I really need to write this entry before my sweet girl is 6 months instead of 5!! Life has been crazy this last month-I had surgery, we are trying to move, and work has been insane. I feel like I'm just (barely) surviving the day to day, let alone documenting anything! But I love the photo album I made for Ben where I have blog posts and photos chronicling his first year, and I want to do the same for Hadassah, so here goes!
This month, Hadassah Grace has really been starting to act like an older baby. She has so much to say (VERY loudly!) and she is so strong and active! :-) This little girl has an opinion about just about everything, and she will let you know about it! Her smile is so sweet and precious and her joy is just as passionate and complete as any other emotion she displays, though!
She laughs and smiles pretty readily now. It's so interesting to see what things she thinks are funny! Ben often is in that category, and raspberries or tickling will get her laughing too.
She is head over heels in love with her daddy (and a pretty major flirt with guys in general!). She smiles and bats her eyes at him. Aww!
She REALLY wants to be mobile. She can scoot herself around pretty well on the floor, and I don't think we are too far from crawling. This kid has some crazy strong arms and legs!
She can almost sit up unassisted.
She is such a sweet snuggly baby when she wants to be, but sometimes she is too busy or interested in everything going on around her to snuggle!
She still has crazy hair! It's getting long enough that it can lay down sometimes (and I can pull it into teeny tiny pigtails!) but mostly it still sticks up everywhere.
I am so thankful to say that she sleeps MUCH better at night than her brother did. A normal night is about 3 wakings. We have a few rough ones that are more (5-6) but so far, we have not had any nights where she was up 8-10 times. I am so thankful to be just tired instead of desperately exhausted!
She is starting to show some interest in food that we are eating, so I think trying solids is coming up in the next month or 2! It's crazy to think she is already old enough to be ready for that!
Speaking of eating, she has started being very distractable while nursing (especially at lunch-the one time I need her to eat on a timeline!). Even though she and her brother have been tandem nursing since she was born, any time we try to tandem now, she pulls off to pat/pull his hair and touch his face. Which leads him to pull off and admonish her to use nice touches. LOL!
I feel like I don't have a tiny baby anymore, and it's so strange! I am enjoying watching this sweet girl grow, but as always it is a little bittersweet!
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Sunday, June 1, 2014
A Tale of Two (Potty) Poopers
This post probably won't interest a lot of my friends, and that is completely fine! Feel free to skip it. :-) But I know that at least some of my friends have asked me how EC is going with Hadassah and how potty training is going with Ben, so I thought I'd update about that.
For anyone who doesn't know, EC is elimination communication-it is not potty training the baby, but rather the parent learning to recognize when the baby needs to eliminate and then taking them to the potty. You can start it from birth if you want (I am too lazy to start it quite that young) and can be as fully into it or not as you choose.
The way we have done EC so far is that I have a goal of catching all of the poops in the potty by the time my baby is eating solid food. To be completely honest, my motivation was simple: I don't want to wash solid poop diapers! We started with Ben when he was around 2-3 months old, and it worked beautifully! I can count on one hand the number of poops he has done in a diaper since he was about 5 months old. One thing I think is important about EC is that you don't scold or shame the child if they go in their diaper-the responsibility to know soon enough and get to the potty is on the parent, not the child (and a few times I have actually apologized to Ben for not being able to get him to the potty when he asked to go-when we were in the middle of nowhere on roadtrips etc.).
We didn't start nearly that young with Hadassah, mostly because during that period of her life, we were completely overwhelmed and just trying to survive life until Josh graduated. She was with a lot of different caregivers, and it just seemed too difficult to try to work on EC if we weren't going to be able to be consistent. However, in the last week or so, we have been able to start! Thankfully, she had gotten into the habit of pooping not long after waking up, so we had at least 1 time of day when we knew she would probably go if we took her. We started with that-Josh would take her (I can't physically take her to the potty right now) early in the morning, tell her it was okay to go, and then cheer and get super excited for her when she did. We are now 3 days diaper-poop free! I'm sure it will take us a while to get to where we are completely trained, especially as I am returning to full time working soon. But it's exciting to see her catch on so quickly! She is starting to let us know, either by grunting or by doing lots of gas, but giving us enough time to take her potty. Given that (literally from birth) she HATES the feeling of being in a wet or dirty diaper, I think she is all about this pooping in the potty stuff!
Ben, in turn, has been working on potty training. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I would have tried to potty train him this young left to my own devices (he's been working on it since he was about 21 months old). However, he was really acting ready so we are just going with it. He has regularly pooped on the potty for a very long time, as mentioned earlier, so it wasn't a huge shift necessarily. The biggest thing is that his communication has gotten so much better! He started REALLY wanting to wear his Daddy's boxers all the time (which I would let him do-we tied the waist band with a sock to make them stay up) and I noticed that he never peed in Daddy's boxers, but if I offered to take him, he would go and pee in the potty. He also was frequently waking up dry from naps and would pee on the potty if I took him. So I figured, hey, we might as well try! I ordered tiny boxers (side note: 2T boxers are ridiculously cute!) with various animals on them (he LOVES animals right now). He was so excited to have boxers of his own! He had started calling potty "booboo" (poop or pee) so we told him that he was a big boy and got to wear boxers now, and we try not to booboo on the lions (or monkeys etc.). We started out by letting him pick each day whether he wanted to wear a diaper or boxers. Recently, we've just been starting out in boxers, though he does still wear a diaper at night and nap time. Some days, he requests a diaper and seems to need a break from having to pay attention to whether he needs to pee or not (today is one of those days) and I am fine with that. I am incredibly thankful that we have wood laminate flooring in most of our house instead of carpet, because that frees me up to really not care if he pees on the floor by accident. I would definitely not call him potty trained yet-sometimes he goes a little bit before realizing (though I am incredibly impressed that he can stop himself and make his way to the bathroom to finish) and if he is busy, he forgets to pay attention (so I don't trust him in boxers yet when we go out of the house) but he is well on his way. I feel like he has made it ridiculously easy on me-not sure how much of it is the EC and how much of it is just who he is, but I am definitely spoiled in this area!
So that is our potty update! Happy to answer questions if anyone has any! The summary is: EC isn't for everyone, but it has worked incredibly well for our family so far and it's one of the parenting choices I am super happy we made!
For anyone who doesn't know, EC is elimination communication-it is not potty training the baby, but rather the parent learning to recognize when the baby needs to eliminate and then taking them to the potty. You can start it from birth if you want (I am too lazy to start it quite that young) and can be as fully into it or not as you choose.
The way we have done EC so far is that I have a goal of catching all of the poops in the potty by the time my baby is eating solid food. To be completely honest, my motivation was simple: I don't want to wash solid poop diapers! We started with Ben when he was around 2-3 months old, and it worked beautifully! I can count on one hand the number of poops he has done in a diaper since he was about 5 months old. One thing I think is important about EC is that you don't scold or shame the child if they go in their diaper-the responsibility to know soon enough and get to the potty is on the parent, not the child (and a few times I have actually apologized to Ben for not being able to get him to the potty when he asked to go-when we were in the middle of nowhere on roadtrips etc.).
We didn't start nearly that young with Hadassah, mostly because during that period of her life, we were completely overwhelmed and just trying to survive life until Josh graduated. She was with a lot of different caregivers, and it just seemed too difficult to try to work on EC if we weren't going to be able to be consistent. However, in the last week or so, we have been able to start! Thankfully, she had gotten into the habit of pooping not long after waking up, so we had at least 1 time of day when we knew she would probably go if we took her. We started with that-Josh would take her (I can't physically take her to the potty right now) early in the morning, tell her it was okay to go, and then cheer and get super excited for her when she did. We are now 3 days diaper-poop free! I'm sure it will take us a while to get to where we are completely trained, especially as I am returning to full time working soon. But it's exciting to see her catch on so quickly! She is starting to let us know, either by grunting or by doing lots of gas, but giving us enough time to take her potty. Given that (literally from birth) she HATES the feeling of being in a wet or dirty diaper, I think she is all about this pooping in the potty stuff!
Ben, in turn, has been working on potty training. To be perfectly honest, I don't think I would have tried to potty train him this young left to my own devices (he's been working on it since he was about 21 months old). However, he was really acting ready so we are just going with it. He has regularly pooped on the potty for a very long time, as mentioned earlier, so it wasn't a huge shift necessarily. The biggest thing is that his communication has gotten so much better! He started REALLY wanting to wear his Daddy's boxers all the time (which I would let him do-we tied the waist band with a sock to make them stay up) and I noticed that he never peed in Daddy's boxers, but if I offered to take him, he would go and pee in the potty. He also was frequently waking up dry from naps and would pee on the potty if I took him. So I figured, hey, we might as well try! I ordered tiny boxers (side note: 2T boxers are ridiculously cute!) with various animals on them (he LOVES animals right now). He was so excited to have boxers of his own! He had started calling potty "booboo" (poop or pee) so we told him that he was a big boy and got to wear boxers now, and we try not to booboo on the lions (or monkeys etc.). We started out by letting him pick each day whether he wanted to wear a diaper or boxers. Recently, we've just been starting out in boxers, though he does still wear a diaper at night and nap time. Some days, he requests a diaper and seems to need a break from having to pay attention to whether he needs to pee or not (today is one of those days) and I am fine with that. I am incredibly thankful that we have wood laminate flooring in most of our house instead of carpet, because that frees me up to really not care if he pees on the floor by accident. I would definitely not call him potty trained yet-sometimes he goes a little bit before realizing (though I am incredibly impressed that he can stop himself and make his way to the bathroom to finish) and if he is busy, he forgets to pay attention (so I don't trust him in boxers yet when we go out of the house) but he is well on his way. I feel like he has made it ridiculously easy on me-not sure how much of it is the EC and how much of it is just who he is, but I am definitely spoiled in this area!
So that is our potty update! Happy to answer questions if anyone has any! The summary is: EC isn't for everyone, but it has worked incredibly well for our family so far and it's one of the parenting choices I am super happy we made!
Sunday, May 18, 2014
The Fourth Month of Grace
My sweet daughter turned four months old earlier this week. It is so amazing how quickly the time flies. I think how long the last few weeks leading up to her birth felt (with the contractions and misery and exhaustion) and yet these 4 months since have passed so quickly!
This month was very hard for all of us as a family because I was back at work full time and Josh was in the middle of the most intense semester ever. Through a LOT of help from family and friends, the grace of God, and the fact that we have 2 extremely sweet children, we made it through and he is now officially done with school.
One of my favorite things this month has been watching Hadassah's relationship with Ben blossom. He really takes his role as older brother/caretaker/protector very seriously. He is always bringing her a blanket or her "passy", offering hugs, asking to "hold her", and checking on her when she cries. She loves him like crazy-flirts with him all the time. He will often lean over her and in the sweetest voice say, "Heyyyy!" They still tandem nurse pretty often (at least 2 times per day usually) and almost always hold hands while they do (or sometimes he will rub her back or pat her bottom). I know that there will be spats-that's just how it goes with siblings, especially when they are close in age-but I am so enjoying watching their relationship blossom and I hope that love is always underneath those spats!
New things Hadassah is doing/personality emergences:
Blowing raspberries-this is new and extremely cute!
Laughing-the easiest way to get her to do this is to play "kissy games" where she gets lots of kisses under her chin or on the side of her neck. She also thinks it's funny when I sneeze. She does not, however, like yelling (not that I yell much, but if I raise my voice to call for Daddy, she gets very upset).
I think we have officially admitted that she is reverse cycling like her brother did. Sometimes Daddy can get her to drink an ounce or so through the course of the day, but that's it. She waits til I get home and does most of her eating overnight. I was very stressed about this when I first went back to work (because she was so young and I hated the thought of her going that long without eating) but she has continued to gain weight steadily and has stayed in the 90th percentile, so I believe she is making up for her nutrition. I'm still not necessarily thrilled, but thankful that I don't have to worry about her nutrition levels or weight gain.
She can roll from back to front, but I haven't seen her do the other way.
She continues to be extremely opinionated. If she gets mad, you have to calm her down before you can fix the problem.
She loves her pacifier (so she has no issue with fake nipples, it's the milk that upsets her). She just demonstrated a love for frozen milk (????) so when I go back to work (off now due to foot surgery) we will try that to get some calories into her during the day.
She talks a LOT. It's adorable. Sometimes Ben has conversations with her in the back seat where she babbles and he says "Uh huh, yeah..." Makes me realize we do the same for him (want to know what your verbal habits or tendencies are? Get a toddler).
She doesn't love water. She's okay with it, but doesn't love it.
She hates the booger sucker. Don't blame her there!
Her smile can light up the room and bring joy to the most sorrowful heart!
I am so thankful every day for these two precious little ones we have been gifted with. I look forward to the continued journey as their mama!
This month was very hard for all of us as a family because I was back at work full time and Josh was in the middle of the most intense semester ever. Through a LOT of help from family and friends, the grace of God, and the fact that we have 2 extremely sweet children, we made it through and he is now officially done with school.
One of my favorite things this month has been watching Hadassah's relationship with Ben blossom. He really takes his role as older brother/caretaker/protector very seriously. He is always bringing her a blanket or her "passy", offering hugs, asking to "hold her", and checking on her when she cries. She loves him like crazy-flirts with him all the time. He will often lean over her and in the sweetest voice say, "Heyyyy!" They still tandem nurse pretty often (at least 2 times per day usually) and almost always hold hands while they do (or sometimes he will rub her back or pat her bottom). I know that there will be spats-that's just how it goes with siblings, especially when they are close in age-but I am so enjoying watching their relationship blossom and I hope that love is always underneath those spats!
New things Hadassah is doing/personality emergences:
Blowing raspberries-this is new and extremely cute!
Laughing-the easiest way to get her to do this is to play "kissy games" where she gets lots of kisses under her chin or on the side of her neck. She also thinks it's funny when I sneeze. She does not, however, like yelling (not that I yell much, but if I raise my voice to call for Daddy, she gets very upset).
I think we have officially admitted that she is reverse cycling like her brother did. Sometimes Daddy can get her to drink an ounce or so through the course of the day, but that's it. She waits til I get home and does most of her eating overnight. I was very stressed about this when I first went back to work (because she was so young and I hated the thought of her going that long without eating) but she has continued to gain weight steadily and has stayed in the 90th percentile, so I believe she is making up for her nutrition. I'm still not necessarily thrilled, but thankful that I don't have to worry about her nutrition levels or weight gain.
She can roll from back to front, but I haven't seen her do the other way.
She continues to be extremely opinionated. If she gets mad, you have to calm her down before you can fix the problem.
She loves her pacifier (so she has no issue with fake nipples, it's the milk that upsets her). She just demonstrated a love for frozen milk (????) so when I go back to work (off now due to foot surgery) we will try that to get some calories into her during the day.
She talks a LOT. It's adorable. Sometimes Ben has conversations with her in the back seat where she babbles and he says "Uh huh, yeah..." Makes me realize we do the same for him (want to know what your verbal habits or tendencies are? Get a toddler).
She doesn't love water. She's okay with it, but doesn't love it.
She hates the booger sucker. Don't blame her there!
Her smile can light up the room and bring joy to the most sorrowful heart!
I am so thankful every day for these two precious little ones we have been gifted with. I look forward to the continued journey as their mama!
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Hadassah Grace-the third month
Well, my sweet little daughter is 3 months old, 15 lbs 5 oz (checked
her on Monday because we need to monitor her weight since we are having a
hard time getting her to drink milk while Mommy is gone at work), and
such a sweet smiley bundle of preciousness. Yeah, parenthood is pretty
amazing the second time around too. Here is what has been going on in
our family this month....
I went back to work 2 weeks ago, and it has been a very difficult and challenging transition for all of us. Hadassah is much more vocal than Ben, gets angry much more quickly, and is just kind of an "all or nothing" type girl...so where Ben waited until he was 5 months old to decide bottles were overrated, she pitched a fit right away, and continues to do so each time a caregiver tries to feed her when I am gone. Prayers on this count would be much appreciated-I so hate to think of her being sad and hungry, she is awfully young to go for 2 5-6 hour stretches per day without eating or drinking, and I am sure it is wearing on Josh to have her spend as much time crying as she does. We are trying everything we can think of-cup feeding, spoon feeding, syringe feeding, various bottles/nipples, etc. and have had only limited success so far. A dear friend got her to eat 1.5 oz today from one of our new bottles (which is by FAR the most she has accepted not from me) so maybe we can still convince her to at least have something!!
Josh is so close to being done with school we can taste it...and yet the insanity of his final semester means he is literally always doing school and still not totally caught up (at least, he doesn't feel he is). We are just trying to survive and hang in there as a family until he is done...he and I haven't had a decent conversation in the last 2 weeks, we aren't often both home at the same time, and we are both so intensely exhausted (him because he regularly stays up far past midnight to complete work, me because of Hadassah reverse cycling and foot pain that is bad enough to prevent sleep many nights). We are so incredibly thankful for friends who have stepped in and offered to help us with childcare, meals, etc.-we would be drowning without this help, I am sure!
Just quickly, since I know some people will be curious...my foot started acting up when I was pregnant and has gotten markedly worse over the weeks since Hadassah was born (I am sure that spending much of my 17 hour labor standing and squatting while barefoot did not do me any favors-not the smartest move I have ever made in my life, but I was not thinking about my feet at the time). It has not been this bad since I was a teenager. It's the one that I have had 5 surgeries on (3 on the other). An MRI has shown there is an exostosis (new bone growth) underneath my fibula (basically just below my ankle) which is causing some tendons to be compressed/pinched and now I have something called tenosynovitis (means inflammation of the tendon and tendon sheath surrounding the tendon). I almost certainly need surgery to prevent worsening of the growth and potentially eventual tendon rupture, but we really can't afford (physically or monetarily) for me to be off work and off my feet right now, so we are trying an injection on Friday to see if we can buy some time. Meantime, I wear a brace at work and am supposed to be nonweightbearing at home. I do my best, but with 2 under 2...it's not the easiest. If you come to my house, be warned...it looks like a toddler lives in it with a Daddy who is too busy and stressed to clean and a Mommy who is too exhausted/lazy and is usually not able to manage standing for more than a few minutes at a time by the end of the day.
Okay, on to fun stuff!
Hadassah can roll from her back to her tummy. She doesn't do it regularly yet, but I have seen her do it enough times to be pretty sure it isn't an accident when it happens.
She has the most gorgeous, sweet smile that transforms her face from adorably chubby to simply angelic. How hard you have to work to get her to smile is a pretty good indication of how close your relationship is with her. She smiles pretty readily at me and at Daddy, extended family and friends have to work at it a little harder, and there is exactly 1 person in the world that she smiles at without him smiling first...big brother Ben. Thankfully, those 2 adore each other. He often asks to hold her, he loves to kiss her and hug her (and "hold" her), and he loves to rub her back or pat her sweetly while they both nurse. I so hope they keep on loving each other as they get older! (anyone have suggestions on fostering a sweet loving relationship between siblings? I'm all ears!)
Her head control is greatly improved, though she is still fairly wobbly.
She likes nursing quite a bit, but is not quite as in love with it as Ben was. She doesn't always comfort nurse to the same degree that he did, and there are times when she actually prefers another means of comfort over nursing.
She LOVES being worn, especially in "her" wrap (we were borrowing it from a friend, and she fell so madly in love with it that I ended up buying it from my friend).
She loves being rocked, which makes me very happy. Ben never liked rocking, so now the glider is actually getting some use! And with the foot pain, it is SO nice that she actually prefers rocking over walking/bouncing most of the time!
We have done a little bit of EC with her, but I think we are going to wait to really start that until Josh is done with school. She is just with too many different caregivers and so often out of the house.
She has gotten a bit better about wet diapers-she still doesn't like them, but she usually only makes me change her 1-2 times per night, which is much nicer than 6 or more!
She loves to "talk"-she will coo and bob her head and make such sweet faces.
Just think, by this time next month, Josh will be within days of graduating! That will be awesome, and maybe bring some big changes for our family. We'll see. Until then, if you don't see or hear from us or I forget to respond to you, I am very sorry...feel free to pester me at will. As I said, in some ways we are just trying to survive the next few weeks.
I went back to work 2 weeks ago, and it has been a very difficult and challenging transition for all of us. Hadassah is much more vocal than Ben, gets angry much more quickly, and is just kind of an "all or nothing" type girl...so where Ben waited until he was 5 months old to decide bottles were overrated, she pitched a fit right away, and continues to do so each time a caregiver tries to feed her when I am gone. Prayers on this count would be much appreciated-I so hate to think of her being sad and hungry, she is awfully young to go for 2 5-6 hour stretches per day without eating or drinking, and I am sure it is wearing on Josh to have her spend as much time crying as she does. We are trying everything we can think of-cup feeding, spoon feeding, syringe feeding, various bottles/nipples, etc. and have had only limited success so far. A dear friend got her to eat 1.5 oz today from one of our new bottles (which is by FAR the most she has accepted not from me) so maybe we can still convince her to at least have something!!
Josh is so close to being done with school we can taste it...and yet the insanity of his final semester means he is literally always doing school and still not totally caught up (at least, he doesn't feel he is). We are just trying to survive and hang in there as a family until he is done...he and I haven't had a decent conversation in the last 2 weeks, we aren't often both home at the same time, and we are both so intensely exhausted (him because he regularly stays up far past midnight to complete work, me because of Hadassah reverse cycling and foot pain that is bad enough to prevent sleep many nights). We are so incredibly thankful for friends who have stepped in and offered to help us with childcare, meals, etc.-we would be drowning without this help, I am sure!
Just quickly, since I know some people will be curious...my foot started acting up when I was pregnant and has gotten markedly worse over the weeks since Hadassah was born (I am sure that spending much of my 17 hour labor standing and squatting while barefoot did not do me any favors-not the smartest move I have ever made in my life, but I was not thinking about my feet at the time). It has not been this bad since I was a teenager. It's the one that I have had 5 surgeries on (3 on the other). An MRI has shown there is an exostosis (new bone growth) underneath my fibula (basically just below my ankle) which is causing some tendons to be compressed/pinched and now I have something called tenosynovitis (means inflammation of the tendon and tendon sheath surrounding the tendon). I almost certainly need surgery to prevent worsening of the growth and potentially eventual tendon rupture, but we really can't afford (physically or monetarily) for me to be off work and off my feet right now, so we are trying an injection on Friday to see if we can buy some time. Meantime, I wear a brace at work and am supposed to be nonweightbearing at home. I do my best, but with 2 under 2...it's not the easiest. If you come to my house, be warned...it looks like a toddler lives in it with a Daddy who is too busy and stressed to clean and a Mommy who is too exhausted/lazy and is usually not able to manage standing for more than a few minutes at a time by the end of the day.
Okay, on to fun stuff!
Hadassah can roll from her back to her tummy. She doesn't do it regularly yet, but I have seen her do it enough times to be pretty sure it isn't an accident when it happens.
She has the most gorgeous, sweet smile that transforms her face from adorably chubby to simply angelic. How hard you have to work to get her to smile is a pretty good indication of how close your relationship is with her. She smiles pretty readily at me and at Daddy, extended family and friends have to work at it a little harder, and there is exactly 1 person in the world that she smiles at without him smiling first...big brother Ben. Thankfully, those 2 adore each other. He often asks to hold her, he loves to kiss her and hug her (and "hold" her), and he loves to rub her back or pat her sweetly while they both nurse. I so hope they keep on loving each other as they get older! (anyone have suggestions on fostering a sweet loving relationship between siblings? I'm all ears!)
Her head control is greatly improved, though she is still fairly wobbly.
She likes nursing quite a bit, but is not quite as in love with it as Ben was. She doesn't always comfort nurse to the same degree that he did, and there are times when she actually prefers another means of comfort over nursing.
She LOVES being worn, especially in "her" wrap (we were borrowing it from a friend, and she fell so madly in love with it that I ended up buying it from my friend).
She loves being rocked, which makes me very happy. Ben never liked rocking, so now the glider is actually getting some use! And with the foot pain, it is SO nice that she actually prefers rocking over walking/bouncing most of the time!
We have done a little bit of EC with her, but I think we are going to wait to really start that until Josh is done with school. She is just with too many different caregivers and so often out of the house.
She has gotten a bit better about wet diapers-she still doesn't like them, but she usually only makes me change her 1-2 times per night, which is much nicer than 6 or more!
She loves to "talk"-she will coo and bob her head and make such sweet faces.
Just think, by this time next month, Josh will be within days of graduating! That will be awesome, and maybe bring some big changes for our family. We'll see. Until then, if you don't see or hear from us or I forget to respond to you, I am very sorry...feel free to pester me at will. As I said, in some ways we are just trying to survive the next few weeks.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Deep Breath Before the Plunge
Today my husband suggested taking Ben to the playground, so we got dressed, packed the diaper bag, and put on shoes to his delighted chants of "outside, outside!"
...which quickly turned to screams of anger, frustration, and heartbroken sobs as he was strapped into his car seat. The heartbreak continued all the way to the park-I tried to explain that we understood what he wanted (to a tearful "yeah, okay!") and that we were going to play at the playground and were almost there-at which point he would dissolve all over again. He was positive in that moment that we were denying his heart's true desire, even though we obviously knew what it was, and his little heart didn't understand why we didn't love him anymore.
Thankfully, we soon arrived at the park and joy came, as fully and completely felt as the agony from only moments before. He is now happily running, sliding, and climbing (Hadassah and I are nursing in the car because it us too cold to fumble with layers right now-and too windy). I am so glad, because even though I knew he would be happier and have more fun at the park than just in our back or even front yard, it was hard and sad to listen to him being so sad on the way.
And then it hit me...I have so much more toddler in me than I would like to admit. The heartache, anger, betrayal? Yeah, I feel those in reference to losing my dream of being a full time stay at home mom. Now, I honestly don't know if this is just how it is or if my heavenly parent has a better destination in mind that will fulfill my deepest desires even better than what I think I want. After all, Ben has these same reactions when we say no, as we sometimes must. But we don't love Ben less in those moments. Can I trust that He doesn't either? This is hard on so many levels (not the least of which is perceived judgment over my dedication to motherhood from strangers and acquaintances alike). And how do I walk through this, allowing the grief but not being swallowed by it, and choosing each day to make the most of the time I am given with my sweet babies?
I really hope we are headed to the "park"...
...which quickly turned to screams of anger, frustration, and heartbroken sobs as he was strapped into his car seat. The heartbreak continued all the way to the park-I tried to explain that we understood what he wanted (to a tearful "yeah, okay!") and that we were going to play at the playground and were almost there-at which point he would dissolve all over again. He was positive in that moment that we were denying his heart's true desire, even though we obviously knew what it was, and his little heart didn't understand why we didn't love him anymore.
Thankfully, we soon arrived at the park and joy came, as fully and completely felt as the agony from only moments before. He is now happily running, sliding, and climbing (Hadassah and I are nursing in the car because it us too cold to fumble with layers right now-and too windy). I am so glad, because even though I knew he would be happier and have more fun at the park than just in our back or even front yard, it was hard and sad to listen to him being so sad on the way.
And then it hit me...I have so much more toddler in me than I would like to admit. The heartache, anger, betrayal? Yeah, I feel those in reference to losing my dream of being a full time stay at home mom. Now, I honestly don't know if this is just how it is or if my heavenly parent has a better destination in mind that will fulfill my deepest desires even better than what I think I want. After all, Ben has these same reactions when we say no, as we sometimes must. But we don't love Ben less in those moments. Can I trust that He doesn't either? This is hard on so many levels (not the least of which is perceived judgment over my dedication to motherhood from strangers and acquaintances alike). And how do I walk through this, allowing the grief but not being swallowed by it, and choosing each day to make the most of the time I am given with my sweet babies?
I really hope we are headed to the "park"...
Friday, March 28, 2014
The last week...
I am down to one week of maternity leave. I don't really have words to describe how the quick passage of time has been for me during leave. It's almost as if I am being dragged toward a precipice and no matter what I do, I WILL be thrown off the edge at a predetermined time-I still am kicking and dragging my feet and trying to make it go slower, but it doesn't matter, I'm going off no matter what.
I would like to just list a few things I have LOVED and have been so thankful for during maternity leave-aka, my stint of pretending to be a SAHM. I didn't know to appreciate these things with Ben because I didn't know what to compare them to. Now I know what I am in for and know to love these things for the sweet moments they have been. Oh, and for the record-at least for me, going back the second time is far, far worse than the first. Not only am I leaving TWO kids instead of one, I know with painful certainty how quickly time will fly and just how much I will miss.
1. I have so deeply enjoyed getting to know my son more deeply and teach him. He's at such a fun age where language is really starting to develop and it is SO fun to help him with that. The "fun" flip side is that there is also a lot of frustration and tantruming-but that is part of it, and I am learning with him how to deal with those. I am going to miss being able to help guide him on a daily basis.
2. It is nice to not RUSH all the time. Not that I'm not busy-I am amazed by how full my days are with the everyday (and how I LOVE even the mundaneness of everyday home life with my babies). But I have enjoyed not being jarred awake by the alarm, then stressing/rushing to get baby fed/changed and myself read (and maybe fed), out the door (do I have all the things I need? Especially pump parts), then rushing during my work day-stressing over which patient will be late at just the wrong time to make it impossible or difficult for me to pump, will I be able to do my paperwork fast enough to leave somewhat close to when I am supposed to be done, will an emergency come up that forces me to stay late, are my babies okay??? It is nice to BE and just take the day as it comes-with my kids.
3. I really love being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower by myself without crushing guilt. Now don't get me wrong-I can count the number of times I have showered alone these last 12 weeks on 1 hand (I am pretty sure 2 fingers, mayyyybe 3) and I don't often go to the bathroom alone either, but when I do, I don't feel horribly guilty the way I did when I was working (how dare I take away one more minute when I am already missing so much with them). When I am working, I feel the need to be 100% actively engaged with family every minute I am home, and when that just isn't possible, I struggle with immense guilt. It goes beyond not taking time for myself, as in crafts/hobbies, down time, etc.-I don't expect to have that in this stage of life, and I am okay with it. We're talking intense guilt over taking a 10 minute shower. Not fun.
4. I love that I have the weight of one or both of the kids in my arms nearly all the time. Hadassah has really been held for most of her life (mostly by me) and Ben also gets his fair share of snuggle time. I have so enjoyed holding them both, having quiet moments when one or both are drifting to sleep, whispered "I love yous". I will certainly still be able to hold them after I go back to work, but it will be in moments of beauty, not all day every day.
5. I love not feeling like a bad mom. When I was working, I felt like a bad mom all the time. I don't know if others thought that (I'm sure some did) but I felt like this imposter who wasn't really a mom or who was a mom in name only. I still have those moments as a faux stay at home mom, of course-we all do!-but not all day every day, constantly. I don't have to cringe right now when I hear comments about how people love their kids too much to not stay home with them, I can nod in agreement when I hear admonitions that no one ever said on their death bed that they wished they spent more time at work, and I can feel like I am one of the primary influences in my kids' lives, rather than just some person on the periphery who never does enough and certainly is never there enough.
6. I have enjoyed sleeping. I don't sleep a lot, but WAY more than after I went back to work last time (I would say I was probably sleeping an average of 3-4 hours per night in 30-45 minute stretches due to Ben's need to nurse and make up for lost mommy time all night).
I know we will be okay. No one died last time, and Ben seems fairly well adjusted. We are going to have a rough first 5 weeks (that's the overlap between me going back to work and Josh finishing this very intense semester) but then it will probably get better, at least from a logistical standpoint and definitely MUCH easier for Josh. Thankfully, the schedule works to where Hadassah can come nurse at lunch (and I'm sure Ben will want to nurse then too) so that will help some. And yet, the cliff looms, a mere vacation's length away, and this time next week will be here before I know it. Oh, children, babies, I am so sorry....
I would like to just list a few things I have LOVED and have been so thankful for during maternity leave-aka, my stint of pretending to be a SAHM. I didn't know to appreciate these things with Ben because I didn't know what to compare them to. Now I know what I am in for and know to love these things for the sweet moments they have been. Oh, and for the record-at least for me, going back the second time is far, far worse than the first. Not only am I leaving TWO kids instead of one, I know with painful certainty how quickly time will fly and just how much I will miss.
1. I have so deeply enjoyed getting to know my son more deeply and teach him. He's at such a fun age where language is really starting to develop and it is SO fun to help him with that. The "fun" flip side is that there is also a lot of frustration and tantruming-but that is part of it, and I am learning with him how to deal with those. I am going to miss being able to help guide him on a daily basis.
2. It is nice to not RUSH all the time. Not that I'm not busy-I am amazed by how full my days are with the everyday (and how I LOVE even the mundaneness of everyday home life with my babies). But I have enjoyed not being jarred awake by the alarm, then stressing/rushing to get baby fed/changed and myself read (and maybe fed), out the door (do I have all the things I need? Especially pump parts), then rushing during my work day-stressing over which patient will be late at just the wrong time to make it impossible or difficult for me to pump, will I be able to do my paperwork fast enough to leave somewhat close to when I am supposed to be done, will an emergency come up that forces me to stay late, are my babies okay??? It is nice to BE and just take the day as it comes-with my kids.
3. I really love being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower by myself without crushing guilt. Now don't get me wrong-I can count the number of times I have showered alone these last 12 weeks on 1 hand (I am pretty sure 2 fingers, mayyyybe 3) and I don't often go to the bathroom alone either, but when I do, I don't feel horribly guilty the way I did when I was working (how dare I take away one more minute when I am already missing so much with them). When I am working, I feel the need to be 100% actively engaged with family every minute I am home, and when that just isn't possible, I struggle with immense guilt. It goes beyond not taking time for myself, as in crafts/hobbies, down time, etc.-I don't expect to have that in this stage of life, and I am okay with it. We're talking intense guilt over taking a 10 minute shower. Not fun.
4. I love that I have the weight of one or both of the kids in my arms nearly all the time. Hadassah has really been held for most of her life (mostly by me) and Ben also gets his fair share of snuggle time. I have so enjoyed holding them both, having quiet moments when one or both are drifting to sleep, whispered "I love yous". I will certainly still be able to hold them after I go back to work, but it will be in moments of beauty, not all day every day.
5. I love not feeling like a bad mom. When I was working, I felt like a bad mom all the time. I don't know if others thought that (I'm sure some did) but I felt like this imposter who wasn't really a mom or who was a mom in name only. I still have those moments as a faux stay at home mom, of course-we all do!-but not all day every day, constantly. I don't have to cringe right now when I hear comments about how people love their kids too much to not stay home with them, I can nod in agreement when I hear admonitions that no one ever said on their death bed that they wished they spent more time at work, and I can feel like I am one of the primary influences in my kids' lives, rather than just some person on the periphery who never does enough and certainly is never there enough.
6. I have enjoyed sleeping. I don't sleep a lot, but WAY more than after I went back to work last time (I would say I was probably sleeping an average of 3-4 hours per night in 30-45 minute stretches due to Ben's need to nurse and make up for lost mommy time all night).
I know we will be okay. No one died last time, and Ben seems fairly well adjusted. We are going to have a rough first 5 weeks (that's the overlap between me going back to work and Josh finishing this very intense semester) but then it will probably get better, at least from a logistical standpoint and definitely MUCH easier for Josh. Thankfully, the schedule works to where Hadassah can come nurse at lunch (and I'm sure Ben will want to nurse then too) so that will help some. And yet, the cliff looms, a mere vacation's length away, and this time next week will be here before I know it. Oh, children, babies, I am so sorry....
Thursday, March 13, 2014
Month 2 of Having 2!
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| 2 month photo! |
Hadassah officially turned 2 months old yesterday (Ben turned 21 months old the day before that)! Goodness, time is passing so quickly. It is so fun to see her grow, and yet I want it to slow down...just a little...especially because by the time her next "month birthday" comes I will be back to being a full time
I have so deeply loved being with my amazing, adorable, wonderful children these 2 months. It is so fun to form deeper bonds with them, and I have actually kind of enjoyed the challenge of trying to get the basic housework done with both of them. This month we have started venturing out a little bit (mostly to doctor's appointments, but also some to friends' houses, the park, etc.) which is definitely much more intimidating and challenging with 2 than 1! Especially because Ben is still young enough that he can't be trusted to necessarily stay with me in parking lots (or not throw a screaming fit in the middle of the doctor's office because I am directing him away from something he wants to explore). Thank goodness for babywearing. Seriously, I don't know how I would do the 2 babies without that! I can tie Ben to my back (double win-he loves it so no fits, I am in complete control of where he can and cannot go, and I am also able to limit what he can get into without fighting him-wait, that's a triple win!) and carry Hadassah in front. At times, I will tie Hadassah in front as well in order to mop the floor or do some other task that requires two hands.
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| Mopping day! |
I am really actually enjoying having 2 close together. So many people (when I was pregnant and now) will give me horrified looks when they learn how close together they are and say something along the lines of "wow, you are busy" or something else that really means "you are crazy and I am so so sooooo glad it's you and not me!" While they are certainly entitled to feel that way, I honestly love having the two so close in age. Really, the biggest "inconvenience" is how stinking fast we go through diapers! We were doing diaper laundry about every 2 days for a while-now it's about every 3, and I suspect it will stay there for a while-much more doable! But because they are both in baby stage still (less so with Ben, but still somewhat), there has been so much sweet time spent snuggling (either tandem nursing, or reading him a story while Hadassah nurses or sleeps), we have been able to triandem nap (love that!!), and the plus of 2 in diapers is we can just do big family diaper changes when the need arises!
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| Plus, these moments happen! |
So far the biggest challenge for me is lack of sleep. Hadassah is still a night owl, while Ben is a (super super) early morning bird. So in addition to the waking up all night, I've got one who likes to party til all hours (often past midnight) and one who likes to be up before 6! In some ways I guess it's good training for going back to work, in others...well, I wish I could rest up now! (not that sleep carries over or anything) On a lot of mornings, my amazing husband takes Ben out so I can catch another catnap before getting up, which helps tremendously!
New things Hadassah is doing this month:
Smiling back! We still have to work pretty hard to get it out of her, but she will smile back at us. And oh goodness-this girl is beautiful anyway, but a smile transforms her face into a pretty angelic one. I keep trying to capture it photographically and so far have had limited success. One day, I will show you!
She also coos back at us when we talk to her, which is pretty darn cute!
She still really loves snuggling, especially with Mommy, but is starting to do much better with letting other people hold her and wear her (this kid LOOOVVESSS being worn and definitely shows a preference for which wrap she loves best...unfortunately her favorite one isn't actually mine! Thankfully the friend whose wrap it actually is won't need it herself till August, so worst case, we've got a little bit to try to get her to fall in love with one that belongs to us).
She isn't taking a pacifier very well. She doesn't suck fingers either. I'm a little concerned about this for when I go back to work, since sucking is clearly very soothing for her. But maybe she will for someone who doesn't smell like milkies.
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| Hadassah's favorite wrap-it has the Celtic symbol for motherhood woven into it |
Oh, I love motherhood so much...I am so thankful to be in the "little babies" stage of my life. Of course it is not all sunshine and roses, there are challenges along the way, but overall I am truly thankful to be here right now!
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