Sleep...

Sleep is a funny thing. Or maybe my relationship with it right now is funny. Or maybe both. Or, possibly, neither is funny, but I am so sleep deprived that I think everything is funny! Ahem...
So, I used to be the person who "needed" 8-9 hours of sleep to function well. I could "survive" on 5-6 for a few days, but then "had" to go back to at least 8-9 or I would start feeling sick. I never pulled all-nighters in college. I did a few semi all nighters in PT school (study till midnight, take a nap, get up again at 4 AM to study more...thank goodness for an awesome study partner!) but did NOT like it and didn't feel that great afterward.
Then, along came a baby! The sleep deprivation started long before Ben was born. In the first trimester, I had to go to the bathroom at LEAST 3 times per night. Plus, I often felt too nauseated to rest well. Second trimester was better-only woke up about once a night on average there. And then, oh, then...the dreaded third trimester! Yeahhh...between being unable to be comfortable, my beached-whaleness making any movement a huge effort, and a nearly full grown baby happily pushing on my trampoline...errr, bladder...there wasn't much sleep then.
And then the birth! Even though my actual labor was short, because of all the decels and issues prior to labor, I did not sleep at all the night before he was born. I didn't sleep much the night after, either. But there must have been some GOOOOD hormones flowing, because I wasn't really all that tired at the time.
Ben actually slept really well when he was first born, and because I was on maternity leave, I could just rest when he did and we could make our "schedules" by what his and my body requested. It was pretty great. I honestly felt WAY less tired during the newborn time than during the third trimester.
But now, the real world has returned and I have had to introduce Ben to 3 concepts that he does NOT like:
1. Schedules. Specifically, a morning schedule. I think my baby might be a night owl. Trust me, I try hard to put him to bed early, but it almost never works. He just isn't sleepy until 9 or so at night most nights. This would be fine, except that he needs to eat his breakfast around 6:45 in order to allow me to feed him, feed me, put on clothes, get the milk pumping supplies together, and get out the door (hopefully also brush my hair and teeth!). He does NOT like being woken up this early...if I leave him alone (on a morning when I don't have to work) he will sleep until somewhere between 8 and 10 AM, so 6:30 wakeup calls are not welcomed at all! I think they make him grumpier throughout the day (even though he almost always goes back to sleep after eating). This leads me to question: which is more important? Letting his body rest on its own schedule, or him eating breakfast directly from me instead of from a bottle? I really want him to have as few bottles as possible, but it is sad to see him so grumpy when he wakes up! :-(
2. Mommy being gone all day. Apparently he has several meltdowns per day. I'm pretty sure nursing would fix most of those, but the bottle is a poor substitute. What makes me feel even worse is that I know he doesn't have object permanence yet, so he doesn't understand that I still exist, let alone that I am coming back. He thinks he has been abandoned. When I do come back, he gulps hungrily and needs to nurse for a while, but keeps pulling off to give me these delighted milky smiles (which makes a big mess everywhere!). I think they are adorable, but it's almost like he is just SO excited to see me because he thought I was gone forever! Ouch.
3. No "on demand" nursing during the day. He will eat from a bottle, but it is clearly not his preference. I don't want it to be his preference, but it's hard for him...he's used to just being offered "the source" whenever he requests it. That's still how it works anytime I am home, but I'm sure it's hard for him to understand why he is being offered a substitute. He seems to be reverse cycling (eating the bare minimum from the bottle, then making up for it by eating a lot in the evening and waking up more often at night to feed as well).
Anyway, I feel super bad for him...and the fatigue is slowly catching up with me as well. I have to get up at 6:30, I can't nap during the day, and we're eating probably every 1.5 hours or so at night. Whew! This too shall pass, but holy cow...working with an infant is WAY different than maternity leave with an infant in so many ways. Hopefully I will get used to this new level of fatigue soon. Until then, my excuse for crazy or absentminded behavior is, "Oh...oops. Haha, I guess I'm just as tired as I thought I was!"
This morning's schedule actually worked perfectly (for Ben)....maybe it can become a habit! He started groaning and crying around 6:15, so I let him wake up (when he's in that state I can let him wake up OR put him back to bed). For some crazy reason his diaper was dry (???? I put that diaper on him around 8:30 the night before) so I took him potty, where he peed and pooped like a champ (I need to learn how to "aim" him for the pee...wowza). Then we nursed and he went back to sleep by 7. There was very little fussing and complaining. Hopefully he's happier for Daddy this morning...we'll find out!
Anyway, I am not complaining. He is so worth it! But this is my advance notice/apology...if I act weird, let me know so I can apologize at the time too! But it's most likely the sleep deprived brain talking/acting. :P All that being said, I am frequently surprised by how functional I feel on such little sleep. Not sure if it's new mama hormones, grace, or just that I don't actually "need" as much sleep as I previously thought...either way, I'll take it! And those of you who are looking forward to new little ones...definitely do rest when you can, but know that you will be able to do it, and it is absolutely worth it!