10 Months Old

I have exactly 1 day to get this update done!!
Our precious Hadassah Grace is 10 months old, and she is such a source of joy, love, and entertainment!
New developments of note this month:

• She is walking!! She has been cruising for a while, and taking tentative steps for a while, but she is now officially what I would consider a walker. She still crawls if she is in a hurry, and sometimes she "chickens out" if she realizes she has gotten herself into the middle of a room, but she really has pretty good balance! It is so funny for me to see her tiny little self toddling along-since Ben didn't really walk unaided until he was around 16 months old, this whole 10 month old walking thing is uncharted territory for us!
• She does NOT like to be "by self"-I have been trying to put her down to sleep on her own until we come to bed, and that usually lasts all of 30-45 minutes. Josh was out last night so I tried to experiment by lying next to her while reading. She stayed asleep-opened her eyes a couple of times to see if I was still there (I wasn't touching her). Then I went downstairs to get something and within a few minutes she was up crying. I know she will grow out of this with time, and I am glad she is attached and loves us.
• She has started to be a little bit less anxious about strangers and changes in her environment. She definitely still wants the reassurance of mommy and daddy close by, but she is okay with other people talking to her and (sometimes) holding her.
• She is a little carnivore! Seriously, she eats rather alarming amounts of meat (all foods, but she especially loves meat). She also nurses a lot-gotta keep those rolls! (I really do hope she keeps at least some of them-I love her chunky little legs)
• She is so deeply in love with her big brother, and he returns the affection! The other day I had Hadassah and Daddy had Ben, and Ben kept asking Daddy over and over "Where is Dassah Grace? Where's seester?"
• She still has night owl tendencies. She often acts ready for bed around 8-8:30 (brother is ready to go down at 6:45-7:30 depending on the night) and sometimes she will stay down for the  night-other times she wakes up around 9:30 and wants to play until super late-which doesn't work out all that great for me as I often have work the next day (and even if I don't, her early morning bird brother very rarely lets anyone sleep later than 7)!
• She nurses at least 2-3 times during the night, which is such an incredible improvement over what her brother was doing at this age! I feel ridiculously less zombie-ish with this nursing experience, for which I am truly grateful!
• She has started signing for "all done" and "nurse" as well as waving. 
• Her smile can light up a room and fill our hearts with joy!

The 9th Month

It's official! Hadassah has lived outside of me longer than she did inside. Time continues to fly by, and changes are so swift. It is a wonderful ride, breathtakingly beautiful, yet tinged with sadness as each stage and moment passes so quickly!
She is well and truly cruising! She pushes a push toy all over the house! She is also starting to let go while standing when she is playing with toys. I suspect we will have a walker on our hands very soon! She crawls at astonishingly swift rates anyway, so I am really not sure walking will mean she can get into anything addition anyway!
She eats just about anything she can get her hands on. Josh has started calling her "cabrita"-little goat-because she will literally attempt to eat anything-paper, ladybugs, and dog food to name a few. Thankfully, she doesn't seem to mind too much when we swoop in and take things out of her hand and/or mouth. Ben helps us out by saying things like "seester! No eat paper!"
She does also enjoy foods of various types. She seems especially enthusiastic about grapes, broccoli, and carrots. She chews food up and then spits it out versus swallowing it, but hey-it keeps her busy and she is learning!
She gives kisses to a few people. She kisses Josh on the nose, me on the chin, and Ben on the cheek. Her kisses are like nursing except she doesn't latch on, and extremely sweet!
Hadassah is madly in love with the men in her life-flirts madly with Daddy and giggles and pats at brother. The two of them often hold hands or pat each other while they nurse-melts mama's heart!
Stranger anxiety has definitely made itself known for our little princess. Unfortunately she includes my family in that category-so only mommy and daddy are "safe zones"-and she crawls after us wailing if she thinks we are leaving, which is very sad. I know it is a normal part of development and she will grow out of this stage soon.
She sleeps so much better than Ben did at this age, which is super helpful! I think she is usually up 4-6 times per night-really not bad given the reverse cycling! She continues to grow and be healthy, so the sleep interruptions are well worth it!
This girl has such an enthusiasm and joy for life! She lives passionately, and we are so deeply in love with her. I am so excited to continue watching her personality develop!

The Eighth Month

Friday marked the close of Hadassah's eighth month of outside-the-womb life. This girl is so amazing, and our family is a much more full of life, love, and joy because she's in it. ;-)

Hadassah...

• Pulls up on anything that is taller than she is. Literally anything. This has caused disaster more than once, and funny experiences a few times as well.
• Can crawl seemingly faster than the speed of light!
• Cruises on furniture and the wall
• Has demonstrated the ability to get up at least 2 steps in our new house (I haven't let her try more than that)
• Is not afraid to crawl off high surfaces (this is unfortunate, but has not resulted in injury yet as a parent has always been there to help her down)
• Idolizes Ben and follows him everywhere he goes-she still thinks he is hilarious!
• Likes food in small doses, especially fruit
• LOVES to nurse, especially when she's tired, hurt, and of course hungry!
• Smiles a lot! Sweet girl also sings.
• Has a single tooth in her mouth which is VERY sharp and also large (ask me how I know! Haha!).
• Unlike Ben at this age, she puts everything in her mouth...which combined with her freedom of mobility is quite interesting!
• She's about 50/50 with pooping on the potty. While I would prefer a higher "catch" rate, I'll take what I can get!
• Sweet girl LOVES to snuggle. We should be getting our finalized furniture setup this week, and at that point we will probably start trying to put her down for bedtime on her own (she has been just sleeping on my tummy until we go to bed, which I LOVE...but makes it hard for me to do work, and I have work that really needs to be done after bedtime now). 
• She is growing up so fast! I realized this week that she is no longer dwarfed by the potty. Part of that is that our potties are smaller in this house, but wow...it feels like she was just born, but we are really closing in on a year now!
• Her hair is long enough now that if we don't put it up in little pigtails or a whale spout it falls in her eyes. It doesn't stick up anymore, which is bittersweet!

I can't believe that when this month ends, she will have been out of my body the same amount of time she was in. Wow. This roller coaster that is life with kids just doesn't slow down. I love it, but wish I could feel like I was savoring more of it!!

Month 7

Can you tell I'm brain dead? At least too much so to think of a clever title...which is kind of okay since the only reason I really even blog anymore is because I want to give Hadassah a book of photos and monthly blog posts through her first year like the one I did for Ben, and the title gets cut out of those anyway!
Hadassah Grace is 7 months old. More this month than ever before, we have gotten to see her personality unfolding. She is the sweetest little squishy bundle of love!
This month she...
...went from not really being mobile to rolling over, and then quickly to crawling properly. Since Ben didn't really crawl OR walk (or really self-locomote much to speak of) until he was over a year old, this has been a new and interesting experience for us!
...started pulling to a stand...and then letting go. Oh boy...I think this girly is going to be walking soon!
...has found her sense of humor! She laughs most at Ben, as she always has (those 2 continue to absolutely love each other and be soooo incredibly sweet together), but Daddy and I can get some good giggles going too!
...has gotten more consistent with EC, or we have gotten better at reading/responding, or something. Which is good because she also...
...has started eating some solids. We are doing something called "baby led weaning" with her (we also did it with Ben)-we haven't given her rice cereal and we aren't buying jars of baby food for her either. Instead, she gets small bits of smooshy foods (avocado, banana, sweet potato) or pre-smooshed bits of less smooshy foods (broccoli, cauliflower). So far, she is having fun but isn't very aggressively interested in foods-it seems to be more of a game we play for fun at this point. Which is fine.
...has developed a more stable sleep schedule. She has started to want to go down for the night when Ben does (around 7:30-8) and wakes (I think) about 3-5 times on an average night. This is SO incredibly better than what Ben did at this age (8-10 times at night or more)-plus, she is a gentle enough nurser that I can sleep while she is latched which has never been the case before! She would wake on her own around 7-8 on most days I think, though sometimes my early morning departure disturbs her earlier than that.
...has continued to refuse mama milk from any source other than mama. Sigh. She is chunky enough for me to not worry about whether she is getting enough, thankfully!
...has continued to show us who she is: strong, determined, charming, smile that can light up the room (literally), loving, playful, adventurous. I look forward to continuing to get to know this little girl as she grows! She is such a precious treasure!

Ohhh, we're halfway there....

As of today at 8:16 AM, Miss Hadassah Grace has been on this earth (well, outside of me anyway!) for 6 whole months. Whew. That seems so impossibly old-and yet again I am left to wonder-how did it happen so quickly? It seems like we don't really have a small baby anymore already! She sure does bring a lot of joy to our family-and I am so thankful for just about everything about her (including the smaller than popular age difference between her and Ben) and so incredibly happy that she is part of our family!
She can sit up pretty well now. She's still a little wobbly-I would definitely not put her down on the hardwood and then walk away yet, but she does pretty well on a somewhat-firm surface as long as she doesn't get too distracted. She is also soooo close to being able to sit back up on her own as well once she does topple.
She scoots around and is able to make pretty good leeway on the floor (between rolling and scooting she pretty much gets where she wants to go). She tends to go backward or in a circle, although she is capable of going forward. We can't leave her on the bed while we go to the bathroom quite as easily as before (the pillow barricade needs to be in place!)-she has not fallen off yet, but has gotten too close for comfort at least once for each of us, so we aren't taking chances!
She is acting more and more interested in our food, and 6 months means she's almost old enough to start experimenting! I let her suck on a banana with me earlier today and she still has a pretty strong tongue thrust reflex, so we'll keep playing with it but I think she's a few weeks away from "really" starting solids. We have really just given up on the bottle thing. It makes her so angry, and since she is a very healthy 18 pounds (maybe more, we'll find out next week!) we stopped pushing it. She's clearly making up for it at night. She occasionally will eat a "milk pop" (milk frozen in a popsicle tray) but for the most part, she's just reverse cycled and that's the way it is.
She has reached what Josh calls "octopus stage"-she is able to reach things that you would swear were way too far away, and (as she has been since she was born!) she is strong! If she gets a hold of something, it's a bit difficult to pry it from her fingers!
She knows her name and she knows she is cute!
She has a special "daddy smile"-he has her heart for sure! She literally lights up whenever she sees him! She likes to play a game with him where she lunges at his face and chews on his nose. He makes some kind of teasingly dismayed sound and she giggles and smiles and her eyes sparkle!
The other man who has her heart is her brother. Ben can get her to laugh and laugh (the rest of us have yet to elicit more than a sweet little chuckle-but for him, she will belly laugh long and loud and hard!).
She is much more talented in the sleep department than her brother was-we can transfer her (as long as we are careful of course) and she will stay asleep (unlike mister "Unbuckle my seatbelt and I am wide awake"). She also sleeps much better at night than he did-we are probably up anywhere from 3-5 times per night most nights (at this age, he was 8 or more). For this, mommy is most thankful! Another nice thing about this is that she will still sleep well while held, which means I get some snuggle time I might not otherwise get!
She is not nearly as close to EC poop trained as Ben was at this age-kinda sad about this since we are, as previously mentioned, going to be starting solids soon. Honestly, we just haven't been consistent enough. Things have been so crazy since she was born (first Josh's crazy schedule, then I had surgery literally the weekend he graduated, which means not only can I not potty her, but he spends half his day driving me to and from work). Who knows if we will get to the point where she poops just in the potty. I'm not going to stress about it either way. Just like with Ben, I figure every poop caught in the potty is one less to wash, and am happy with whatever we can get! She definitely knows what to do on the potty and will wait to poop in the morning until we take her (that's one time we ALWAYS take her).
Oh, sweet daughter, love of my heart....your beautiful bright blue eyes that sparkle with such joy captivate me! I am so happy that you live with us, and I hope that you feel loved even though Mommy isn't around as much as I would like to be and life for Daddy and Mommy has been pretty crazy the last few months! We look forward to the next 6 and beyond!

5 month update

I really need to write this entry before my sweet girl is 6 months instead of 5!! Life has been crazy this last month-I had surgery, we are trying to move, and work has been insane. I feel like I'm just (barely) surviving the day to day, let alone documenting anything! But I love the photo album I made for Ben where I have blog posts and photos chronicling his first year, and I want to do the same for Hadassah, so here goes!
This month, Hadassah Grace has really been starting to act like an older baby. She has so much to say (VERY loudly!) and she is so strong and active! :-) This little girl has an opinion about just about everything, and she will let you know about it! Her smile is so sweet and precious and her joy is just as passionate and complete as any other emotion she displays, though!
She laughs and smiles pretty readily now. It's so interesting to see what things she thinks are funny! Ben often is in that category, and raspberries or tickling will get her laughing too.
She is head over heels in love with her daddy (and a pretty major flirt with guys in general!). She smiles and bats her eyes at him. Aww!
She REALLY wants to be mobile. She can scoot herself around pretty well on the floor, and I don't think we are too far from crawling. This kid has some crazy strong arms and legs!
She can almost sit up unassisted.
She is such a sweet snuggly baby when she wants to be, but sometimes she is too busy or interested in everything going on around her to snuggle!
She still has crazy hair! It's getting long enough that it can lay down sometimes (and I can pull it into teeny tiny pigtails!) but mostly it still sticks up everywhere.
I am so thankful to say that she sleeps MUCH better at night than her brother did. A normal night is about 3 wakings. We have a few rough ones that are more (5-6) but so far, we have not had any nights where she was up 8-10 times. I am so thankful to be just tired instead of desperately exhausted!
She is starting to show some interest in food that we are eating, so I think trying solids is coming up in the next month or 2! It's crazy to think she is already old enough to be ready for that!
Speaking of eating, she has started being very distractable while nursing (especially at lunch-the one time I need her to eat on a timeline!). Even though she and her brother have been tandem nursing since she was born, any time we try to tandem now, she pulls off to pat/pull his hair and touch his face. Which leads him to pull off and admonish her to use nice touches. LOL!
I feel like I don't have a tiny baby anymore, and it's so strange! I am enjoying watching this sweet girl grow, but as always it is a little bittersweet!

A Tale of Two (Potty) Poopers

This post probably won't interest a lot of my friends, and that is completely fine! Feel free to skip it. :-) But I know that at least some of my friends have asked me how EC is going with Hadassah and how potty training is going with Ben, so I thought I'd update about that.
For anyone who doesn't know, EC is elimination communication-it is not potty training the baby, but rather the parent learning to recognize when the baby needs to eliminate and then taking them to the potty. You can start it from birth if you want (I am too lazy to start it quite that young) and can be as fully into it or not as you choose.
The way we have done EC so far is that I have a goal of catching all of the poops in the potty by the time my baby is eating solid food. To be completely honest, my motivation was simple: I don't want to wash solid poop diapers! We started with Ben when he was around 2-3 months old, and it worked beautifully! I can count on one hand the number of poops he has done in a diaper since he was about 5 months old. One thing I think is important about EC is that you don't scold or shame the child if they go in their diaper-the responsibility to know soon enough and get to the potty is on the parent, not the child (and a few times I have actually apologized to Ben for not being able to get him to the potty when he asked to go-when we were in the middle of nowhere on roadtrips etc.).
We didn't start nearly that young with Hadassah, mostly because during that period of her life, we were completely overwhelmed and just trying to survive life until Josh graduated. She was with a lot of different caregivers, and it just seemed too difficult to try to work on EC if we weren't going to be able to be consistent. However, in the last week or so, we have been able to start! Thankfully, she had gotten into the habit of pooping not long after waking up, so we had at least 1 time of day when we knew she would probably go if we took her. We started with that-Josh would take her (I can't physically take her to the potty right now) early in the morning, tell her it was okay to go, and then cheer and get super excited for her when she did. We are now 3 days diaper-poop free! I'm sure it will take us a while to get to where we are completely trained, especially as I am returning to full time working soon. But it's exciting to see her catch on so quickly! She is starting to let us know, either by grunting or by doing lots of gas, but giving us enough time to take her potty. Given that (literally from birth) she HATES the feeling of being in a wet or dirty diaper, I think she is all about this pooping in the potty stuff!
Ben, in turn, has been working on potty training. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I would have tried to potty train him this young left to my own devices (he's been working on it since he was about 21 months old). However, he was really acting ready so we are just going with it. He has regularly pooped on the potty for a very long time, as mentioned earlier, so it wasn't a huge shift necessarily. The biggest thing is that his communication has gotten so much better! He started REALLY wanting to wear his Daddy's boxers all the time (which I would let him do-we tied the waist band with a sock to make them stay up) and I noticed that he never peed in Daddy's boxers, but if I offered to take him, he would go and pee in the potty. He also was frequently waking up dry from naps and would pee on the potty if I took him. So I figured, hey, we might as well try! I ordered tiny boxers (side note: 2T boxers are ridiculously cute!) with various animals on them (he LOVES animals right now). He was so excited to have boxers of his own! He had started calling potty "booboo" (poop or pee) so we told him that he was a big boy and got to wear boxers now, and we try not to booboo on the lions  (or monkeys etc.). We started out by letting him pick each day whether he wanted to wear a diaper or boxers. Recently, we've just been starting out in boxers, though he does still wear a diaper at night and nap time. Some days, he requests a diaper and seems to need a break from having to pay attention to whether he needs to pee or not (today is one of those days) and I am fine with that. I am incredibly thankful that we have wood laminate flooring in most of our house instead of carpet, because that frees me up to really not care if he pees on the floor by accident. I would definitely not call him potty trained yet-sometimes he goes a little bit before realizing (though I am incredibly impressed that he can stop himself and make his way to the bathroom to finish) and if he is busy, he forgets to pay attention (so I don't trust him in boxers yet when we go out of the house) but he is well on his way. I feel like he has made it ridiculously easy on me-not sure how much of it is the EC and how much of it is just who he is, but I am definitely spoiled in this area!
So that is our potty update! Happy to answer questions if anyone has any! The summary is: EC isn't for everyone, but it has worked incredibly well for our family so far and it's one of the parenting choices I am super happy we made!

The Fourth Month of Grace

My sweet daughter turned four months old earlier this week. It is so amazing how quickly the time flies. I think how long the last few weeks leading up to her birth felt (with the contractions and misery and exhaustion) and yet these 4 months since have passed so quickly!
This month was very hard for all of us as a family because I was back at work full time and Josh was in the middle of the most intense semester ever. Through a LOT of help from family and friends, the grace of God, and the fact that we have 2 extremely sweet children, we made it through and he is now officially done with school.
One of my favorite things this month has been watching Hadassah's relationship with Ben blossom. He really takes his role as older brother/caretaker/protector very seriously. He is always bringing her a  blanket or her "passy", offering hugs, asking to "hold her", and checking on her when she cries. She loves him like crazy-flirts with him all the time. He will often lean over her and in the sweetest voice say, "Heyyyy!" They still tandem nurse pretty often (at least 2 times per day usually) and almost always hold hands while they do (or sometimes he will rub her back or pat her bottom). I know that there will be spats-that's just how it goes with siblings, especially when they are close in age-but I am so enjoying watching their relationship blossom and I hope that love is always underneath those spats!
New things Hadassah is doing/personality emergences:
Blowing raspberries-this is new and extremely cute!
Laughing-the easiest way to get her to do this is to play "kissy games" where she gets lots of kisses under her chin or on the side of her neck. She also thinks it's funny when I sneeze. She does not, however, like yelling (not that I yell much, but if I raise my voice to call for Daddy, she gets very upset).
I think we have officially admitted that she is reverse cycling like her brother did. Sometimes Daddy can get her to drink an ounce or so through the course of the day, but that's it. She waits til I get home and does most of her eating overnight. I was very stressed about this when I first went back to work (because she was so young and I hated the thought of her going that long without eating) but she has continued to gain weight steadily and has stayed in the 90th percentile, so I believe she is making up for her nutrition. I'm still not necessarily thrilled, but thankful that I don't have to worry about her nutrition levels or weight gain.
She can roll from back to front, but I haven't seen her do the other way.
She continues to be extremely opinionated. If she gets mad, you have to calm her down before you can fix the problem.
She loves her pacifier (so she has no issue with fake nipples, it's the milk that upsets her). She just demonstrated a love for frozen milk (????) so when I go back to work (off now due to foot surgery) we will try that to get some calories into her during the day.
She talks a LOT. It's adorable. Sometimes Ben has conversations with her in the back seat where she babbles and he says "Uh huh, yeah..." Makes me realize we do the same for him (want to know what your verbal habits or tendencies are? Get a toddler).
She doesn't love water. She's okay with it, but doesn't love it.
She hates the booger sucker. Don't blame her there!
Her smile can light up the room and bring joy to the most sorrowful heart!
I am so thankful every day for these two precious little ones we have been gifted with. I look forward to the continued journey as their mama!

Hadassah Grace-the third month

Well, my sweet little daughter is 3 months old, 15 lbs 5 oz (checked her on Monday because we need to monitor her weight since we are having a hard time getting her to drink milk while Mommy is gone at work), and such a sweet smiley bundle of preciousness. Yeah, parenthood is pretty amazing the second time around too. Here is what has been going on in our family this month....
I went back to work 2 weeks ago, and it has been a very difficult and challenging transition for all of us. Hadassah is much more vocal than Ben, gets angry much more quickly, and is just kind of an "all or nothing" type girl...so where Ben waited until he was 5 months old to decide bottles were overrated, she pitched a fit right away, and continues to do so each time a caregiver tries to feed her when I am gone. Prayers on this count would be much appreciated-I so hate to think of her being sad and hungry, she is awfully young to go for 2 5-6 hour stretches per day without eating or drinking, and I am sure it is wearing on Josh to have her spend as much time crying as she does. We are trying everything we can think of-cup feeding, spoon feeding, syringe feeding, various bottles/nipples, etc. and have had only limited success so far. A dear friend got her to eat 1.5 oz today from one of our new bottles (which is by FAR the most she has accepted not from me) so maybe we can still convince her to at least have something!!
Josh is so close to being done with school we can taste it...and yet the insanity of his final semester means he is literally always doing school and still not totally caught up (at least, he doesn't feel he is). We are just trying to survive and hang in there as a family until he is done...he and I haven't had a decent conversation in the last 2 weeks, we aren't often both home at the same time, and we are both so intensely exhausted (him because he regularly stays up far past midnight to complete work, me because of Hadassah reverse cycling and foot pain that is bad enough to prevent sleep many nights). We are so incredibly thankful for friends who have stepped in and offered to help us with childcare, meals, etc.-we would be drowning without this help, I am sure!
 Just quickly, since I know some people will be curious...my foot started acting up when I was pregnant and has gotten markedly worse over the weeks since Hadassah was born (I am sure that spending much of my 17 hour labor standing and squatting while barefoot did not do me any favors-not the smartest move I have ever made in my life, but I was not thinking about my feet at the time). It has not been this bad since I was a teenager. It's the one that I have had 5 surgeries on (3 on the other). An MRI has shown there is an exostosis (new bone growth) underneath my fibula (basically just below my ankle) which is causing some tendons to be compressed/pinched and now I have something called tenosynovitis (means inflammation of the tendon and tendon sheath surrounding the tendon). I almost certainly need surgery to prevent worsening of the growth and potentially eventual tendon rupture, but we really can't afford (physically or monetarily) for me to be off work and off my feet right now, so we are trying an injection on Friday to see if we can buy some time. Meantime, I wear a brace at work and am supposed to be nonweightbearing at home. I do my best, but with 2 under 2...it's not the easiest. If you come to my house, be warned...it looks like a toddler lives in it with a Daddy who is too busy and stressed to clean and a Mommy who is too exhausted/lazy and is usually not able to manage standing for more than a few minutes at a time by the end of the day.
Okay, on to fun stuff!
Hadassah can roll from her back to her tummy. She doesn't do it regularly yet, but I have seen her do it enough times to be pretty sure it isn't an accident when it happens.
She has the most gorgeous, sweet smile that transforms her face from adorably chubby to simply angelic. How hard you have to work to get her to smile is a pretty good indication of how close your relationship is with her. She smiles pretty readily at me and at Daddy, extended family and friends have to work at it a little harder, and there is exactly 1 person in the world that she smiles at without him smiling first...big brother Ben. Thankfully, those 2 adore each other. He often asks to hold her, he loves to kiss her and hug her (and "hold" her), and he loves to rub her back or pat her sweetly while they both nurse. I so hope they keep on loving each other as they get older! (anyone have suggestions on fostering a sweet loving relationship between siblings? I'm all ears!)
Her head control is greatly improved, though she is still fairly wobbly.
She likes nursing quite a bit, but is not quite as in love with it as Ben was. She doesn't always comfort nurse to the same degree that he did, and there are times when she actually prefers another means of comfort over nursing.
She LOVES being worn, especially in "her" wrap (we were borrowing it from a friend, and she fell so madly in love with it that I ended up buying it from my friend).
She loves being rocked, which makes me very happy. Ben never liked rocking, so now the glider is actually getting some use! And with the foot pain, it is SO nice that she actually prefers rocking over walking/bouncing most of the time!
We have done a little bit of EC with her, but I think we are going to wait to really start that until Josh is done with school. She is just with too many different caregivers and so often out of the house.
She has gotten a bit better about wet diapers-she still doesn't like them, but she usually only makes me change her 1-2 times per night, which is much nicer than 6 or more!
She loves to "talk"-she will coo and bob her head and make such sweet faces.
Just think, by this time next month, Josh will be within days of graduating! That will be awesome, and maybe bring some big changes for our family. We'll see. Until then, if you don't see or hear from us or I forget to respond to you, I am very sorry...feel free to pester me at will. As I said, in some ways we are just trying to survive the next few weeks.

Deep Breath Before the Plunge

Today my husband suggested taking Ben to the playground, so we got dressed, packed the diaper bag, and put on shoes to his delighted chants of "outside, outside!"
...which quickly turned to screams of anger, frustration, and heartbroken sobs as he was strapped into his car seat. The heartbreak continued all the way to the park-I tried to explain that we understood what he wanted (to a tearful "yeah, okay!") and that we were going to play at the playground and were almost there-at which point he would dissolve all over again. He was positive in that moment that we were denying his heart's true desire, even though we obviously knew what it was, and his little heart didn't understand why we didn't love him anymore.
Thankfully, we soon arrived at the park and joy came, as fully and completely felt as the agony from only moments before. He is now happily running, sliding, and climbing (Hadassah and I are nursing in the car because it us too cold to fumble with layers right now-and too windy). I am so glad, because even though I knew he would be happier and have more fun at the park than just in our back or even front yard, it was hard and sad to listen to him being so sad on the way.
And then it hit me...I have so much more toddler in me than I would like to admit. The heartache, anger, betrayal? Yeah, I feel those in reference to losing my dream of being a full time stay at home mom. Now, I honestly don't know if this is just how it is or if my heavenly parent has a better destination in mind that will fulfill my deepest desires even better than what I think I want. After all, Ben has these same reactions when we say no, as we sometimes must. But we don't love Ben less in those moments. Can I trust that He doesn't either? This is hard on so many levels (not the least of which is perceived judgment over my dedication to motherhood from strangers and acquaintances alike). And how do I walk through this, allowing the grief but not being swallowed by it, and choosing each day to make the most of the time I am given with my sweet babies?
I really hope we are headed to the "park"...

The last week...

I am down to one week of maternity leave. I don't really have words to describe how the quick passage of time has been for me during leave. It's almost as if I am being dragged toward a precipice and no matter what I do, I WILL be thrown off the edge at a predetermined time-I still am kicking and dragging my feet and trying to make it go slower, but it doesn't matter, I'm going off no matter what.
I would like to just list a few things I have LOVED and have been so thankful for during maternity leave-aka, my stint of pretending to be a SAHM. I didn't know to appreciate these things with Ben because I didn't know what to compare them to. Now I know what I am in for and know to love these things for the sweet moments they have been. Oh, and for the record-at least for me, going back the second time is far, far worse than the first. Not only am I leaving TWO kids instead of one, I know with painful certainty how quickly time will fly and just how much I will miss.
1. I have so deeply enjoyed getting to know my son more deeply and teach him. He's at such a fun age where language is really starting to develop and it is SO fun to help him with that. The "fun" flip side is that there is also a lot of frustration and tantruming-but that is part of it, and I am learning with him how to deal with those. I am going to miss being able to help guide him on a daily basis.
2. It is nice to not RUSH all the time. Not that I'm not busy-I am amazed by how full my days are with the everyday (and how I LOVE even the mundaneness of everyday home life with my babies). But I have enjoyed not being jarred awake by the alarm, then stressing/rushing to get baby fed/changed and myself read (and maybe fed), out the door (do I have all the things I need? Especially pump parts), then rushing during my work day-stressing over which patient will be late at just the wrong time to make it impossible or difficult for me to pump, will I be able to do my paperwork fast enough to leave somewhat close to when I am supposed to be done, will an emergency come up that forces me to stay late, are my babies okay??? It is nice to BE and just take the day as it comes-with my kids.
3. I really love being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower by myself without crushing guilt. Now don't get me wrong-I can count the number of times I have showered alone these last 12 weeks on 1 hand (I am pretty sure 2 fingers, mayyyybe 3) and I don't often go to the bathroom alone either, but when I do, I don't feel horribly guilty the way I did when I was working (how dare I take away one more minute when I am already missing so much with them). When I am working, I feel the need to be 100% actively engaged with family every minute I am home, and when that just isn't possible, I struggle with immense guilt. It goes beyond not taking time for myself, as in crafts/hobbies, down time, etc.-I don't expect to have that in this stage of life, and I am okay with it. We're talking intense guilt over taking a 10 minute shower. Not fun.
4. I love that I have the weight of one or both of the kids in my arms nearly all the time. Hadassah has really been held for most of her life (mostly by me) and Ben also gets his fair share of snuggle time. I have so enjoyed holding them both, having quiet moments when one or both are drifting to sleep, whispered "I love yous". I will certainly still be able to hold them after I go back to work, but it will be in moments of beauty, not all day every day.
5. I love not feeling like a bad mom. When I was working, I felt like a bad mom all the time. I don't know if others thought that (I'm sure some did) but I felt like this imposter who wasn't really a mom or who was a mom in name only. I still have those moments as a faux stay at home mom, of course-we all do!-but not all day every day, constantly. I don't have to cringe right now when I hear comments about how people love their kids too much to not stay home with them, I can nod in agreement when I hear admonitions that no one ever said on their death bed that they wished they spent more time at work, and I can feel like I am one of the primary influences in my kids' lives, rather than just some person on the periphery who never does enough and certainly is never there enough.
6. I have enjoyed sleeping. I don't sleep a lot, but WAY more than after I went back to work last time (I would say I was probably sleeping an average of 3-4 hours per night in 30-45 minute stretches due to Ben's need to nurse and make up for lost mommy time all night).
I know we will be okay. No one died last time, and Ben seems fairly well adjusted. We are going to have a rough first 5 weeks (that's the overlap between me going back to work and Josh finishing this very intense semester) but then it will probably get better, at least from a logistical standpoint and definitely MUCH easier for Josh. Thankfully, the schedule works to where Hadassah can come nurse at lunch (and I'm sure Ben will want to nurse then too) so that will help some. And yet, the cliff looms, a mere vacation's length away, and this time next week will be here before I know it. Oh, children, babies, I am so sorry....

Month 2 of Having 2!

2 month photo!

Hadassah officially turned 2 months old yesterday (Ben turned 21 months old the day before that)! Goodness, time is passing so quickly. It is so fun to see her grow, and yet I want it to slow down...just a little...especially because by the time her next "month birthday" comes I will be back to being a full time absentee working mother.
I have so deeply loved being with my amazing, adorable, wonderful children these 2 months. It is so fun to form deeper bonds with them, and I have actually kind of enjoyed the challenge of trying to get the basic housework done with both of them. This month we have started venturing out a little bit (mostly to doctor's appointments, but also some to friends' houses, the park, etc.) which is definitely much more intimidating and challenging with 2 than 1! Especially because Ben is still young enough that he can't be trusted to necessarily stay with me in parking lots (or not throw a screaming fit in the middle of the doctor's office because I am directing him away from something he wants to explore). Thank goodness for babywearing. Seriously, I don't know how I would do the 2 babies without that! I can tie Ben to my back (double win-he loves it so no fits, I am in complete control of where he can and cannot go, and I am also able to limit what he can get into without fighting him-wait, that's a triple win!) and carry Hadassah in front. At times, I will tie Hadassah in front as well in order to mop the floor or do some other task that requires two hands.

Mopping day!

I am really actually enjoying having 2 close together. So many people (when I was pregnant and now) will give me horrified looks when they learn how close together they are and say something along the lines of "wow, you are busy" or something else that really means "you are crazy and I am so so sooooo glad it's you and not me!" While they are certainly entitled to feel that way, I honestly love having the two so close in age. Really, the biggest "inconvenience" is how stinking fast we go through diapers!  We were doing diaper laundry about every 2 days for a while-now it's about every 3, and I suspect it will stay there for a while-much more doable! But because they are both in baby stage still (less so with Ben, but still somewhat), there has been so much sweet time spent snuggling (either tandem nursing, or reading him a story while Hadassah nurses or sleeps), we have been able to triandem nap (love that!!), and the plus of 2 in diapers is we can just do big family diaper changes when the need arises!

Plus, these moments happen!

So far the biggest challenge for me is lack of sleep. Hadassah is still a night owl, while Ben is a (super super) early morning bird. So in addition to the waking up all night, I've got one who likes to party til all hours (often past midnight) and one who likes to be up before 6! In some ways I guess it's good training for going back to work, in others...well, I wish I could rest up now! (not that sleep carries over or anything) On a lot of mornings, my amazing husband takes Ben out so I can catch another catnap before getting up, which helps tremendously!
New things Hadassah is doing this month:
Smiling back! We still have to work pretty hard to get it out of her, but she will smile back at us. And oh goodness-this girl is beautiful anyway, but a smile transforms her face into a pretty angelic one. I keep trying to capture it photographically and so far have had limited success. One day, I will show you!
She also coos back at us when we talk to her, which is pretty darn cute!
She still really loves snuggling, especially with Mommy, but is starting to do much better with letting other people hold her and wear her (this kid LOOOVVESSS being worn and definitely shows a preference for which wrap she loves best...unfortunately her favorite one isn't actually mine! Thankfully the friend whose wrap it actually is won't need it herself till August, so worst case, we've got a little bit to try to get her to fall in love with one that belongs to us).
She isn't taking a pacifier very well. She doesn't suck fingers either. I'm a little concerned about this for when I go back to work, since sucking is clearly very soothing for her. But maybe she will for someone who doesn't smell like milkies.

Hadassah's favorite wrap-it has the Celtic symbol for motherhood woven into it

Oh, I love motherhood so much...I am so thankful to be in the "little babies" stage of my life. Of course it is not all sunshine and roses, there are challenges along the way, but overall I am truly thankful to be here right now!

In which I am painfully honest

Brutally, even. If you are not a pretty close friend, this won't be an enjoyable post for you to read. Even if you are, it will likely not be enjoyable, but maybe helpful/good. And if anyone is not up for brutal honesty and seeing my raw/painful side....that is okay. I think I'm partly writing this for me anyway.
I am a little over halfway through my maternity leave. Which means I still have almost 6 weeks left-WAY longer than I would ever be able to take off under any other circumstances and "should" mean I'm not struggling with going back yet! BUT I have been struggling with (dreading, crying, begging God for rescue) going back to work since day 1. I thought it would be easier the second time-I already survived it once. But it's not. It's harder. I think partly because I now have to leave 2 of the most amazing kids on the planet, partly because I am now painfully aware of just how  much I am missing and how fast time flies, and probably partly postpartum hormones.
When I was a little girl, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I used to answer all kinds of crazy things when I was really little...but my answer from the time I was old enough to know what I was saying until I was basically forced to choose a career or training path was..."mother." I passionately love children, especially young children. I have looked forward to this part of my life since I can remember-the part where I got to have babies of my own to love, hold, raise...and yes, get frustrated with, deal with tantrums, etc. I knew that was part of it. I grew up as the oldest of 7-I did not have a romanticized idea of what raising children was like.
And now I find myself in this part of life...and I love it. I love it so much. It's not a perfect fantasy world. My 20 month old throws screaming tantrums when something doesn't go his way. We have to discipline him for kicking people when he doesn't want his diaper changed (I have no idea what that phase is about). My 1 month old sometimes screams non stop from 9 until well after midnight and just about always keeps me up super late while the 20 month old is up well before 7 without fail. But I still love it. The last 6 weeks have been beautiful. I love hugging and playing, even figuring out how to fit in a much needed floor cleaning or diaper laundry load. And yet...through choices made by myself, others, and just "the way life is"...I find myself missing the vast majority of their baby lives. I get to be with them for 12 all too brief weeks and then, for all intents and purposes, hand their care and raising over to others. I am SO lucky that I can give that sacred trust to people who love them, and I believe that Josh is a phenomenal Dad and my mom is an amazing grandmother....but I want to do it. I want to be there to kiss the boo boos, to see the first roll over, to hear the first time they say a new word. I don't want just pictures and videos. I HATE that one of the first lessons they have to learn is "Mommy and milk are sometimes here and sometimes not-for no understandable reason."
I know. I know that I sound like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. I feel that way sometimes too. I am also incredibly blessed that I love what I do. I am very highly trained, (not to toot my own horn but it is true) very good at most aspects of what I do, and one of only a few therapists in the country with my exact skill set. I am not miserable all day at work, and heaven knows I am not bored. But my heart yearns for my children, especially right now, during their young years. Maybe I wouldn't really feel different if they were 15, but I kind of feel like I might. I struggle with feeling cheated.
You know all those memes that say things like "no one ever looked back and said 'I wish I spent less time with my kids and more at work'" etc.? Those always hit me hard in the gut. I KNOW I will regret spending this time at work. I already regret it, grieve it, deeply. But the almighty dollar dictates that I must. I hate it, because in theory, of course I would not want to trade time with my children for something as silly as money....but in reality, that isn't really a choice I have. I also find that many "mommy advice or encouragement" blogs or articles are geared toward encouraging moms who stay home, helping them realize how valuable what they do is despite the lack of paycheck, etc. Those also feel a bit like a stab in the heart. Maybe I need to stop reading them....
I am still halfheartedly begging God for rescue. And there may be rescue on the horizon. There is a possibility that Josh and I could switch once he finishes school in May, or that I could at least cut back somewhat on my hours. I am terrified to hope, though-how much more will it hurt if it doesn't come to be? And we don't know if it is really a possibility or when.
Anyway, if you have made it this far, thanks for taking the time. Now you know the "ugly me"-the selfish me, the whiny me, the me that I try to keep under the surface. I want to be real, though...and I would appreciate prayers or encouragement, if you have any (but please know that for me, saying things like "they will get over it" or "they will learn" doesn't actually encourage me, it just makes me feel horribly guilty and reinforces the feeling that I am abandoning them). I really don't want to spend the next 5.5 weeks fixating on the coming return to work-I want to cherish my time with my children. I am kind of hoping that getting this out on "paper" will help me do that. And I hope that, regardless of what ends up happening, I will be able to do what I am called to do to the best of my ability-whatever balance that ends up being between working in and out of the home. I want to give the best that I am to my children and my patients-I now echo the plea of all mothers around the world-I think I need another me!

Hadassah Grace-the First Month

My precious girl is a month old! I can hardly believe it-the last few weeks have truly flown. It is crazy how the last few days and weeks of pregnancy drag by and yet the first few of outside life pass in the blink of a sleep deprived eye!
So far she still loves to snuggle and she only has a few longer awake periods, though those have increased the last few days.  I am soaking up the snuggle time as much as I can!
She is pretty vocal both when awake and asleep. She has a groaning noise (which can quickly escalate to full in crying) for when her diaper is wet. The child absolutely despises having a wet or dirty diaper-in fact I think more of her night wakings are related to this than hunger (she often wants her diaper changed 4 times or more at night)-wish I could figure out how to do a diaper change without sitting up!! She also makes the sweetest little mmmm-mmmm noise while nursing, which is clearly her favorite activity!
I think this girl has some fire in her veins! She gets frustrated pretty quickly (mostly with nursing/latching and waiting for a letdown). This is getting better as she gets better at nursing-hopefully we will be able to help her channel all that passion and do amazing things with it! She is also such a sweet snuggly baby.
She definitely has a preference for Mommy right now-totally normal for a little baby. Josh has dubbed himself "the boobless one" and says she is unimpressed with him. I know that will change as she gets older and for right now I am snuggling her as much as I can. Josh pointed out that I am touching her at least 23 hours per day- probably true. I think a part of me desperately hopes that she can somehow store up the snuggles and love for when I abandon her...errr, return to work....just 8 short weeks from now. It kills me to know that I can't be there for her then. Anyway, that could be a blog post of its own, and may be one day, but not today.
The rest of us are doing famously! I am over my infection and just have a few weeks left of intense pelvic rest but already I feel so much better and have so much less pain than before she was born which is very encouraging! I am still struggling with energy but my dr thinks that is normal and a cumulative effect of the craziness my body has gone through the last 2 years, so she recommended rest and listening to my body, and we expect things will be much better there soon! I am absolutely loving being home with my kids-living my dream job even just for a little...snuggling my baby, playing and reading with my toddler, trips to the potty, snacks, and lots of hugs and cuddles and nursing!
Josh is incredibly busy with school. This is his last semester and it is a full one! He literally spends all day every day doing schoolwork and writing papers-I am so proud of how hard he is working! We don't know what is ahead when he is done but it is exciting to be almost there!
Ben is adapting to his big brother role beautifully! He is so sweet with his sister- the two of them pretty much melt my heart daily! His vocabulary expands daily though we are still working on using words instead of tantrums if things don't go our way...ongoing work in progress!! He will be so happy when winter is over as he clearly misses playing outside! He nurses about 5 times a day right now-I think it is helping the transition so not placing limits yet, though I will eventually. His favorite song is Jesus Loves Me and his favorite activity is taking baths or showers. Random, but hey, he's clean!
We love you all!

Tandem Nursing Thoughts

Here I am, 2 whole weeks into my tandem nursing journey and ready to share my deep insights with the world! Or not...really I mostly use this blog to process and if someone else can be helped by what I write, even better!
We got pregnant with Hadassah when Ben was only 10 months old. That combined with how deeply attached he was/is to nursing led me to look into tandem. I decided that I would keep nursing if he wanted to, but if he weaned himself while I was pregnant I wouldn't fight him, and we would just see what happened.
First trimester was really hard-I had a lot of sensitivity/pain and Ben has always had a weird/slightly uncomfortable latch (which was now toe curlingly painful). Also, I was struggling to eat due to nausea so at times it felt like he was literally sucking the last bits of energy from me. Second trimester, I dried up, the pain continued, and I developed Raynauds in my nipples (causes very painful nipple spasms). Third trimester, a little colostrum came back and some of the sensitivity decreased. All that to say, nursing while pregnant is very hard and most definitely not for everyone!!
Having a toddler who nurses has come in handy in several ways though! I can get relief from engorgement really quickly, my milk came in very quickly after birth, and it's a great way to get him to sit still if needed!!
Benefits of tandem: I really think it has helped a lot with bonding. They nurse at the same time at least a couple of times per day and Ben is so sweet with Hadassah during those times! He will hold her hand, rub her head, pat her back, and express some milk into her mouth (she doesn't need help with this but it's still very sweet of him!). It's also a very helpful way for me to get him to follow me or do something I need him to do (yes, I bribe him with milk occasionally). He definitely enjoys it-I think it makes him feel loved and he also likes the taste. It is also a nice way for him to have some special alone time before bed with Mama. My supply has regulated much faster this time so there is less leakage everywhere-and if that starts to happen I have the option to latch Ben instead of just getting all milky!
Challenges so far: I am having a hard time drinking enough to stay hydrated (my mother in law pointed out this may be compounded by the bleeding I have had which has been heavier than normal due to a uterine infection), and if I thought nursing 1 made you hungry, 2 is even more so!! Ben is having a hard time with me putting my shirt back on after, but I think he will eventually learn that this doesn't mean the milk is gone forever, and he won't tantrum as much. I am still working on finding comfortable positions to nurse both at once-we are pretty good at sitting up now, but I would like to learn a lying down position also.
To summarize, I am glad we are tandem nursing. It has mostly been positive so far for all involved. I have been very blessed to not have to deal with many of the challenges I have read about-I never dealt with an aversion to nursing Ben (pain yes, but not aversion) and I am able to nurse both at once without being totally creeped out by the 2 different latches. As with every parenting decision I don't think it is for everyone, but so far it has been a good journey for us and I look forward to continuing!

Marathon vs Sprint?

I have had no less than 10 people ask me whose labor I preferred: Ben's or Hadassah's? While I hate to use overutilized running analogies, the 2 births can really only be compared to a sprint (Ben) vs a marathon (Hadassah). Same activity, roughly the same end result, but 2 very different methods of arriving! It's still hard to compare the 2, really, because some things were just intrinsically different with Hadassah because I had birthed before so I kind of knew what was going on (the hardest thing with Ben's birth was not knowing what was going on for much of it because it was outside of anything I had prepared myself for or read about). Still, for those of you who are morbidly curious, here goes!
How long was I in labor with each? With Ben, I was checked just as I started to feel contractions and was 1 cm dilated, 50% effaced, with baby at -1 station. 20 minutes later, I was complete and ready to push. 25 minutes after that, he flew into entered the world (yeah. 45 minutes. Told you it was a sprint.). With Hadassah, the question of how long I was in labor is a little harder to determine. If you count from when I started having contractions 3-5 minutes apart, 24 hours a day, it was 21 days. If you count from when things started to noticably pick up/become more intense, it was 32 hours. If you count (as I usually do) from the time of the first documented cervical change, it was 17 hours (I usually count from this one because that's when the "marathon" of standing, walking, squatting, swaying, bouncing, etc. began) with 15 minutes of pushing.
Both labors started on their own, neither were augmented with drugs in any way, I did not use pain medication/epidurals, etc. for either one, I spent my entire labor in the hospital with both, and both resulted in a healthy baby and a happy Mommy.
That said, I will take the marathon over the sprint any day.
The benefit of going quickly is that...well, it is over quickly. That's about it. Going from not being in labor straight into transition is really not fun, especially with your first birth-meaning you have no clue what is going on and just think you are being a giant wimp. The last 30-45 minutes of Hadassah's birth were very similar to Ben's birth in terms of how intense contractions felt (and how loud I was during them!) BUT I had hours of buildup beforehand AND even during the most intense part I had breaks between contractions (with Ben, once they started they just came on top of each other until I started pushing). I will say that I did not enjoy being stuck in transition for 4 hours with her, but I was able to manage it up until a few minutes before the decision was made to go ahead and rupture the sac and get her to come out.
Going slower is most definitely easier on Mama's body. With Ben, after I birthed him and the placenta, there was still over an hour of stitching to do (and a surgery 5 months after that). With Hadassah, I didn't need even 1 stitch. Can I tell you how deeply relieved I was when my doctor announced that no repair needed to be done?? I think my doula and I both cried. Yes, I am still a bit sore from her birth, but nothing like how I was with Ben, and this soreness responds to rest. After the quick birth, I just felt like I had JUST given birth for...well, until I recovered from the surgery.
A longer birthing process does mean less energy is left when you get to the pushing phase. I had planned to deliver Hadassah on all fours, like I did with Ben, but by the time I actually got there, I couldn't hold myself upright anymore and ended up finishing labor on my side and then on my back (which was a position I was actively planning to avoid-but it was what worked at the moment so you just go with it!). And I think I am still recovering (physically) from the effects of labor. I am thankful that I am in a job where I use most of my muscles a lot all day every day-that really helped prepare me for holding various positions for hours at a time (my nurse couldn't believe my arms were holding out as long as they were).
The longer process with Hadassah was very redeeming in the sense that I felt stronger through it. With the quick birth process, I felt like I had completely overestimated myself and was just being a big wimp because I was literally swept up into it and holding on for dear life (and quite literally climbing walls, screaming, etc.). With a longer birth, because I had time to build up to it and really didn't start getting to that point until I had been stuck at 9 cm and 90% effaced for over 3 hours. I still felt in control of myself (and my volume!) up until that point. The nurses and doctors were all very affirming as well in terms of how well I was handling it (well, except for the anesthesiologist who came to put in my IV-I didn't like him! First he threatened me with a central line, then he kind of laughed at my plan of giving birth unmedicated) which was nice. I still feel bad about the noise I was making at the end, but we're going to hope that most mamas get to that point eventually and they are used to it...if you know differently, don't tell me! Haha! Pushing her out was much more painful than pushing Ben out. I think some of that was because I was pushing through scar tissue (and purposely pushing in shorter bursts to try to minimize damage) and some of it was because of my frame of reference-with Ben, the pushing phase was actually when I got some time to breathe between contractions where I hadn't been able to before!
At the end of the day, both labors were completely worth it because the end result was my beautiful babies. I would gladly go through either again for them. If I have a choice, maybe we can go for a happy medium next time?

First holding Ben

First glimpses of Hadassah-they had SUCH better post birth policies in place at the hospital when she was born!

Miracle Birth-Hadassah Grace

As promised, here is my daughters birth story! We really feel the hand of God was evident throughout!
Hadassah came at 39 weeks, 2 days of gestation which was quite long compared to Ben's 36 week 6 days! My hope for her birth was that it could be longer, gentler, and hopefully healing instead of destructive-both physically and emotionally. To facilitate that, the plan was to have no pain meds and to prolong the pushing phase as much as possible since it is impossible to control speed of dilation (and based on Ben's birth we were assuming that could take mere minutes).
As her due date approached there were several false alarms-I was in prodromal/latent phase labor for the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy. This means I was having decently strong contractions every 3-5 minutes, 24 hours per day but my cervix was stubbornly staying at 3/30%. I had been having contractions for weeks but not regularly all day. I was becoming exhausted because these were difficult or sometimes impossible to sleep through, my abdomen was constantly sore and tender, and I wondered what strength would be required to actually start the process if these weren't enough! Due to my growing fatigue and several other factors, the decision was made to induce her on the 13th. While I felt very comfortable this was the right thing to do, I was also sad and scared of an induction and really praying she would come on her own before then.
On Saturday the 11th I started having a lot of watery discharge. We were concerned that maybe my water broke so even though the contractions were still about the same (aka what most people don't feel until they are actually in labor) we decided to go in for a check. We ate breakfast, packed some things, took Ben to Grandma's house, and the headed in.
When we got to the hospital, they swabbed to check for amniotic fluid, then did a cervix check-3 and 50%, baby at -3 (high). So there was finally a tiny bit of change but not enough for me to get my hopes up. Soon they were back saying they had every doc in the hospital look at my slides and it was inconclusive-it looked kind of like amniotic fluid but not really. So they wanted us to stay and we would recheck in about 2 hours. When they came for the recheck, I braced myself to hear "unchanged"-instead, the verdict was a definite 4/50/-3 and the cervix was moving anterior! I was in active labor, finally! It was 3 pm and we were staying!
It took a while to get admitted, mostly because it took 3 people 2 hours and 9 tries to get an IV in! But once we were admitted, they checked me again-5/75/-3. And that's how it went all night-they would check me every 2-3 hours and find a centimeter or so of change, maybe a little effacement. Just very slow and gradual but something always changed! As the hours ticked away, I was so thrilled-this was the part we couldn't control but also the part we think did the most damage last time, and it was happening slowly and steadily! I walked, rocked on a birthing ball, etc-but the crazy thing was, there was a bit more pressure than what I had been having for weeks but really not much, even as we approached 6, 7, 8 cm. Both my doula and nurse said they felt like they didn't have anything to do because I was calm, comfortable, still talking and laughing during contractions even as they started to get strong enough to trigger early decels.
Josh and my doula had been asleep for several hours when the intensity noticeably changed. Transition! I thought, excited because though I knew this meant the really tough and painful part was coming, it also meant we were almost done. As I said, I truly was thankful as the hours ticked away, but we were at a little over 12 now and I was starting to get exhausted from being up for days as well as shaky from lack of food.
Well, things kept getting more intense, I got checked and was 9/90/-2. Josh and my doula woke up to help, and we labored on. We soon realized I was stuck-my cervix did not change in over 4 hours (yes, of transition) and Hadassah was not moving down. I was not at the point of screaming despair and terror like with my last birth, though by then I was in just as much pain. My doctor suggested breaking my water (oh, forgot to tell you-it wasn't broken before!) to get her to drop her head. This would make things more intense but I didn't care-I was already having to yell during contractions and I could tell I was rapidly approaching my energy reserve endpoint and knew we needed to do something. So we waited for a break between contractions so I could roll onto my back, then my doctor ruptured my membranes. Boy, she wasn't kidding about increased intensity! My body took over and pushed, though I was in control enough to do short pushes instead of long sustained ones, and I was also able to stop between contractions. Even still, she was out in 15 minutes and her head and body came out in a single push just as I was absolutely sure I could take no more. I have decided that the sounds I make during this phase of labor most closely resemble a dying rhinoceros and tried between contractions to apologize.
And then she was here and on my belly and it was all absolutely worth it! I had to have an extensive exam of all of my internal and external tissues to assess the damage-and that was NOT fun-but the results of the exam made me cry-grade 1 lacs throughout! Nothing that required stitching or repair of any type but just enough to restore bloodflow to old scar tissue. Hopefully that plus Hadassah's passage through will jump start a healing process!
The reason she wasn't coming down is that she had a short cord which was wrapped around her body twice. So short they could only get her to my belly button while we waited for it to stop pulsing and be cut!
Really God's intervention was evident throughout the process but highlights to me
1. Even though it was a false alarm, the thought my water had broken got us into the hospital. If left to how I felt, we would have started heading in during transition.
2. There were 17 hours between the official start of active labor and delivery. Everything had time to stretch!
3. My doctor is so awesome-she came in even though it was the weekend and she wasn't on call. She labored with me through the night, providing counter pressure, reassurance, and the right call on breaking my waters.
4. No new tearing! I am on modified bedrest for a month to facilitate healing of old wounds but after that we are very hopeful!
5. My daughter is beautiful!
6. Other than transition and pushing, the word I would use to describe Hadassah's birth is "gentle." I kept wondering if I was actually in labor-all the way up to 8 cm! And even during transition and pushing there were breaks and moments to breathe and gather myself in between (this did not happen last time and it is soooo helpful!). And yes, I birthed unmedicated.

Thank you all for your prayers-they were heard and answered beyond what I dated to hope for!

Waiting on the World to Change

The downside of having Ben a little more than 3 weeks early is that gestating Hadassah feels like it is taking FOREVER-even though I still have a week and a half or so until my due date! I think what is making this more challenging/frustrating is that we were really hoping she would come similarly early-due to the postpartum complications and subsequent repair surgery I had last time, it would really be ideal for her to be on the smaller side. Ben would have been at least 10 pounds if he had gone to term, so the fact that we are closing in on that with her is a little scary! I keep trying to relax about it and remind myself that God is in control, both of when she comes and of her size, but it's a little hard. Another thing that is making it challenging is that I have been having early labor level contractions (aka strong enough to keep me from sleeping much, too strong to ignore, but not strong enough to change my cervix quickly and I can still work and interact with Ben through them) very regularly (every 5-10 minutes or so, 24 hours a day) for about 5 days now. We are most likely going to induce at 39 weeks if she hasn't come on her own by then (everyone pray she comes on her own by then!). This is not a choice I ever thought I would make-I am normally a big fan of letting babies choose their own birthdays. However, given the complications last time and my desire to avoid similar complications this time and hopefully emerge semi-intact, we think this is wisest. We are 100% sure of our dates (part of the consequences last time mean there was only really one possible time she could have been conceived) and the bigger she is, the more the risk for long term consequences.

Thoughts on the waiting...aside from the obvious discomfort factor! Haha! (I don't remember being quite this uncomfortable with Ben)
It is interesting to have absolutely no control over this. There is nothing I can do to "make" my body go into labor, or to control how and when it happens. I have thought through so many scenarios-knowing that even though this early part is lasting forever, once it finally kicks into active labor, things could go even more quickly than last time. This is emphasized by the fact that we would ideally like to do something with Ben besides having Josh hold him during delivery! It's so hard to know-when will it be time to call someone? Will we have time to take him somewhere? I just have to wait and trust that it will all work out the way it is supposed to! This is very difficult for the part of me that likes to plan for all contingencies and "have my ducks in a row."

I am wondering how/if we will know when it is time. I'm starting to ignore even pretty hard contractions-well, not ignore them, but something that would have (and did) sent me to the hospital to get checked a week ago is just a cue to breathe and keep going now. Hopefully we'll figure it out in time!

There are so few surprises left in life-true surprises. In some ways it's kind of neat to not know exactly when she is coming-at least when I'm not so consumed with being bored of being pregnant! :-)
I am doing my best to treasure these last few days as a family of 3. To enjoy my uninterrupted time with Ben, enjoy snuggling with him for naps on the weekends (yeah, I could leave him in the bed or I could stay and nap with him-guess what I pick every time?? Excuse to take a nap? Definitely!), playing with him when I get home, and morning nursing/snuggles. I am sure I will still do a lot of these things when she is here, but it will be different for all of us-a new normal will have to be established. Of course, I am nervous! But also excited and as ready as I think I can be.
Hopefully the next post will be her birth story! Prayers and encouragement are always appreciated! And I am an open book-if anyone wants to challenge me or know more of our reasons for planning an induction a week early, feel free to ask.

38 weeks with Hadassah and (right) 36.5 with Ben (4 days before he was borh)-she looks smaller, right???