Hadassah Grace-the third month

Well, my sweet little daughter is 3 months old, 15 lbs 5 oz (checked her on Monday because we need to monitor her weight since we are having a hard time getting her to drink milk while Mommy is gone at work), and such a sweet smiley bundle of preciousness. Yeah, parenthood is pretty amazing the second time around too. Here is what has been going on in our family this month....
I went back to work 2 weeks ago, and it has been a very difficult and challenging transition for all of us. Hadassah is much more vocal than Ben, gets angry much more quickly, and is just kind of an "all or nothing" type girl...so where Ben waited until he was 5 months old to decide bottles were overrated, she pitched a fit right away, and continues to do so each time a caregiver tries to feed her when I am gone. Prayers on this count would be much appreciated-I so hate to think of her being sad and hungry, she is awfully young to go for 2 5-6 hour stretches per day without eating or drinking, and I am sure it is wearing on Josh to have her spend as much time crying as she does. We are trying everything we can think of-cup feeding, spoon feeding, syringe feeding, various bottles/nipples, etc. and have had only limited success so far. A dear friend got her to eat 1.5 oz today from one of our new bottles (which is by FAR the most she has accepted not from me) so maybe we can still convince her to at least have something!!
Josh is so close to being done with school we can taste it...and yet the insanity of his final semester means he is literally always doing school and still not totally caught up (at least, he doesn't feel he is). We are just trying to survive and hang in there as a family until he is done...he and I haven't had a decent conversation in the last 2 weeks, we aren't often both home at the same time, and we are both so intensely exhausted (him because he regularly stays up far past midnight to complete work, me because of Hadassah reverse cycling and foot pain that is bad enough to prevent sleep many nights). We are so incredibly thankful for friends who have stepped in and offered to help us with childcare, meals, etc.-we would be drowning without this help, I am sure!
 Just quickly, since I know some people will be curious...my foot started acting up when I was pregnant and has gotten markedly worse over the weeks since Hadassah was born (I am sure that spending much of my 17 hour labor standing and squatting while barefoot did not do me any favors-not the smartest move I have ever made in my life, but I was not thinking about my feet at the time). It has not been this bad since I was a teenager. It's the one that I have had 5 surgeries on (3 on the other). An MRI has shown there is an exostosis (new bone growth) underneath my fibula (basically just below my ankle) which is causing some tendons to be compressed/pinched and now I have something called tenosynovitis (means inflammation of the tendon and tendon sheath surrounding the tendon). I almost certainly need surgery to prevent worsening of the growth and potentially eventual tendon rupture, but we really can't afford (physically or monetarily) for me to be off work and off my feet right now, so we are trying an injection on Friday to see if we can buy some time. Meantime, I wear a brace at work and am supposed to be nonweightbearing at home. I do my best, but with 2 under 2...it's not the easiest. If you come to my house, be warned...it looks like a toddler lives in it with a Daddy who is too busy and stressed to clean and a Mommy who is too exhausted/lazy and is usually not able to manage standing for more than a few minutes at a time by the end of the day.
Okay, on to fun stuff!
Hadassah can roll from her back to her tummy. She doesn't do it regularly yet, but I have seen her do it enough times to be pretty sure it isn't an accident when it happens.
She has the most gorgeous, sweet smile that transforms her face from adorably chubby to simply angelic. How hard you have to work to get her to smile is a pretty good indication of how close your relationship is with her. She smiles pretty readily at me and at Daddy, extended family and friends have to work at it a little harder, and there is exactly 1 person in the world that she smiles at without him smiling first...big brother Ben. Thankfully, those 2 adore each other. He often asks to hold her, he loves to kiss her and hug her (and "hold" her), and he loves to rub her back or pat her sweetly while they both nurse. I so hope they keep on loving each other as they get older! (anyone have suggestions on fostering a sweet loving relationship between siblings? I'm all ears!)
Her head control is greatly improved, though she is still fairly wobbly.
She likes nursing quite a bit, but is not quite as in love with it as Ben was. She doesn't always comfort nurse to the same degree that he did, and there are times when she actually prefers another means of comfort over nursing.
She LOVES being worn, especially in "her" wrap (we were borrowing it from a friend, and she fell so madly in love with it that I ended up buying it from my friend).
She loves being rocked, which makes me very happy. Ben never liked rocking, so now the glider is actually getting some use! And with the foot pain, it is SO nice that she actually prefers rocking over walking/bouncing most of the time!
We have done a little bit of EC with her, but I think we are going to wait to really start that until Josh is done with school. She is just with too many different caregivers and so often out of the house.
She has gotten a bit better about wet diapers-she still doesn't like them, but she usually only makes me change her 1-2 times per night, which is much nicer than 6 or more!
She loves to "talk"-she will coo and bob her head and make such sweet faces.
Just think, by this time next month, Josh will be within days of graduating! That will be awesome, and maybe bring some big changes for our family. We'll see. Until then, if you don't see or hear from us or I forget to respond to you, I am very sorry...feel free to pester me at will. As I said, in some ways we are just trying to survive the next few weeks.

Deep Breath Before the Plunge

Today my husband suggested taking Ben to the playground, so we got dressed, packed the diaper bag, and put on shoes to his delighted chants of "outside, outside!"
...which quickly turned to screams of anger, frustration, and heartbroken sobs as he was strapped into his car seat. The heartbreak continued all the way to the park-I tried to explain that we understood what he wanted (to a tearful "yeah, okay!") and that we were going to play at the playground and were almost there-at which point he would dissolve all over again. He was positive in that moment that we were denying his heart's true desire, even though we obviously knew what it was, and his little heart didn't understand why we didn't love him anymore.
Thankfully, we soon arrived at the park and joy came, as fully and completely felt as the agony from only moments before. He is now happily running, sliding, and climbing (Hadassah and I are nursing in the car because it us too cold to fumble with layers right now-and too windy). I am so glad, because even though I knew he would be happier and have more fun at the park than just in our back or even front yard, it was hard and sad to listen to him being so sad on the way.
And then it hit me...I have so much more toddler in me than I would like to admit. The heartache, anger, betrayal? Yeah, I feel those in reference to losing my dream of being a full time stay at home mom. Now, I honestly don't know if this is just how it is or if my heavenly parent has a better destination in mind that will fulfill my deepest desires even better than what I think I want. After all, Ben has these same reactions when we say no, as we sometimes must. But we don't love Ben less in those moments. Can I trust that He doesn't either? This is hard on so many levels (not the least of which is perceived judgment over my dedication to motherhood from strangers and acquaintances alike). And how do I walk through this, allowing the grief but not being swallowed by it, and choosing each day to make the most of the time I am given with my sweet babies?
I really hope we are headed to the "park"...

The last week...

I am down to one week of maternity leave. I don't really have words to describe how the quick passage of time has been for me during leave. It's almost as if I am being dragged toward a precipice and no matter what I do, I WILL be thrown off the edge at a predetermined time-I still am kicking and dragging my feet and trying to make it go slower, but it doesn't matter, I'm going off no matter what.
I would like to just list a few things I have LOVED and have been so thankful for during maternity leave-aka, my stint of pretending to be a SAHM. I didn't know to appreciate these things with Ben because I didn't know what to compare them to. Now I know what I am in for and know to love these things for the sweet moments they have been. Oh, and for the record-at least for me, going back the second time is far, far worse than the first. Not only am I leaving TWO kids instead of one, I know with painful certainty how quickly time will fly and just how much I will miss.
1. I have so deeply enjoyed getting to know my son more deeply and teach him. He's at such a fun age where language is really starting to develop and it is SO fun to help him with that. The "fun" flip side is that there is also a lot of frustration and tantruming-but that is part of it, and I am learning with him how to deal with those. I am going to miss being able to help guide him on a daily basis.
2. It is nice to not RUSH all the time. Not that I'm not busy-I am amazed by how full my days are with the everyday (and how I LOVE even the mundaneness of everyday home life with my babies). But I have enjoyed not being jarred awake by the alarm, then stressing/rushing to get baby fed/changed and myself read (and maybe fed), out the door (do I have all the things I need? Especially pump parts), then rushing during my work day-stressing over which patient will be late at just the wrong time to make it impossible or difficult for me to pump, will I be able to do my paperwork fast enough to leave somewhat close to when I am supposed to be done, will an emergency come up that forces me to stay late, are my babies okay??? It is nice to BE and just take the day as it comes-with my kids.
3. I really love being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower by myself without crushing guilt. Now don't get me wrong-I can count the number of times I have showered alone these last 12 weeks on 1 hand (I am pretty sure 2 fingers, mayyyybe 3) and I don't often go to the bathroom alone either, but when I do, I don't feel horribly guilty the way I did when I was working (how dare I take away one more minute when I am already missing so much with them). When I am working, I feel the need to be 100% actively engaged with family every minute I am home, and when that just isn't possible, I struggle with immense guilt. It goes beyond not taking time for myself, as in crafts/hobbies, down time, etc.-I don't expect to have that in this stage of life, and I am okay with it. We're talking intense guilt over taking a 10 minute shower. Not fun.
4. I love that I have the weight of one or both of the kids in my arms nearly all the time. Hadassah has really been held for most of her life (mostly by me) and Ben also gets his fair share of snuggle time. I have so enjoyed holding them both, having quiet moments when one or both are drifting to sleep, whispered "I love yous". I will certainly still be able to hold them after I go back to work, but it will be in moments of beauty, not all day every day.
5. I love not feeling like a bad mom. When I was working, I felt like a bad mom all the time. I don't know if others thought that (I'm sure some did) but I felt like this imposter who wasn't really a mom or who was a mom in name only. I still have those moments as a faux stay at home mom, of course-we all do!-but not all day every day, constantly. I don't have to cringe right now when I hear comments about how people love their kids too much to not stay home with them, I can nod in agreement when I hear admonitions that no one ever said on their death bed that they wished they spent more time at work, and I can feel like I am one of the primary influences in my kids' lives, rather than just some person on the periphery who never does enough and certainly is never there enough.
6. I have enjoyed sleeping. I don't sleep a lot, but WAY more than after I went back to work last time (I would say I was probably sleeping an average of 3-4 hours per night in 30-45 minute stretches due to Ben's need to nurse and make up for lost mommy time all night).
I know we will be okay. No one died last time, and Ben seems fairly well adjusted. We are going to have a rough first 5 weeks (that's the overlap between me going back to work and Josh finishing this very intense semester) but then it will probably get better, at least from a logistical standpoint and definitely MUCH easier for Josh. Thankfully, the schedule works to where Hadassah can come nurse at lunch (and I'm sure Ben will want to nurse then too) so that will help some. And yet, the cliff looms, a mere vacation's length away, and this time next week will be here before I know it. Oh, children, babies, I am so sorry....

Month 2 of Having 2!

2 month photo!

Hadassah officially turned 2 months old yesterday (Ben turned 21 months old the day before that)! Goodness, time is passing so quickly. It is so fun to see her grow, and yet I want it to slow down...just a little...especially because by the time her next "month birthday" comes I will be back to being a full time absentee working mother.
I have so deeply loved being with my amazing, adorable, wonderful children these 2 months. It is so fun to form deeper bonds with them, and I have actually kind of enjoyed the challenge of trying to get the basic housework done with both of them. This month we have started venturing out a little bit (mostly to doctor's appointments, but also some to friends' houses, the park, etc.) which is definitely much more intimidating and challenging with 2 than 1! Especially because Ben is still young enough that he can't be trusted to necessarily stay with me in parking lots (or not throw a screaming fit in the middle of the doctor's office because I am directing him away from something he wants to explore). Thank goodness for babywearing. Seriously, I don't know how I would do the 2 babies without that! I can tie Ben to my back (double win-he loves it so no fits, I am in complete control of where he can and cannot go, and I am also able to limit what he can get into without fighting him-wait, that's a triple win!) and carry Hadassah in front. At times, I will tie Hadassah in front as well in order to mop the floor or do some other task that requires two hands.

Mopping day!

I am really actually enjoying having 2 close together. So many people (when I was pregnant and now) will give me horrified looks when they learn how close together they are and say something along the lines of "wow, you are busy" or something else that really means "you are crazy and I am so so sooooo glad it's you and not me!" While they are certainly entitled to feel that way, I honestly love having the two so close in age. Really, the biggest "inconvenience" is how stinking fast we go through diapers!  We were doing diaper laundry about every 2 days for a while-now it's about every 3, and I suspect it will stay there for a while-much more doable! But because they are both in baby stage still (less so with Ben, but still somewhat), there has been so much sweet time spent snuggling (either tandem nursing, or reading him a story while Hadassah nurses or sleeps), we have been able to triandem nap (love that!!), and the plus of 2 in diapers is we can just do big family diaper changes when the need arises!

Plus, these moments happen!

So far the biggest challenge for me is lack of sleep. Hadassah is still a night owl, while Ben is a (super super) early morning bird. So in addition to the waking up all night, I've got one who likes to party til all hours (often past midnight) and one who likes to be up before 6! In some ways I guess it's good training for going back to work, in others...well, I wish I could rest up now! (not that sleep carries over or anything) On a lot of mornings, my amazing husband takes Ben out so I can catch another catnap before getting up, which helps tremendously!
New things Hadassah is doing this month:
Smiling back! We still have to work pretty hard to get it out of her, but she will smile back at us. And oh goodness-this girl is beautiful anyway, but a smile transforms her face into a pretty angelic one. I keep trying to capture it photographically and so far have had limited success. One day, I will show you!
She also coos back at us when we talk to her, which is pretty darn cute!
She still really loves snuggling, especially with Mommy, but is starting to do much better with letting other people hold her and wear her (this kid LOOOVVESSS being worn and definitely shows a preference for which wrap she loves best...unfortunately her favorite one isn't actually mine! Thankfully the friend whose wrap it actually is won't need it herself till August, so worst case, we've got a little bit to try to get her to fall in love with one that belongs to us).
She isn't taking a pacifier very well. She doesn't suck fingers either. I'm a little concerned about this for when I go back to work, since sucking is clearly very soothing for her. But maybe she will for someone who doesn't smell like milkies.

Hadassah's favorite wrap-it has the Celtic symbol for motherhood woven into it

Oh, I love motherhood so much...I am so thankful to be in the "little babies" stage of my life. Of course it is not all sunshine and roses, there are challenges along the way, but overall I am truly thankful to be here right now!

In which I am painfully honest

Brutally, even. If you are not a pretty close friend, this won't be an enjoyable post for you to read. Even if you are, it will likely not be enjoyable, but maybe helpful/good. And if anyone is not up for brutal honesty and seeing my raw/painful side....that is okay. I think I'm partly writing this for me anyway.
I am a little over halfway through my maternity leave. Which means I still have almost 6 weeks left-WAY longer than I would ever be able to take off under any other circumstances and "should" mean I'm not struggling with going back yet! BUT I have been struggling with (dreading, crying, begging God for rescue) going back to work since day 1. I thought it would be easier the second time-I already survived it once. But it's not. It's harder. I think partly because I now have to leave 2 of the most amazing kids on the planet, partly because I am now painfully aware of just how  much I am missing and how fast time flies, and probably partly postpartum hormones.
When I was a little girl, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I used to answer all kinds of crazy things when I was really little...but my answer from the time I was old enough to know what I was saying until I was basically forced to choose a career or training path was..."mother." I passionately love children, especially young children. I have looked forward to this part of my life since I can remember-the part where I got to have babies of my own to love, hold, raise...and yes, get frustrated with, deal with tantrums, etc. I knew that was part of it. I grew up as the oldest of 7-I did not have a romanticized idea of what raising children was like.
And now I find myself in this part of life...and I love it. I love it so much. It's not a perfect fantasy world. My 20 month old throws screaming tantrums when something doesn't go his way. We have to discipline him for kicking people when he doesn't want his diaper changed (I have no idea what that phase is about). My 1 month old sometimes screams non stop from 9 until well after midnight and just about always keeps me up super late while the 20 month old is up well before 7 without fail. But I still love it. The last 6 weeks have been beautiful. I love hugging and playing, even figuring out how to fit in a much needed floor cleaning or diaper laundry load. And yet...through choices made by myself, others, and just "the way life is"...I find myself missing the vast majority of their baby lives. I get to be with them for 12 all too brief weeks and then, for all intents and purposes, hand their care and raising over to others. I am SO lucky that I can give that sacred trust to people who love them, and I believe that Josh is a phenomenal Dad and my mom is an amazing grandmother....but I want to do it. I want to be there to kiss the boo boos, to see the first roll over, to hear the first time they say a new word. I don't want just pictures and videos. I HATE that one of the first lessons they have to learn is "Mommy and milk are sometimes here and sometimes not-for no understandable reason."
I know. I know that I sound like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. I feel that way sometimes too. I am also incredibly blessed that I love what I do. I am very highly trained, (not to toot my own horn but it is true) very good at most aspects of what I do, and one of only a few therapists in the country with my exact skill set. I am not miserable all day at work, and heaven knows I am not bored. But my heart yearns for my children, especially right now, during their young years. Maybe I wouldn't really feel different if they were 15, but I kind of feel like I might. I struggle with feeling cheated.
You know all those memes that say things like "no one ever looked back and said 'I wish I spent less time with my kids and more at work'" etc.? Those always hit me hard in the gut. I KNOW I will regret spending this time at work. I already regret it, grieve it, deeply. But the almighty dollar dictates that I must. I hate it, because in theory, of course I would not want to trade time with my children for something as silly as money....but in reality, that isn't really a choice I have. I also find that many "mommy advice or encouragement" blogs or articles are geared toward encouraging moms who stay home, helping them realize how valuable what they do is despite the lack of paycheck, etc. Those also feel a bit like a stab in the heart. Maybe I need to stop reading them....
I am still halfheartedly begging God for rescue. And there may be rescue on the horizon. There is a possibility that Josh and I could switch once he finishes school in May, or that I could at least cut back somewhat on my hours. I am terrified to hope, though-how much more will it hurt if it doesn't come to be? And we don't know if it is really a possibility or when.
Anyway, if you have made it this far, thanks for taking the time. Now you know the "ugly me"-the selfish me, the whiny me, the me that I try to keep under the surface. I want to be real, though...and I would appreciate prayers or encouragement, if you have any (but please know that for me, saying things like "they will get over it" or "they will learn" doesn't actually encourage me, it just makes me feel horribly guilty and reinforces the feeling that I am abandoning them). I really don't want to spend the next 5.5 weeks fixating on the coming return to work-I want to cherish my time with my children. I am kind of hoping that getting this out on "paper" will help me do that. And I hope that, regardless of what ends up happening, I will be able to do what I am called to do to the best of my ability-whatever balance that ends up being between working in and out of the home. I want to give the best that I am to my children and my patients-I now echo the plea of all mothers around the world-I think I need another me!

Hadassah Grace-the First Month

My precious girl is a month old! I can hardly believe it-the last few weeks have truly flown. It is crazy how the last few days and weeks of pregnancy drag by and yet the first few of outside life pass in the blink of a sleep deprived eye!
So far she still loves to snuggle and she only has a few longer awake periods, though those have increased the last few days.  I am soaking up the snuggle time as much as I can!
She is pretty vocal both when awake and asleep. She has a groaning noise (which can quickly escalate to full in crying) for when her diaper is wet. The child absolutely despises having a wet or dirty diaper-in fact I think more of her night wakings are related to this than hunger (she often wants her diaper changed 4 times or more at night)-wish I could figure out how to do a diaper change without sitting up!! She also makes the sweetest little mmmm-mmmm noise while nursing, which is clearly her favorite activity!
I think this girl has some fire in her veins! She gets frustrated pretty quickly (mostly with nursing/latching and waiting for a letdown). This is getting better as she gets better at nursing-hopefully we will be able to help her channel all that passion and do amazing things with it! She is also such a sweet snuggly baby.
She definitely has a preference for Mommy right now-totally normal for a little baby. Josh has dubbed himself "the boobless one" and says she is unimpressed with him. I know that will change as she gets older and for right now I am snuggling her as much as I can. Josh pointed out that I am touching her at least 23 hours per day- probably true. I think a part of me desperately hopes that she can somehow store up the snuggles and love for when I abandon her...errr, return to work....just 8 short weeks from now. It kills me to know that I can't be there for her then. Anyway, that could be a blog post of its own, and may be one day, but not today.
The rest of us are doing famously! I am over my infection and just have a few weeks left of intense pelvic rest but already I feel so much better and have so much less pain than before she was born which is very encouraging! I am still struggling with energy but my dr thinks that is normal and a cumulative effect of the craziness my body has gone through the last 2 years, so she recommended rest and listening to my body, and we expect things will be much better there soon! I am absolutely loving being home with my kids-living my dream job even just for a little...snuggling my baby, playing and reading with my toddler, trips to the potty, snacks, and lots of hugs and cuddles and nursing!
Josh is incredibly busy with school. This is his last semester and it is a full one! He literally spends all day every day doing schoolwork and writing papers-I am so proud of how hard he is working! We don't know what is ahead when he is done but it is exciting to be almost there!
Ben is adapting to his big brother role beautifully! He is so sweet with his sister- the two of them pretty much melt my heart daily! His vocabulary expands daily though we are still working on using words instead of tantrums if things don't go our way...ongoing work in progress!! He will be so happy when winter is over as he clearly misses playing outside! He nurses about 5 times a day right now-I think it is helping the transition so not placing limits yet, though I will eventually. His favorite song is Jesus Loves Me and his favorite activity is taking baths or showers. Random, but hey, he's clean!
We love you all!

Tandem Nursing Thoughts

Here I am, 2 whole weeks into my tandem nursing journey and ready to share my deep insights with the world! Or not...really I mostly use this blog to process and if someone else can be helped by what I write, even better!
We got pregnant with Hadassah when Ben was only 10 months old. That combined with how deeply attached he was/is to nursing led me to look into tandem. I decided that I would keep nursing if he wanted to, but if he weaned himself while I was pregnant I wouldn't fight him, and we would just see what happened.
First trimester was really hard-I had a lot of sensitivity/pain and Ben has always had a weird/slightly uncomfortable latch (which was now toe curlingly painful). Also, I was struggling to eat due to nausea so at times it felt like he was literally sucking the last bits of energy from me. Second trimester, I dried up, the pain continued, and I developed Raynauds in my nipples (causes very painful nipple spasms). Third trimester, a little colostrum came back and some of the sensitivity decreased. All that to say, nursing while pregnant is very hard and most definitely not for everyone!!
Having a toddler who nurses has come in handy in several ways though! I can get relief from engorgement really quickly, my milk came in very quickly after birth, and it's a great way to get him to sit still if needed!!
Benefits of tandem: I really think it has helped a lot with bonding. They nurse at the same time at least a couple of times per day and Ben is so sweet with Hadassah during those times! He will hold her hand, rub her head, pat her back, and express some milk into her mouth (she doesn't need help with this but it's still very sweet of him!). It's also a very helpful way for me to get him to follow me or do something I need him to do (yes, I bribe him with milk occasionally). He definitely enjoys it-I think it makes him feel loved and he also likes the taste. It is also a nice way for him to have some special alone time before bed with Mama. My supply has regulated much faster this time so there is less leakage everywhere-and if that starts to happen I have the option to latch Ben instead of just getting all milky!
Challenges so far: I am having a hard time drinking enough to stay hydrated (my mother in law pointed out this may be compounded by the bleeding I have had which has been heavier than normal due to a uterine infection), and if I thought nursing 1 made you hungry, 2 is even more so!! Ben is having a hard time with me putting my shirt back on after, but I think he will eventually learn that this doesn't mean the milk is gone forever, and he won't tantrum as much. I am still working on finding comfortable positions to nurse both at once-we are pretty good at sitting up now, but I would like to learn a lying down position also.
To summarize, I am glad we are tandem nursing. It has mostly been positive so far for all involved. I have been very blessed to not have to deal with many of the challenges I have read about-I never dealt with an aversion to nursing Ben (pain yes, but not aversion) and I am able to nurse both at once without being totally creeped out by the 2 different latches. As with every parenting decision I don't think it is for everyone, but so far it has been a good journey for us and I look forward to continuing!