Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

This week was/is my first week back to work. To say I was apprehensive leading up to it is an understatement! I couldn't imagine being away from the little boy who has literally been touching me almost 24 hours a day for 9 hours or more! I wouldn't even call my feelings mixed. I was just downright dreading it, and hoping by some miracle it wouldn't come so soon.
Well, the good news is, it did not live up to my expectations! It has been very hard (the hardest thing is leaving in the morning, especially if Ben has fallen back asleep after his breakfast and is clinging onto me) but not the pure torture that I was imagining.
Things I am thankful for:
Josh brings Ben to me at lunch. This helps break the day up so it doesn't seem like I've abandoned him for quite so long, and it means he only has to take 2 bottles per day. Which is good, because he seems like he may be reverse cycling (apparently this is a normal behavior for breastfed babies where they will eat just what they need to survive during the time they are apart from the absent mother and then make up for it at night and in the evening)...he will only eat 1-2 oz total for Josh between 7 and 12, when he comes to see me, and same in the afternoon (about 12:30 to 5:30). That's not nearly enough and I am pretty positive it's way less than he normally eats, since I can pump 6-8 ounces out (and all the literature says the baby gets more milk out of you than the pump does!). And he has been wanting to eat much more than normal in the evenings and all night long.
I can only say that God must be giving me strength and energy. Because I'm pretty sure I'm sleeping less than 6 hours total per night (and those are very broken up into snatches...some nights it's been 45 minute snatches and some nights 2 or 3 hours for at least one of the snatches) and I haven't been in an accident or had a severe headache or fallen asleep at work in front of a patient!
Work is starting back at a relatively slow pace. This is because I'm opening a satellite location and we are still working on building up the clientele base. I imagine it will get super insane really quickly, but at the moment it's slow. This allows me to get administrative, marketing, and setup work done without working overtime, and it also helps me physically. To say I am not fully healed is an understatement. I am in ever increasing amounts of pain each day, from multiple places!
This weekend is a 3 day weekend. Again with the slow, easing in and allowing for recovery time.
My boss is very understanding of my needs to pump, bring the baby in at lunch, etc. It's great to have such a supportive environment.
Josh is doing such a great job of taking care of Ben...even though I know some days it is exhausting as Ben has had several days where he just wants to nurse. So he screams all morning until he comes for lunch, then crashes and sleeps most of the afternoon (that part is okay!). I'm sure that is NOT fun for Josh.
Ben seems to still like me...he smiles and "talks" to me when he does see me. I know it probably wasn't reasonable, but I was really afraid he would feel abandoned (I feel like I'm abandoning him!) and not want anything to do with me. Especially since I know he's not old enough to have object permanence yet (I know, I'm a geek...that means he doesn't understand that things still exist even if he doesn't see them).
I know a lot of you guys have been sending prayers and well wishes our way. We REALLY appreciate this...it's a tough transition for all of us, and the support is both necessary and felt.
I'm trying to stay as positive as I can about all of this. I hope that each day and week gets slowly easier and we settle into this new normal...even as I can't shake the nagging feeling that there's not much about this that I should consider normal and okay! (again, not reasonable...probably new mommy hormones talking) I've been amazed at how supportive various people are here as well....though I've actually had way more support from work friends and acquaintances than church friends and acquaintances. It seems like this transition is hard for everyone, and it's nice that people are understanding of me having a tough time!