In which I am painfully honest

Brutally, even. If you are not a pretty close friend, this won't be an enjoyable post for you to read. Even if you are, it will likely not be enjoyable, but maybe helpful/good. And if anyone is not up for brutal honesty and seeing my raw/painful side....that is okay. I think I'm partly writing this for me anyway.
I am a little over halfway through my maternity leave. Which means I still have almost 6 weeks left-WAY longer than I would ever be able to take off under any other circumstances and "should" mean I'm not struggling with going back yet! BUT I have been struggling with (dreading, crying, begging God for rescue) going back to work since day 1. I thought it would be easier the second time-I already survived it once. But it's not. It's harder. I think partly because I now have to leave 2 of the most amazing kids on the planet, partly because I am now painfully aware of just how  much I am missing and how fast time flies, and probably partly postpartum hormones.
When I was a little girl, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I used to answer all kinds of crazy things when I was really little...but my answer from the time I was old enough to know what I was saying until I was basically forced to choose a career or training path was..."mother." I passionately love children, especially young children. I have looked forward to this part of my life since I can remember-the part where I got to have babies of my own to love, hold, raise...and yes, get frustrated with, deal with tantrums, etc. I knew that was part of it. I grew up as the oldest of 7-I did not have a romanticized idea of what raising children was like.
And now I find myself in this part of life...and I love it. I love it so much. It's not a perfect fantasy world. My 20 month old throws screaming tantrums when something doesn't go his way. We have to discipline him for kicking people when he doesn't want his diaper changed (I have no idea what that phase is about). My 1 month old sometimes screams non stop from 9 until well after midnight and just about always keeps me up super late while the 20 month old is up well before 7 without fail. But I still love it. The last 6 weeks have been beautiful. I love hugging and playing, even figuring out how to fit in a much needed floor cleaning or diaper laundry load. And yet...through choices made by myself, others, and just "the way life is"...I find myself missing the vast majority of their baby lives. I get to be with them for 12 all too brief weeks and then, for all intents and purposes, hand their care and raising over to others. I am SO lucky that I can give that sacred trust to people who love them, and I believe that Josh is a phenomenal Dad and my mom is an amazing grandmother....but I want to do it. I want to be there to kiss the boo boos, to see the first roll over, to hear the first time they say a new word. I don't want just pictures and videos. I HATE that one of the first lessons they have to learn is "Mommy and milk are sometimes here and sometimes not-for no understandable reason."
I know. I know that I sound like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. I feel that way sometimes too. I am also incredibly blessed that I love what I do. I am very highly trained, (not to toot my own horn but it is true) very good at most aspects of what I do, and one of only a few therapists in the country with my exact skill set. I am not miserable all day at work, and heaven knows I am not bored. But my heart yearns for my children, especially right now, during their young years. Maybe I wouldn't really feel different if they were 15, but I kind of feel like I might. I struggle with feeling cheated.
You know all those memes that say things like "no one ever looked back and said 'I wish I spent less time with my kids and more at work'" etc.? Those always hit me hard in the gut. I KNOW I will regret spending this time at work. I already regret it, grieve it, deeply. But the almighty dollar dictates that I must. I hate it, because in theory, of course I would not want to trade time with my children for something as silly as money....but in reality, that isn't really a choice I have. I also find that many "mommy advice or encouragement" blogs or articles are geared toward encouraging moms who stay home, helping them realize how valuable what they do is despite the lack of paycheck, etc. Those also feel a bit like a stab in the heart. Maybe I need to stop reading them....
I am still halfheartedly begging God for rescue. And there may be rescue on the horizon. There is a possibility that Josh and I could switch once he finishes school in May, or that I could at least cut back somewhat on my hours. I am terrified to hope, though-how much more will it hurt if it doesn't come to be? And we don't know if it is really a possibility or when.
Anyway, if you have made it this far, thanks for taking the time. Now you know the "ugly me"-the selfish me, the whiny me, the me that I try to keep under the surface. I want to be real, though...and I would appreciate prayers or encouragement, if you have any (but please know that for me, saying things like "they will get over it" or "they will learn" doesn't actually encourage me, it just makes me feel horribly guilty and reinforces the feeling that I am abandoning them). I really don't want to spend the next 5.5 weeks fixating on the coming return to work-I want to cherish my time with my children. I am kind of hoping that getting this out on "paper" will help me do that. And I hope that, regardless of what ends up happening, I will be able to do what I am called to do to the best of my ability-whatever balance that ends up being between working in and out of the home. I want to give the best that I am to my children and my patients-I now echo the plea of all mothers around the world-I think I need another me!