We are too cheap to send out a Christmas/New Year's letter...

....so I suppose this will have to do!
2012 was a really crazy year for us, as it turns out! But we all lived through it, more or less in one piece, and we are happy and mostly healthy. :-)
This year began with a move halfway across the country to a FAR more northerly climate than either of us have ever experienced. The winter last year was mild; we'll see what this year has to offer! The first big snow of this winter was today, actually-about 2 inches or so, I think. Snow is beautiful, but can be deadly (well, it's the ice you really have to worry about, and the college student drivers!).
Of course, along with a move came a new job for me. Actually, I have kind of had 2 new jobs. When we moved here, the clinic I was supposed to start for the university wasn't ready, so I was basically a staff therapist for 6 months. When I came back from maternity leave, I moved to my new clinic, which has taken off quickly-so quickly that, less than 4 months after we opened, I had to hire a second therapist. I enjoyed the 6 months of "respite" as "just" a therapist-it's not that I mind the administrative stuff now that I have time built into my day to do it, but it was also nice to take a bit of a break from that for a few months. Now I'm learning the university system, which is worlds apart from a private practice. There are both pros and cons involved, as with anything else.
Oh, and halfway through the year we had a baby! Ben has been SUCH a delight. Parenthood certainly brings many challenges and sacrifices (I had no idea I could survive on such little sleep for so long!) but it is utterly worth it. My only complaint is that he is flying through the stages TOO quickly. My maternity leave flew by in the blink of an eye, and then I turned around and he was 6 months old. Wow. I can truly, sincerely say that this is by far the best thing I have ever devoted my life to, regardless of the sacrifices.
But wait, there's more!
Josh started back to school. He did one class each semester in the summer and fall, and he is hoping to start full time this next semester. If he is able to do that, he should be able to complete a Bachelor's degree in English (concentrated in creative writing) by next spring. We are anticipating a lot of challenge with this as I work full time, he goes to school full time, and we take care of Ben, but he is excited about it. We don't know what doors this will or will not open, but we are trying to trust God and go with it.
Enough changes yet? Somewhere in there, I had my gallbladder removed and also my pelvic floor reconstructed. I've been in the hospital a LOT this year. I think maybe my new year's resolution should be to not be hospitalized for an entire year!
Anyway, we love you all, miss those of you we left behind when we moved, and are looking forward to continuing to live life. I'm sorry I haven't been awesome about updating the blog regularly. I have been feeling overwhelmed with life/work recently, and struggling with deeply desiring to be home more with Ben, but the reality of needing to provide so we can pay the bills. This is a season. Is it for the next year, or the next lifetime? I don't know. I'm trying to be okay with not needing to know. I am still definitely recovering from my most recent surgery, but as I slowly re-enter life in addition to surviving work and caring for my child, hopefully I will see some of you more. I think feeling overwhelmed and exhausted is just part of this season of life, but hopefully we can be in better touch!
May 2013 be filled with blessings for you and yours!

Half a year?! Already???

First, I should probably apologize. Friends, I have been a bad bloggy friend. :-) I can't even use the excuse of work/busy-ness because I was off for 3 weeks following a surgery. I just haven't been very inspired with fun topics to write about-the things that are weighing on me are pretty heavy and rather depressing, and I don't want to force anyone to read them!
Anyway, today is Ben's 6 month "half birthday." What in the world....I don't even know how we got here. Half a year seems so long, yet it has gone by so quickly. Before I know it, he'll be walking and talking, and then leaving for college!!! (okay, so that's a slight exaggeration, but at the moment it doesn't feel like much of one!) He is definitely getting bigger and more expressive...sadly, he is also realizing that mommy leaves all day and we are dealing with some "consequences" from that.
New things he is doing this month:
He rolls easily and regularly. He can also scoot in a circle. He doesn't seem the have the forward/back thing down yet, but he can do 180s. He tends to push his toys just out of reach and then gets frustrated when he can't get to them.
He is chewing on EVERYTHING! I'm waiting on teeth to erupt any day.
He VERY badly wants to eat big kid food like mommy and daddy. I think we're going to have to start making some purees or something, since I don't know how to let him eat food when he has no teeth (Anna? Lydia?). I actually can't eat OR drink while nursing anymore or he will lose interest in nursing and want what I have.
He is a bit more fussy than he has been in the past. I'm going with his teeth hurting, but I'm not really sure. He definitely needs more intense attention, which wasn't a problem when I was home all day, but is now becoming a bit more challenging.
He can sit up by himself for short periods of time, but doesn't have the best balance yet, so I don't let him do it much because I don't want him to conk his head on our hardwood floor. I want to get an area rug, but the one I want is mucho dinero, and so that's on the "several months from now" agenda.
He LOVES to chew his toes. When we change his diapers, the toes go straight into his mouth..which actually makes diaper changes a little easier!!
He still does poop in the potty, but he had a virus that was making him go ALL THE TIME (seriously..every 30 minutes or more)...so we stopped catching all of them. The virus is gone now, but he still poops more frequently, so we are probably only catching about 50% of them in the potty. Oh well!
I don't really have any new pictures (aside from the ones on facebook already), but there are your half year updates! I wonder if he'll start crawling this month?

Motherhood

Some days, I think I must be insane. Motherhood has taken a lot from me:
My sleep
My time
My body (though I hope after my procedure on Monday to no longer feel like I gave birth yesterday!)
My looks (the ones I was accustomed to at least!)
My work/life balance (now I feel like no matter how much I'm at home, it's never enough!)
My money
In short: I will never be the same.
And yet...I LOVE being a mother. It is seriously one of the best "jobs" I have ever had in my life. The overwhelming thought in my mind shortly after Ben's birth was, "I'm so GLAD that I am at this stage of my life now." Granted...I have always wanted to be a mother. In fact, when I was a child and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, that's what I would say most of the time. You could say that maybe that was because it's what my Mom did, or what I thought "normal" women did when they grew up...and maybe there's a bit of that in there. But deep down, I think there has always been a pull on me to be a mother.
I know. It's not normal to wake up 9 times in one night (yeah, that's more than once an hour for those of you who, like me, are math challenged and/or short on sleep) and still deeply love and be pleased with the offspring whose requests for nutrition pulled you out of slumber. It's not normal to change the 12th poopy diaper of the day and think that this poopy diaper maker is SO much more wonderful than all the others. It's not normal for your heart to sing at a smile or giggle. Except I think maybe it is for mothers.
It is not all fun and games and delight, don't get me wrong! I'm exhausted, and there are times when I am very tempted to feel sorry for myself and resent the fact that there is literally zero time in the day (or night!) right now that is just for me. And yet...
I love being a mother.

 I mean, come on now-this face is irresistable!

5 Month Update!

Somehow, when I wasn't looking, my baby boy turned 5 months old! I know they say time flies when you have kids, but I honestly think "they" (whoever this nebulous "they" is) underestimated how fast. I still feel like the mother of a newborn, but in all reality, he is growing up more each day!
New things he is doing:
"Play time" is acceptable. He'll do tummy time or back time on the play mat. He can lift his chest up and do mini pushups when he's doing tummy time, and now that he has figured out how to grasp things and pull them toward him, he is much more okay with being down. Only for short periods of time still (I think he'd be fine with still being held 24/7) but I think his dad appreciates being able to put him down for a little while during the day.
He LOVES his jumper. We're going to blame his cousin Caleb for being a bad influence and making him want the thing! lol! But he will literally jump around in it for 20-40 minutes quite happily. Again, I think Daddy enjoys the free time, and Ben LOVES the lights and music. It's his Christmas present, which I know we gave him quite early-but I figure he's not going to remember Christmas this year anyway, and I want to get the maximum enjoyment out of this thing (kids grow out of toys so fast!). We got it for a great deal, and it's pretty cute...rain forest instead of cousin Caleb's zoo.
He JUST figured out how to roll over on purpose. He's not using it as a form of travel yet, but he can go from front to back and vice versa. I missed seeing it the first time because I was at work (the first of many "firsts" I will miss, I'm afraid!) but have since seen him doing it.
He is ticklish. :-) Like his dad, the left side of his body is more ticklish than the right. His giggles are soooo adorable.
His smile melts my heart. Well, that's not new...but I still love it.
He squeals with delight. Which is awesome except when he's close to your ear! I know this is a stage that kids go through but wow...is it ever shrill!
He is still refusing a bottle and eating more at night to make up for it...so most nights we wake up an average of 4-6 times. Mommy is tired! But he is growing well and seems pretty healthy, so it's worth it. He's still in our bed, and I'm not even going to try to get him out of it until he's eating enough solids to get enough calories that way to make it for longer stretches at night (strange sentence-sorry!).
I truly can't believe my little man is growing up so fast. I feel like he changes so much each day and is growing up and getting more fun each day as well. My heart doesn't know whether to mourn the loss of my tiny baby or rejoice as we see more and more of the person he will be. Ah, motherhood!
Josh and I are doing well. Work is getting busier-I'm about to hire my second therapist. I'm having surgery to repair postpartum complications on November 19th, and I'm hoping to be able to become more active/return to exercise and do more than just survive one work week at a time once I have recovered from that! We are praying that will finally end the incredible pain I've been experiencing for 5 months now. Prayers and well wishes would be deeply appreciated!

 Tummy Time!!!

 He has the craziest hair sometimes...stick straight (and sticking straight up!) when it's dry, curly when wet.

 This smile always melts my heart.

 He thinks drinks are interesting and wants to try whatever Mom is drinking (no, I don't give him Coke Zero...sometimes water, but never Coke Zero!).

First taste of non-milkies as food (he was just licking it...he liked it though...yikes, solids are just around the corner!

4 months?!?

A couple of days ago, Ben turned 4 months old. I honestly feel like I have no idea how that happened. The people who tell you time goes by too quickly when you have kids are not exaggerating. If anything, they underestimate how quickly time goes.
New things that he is doing...
If he wants someone's attention, he smiles at them until they notice. He's so cute when he smiles that this typically works and he gets their full attention!
He has started giggling sometimes. He is intermittently ticklish, and he will also giggle if we do something with/to him that he really likes.
He is much more okay with being put down or being in his car seat. He won't tolerate either indefinitely, but he also doesn't start crying the minute he is not being held (unless he's in a bad mood) which is nice. He's okay with tummy time for a while. He is rolling from side to side, but I haven't seen him purposely roll from front to back or vice versa yet.
He no longer poops only first thing in the morning. However, he does always let us know when he needs to poop...we are learning not to ignore grunting noises, because when he goes, he GOES. I don't think there is a diaper in the world that can contain what he does when he poops.
He is way more interactive...he always smiles back, and now he is starting to "talk" back to us too (by making cooing noises).
He has found his hands. He hasn't figured out how to grasp things on purpose yet, but if he does get a hold of something, it's going in his mouth. Not to suck (usually) but to chew.
He decided he doesn't like bottles anymore. He knows if he waits long enough, I'll eventually come home (or dad will bring him to me for lunch) and he will get to eat "the real way." This is great, except that he has to make up those calories somewhere, and the time I'm home is from (about) 5:30 PM to 7:15 AM...so he does the majority of his eating during those hours. I think he's going through a growth spurt, so those things combined are pretty brutal...the last 3 nights he has eaten 7 times, 10 times, and 6 times respectively (after we went to bed...I don't know how often he eats before we go to bed). He still stays asleep during these times, he just cries and nuzzles in his sleep until he gets a nipple in his mouth, and then he eats and settles. Oof. I am one tired Mama, but I know that I am going to miss these days when they are over, too, so I am trying to just enjoy the good parts and survive the exhaustion!
He is enormous! Every time I worry about whether he's getting enough to eat, my mom points out that my little chunker weighs about 20 pounds and wears size 6-9 month clothing (and he even has a few 12 month outfits that fit).
I would say the hardest things for me so far have been the lack of sleep (getting up every 1-2 hours is way harder when you have to be up by 6:30 for work and can't take any type of nap during the day!! Sometimes I wonder if I'm really safe to be driving...) and the fact that I literally have no time to myself. Those both sound so selfish, don't they? It's definitely an exercise in dying to self.  I don't feel like I can really sleep train him yet because he actually needs to be waking me up that many times to eat since he isn't taking bottles during the day. It's something that happens with breastfed babies whose moms work, so in many ways I walked myself into that situation!! And I would still way prefer this to him deciding he likes the bottles better. And as for time to myself...I feel like maybe I can have that again when he is older (or when we are done having kids! Haha!) but for now, I already steal enough time from him and his dad while I'm at work and it isn't fair for me to take more (or to ask his dad to watch him more than he already is) just because I'm tired or feeling worn out. One day at a time! :-) That being said, motherhood is still my favorite thing I've done so far...it's hard, but overall so worth it!
He is definitely my favorite baby that we've had so far! :-) I really miss him while I'm at work, but his dad does a great job of taking care of him (though I'm sure that can be intense sometimes when he is fussy). We are just trying to learn to live our new lives, and hopefully we take care of him the way we should!

The Mommy Wars

So, there is this phenomenon that I've become aware of since having Ben: the mommy wars. Well, actually, I was somewhat aware of it even before he was born, but have become increasingly aware of it since. This is the phenomenon where women criticize each other's parenting styles and even argue/debate, name call, etc. regarding their particular style.
Some of the most common examples:
Cosleeping with your child is the only way to bond and make him/her feel safe through the night! If you don't do it, your child will grow up with insecurity issues! You must not love him/her enough if you insist on putting him/her in a crib alone. VS If you cosleep, you are probably going to smother your child. Even if you are lucky enough not to smother him/her, at the very least you will spoil him/her and never, ever, EVER get him/her out of your bed. If you cosleep, you must not care if you kill your child, and you must not love him/her enough to teach them independence and self soothing.
Picking your child up when he/she cries teaches him/her that you can be trusted. Strong attachment now leads to more independence later. Do your best to provide soothing in these early stages; if you don't want to do this for whatever reason, you must be selfish and put your own needs or wants above those of your child. VS Your child needs to learn to self soothe. If you don't teach him/her now, when will you? You must not care whether he/she is ever able to become an independent adult.
Cloth diapering is best for the environment, keeps scary chemicals away from your baby's genitals, and is much cheaper! If you don't do it, you must not care about any of the aforementioned. VS You must be insane if you cloth diaper. Seriously. They have technology for that, and some things are just worth spending the money on.
Pacifiers/bottles/anything but the breast for soothing is evil! VS Dude, are you nuts? Let your kid have any of those that will work to get him/her to stop crying.
Anything in the medical profession is evil! (meds, vaccines, circumcision, etc.) If you enforce these on your child and/or yourself, you clearly don't care about all the risks and just are blindly following the lead of people who don't know what they are doing. VS You are insane if you don't use modern medicine for the betterment of your child. Are you trying to bring back polio?
STOP!!! Good heavens, isn't parenthood hard and crazy and scary enough? And has anyone taken into consideration that children are not cookies, so a cookie cutter approach to parenthood is about as likely to work as a cookie cutter approach to anything else that involves humans (ie not at all)? Why can't we have civilized discussions and mutually support each other as we each try to make choices that are right for our family with this particular child?
I think the reason is that for some reason, we humans have a tendency to believe that if someone makes a different choice than we did, that is a silent condemnation of our choice. Then we feel that we have to defend the choice that we made. I find myself doing this sometimes. I'll mention something...say the fact that we cloth diaper...and even if the other person says nothing or something neutral, I feel the need to "make excuses" and explain why (basically: we are cheap, they are cute, and I find it kind of fun). My personality is not a confrontational one, so I don't tend to get into arguments about these sorts of things, but I do feel the need to sort of apologetically explain myself. But why did I assume they had a negative thought about it in the first place? I certainly don't think they are terrible people/parents because they use disposable diapers! Why can't I extend the same grace to them (in terms of what they think when they hear about my parenting choices) that I extend to myself when I hear about their choices?
I think the mommy wars hurt all of us...they make dialogue difficult or impossible, which makes it hard for us to make informed decisions about some of these issues. What would it look like if we were able to educate each other in a judgment free way (ie I did this in this way because xyz, and this was my experience)? This requires something from both sides: a presentation in a judgment free way from one mommy, and a lack of innate defensiveness on the part of the other mommy. Both are somewhat against the grain of our natural tendency, though! But surely it is possible.
Did this make any sense? Do you struggle with this, or am I the only one? :-) I actually think this can apply to choices outside of motherhood as well-career choices, schooling choices, lifestyle choices...as if there is some magical approach to life that fixes it all and is the "best." Maybe there is, maybe there isn't-but I really want to be more open to learning and I want to be able to share what I have learned in a way that educates without making others feel that I think they have to do what I did to do it "right."

Big boy!

 Picture comparison: 3 weeks (above) and 3 months (taken this morning). Good grief. He's getting kind of hard to hold this way...and his dad might end up with a monstrously big bicep on only one side!

 Dad multitasking with breakfast this morning....

We tried to keep it from happening, but we are giving up on trying to pull his hand out of his mouth. So far he mostly chews on his fist (everyone thinks I'm crazy, but I really do think he is teething) rather than sucking fingers. I don't recall meeting many older kids with a habit of stuffing their whole fist in their mouth and chomping, so I'm not as worried about how to break him of that habit.

3 months...

Ben just turned 3 months old! It is hard to believe it has really been that long that we have had this little guy on the "outside"...that already we have come to the end of the "fourth trimester"...that it has almost been a whole year that we have been on this parenthood journey. It's also a little scary for me...because every parenting book/article/magazine etc. out there says that it is impossible to hold a baby too much for the first 3 months...that their needs and wants are synonymous...just do what the baby wants and what feels natural. Even resources that are pretty gung ho about making kids be as independent as possible as early as possible make an exception for the first 3 months. And now that period is over! Now, I am well aware that each child is different and needs different parenting. I'm also aware that we are probably not going to "do it right" all the time with any of our kids (sadly! I so wish we could!)...but it feels to me like now we are entering the tricky part...the part that is less clear, and where it is more likely that we will mess up more with our parenting decisions!
Ben has become much more animated this last month...he smiles frequently now, and has started to giggle occasionally (I try REALLY hard to get pictures and/or video, but he thinks the silvery box is interesting and so always stops whatever cute thing he is doing to look at it). He also has long "conversations with us that consist of some very animated smiling and cooing on his part and a lot of smiling, cooing, and laughing (and just plain adoration) back on our parts! I think he also recognizes voices. He also gets very excited when he can tell I am getting ready to nurse him, which is pretty funny to see!
He has also become a little more fussy/hard to soothe this month. I'm not sure why (and it seems most resources say 3 months should start a less fussy stage?). My 2 theories are that it could be a reaction to the change of Mommy going  back to work or it could be teething related, maybe? He seems really young for that but he does have some hard little nubs under his gums and has been chewing things and drooling, so maybe.
He is also HUGE! So huge that the swing doesn't swing with him in it anymore :/ It's kinda hard because he is still a very young baby, but things made to soothe young babies are now getting too big for him! It's even a little hard to fit him in the Moby in the "newborn cradle hold" because he is so tall, but his legs are not ready for the regular hold yet!
We started ECing this month! (Elimination Communication...basically "potty training" the parents to know when their baby needs to go) We are doing it VERY part time...as in my goal is just to catch the poops in the potty. I feel like a terrible mother for saying this, but I can't tell when he needs to pee because I am not with him enough during the day. But he makes the poops easier on us because he always goes right when he wakes up and often strains and groans at other times. So I started just taking him in the morning when he first wakes up. The first few times I figured it was luck (and counted myself lucky that he didn't mind being dangled over the toilet to go potty!) but now anytime someone holds him over the potty, he tries to go to the bathroom. A few times we have misread the signs, so he just manages some gas passage and/or pee, but it's really interesting how quickly he caught on (especially since we are NOT doing it full time!). Once or twice he has even woken up with a dry diaper (he did this today) and then done SEVERAL sizable pees and poops in the potty. Mommy needs to get better at aiming the pee, though...
Anyway, we just love our little guy so much and I think he's getting cuter by the day!  I know I'm biased, but look at these pics and then let me know if I am wrong!! :-)

Cooing

This is a 12 month size outfit

Utterly adorable!

Sleep...

Sleep is a funny thing. Or maybe my relationship with it right now is funny. Or maybe both. Or, possibly, neither is funny, but I am so sleep deprived that I think everything is funny! Ahem...
So, I used to be the person who "needed" 8-9 hours of sleep to function well. I could "survive" on 5-6 for a few days, but then "had" to go back to at least 8-9 or I would start feeling sick. I never pulled all-nighters in college. I did a few semi all nighters in PT school (study till midnight, take a nap, get up again at 4 AM to study more...thank goodness for an awesome study partner!) but did NOT like it and didn't feel that great afterward.
Then, along came a baby! The sleep deprivation started long before Ben was born. In the first trimester, I had to go to the bathroom at LEAST 3 times per night. Plus, I often felt too nauseated to rest well. Second trimester was better-only woke up about once a night on average there. And then, oh, then...the dreaded third trimester! Yeahhh...between being unable to be comfortable, my beached-whaleness making any movement a huge effort, and a nearly full grown baby happily pushing on my trampoline...errr, bladder...there wasn't much sleep then.
And then the birth! Even though my actual labor was short, because of all the decels and issues prior to labor, I did not sleep at all the night before he was born. I didn't sleep much the night after, either. But there must have been some GOOOOD hormones flowing, because I wasn't really all that tired at the time.
Ben actually slept really well when he was first born, and because I was on maternity leave, I could just rest when he did and we could make our "schedules" by what his and my body requested. It was pretty great. I honestly felt WAY less tired during the newborn time than during the third trimester.
But now, the real world has returned and I have had to introduce Ben to 3 concepts that he does NOT like:
1. Schedules. Specifically, a morning schedule. I think my baby might be a night owl. Trust me, I try hard to put him to bed early, but it almost never works. He just isn't sleepy until 9 or so at night most nights. This would be fine, except that he needs to eat his breakfast around 6:45 in order to allow me to feed him, feed me, put on clothes, get the milk pumping supplies together, and get out the door (hopefully also brush my hair and teeth!). He does NOT like being woken up this early...if I leave him alone (on a morning when I don't have to work) he will sleep until somewhere between 8 and 10 AM, so 6:30 wakeup calls are not welcomed at all! I think they make him grumpier throughout the day (even though he almost always goes back to sleep after eating). This leads me to question: which is more important? Letting his body rest on its own schedule, or him eating breakfast directly from me instead of from a bottle? I really want him to have as few bottles as possible, but it is sad to see him so grumpy when he wakes up! :-(
2. Mommy being gone all day. Apparently he has several meltdowns per day. I'm pretty sure nursing would fix most of those, but the bottle is a poor substitute. What makes me feel even worse is that I know he doesn't have object permanence yet, so he doesn't understand that I still exist, let alone that I am coming back. He thinks he has been abandoned. When I do come back, he gulps hungrily and needs to nurse for a while, but keeps pulling off to give me these delighted milky smiles (which makes a big mess everywhere!). I think they are adorable, but it's almost like he is just SO excited to see me because he thought I was gone forever! Ouch.
3. No "on demand" nursing during the day. He will eat from a bottle, but it is clearly not his preference. I don't want it to be his preference, but it's hard for him...he's used to just being offered "the source" whenever he requests it. That's still how it works anytime I am home, but I'm sure it's hard for him to understand why he is being offered a substitute. He seems to be reverse cycling (eating the bare minimum from the bottle, then making up for it by eating a lot in the evening and waking up more often at night to feed as well).
Anyway, I feel super bad for him...and the fatigue is slowly catching up with me as well. I have to get up at 6:30, I can't nap during the day, and we're eating probably every 1.5 hours or so at night. Whew! This too shall pass, but holy cow...working with an infant is WAY different than maternity leave with an infant in so many ways. Hopefully I will get used to this new level of fatigue soon. Until then, my excuse for crazy or absentminded behavior is, "Oh...oops. Haha, I guess I'm just as tired as I thought I was!"
This morning's schedule actually worked perfectly (for Ben)....maybe it can become a habit! He started groaning and crying around 6:15, so I let him wake up (when he's in that state I can let him wake up OR put him back to bed). For some crazy reason his diaper was dry (???? I put that diaper on him around 8:30 the night before) so I took him potty, where he peed and pooped like a champ (I need to learn how to "aim" him for the pee...wowza). Then we nursed and he went back to sleep by 7. There was very little fussing and complaining. Hopefully he's happier for Daddy this morning...we'll find out!
Anyway, I am not complaining. He is so worth it! But this is my advance notice/apology...if I act weird, let me know so I can apologize at the time too! But it's most likely the sleep deprived brain talking/acting. :P All that being said, I am frequently surprised by how functional I feel on such little sleep. Not sure if it's new mama hormones, grace, or just that I don't actually "need" as much sleep as I previously thought...either way, I'll take it! And those of you who are looking forward to new little ones...definitely do rest when you can, but know that you will be able to do it, and it is absolutely worth it!

Crunchy Mama?

I got called a crunchy mama the other day. I didn't really feel that it fit. I know and admire several women who I deem to be crunchy mamas, but I never considered myself to be one of them! I guess I associate the term with a very specific type of woman and lifestyle, and do not feel that I live up to it. It was pointed out that I exhibit several behaviors that are often typical of a crunchy (or "natural") mama.
1. I birthed Ben without any type of pain medication. Well...yes, that is true. I did a lot of research before our birth and was pretty convinced that an epidural was not the best decision for us. I went into the birth experience wanting to do it without chemical assistance, but open to whatever was needed. As it turned out, the labor was so quick that I wouldn't have been able to get an epidural even if I asked for it right when things started getting intense. To be honest, with the level of intensity that we experienced, I would have gone for one had it been an option (I begged Josh to call the nurse and tell her I needed one)! Now I am glad that the whole thing was unmedicated (other than some IV antibiotics) and hope to do it again. Hopefully having "survived" a crazy and intense labor once will give me strength to draw on and remove the fear that was the hardest part of the last labor (and the part that made me want an epidural)!
2. We use cloth diapers. Also true. We originally looked into cloth diapers because I am, as noted in other places on this blog, allergic to spending money. Cloth diapers are much more up front than buying a bag of disposables, but over the "diapering life" of a child, you save a lot of money! And, since we hope to have more children and cloth diaper them, we will save exponentially with each child. Ben is almost 3 months old, and most people we know spend about $100 per month on disposables....so we have almost made our money back and everything from here on out will be savings! Plus, cloth diapers are so extremely cute! Now that we have been using them for a while, Josh and I both have discovered that we actually enjoy cloth diapering. Both of us find the smell of disposable diapers and wipes to be unpleasant (I was previously unaware that they had a smell, but they do!) and like it when Ben just smells like himself (not him plus diaper odor). I actually kind of even like laundering them (I know, I'm probably crazy). I honestly don't find them more difficult to use than disposables. Now, I am fully aware this may change when Ben starts eating solids!
3. We cosleep. Yep, sure do...have since he was born. Now this is purely due to my laziness. Ben's room is all the way across the house (not far, really, but still...) and sleep is so precious. By cosleeping I can stay mostly asleep even while feeding him in the middle of the night. I have done extensive research on the pros and cons of cosleeping as well as how to do it safely. Unlike the previous two, I don't necessarily plan to do this with future children. Instead, my intent is to do whatever sleeping arrangement gets all of us the most sleep possible. I'm aware that this one is probably the most controversial of the 3 so far (the first two may draw some "You must be crazy" thoughts, but people get very animated on both sides of the cosleeping debate), but the bottom line is, we do it safely, I feel much more rested than I expected to feel, and since I am the breadwinner in this house and also the only one who can feed Ben, I HAVE to get as much sleep as possible. I am not necessarily a proponent of sharing a bed with a toddler! We intend to get him into his own bed long before that. However, as long as he (physiologically and developmentally speaking) needs to eat multiple times at night, I think he will probably stay in our bed. We are working on getting him to sleep alone for naps and for the first part of the night (this way I can get some time with Josh and I don't go to sleep at 8 PM...though I bet I could!).
4. We baby wear. This one is mostly because I don't like to hear him cry, but it's nice to have hands available sometimes to do things like eating, laundry, playing games with my spouse, etc. I guess you could say it's a matter of laziness too! :-)
5. I breastfeed. This is a combination of "I'm lazy" and "I'm allergic to spending money." Also a knowledge that breastmilk is so ridiculously better for Ben than anything else out there. Plus, my body seems happy to produce an abundance! I am very thankful that we don't have supply problems, and are even able to give some of it to a friend for her adopted preemie son.
So, I guess what I'm saying is that all of these behaviors are done because we are trying to save money, rest as much as possible/be lazy, or because we just feel they are the right parenting decisions for us. I deeply admire the women that I feel to be crunchy mamas...maybe I don't think I am one because I work, and that doesn't fit my picture of a crunchy mama? I also think I don't fully fit the picture because none of these decisions were born of a deep conviction that this decision is best for the environment or the only way to raise our children. Instead, these are our decisions for raising this child, and I feel open to other ideas (with future children, or maybe even with this child as he gets older). Perhaps I'm just weird in that I don't think there is one right way to parent, or even one right way to parent within a family! I fully expect to make separate decisions for each child, and I have no illusions that what is right for us will necessarily work for another family (though I am happy to talk to any of my friends about how these things have worked for us so far as they try to make their decisions!).  Maybe I can call myself a lightly toasted mama?

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

This week was/is my first week back to work. To say I was apprehensive leading up to it is an understatement! I couldn't imagine being away from the little boy who has literally been touching me almost 24 hours a day for 9 hours or more! I wouldn't even call my feelings mixed. I was just downright dreading it, and hoping by some miracle it wouldn't come so soon.
Well, the good news is, it did not live up to my expectations! It has been very hard (the hardest thing is leaving in the morning, especially if Ben has fallen back asleep after his breakfast and is clinging onto me) but not the pure torture that I was imagining.
Things I am thankful for:
Josh brings Ben to me at lunch. This helps break the day up so it doesn't seem like I've abandoned him for quite so long, and it means he only has to take 2 bottles per day. Which is good, because he seems like he may be reverse cycling (apparently this is a normal behavior for breastfed babies where they will eat just what they need to survive during the time they are apart from the absent mother and then make up for it at night and in the evening)...he will only eat 1-2 oz total for Josh between 7 and 12, when he comes to see me, and same in the afternoon (about 12:30 to 5:30). That's not nearly enough and I am pretty positive it's way less than he normally eats, since I can pump 6-8 ounces out (and all the literature says the baby gets more milk out of you than the pump does!). And he has been wanting to eat much more than normal in the evenings and all night long.
I can only say that God must be giving me strength and energy. Because I'm pretty sure I'm sleeping less than 6 hours total per night (and those are very broken up into snatches...some nights it's been 45 minute snatches and some nights 2 or 3 hours for at least one of the snatches) and I haven't been in an accident or had a severe headache or fallen asleep at work in front of a patient!
Work is starting back at a relatively slow pace. This is because I'm opening a satellite location and we are still working on building up the clientele base. I imagine it will get super insane really quickly, but at the moment it's slow. This allows me to get administrative, marketing, and setup work done without working overtime, and it also helps me physically. To say I am not fully healed is an understatement. I am in ever increasing amounts of pain each day, from multiple places!
This weekend is a 3 day weekend. Again with the slow, easing in and allowing for recovery time.
My boss is very understanding of my needs to pump, bring the baby in at lunch, etc. It's great to have such a supportive environment.
Josh is doing such a great job of taking care of Ben...even though I know some days it is exhausting as Ben has had several days where he just wants to nurse. So he screams all morning until he comes for lunch, then crashes and sleeps most of the afternoon (that part is okay!). I'm sure that is NOT fun for Josh.
Ben seems to still like me...he smiles and "talks" to me when he does see me. I know it probably wasn't reasonable, but I was really afraid he would feel abandoned (I feel like I'm abandoning him!) and not want anything to do with me. Especially since I know he's not old enough to have object permanence yet (I know, I'm a geek...that means he doesn't understand that things still exist even if he doesn't see them).
I know a lot of you guys have been sending prayers and well wishes our way. We REALLY appreciate this...it's a tough transition for all of us, and the support is both necessary and felt.
I'm trying to stay as positive as I can about all of this. I hope that each day and week gets slowly easier and we settle into this new normal...even as I can't shake the nagging feeling that there's not much about this that I should consider normal and okay! (again, not reasonable...probably new mommy hormones talking) I've been amazed at how supportive various people are here as well....though I've actually had way more support from work friends and acquaintances than church friends and acquaintances. It seems like this transition is hard for everyone, and it's nice that people are understanding of me having a tough time!

2 whole months of motherhood

Wow...my son is 2 months old. Time has just flown by so quickly! I thought it would go by slowly because I have been home, but if anything it seems to have gone by more quickly because of that. Our pace of life/normal is going to change again in just another 10 days or so as I go back to work, but I wanted to chronicle how dearly I have loved being able to be a full time mother for these first 2 months of Ben's life. He just started smiling in response...he is also making some really adorable coos and "talks" to me and his dad (especially on the changing table). Awwww.... :-)
Things I love:
Mornings are so fun! He's usually a little grumpy while he is in the process of waking up, but then we change his diaper and he wakes all the way up and he is so cute! We can count on at least 30 minutes of relaxed hangout time with the 3 of us in bed cuddling, talking/cooing, smiling/laughing...and then it ends abruptly with his first dirty diaper of the day, which he does around 8:30 like clockwork! Haha...oh, the joys of having children!
The way his eyes light up when he smiles at me. :-)
He does this really cute coo/sigh thing after he sneezes. It's almost like he has enough air for another sneeze but doesn't have the sneeze, so he lets it out as an "Oawwhhh" noise which is so adorable! You probably have to be there to understand how cute this is.
The way his eyelids flutter as he is going to sleep, but not quite there yet...
Snuggling while he is sleeping...even though it's a little inconvenient that he's not very good at staying asleep unless he is touching someone, it is so sweet that he likes to cuddle.
The way that (for now) I can fix even the most tragic tragedy for him...I think he loves his mommy. 

Make sure you have your volume on when you watch the video...he's demonstrating smiling and cooing...and how quickly tragedy can strike!
Things he loves:
Nursing is still his favorite and he does a LOT of it! He's a messy eater like his daddy so sometimes we both end up covered in milk. We have his 2 month appointment on Friday and I am interested to see how much he weighs!!
Going outside is fun...not sure if it's all the things to look at or the temperature or what!
Pooping, spitting up, and sneezing...all at once! And then spraying dad during his diaper change. Sometimes we ask him if there are any other body fluids he would like to deposit on us!
Wiggle time on his fleece...in small increments!
Sucking on his Wubbanub...a soothie pacifier with a 6 inch stuffed animal attached. He has a lamb one and a triceratops one.
Being worn. The sling and the Moby are both acceptable but the Moby is a faster ticket to dreamland!

Comparison pics...look how much he has grown! 1 week old

2 months...and very serious!

Totally gratuitous cute baby picture!

Thoughts from the other side of the curtain....

It has been a long time since I have been a patient. I have spent a LOT of time as a patient, but the most recent time was quite a long time ago. I don't really count my pregnancy/labor/delivery/postpartum experiences as "patient" ones per se, because I really wasn't sick (though sometimes I felt not the best!) and it was a joyful event, and I knew what was happening (most of the time!), and many of the "patient" things (IV, hospital gown) were removed soon after I got to the postpartum floor. In fact, my recent brush with cholecystitis was my first hospitalization for an illness/surgery since I have been an adult. Now that I feel more like a person and less like a ball of pain/fatigue/ickiness, I have had some time to reflect on my experiences as a patient and come up with some insights that may be helpful to me in my career as a physical therapist. I hope I do some of these things already (some of you have seen me in practice and may know better than I), but it's always good to pay closer attention to the "nonessential essentials" of patient care-that is, those things that do not directly help the person's physical condition but are part of the intervention nonetheless.
1. It is helpful to reassure people that what they are feeling is real, and they are not crazy. I actually tried to wait out this "attack" instead of going to the hospital, because I thought I was either manufacturing my symptoms, or perhaps there was a non emergency cause (such as gas or food poisoning). The whole way there, I was afraid that they would take one look at me in the ER, laugh, and tell me nothing was wrong. Of course, they wouldn't have laughed to my face (I hope)...that would not be professional! But still. It was oddly reassuring to hear the doctor tell me there was something wrong and he was pretty sure he knew what it was, but just needed confirmatory testing. It was even reassuring that the nurse told me she couldn't believe I was so quiet and I really should be complaining more/asking for pain medication more frequently.
2. There are several ways to say "this is normal." One of them makes you feel ignored and dismissed. The other is reassuring and says, "Even though I know this does not feel good, it is part of getting better and it will get easier/less painful." Eye contact and taking time to listen and ask questions really makes a big difference here!
3. Sometimes something is not normal, and if you assume it is just because it sounds like something you've heard before, you can miss something. I complained to one of my night nurses that my IV spot in my hand was really pretty painful-in fact, it was making my whole hand hurt and swell (to the point where she had to cut off my hospital bracelet and give me a new one because the old one was cutting into my skin). She told me the ER probably just put it on too tight in the rush to get me back and that since the IV was flowing well, there was nothing wrong with it. Later (after surgery) I winced as a new medication went into my IV in the recovery room and the anesthesiologist asked what was wrong. I told her, but then stated, "but my nurse said that it wasn't really that painful and everything is fine." She raised her eyebrow and retorted, "It's YOUR hand! How does she know?" and then checked it. Turns out the tip of the IV was at the bifurcation point of the vein and that was causing the pain and swelling, and could cause a blowout if left there (I'd already had several veins blow). She moved the IV (and you know it's bad if I request the IV to be moved...I am a hard stick and HATE having IVs started) and the pain was eased immediately. My hand still hurts, but it was nice to not have that pain on top of the others!
4. You can be extremely busy but still make your patients feel like they are important. Most of my nurses gave me the impression that they were very harried and had many things to do and people to care for in addition to me. One of them made me feel like it was fine to push the "call" button even for simple things. I can't really pinpoint what the others did or said that made me feel they were so busy (they certainly did not verbally tell me they were busy or had a lot to do), but I am certain the one had the same workload as the others, yet she still made me feel that my needs were legitimate and important.
5. Even if you can't make someone feel better right then, it helps them to know that you take their pain seriously. Pain is not normal or a state that we should accept as ongoing and inevitable, but it's easy to do when it's been a while since you've felt good!
6. Patients like to know what is going on! I was in the hospital for 3 days and on the third, we were waiting for discharge or the order to come through that I could try eating (I was on a liquid diet). When my day nurse came on, she didn't know the status of either request but did her best to find out. We spent the whole day waiting for an update (she finally got approval for me to eat, but had to wait a bit longer to figure out what was happening with my discharge). It would have been nice to know that what we were waiting for was liver enzyme results to make sure it was safe for me to go home!
I'm sure there are more...for those of you in patient care/customer service (or those who have been a patient) what are some other seemingly small things that can make a big difference in your care experience?

Learning to let others help

I am most comfortable when I can be doing for others. Preferably in the background. For some reason, it is VERY uncomfortable for me to accept gifts from other people, and it is especially uncomfortable for me to allow other people to serve/help me. I don't know if this is pride on my part, or some deep set feeling that I don't deserve the help of others, or just my personality, or something else. Anyway, it has been true for all of my adult life.
The last few days, I have been forced to allow others to help...and a lot of it! Why? Well, first of all because I have felt completely awful. Dizzy, nauseated, in pain that has not been controlled by the narcoctics I am on, etc. That part is getting slowly better each day, thankfully! Secondly, because I have lifting restrictions. I'm only allowed to lift 5 pounds for the first 2 weeks after this surgery! If I lift more than that, I'm risking development of major scar tissue that could cause huge problems and require mondo surgeries in the future. I have to tell you guys, EVERYTHING weighs more than 5 pounds. My baby weighs quite a bit more than 5 pounds. I am allowed to lift him if I am sitting down (as in, someone could put him next to me on the couch and I could move him around and adjust him from there) but I am not allowed to carry him, lift him while I am standing, etc. I am also not supposed to bend over, twist, or really use my abs much at all if I can help it (try not using your abs for a day...or an hour...there's a reason they are called your core muscles!! It takes me about 10 minutes to get out of bed...it's hilarious and sad at the same time.). All of this means that I really can't be left alone with Ben. We need a babysitter for Josh to go to the store. Probably after 2 weeks, my restrictions will be lessened (increased?) to 10-15 pounds, which is still not much!
Thankfully, our church and my family have been great about providing food and bodies to help. My little sisters get to pay back some of the free babysitting I did for them when they were small children, and hold the baby/help me get him positioned to eat...even change his diaper...while Josh does errands or chores. We have had friends from church come over to help with Ben so Josh could go to a men's event at the church. It is amazing that people we haven't known that long have reached out to help us so much! We are so thankful.
Ben has adjusted really well to having a variety of caretakers and is doing better about accepting alternate forms of soothing as needed.
Anyway, I am slowly doing better. I look terrible though! I'm covered in bruises...I have circular bruises around my neck from the second procedure (apparently it involves being strapped into some kind of device and inverted...fortunately I was asleep for that part), mondo bruises on my arms from IV sticks (they blew out 3 veins during my 3 day stay and had another needle positioned just at the point where the vein branched, which was super painful, and my first nurse didn't believe me and so wouldn't pull it...the anesthesiologist had to pull it the next day), and of course my stomach looks like I lost a battle with a knife-wielding boxer! But I am healing, and thankfully I have another 2.5 weeks before I have to go back to work (theoretically I'm supposed to feel almost normal again in 2 weeks and be fully healed in 4-6) so the timing worked out quite well!
We appreciate all the prayers and well wishes and support...it means so much!

 Because I haven't subjected you to pictures of my adorable progeny in a while...

 
I think this might be the most impressive IV bruise I've ever had...it was prettier yesterday (this one is 3 days old) but I wasn't feeling good enough to take a picture. Trust me, it was impressive!

And my poor hand...one of those holes is from the IV that was at the bifurcation point of the vein. Super painful! Unfortunately, yes, this is my right hand! I have a total of 9 IV sticks from the 3 day period...yowza!

I was trying to get him smiling but the stupid camera was too slow! So you see his "post smile" face...one of these days I'll catch him!

Murphy's Gallbladder

Well, I must say, I was not expecting to be typing another blog post from a hospital bed quite this soon! Yet, here we are...this account is for those of you who are morbidly curious (or, like me, very interested in the human body) and want the long version of the story. :-)
The problem started on Saturday, August 4th, at about 9 AM. Josh was making breakfast and I was giving Ben his breakfast when all of a sudden I got a cramping sensation in my abdomen. "How weird," I thought, and put Ben on his fleece while I went to the bathroom to see if that helped. Nope. I came back just as Josh said, "Breakfast is ready!" I had zero desire to eat! I had literally gone from feeling completely fine to feeling like I was in the transition phase of labor in less than 5 minutes. I let Josh know I wasn't feeling well and went to lie down in bed to see if that helped. Nope, that made things WAY worse! I was moaning and unable to keep myself from crying and making noise. Josh came in and suggested going to the hospital. I said, "For what?" and he said, "Ummm, sudden sharp abdominal pain!!"
After about 2 more minutes, that sounded like a really good idea, as the pain was not letting up at all. I let Josh know, and he started getting ready to go. Then I got hit with another wave of worsening pain that dropped me to all fours...I was unable to get up. Josh had to put Ben in the car, then pick me up and drag me to the car. We drove to the emergency room at Women's and Children's hospital and they took me right back (I guess I must have looked pretty bad). We waited for what felt like a really long time as I used labor  breathing techniques, position changes, whatever I could think of, to try to manage the pain. Finally, the doctor came in and I tried to provide coherent answers to his questions. He had me lie down and poked around. Almost immediately, he found a place in my right upper quadrant that worsened the pain even more (which I would have sworn was impossible). "Oh," he said, "I think it's your gallbladder."
I started drinking contrast dye for a CT scan, but the doctor changed his mind and decided to do an ultrasound instead. The ultrasound confirmed the initial diagnosis, and I was given pain medication. I ended up having a laparoscopic choecystectomy (they chopped my gallbladder up into tiny pieces and pulled it out through holes in my abdomen) that evening around 6. The explanation I was given was that the hormonal fluctuations during pregnancy can cause the gallbladder to change the amount of cholesterol that it secretes, which can cause gallstones. The gallstones can then plug ducts and cause irritation leading to infection. I had an infection when I came in, as well as several blockages. The doctor who did the surgery let me know that the removal should take care of the problem, but in 1-2% of people, a stone has made its way into the common bile duct and will need to be removed.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am the 1-2%. Unfortunately, that meant I had to have another procedure the next day (I went under anesthesia 2 days in a row...yuck). Because it was the weekend, we had to wait quite a while for an operating room to come available, and there were some equipment mixups that made the wait even longer. I went over 48 hours without eating or drinking. They did give me IV fluid, but somehow I was still extremely dehydrated (went 18 hours without urinating, and then when I did manage to, it was almost red...never a good sign!). Thankfully, it looks like we are going to be okay now, and I just got the news that I can go home this evening. We are just supposed to watch for signs of infection or pancreatitis. The good news is that I feel much better now than I felt all day yesterday (Sunday) because I am now rehydrated. Also, part of the reason I was feeling sick on Sunday was because my bile duct was blocked and so some of my liver enzymes and biliruben were getting out of balance. I felt better from that stuff almost as soon as I woke up from the second procedure. Now, I am just experiencing postoperative pain, which is to be expected.
The hardest thing through all of this was not being able to feed Ben for a long time. On Saturday, he was so sad....he was crying, and asking to nurse, and I could tell when he looked at me that he didn't understand why I was denying him what he needed to feel better. Thankfully, I had started a freezer stash for when I return to work, so we did have breastmilk to give him, but he nurses for comfort just as much as for food sometimes. I wasn't able to nurse him for about 30 hours total. Thankfully, I was able to pump during this time. I was really worried about my milk drying up as a combination of not nursing, not eating, and being dehydrated, but thankfully it looks like it is okay. Production has dropped a little, but overall I think I still have enough and should be able to get it back up to where it was quickly.
Anyway, sorry if this is a little disjointed-I'm still on painkillers and still in pain, but wanted to give you guys an update. We appreciate the concern and well wishes! I am thankful that this happened while I was on maternity leave anyway, and I don't think it will change my timelines for going back to work, though I am going to have to rest more the next few weeks than I was originally planning for. I think it will all work out, though!
It definitely seems like recovery from this pregnancy has been much more eventful than I would have hoped! I had never heard of this being a postpartum complication, but apparently it is something that happens. I don't think it is super common, but it is also not unheard of. Continued prayers are appreciated, especially since Josh will have to help a lot more with Ben (especially at night) than he has been so far as I am still having trouble moving around and can't really lift him. I can only feed him if someone helps me get positioned! The good news is, this particular complication can't happen again next time since I no longer have a gallbladder!

Remembering the "Buts"

I don't know why it is that motherhood has caused me to think of this...it's certainly not something that applies ONLY to motherhood, and it is also a concept that I think all of us have at least heard of before, but not one to which I had given more than a passing thought. Maybe I'm thinking of it now because I am realizing in an undeniable, sharp way how short "life" is...my child is developing normally so far, and passing through stages almost as quickly as I can take each one in! Anyway, I have been thinking about how we can choose what we are dwelling on/how we think about and view our lives. There are always the BUTs...
I don't sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time (sometimes much less) and probably not much more than 4-6 hours a night...BUT...I am able to rest my body during the day, I can take naps, and I can stay in bed as long as my baby will let me right now.
My baby does not like to be put down (I know this is a stage he will grow out of, and probably very soon!)...BUT...I get to snuggle him, smell him and kiss him as he sleeps peacefully on my chest, and he is so happy to be with me (none of these will last either! And don't worry...he practices sleeping by himself at least once a day).
My body still hurts (we have come to the conclusion after conversations with our midwife/doula and my doctor that I almost certainly have multiple torn ligaments and muscles in my pelvis as well as the actual external tearing, due to the speed of labor and delivery. All appears to be healing well, it's just slowing down the timeline for me to feel better and for my body to bounce back)...BUT...we are both safe, and whole, with no major birth or postpartum complications, and next time should be much kinder to my body even if the labor is the same.
Nursing is still pretty painful sometimes...BUT...it is much better than it was, and my baby is getting such adorable rolls and dimples!
It is really hard when Ben is crying or fussing and I can't figure out why...BUT...most of the time he is pretty happy, and we are learning to figure out what is wrong.
 Ben is pretty clingy right now...he really wants his mommy a LOT (I think because I'm the one who nurses him)...BUT...this is also a stage that will pass, probably soon, and he won't always want me to touch him, let alone give lots of kisses on his chubby cheeks. And despite some times when I thought my maternity leave would be 2-6 weeks at most, I was granted almost a full FMLA maternity leave (despite not qualifying for it yet due to having only been at this job for 6 months), so I have been able to spend the last 7 weeks focused on him, and I have 4 more to do the same.
I do have to go back to work full time, at least for now...BUT....we are blessed to be able to live off of just my income, so Ben will have a parent home with him, and his grandma (who is pretty crazy about him) to help care for him when dad isn't available.
Anyway, as I said, none of this is new. It's not a new concept, or a new way of looking at things...it's the tried and true "glass is half full instead of half empty" outlook. But for some reason, I have been thinking about it quite a bit lately. What about you? What things can you look at in either light, and what helps you to focus on the "buts"?
On an unrelated note...if anyone has tips for managing postpartum skin changes (extreme dryness of the face, hands, and feet), please share!!!
Sorry there are no pictures...BUT...I am currently being pinned down by a happily snuggling baby. ;-) Rest assured, he is as cute as ever!

Oh my goodness...

My baby is getting so big!! What happened to my eensy weensy newborn?? Wow, what a difference a few weeks makes! I think he was about 2 weeks old in the first picture, and he is 6 weeks old today.

Redefining Normal

I think there has been a part of me that has wondered when we will go back to normal after Ben's arrival. Not that I have minded the time of rest (even forced rest...though, if I am honest, I am thoroughly ready to be in less pain and more active now!), and heaven knows I have loved getting to know/cuddling my son! But I had a thought today and would love feedback on it...
I don't think there is a "going back to normal" after a big life change. I'm not sure why I had that thought after having a baby. I certainly didn't have a thought of "I wonder when life will go back to normal" after Josh and I got married! I think instead, we get new normals. So right now, my "normal life" is nursing, and getting dressed, and nursing, and cuddling, and nursing, and soothing to sleep, and eating breakfast, and changing diapers, and nursing, and TRYING to drink enough water (any tips on this much appreciated!) and nursing some more...etc. Can you tell my baby likes to eat a lot?? Right now, nursing seems to be a full time job. It is kind of sad, but I felt very accomplished when I managed to do 2 loads of laundry (one a diaper load) and sweep the floor the other day (in addition to the taking care of the baby). Hopefully this is normal with a newborn...for sure it is normal with my newborn! He is very pleasant...but does not like to be put down. He rarely fusses...but he is not really able to fall asleep (or stay asleep long) on his own. He does like being held, snuggled, worn, and...did I mention nursing? :-)
I know this is a stage, and a new one will probably start soon (I imagine at some point we will add "interacting" or maybe even "playing" into the routine!). In a few weeks my "new normal life" will including going to work...which I am anticipating to be a huge transition (and yes, I'm dreading it for multiple reasons! But I keep reminding myself that many women work and mother, and their kids don't turn into serial killers or feel neglected. My kid is doubly lucky in that he will have family....my mom and his dad...taking care of him instead of a daycare.).
Anyway, I am wondering if looking forward and embracing "where we are" right now as what is normal and the way our life is at the moment is better and more productive than looking back and either longing for our old "normal life" (Josh and I will get to cuddle again one day, and even have coherent conversations...I WILL have the brain power for it again!) or living in guilt of remembering our old normal life (no, I'm not working a 9-12 hour day at a traditional job followed by cooking followed by school...I was nuts to ever do that by the way...but what I am doing now is just as valuable) and comparing ourselves, leading to self condemnation.
So, for now, I am going to enjoy my "new normal"...quick, before it changes again!

 Daddy and baby in the moby...awwww

 I really like these little bear jammies...

Yep, I spend lots of time doing this...while intermittently kissing those precious little tubby cheeks...which are quickly developing into jowls! :-)

New Mommy Thoughts

Today is Ben's one-month birthday! Holy cow...I literally cannot believe I've had this precious little snuggler for a whole month. On the other hand, it feels very right to have him here. Weird, I know! I thought that the first month would go by slowly-especially when my doctor put me on bedrest for most of the first 3.5 weeks that he was here due to some postpartum complications! But no...it's amazing how full your life can be just from taking care of a little guy. I know I've said this before, but I am SO thankful for maternity leave (especially the extended one my boss gave me!). I know it will be a huge challenge to transition back to my role of primary breadwinner while learning how to continue my nurturing/mommy role and also be a good wife. It's nice to be able to put off that transition for a few months and truly have time to recover from pregnancy/birth as well as spend time cuddling.
Since I did several posts about things that surprised me about pregnancy, I thought I'd do one today about things that have surprised me about being a mother (so far). At first, I wondered if I needed to apologize that "baby" has taken over my blog and facebook...then I realized, they are MY blog and facebook, and baby is what is going on in my life right now. The reason I have the blog especially is to keep people who want to know updated on our lives. Also, everyone has the freedom to read or not read, to look or not look...so I'm just going to continue to reflect on baby as much as I like, and without apology! :-)
Okay, things that have surprised me so far:
1. Cloth diapering is a LOT easier than I thought it was. I think I was overly pessimistic about how hard it would be. It's really not that bad! I think part of that is that we have come a LONG way from the cloth diapers my grandmother used!! (she was telling me about them the other day...and I am so thankful to have the "new and improved" version instead! She was surprised by how straightforward they are, and different from the ones she had) It does add another step in that you have to wash them, but at least for this baby, I actually think cleaning him up after he goes to the bathroom is easier/works better with CDs than disposables since they are more absorbent.
2. Nursing is at once more challenging and more rewarding than I was expecting. I thought it would be easy, because I have known so many people who have done it, seemingly (from my perspective) without challenges or problems. Maybe this is just because I was looking at it from the outside and didn't really know to ask! The first few weeks were really hard...bleeding, labor breathing techniques, even crying while he was eating (what except a mother's love would prompt one to repeatedly volunteer for something so painful?!). I'm glad he wasn't old enough at that point to focus on my face and realize I wasn't happy! Now, it has gotten much better-not 100% pain free, ,but very tolerable (and no more bleeding!). And I love knowing that I am giving him something that is so good for him. It's fun to watch him gain weight and know that it's partly because he's eating good food. :-) And he makes the sweetest satisfied sounds while he eats. I really enjoy looking into his eyes (I know he's "too young" but I swear he sometimes smiles at me when we nurse, and only then!) and stroking his hair while he eats. Now, if I could just figure out why he sometimes spits up the entire feeding....
3. Getting up in the middle of the night is hard, but not as hard as I was afraid it would be. Part of this, I think, is that I am not working right now, so I can (and do) take naps with him during the day if needed. That will change when I go back to work, I'm sure. I don't necessarily love the fact that it's been FOREVER since I've slept more than 3-4 hours at a stretch (really not since the middle of my second trimester, I think!), but I do enjoy the quiet time with just the two of us while he eats. It's also nice prayer time. Note that I will not complain if he sleeps longer though!!!
4. I was absolutely shocked by how challenging postpartum recovery has been. I'm actually still struggling with a lot of pain, low energy, and inability to be very physically active-which is very weird for me. I haven't sat this much in...well, probably ever. While it does allow me to cuddle guilt free, it has been frustrating as well. For some reason, I was thinking I'd be back to normal in a week or two at most...instead here we are 4.5 weeks out from delivery and I don't feel even close! I'm not sure if I'm being a wimp, or what.
5. Wow this kid makes a lot of laundry! My definition of gross has changed ("Oh, it's just a little urine on my shorts...you can't even see it!") but still, between my clothes, his clothes, Josh's clothes, sheets, blankets...
Well, there are probably others, but they'll have to wait for another post...Ben is waking up and fussing, so it's time to do the diaper change/feed/snuggle thing again. :-) Hope all is well with everyone, and thanks for sharing this journey with us!

 Newborn baby Ben...
And a photo taken last night! Holy cow, he's grown so much! And he's definitely his daddy's son...90th percentile for height (22 inches last week at his checkup) and 25th for weight-though I think he's put on a few ounces since then. :-)

Cherish the Moment...

Because of Ben's precipitous birth, I've had a few postpartum complications. Apparently, although my tear was only second degree, it was very deep (degree only tells you length, not depth, and apparently I tore most of the way through my pelvic floor, requiring several layers of stitches)...which makes the long repair (over an hour) make much more sense! I've had quite a bit of ongoing pain (the doctor wanted to give me Percocet...I declined because I didn't want to be groggy, but I'm on high doses of Motrin) from that. A few days after we came home, I started bleeding more and also passing large clots. The doctor put me on modified bedrest-I'm allowed to sit up to feed the baby, stand up to go to the bathroom and shower, and other than that, I'm supposed to be reclined or lying down. I will admit that I "cheat" occasionally to change the baby's diaper or refill my water bottle as well. :-)
In some ways, complying with these restrictions is relatively easy-I am tired and standing or sitting are still quite painful. In other ways...well, let's just say I haven't been this physically inactive since I was a teen (I had just had surgery). I don't have a specific "end time" for this restriction-basically, when I can be up more without having sharp increases in pain and/or bleeding, I can slowly work my way back into activity. We're hoping just another week or so. Overall, though, I think this is a good thing. This has forced me to slow down. I could easily see myself pushing it physically...our messy house is driving me crazy, and there are lots of things that "need" to be done...I could see myself using this maternity leave time to get projects done, clean the house, be out and about, etc. And honestly, I desperately need/needed rest on a spiritual, physical, and emotional level!
Instead, I am "forced" to spend hours snuggling with my son. I love it. I love stroking his indescribably soft hair. I think I could look at his face forever. I love smiling down into his upturned smoky blue eyes while he nurses. I love softly stroking the dark hair on his shoulders and back (yeah, I birthed a Neanderthal) while whispering, "I love you." I love the way he snuggles against me and sighs contentedly after he has eaten and burped. Kissing his sweet cheeks, burying my nose in his hair, holding his hand...I think Josh thinks I am nuts. His comment the other day was, "I don't know if I would be that into someone who has pretty much just caused me pain and discomfort!" I don't know how to explain it, but I am!
Sometimes tears fill my eyes as I look at my precious baby and realize how quickly time is flying. How has he been here 2 weeks already??? And I know I will blink and it will be time to go back to work. That will be so hard for my heart...at least I now have a job with normal working hours. There is a part of me that dearly wishes we could freeze here for a while, that we could stay here, where my full time job is to love my baby and my husband, and there isn't much I can do to mess Ben up. His needs are pretty much purely physical right now-the hard part, I know, comes later. Perspective is a funny thing...a friend of mine answered the question of "What would you do if you had unlimited funds?" with "Hire a nanny!"...my answer to that question would be, "Stay home with my child(ren)!" I don't know if this is a "grass is greener" issue, my heart being rebellious against what I have to do to support my husband as the Lord commands, or hormonal. Or all of the above! Either way, I could use prayer here, clearly!
However, it is not for us to freeze time. Nor should we seek to do so...each season will have blessings and joy...how fun it will be when he smiles back at me, moves purposefully, whispers "I love you" back! Oh, and less pain will be nice too! I hope I will learn to be a better and better parent as he grows older and needs more than just physical parenting. For now, I will try to consciously choose to treasure each moment of the remaining 9 weeks of my maternity leave instead of mourning the separation to come!
Oh, and to be clear, I know SAHMs work hard and the rest thing is temporary either way!!