I am down to one week of maternity leave. I don't really have words to describe how the quick passage of time has been for me during leave. It's almost as if I am being dragged toward a precipice and no matter what I do, I WILL be thrown off the edge at a predetermined time-I still am kicking and dragging my feet and trying to make it go slower, but it doesn't matter, I'm going off no matter what.
I would like to just list a few things I have LOVED and have been so thankful for during maternity leave-aka, my stint of pretending to be a SAHM. I didn't know to appreciate these things with Ben because I didn't know what to compare them to. Now I know what I am in for and know to love these things for the sweet moments they have been. Oh, and for the record-at least for me, going back the second time is far, far worse than the first. Not only am I leaving TWO kids instead of one, I know with painful certainty how quickly time will fly and just how much I will miss.
1. I have so deeply enjoyed getting to know my son more deeply and teach him. He's at such a fun age where language is really starting to develop and it is SO fun to help him with that. The "fun" flip side is that there is also a lot of frustration and tantruming-but that is part of it, and I am learning with him how to deal with those. I am going to miss being able to help guide him on a daily basis.
2. It is nice to not RUSH all the time. Not that I'm not busy-I am amazed by how full my days are with the everyday (and how I LOVE even the mundaneness of everyday home life with my babies). But I have enjoyed not being jarred awake by the alarm, then stressing/rushing to get baby fed/changed and myself read (and maybe fed), out the door (do I have all the things I need? Especially pump parts), then rushing during my work day-stressing over which patient will be late at just the wrong time to make it impossible or difficult for me to pump, will I be able to do my paperwork fast enough to leave somewhat close to when I am supposed to be done, will an emergency come up that forces me to stay late, are my babies okay??? It is nice to BE and just take the day as it comes-with my kids.
3. I really love being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower by myself without crushing guilt. Now don't get me wrong-I can count the number of times I have showered alone these last 12 weeks on 1 hand (I am pretty sure 2 fingers, mayyyybe 3) and I don't often go to the bathroom alone either, but when I do, I don't feel horribly guilty the way I did when I was working (how dare I take away one more minute when I am already missing so much with them). When I am working, I feel the need to be 100% actively engaged with family every minute I am home, and when that just isn't possible, I struggle with immense guilt. It goes beyond not taking time for myself, as in crafts/hobbies, down time, etc.-I don't expect to have that in this stage of life, and I am okay with it. We're talking intense guilt over taking a 10 minute shower. Not fun.
4. I love that I have the weight of one or both of the kids in my arms nearly all the time. Hadassah has really been held for most of her life (mostly by me) and Ben also gets his fair share of snuggle time. I have so enjoyed holding them both, having quiet moments when one or both are drifting to sleep, whispered "I love yous". I will certainly still be able to hold them after I go back to work, but it will be in moments of beauty, not all day every day.
5. I love not feeling like a bad mom. When I was working, I felt like a bad mom all the time. I don't know if others thought that (I'm sure some did) but I felt like this imposter who wasn't really a mom or who was a mom in name only. I still have those moments as a faux stay at home mom, of course-we all do!-but not all day every day, constantly. I don't have to cringe right now when I hear comments about how people love their kids too much to not stay home with them, I can nod in agreement when I hear admonitions that no one ever said on their death bed that they wished they spent more time at work, and I can feel like I am one of the primary influences in my kids' lives, rather than just some person on the periphery who never does enough and certainly is never there enough.
6. I have enjoyed sleeping. I don't sleep a lot, but WAY more than after I went back to work last time (I would say I was probably sleeping an average of 3-4 hours per night in 30-45 minute stretches due to Ben's need to nurse and make up for lost mommy time all night).
I know we will be okay. No one died last time, and Ben seems fairly well adjusted. We are going to have a rough first 5 weeks (that's the overlap between me going back to work and Josh finishing this very intense semester) but then it will probably get better, at least from a logistical standpoint and definitely MUCH easier for Josh. Thankfully, the schedule works to where Hadassah can come nurse at lunch (and I'm sure Ben will want to nurse then too) so that will help some. And yet, the cliff looms, a mere vacation's length away, and this time next week will be here before I know it. Oh, children, babies, I am so sorry....
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