I don't know why it is that motherhood has caused me to think of this...it's certainly not something that applies ONLY to motherhood, and it is also a concept that I think all of us have at least heard of before, but not one to which I had given more than a passing thought. Maybe I'm thinking of it now because I am realizing in an undeniable, sharp way how short "life" is...my child is developing normally so far, and passing through stages almost as quickly as I can take each one in! Anyway, I have been thinking about how we can choose what we are dwelling on/how we think about and view our lives. There are always the BUTs...
I don't sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time (sometimes much less) and probably not much more than 4-6 hours a night...BUT...I am able to rest my body during the day, I can take naps, and I can stay in bed as long as my baby will let me right now.
My baby does not like to be put down (I know this is a stage he will grow out of, and probably very soon!)...BUT...I get to snuggle him, smell him and kiss him as he sleeps peacefully on my chest, and he is so happy to be with me (none of these will last either! And don't worry...he practices sleeping by himself at least once a day).
My body still hurts (we have come to the conclusion after conversations with our midwife/doula and my doctor that I almost certainly have multiple torn ligaments and muscles in my pelvis as well as the actual external tearing, due to the speed of labor and delivery. All appears to be healing well, it's just slowing down the timeline for me to feel better and for my body to bounce back)...BUT...we are both safe, and whole, with no major birth or postpartum complications, and next time should be much kinder to my body even if the labor is the same.
Nursing is still pretty painful sometimes...BUT...it is much better than it was, and my baby is getting such adorable rolls and dimples!
It is really hard when Ben is crying or fussing and I can't figure out why...BUT...most of the time he is pretty happy, and we are learning to figure out what is wrong.
Ben is pretty clingy right now...he really wants his mommy a LOT (I think because I'm the one who nurses him)...BUT...this is also a stage that will pass, probably soon, and he won't always want me to touch him, let alone give lots of kisses on his chubby cheeks. And despite some times when I thought my maternity leave would be 2-6 weeks at most, I was granted almost a full FMLA maternity leave (despite not qualifying for it yet due to having only been at this job for 6 months), so I have been able to spend the last 7 weeks focused on him, and I have 4 more to do the same.
I do have to go back to work full time, at least for now...BUT....we are blessed to be able to live off of just my income, so Ben will have a parent home with him, and his grandma (who is pretty crazy about him) to help care for him when dad isn't available.
Anyway, as I said, none of this is new. It's not a new concept, or a new way of looking at things...it's the tried and true "glass is half full instead of half empty" outlook. But for some reason, I have been thinking about it quite a bit lately. What about you? What things can you look at in either light, and what helps you to focus on the "buts"?
On an unrelated note...if anyone has tips for managing postpartum skin changes (extreme dryness of the face, hands, and feet), please share!!!
Sorry there are no pictures...BUT...I am currently being pinned down by a happily snuggling baby. ;-) Rest assured, he is as cute as ever!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Monday, July 23, 2012
Oh my goodness...
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Redefining Normal
I think there has been a part of me that has wondered when we will go back to normal after Ben's arrival. Not that I have minded the time of rest (even forced rest...though, if I am honest, I am thoroughly ready to be in less pain and more active now!), and heaven knows I have loved getting to know/cuddling my son! But I had a thought today and would love feedback on it...
I don't think there is a "going back to normal" after a big life change. I'm not sure why I had that thought after having a baby. I certainly didn't have a thought of "I wonder when life will go back to normal" after Josh and I got married! I think instead, we get new normals. So right now, my "normal life" is nursing, and getting dressed, and nursing, and cuddling, and nursing, and soothing to sleep, and eating breakfast, and changing diapers, and nursing, and TRYING to drink enough water (any tips on this much appreciated!) and nursing some more...etc. Can you tell my baby likes to eat a lot?? Right now, nursing seems to be a full time job. It is kind of sad, but I felt very accomplished when I managed to do 2 loads of laundry (one a diaper load) and sweep the floor the other day (in addition to the taking care of the baby). Hopefully this is normal with a newborn...for sure it is normal with my newborn! He is very pleasant...but does not like to be put down. He rarely fusses...but he is not really able to fall asleep (or stay asleep long) on his own. He does like being held, snuggled, worn, and...did I mention nursing? :-)
I know this is a stage, and a new one will probably start soon (I imagine at some point we will add "interacting" or maybe even "playing" into the routine!). In a few weeks my "new normal life" will including going to work...which I am anticipating to be a huge transition (and yes, I'm dreading it for multiple reasons! But I keep reminding myself that many women work and mother, and their kids don't turn into serial killers or feel neglected. My kid is doubly lucky in that he will have family....my mom and his dad...taking care of him instead of a daycare.).
Anyway, I am wondering if looking forward and embracing "where we are" right now as what is normal and the way our life is at the moment is better and more productive than looking back and either longing for our old "normal life" (Josh and I will get to cuddle again one day, and even have coherent conversations...I WILL have the brain power for it again!) or living in guilt of remembering our old normal life (no, I'm not working a 9-12 hour day at a traditional job followed by cooking followed by school...I was nuts to ever do that by the way...but what I am doing now is just as valuable) and comparing ourselves, leading to self condemnation.
So, for now, I am going to enjoy my "new normal"...quick, before it changes again!
Daddy and baby in the moby...awwww
I really like these little bear jammies...
Yep, I spend lots of time doing this...while intermittently kissing those precious little tubby cheeks...which are quickly developing into jowls! :-)
I don't think there is a "going back to normal" after a big life change. I'm not sure why I had that thought after having a baby. I certainly didn't have a thought of "I wonder when life will go back to normal" after Josh and I got married! I think instead, we get new normals. So right now, my "normal life" is nursing, and getting dressed, and nursing, and cuddling, and nursing, and soothing to sleep, and eating breakfast, and changing diapers, and nursing, and TRYING to drink enough water (any tips on this much appreciated!) and nursing some more...etc. Can you tell my baby likes to eat a lot?? Right now, nursing seems to be a full time job. It is kind of sad, but I felt very accomplished when I managed to do 2 loads of laundry (one a diaper load) and sweep the floor the other day (in addition to the taking care of the baby). Hopefully this is normal with a newborn...for sure it is normal with my newborn! He is very pleasant...but does not like to be put down. He rarely fusses...but he is not really able to fall asleep (or stay asleep long) on his own. He does like being held, snuggled, worn, and...did I mention nursing? :-)
I know this is a stage, and a new one will probably start soon (I imagine at some point we will add "interacting" or maybe even "playing" into the routine!). In a few weeks my "new normal life" will including going to work...which I am anticipating to be a huge transition (and yes, I'm dreading it for multiple reasons! But I keep reminding myself that many women work and mother, and their kids don't turn into serial killers or feel neglected. My kid is doubly lucky in that he will have family....my mom and his dad...taking care of him instead of a daycare.).
Anyway, I am wondering if looking forward and embracing "where we are" right now as what is normal and the way our life is at the moment is better and more productive than looking back and either longing for our old "normal life" (Josh and I will get to cuddle again one day, and even have coherent conversations...I WILL have the brain power for it again!) or living in guilt of remembering our old normal life (no, I'm not working a 9-12 hour day at a traditional job followed by cooking followed by school...I was nuts to ever do that by the way...but what I am doing now is just as valuable) and comparing ourselves, leading to self condemnation.
So, for now, I am going to enjoy my "new normal"...quick, before it changes again!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
New Mommy Thoughts
Today is Ben's one-month birthday! Holy cow...I literally cannot believe I've had this precious little snuggler for a whole month. On the other hand, it feels very right to have him here. Weird, I know! I thought that the first month would go by slowly-especially when my doctor put me on bedrest for most of the first 3.5 weeks that he was here due to some postpartum complications! But no...it's amazing how full your life can be just from taking care of a little guy. I know I've said this before, but I am SO thankful for maternity leave (especially the extended one my boss gave me!). I know it will be a huge challenge to transition back to my role of primary breadwinner while learning how to continue my nurturing/mommy role and also be a good wife. It's nice to be able to put off that transition for a few months and truly have time to recover from pregnancy/birth as well as spend time cuddling.
Since I did several posts about things that surprised me about pregnancy, I thought I'd do one today about things that have surprised me about being a mother (so far). At first, I wondered if I needed to apologize that "baby" has taken over my blog and facebook...then I realized, they are MY blog and facebook, and baby is what is going on in my life right now. The reason I have the blog especially is to keep people who want to know updated on our lives. Also, everyone has the freedom to read or not read, to look or not look...so I'm just going to continue to reflect on baby as much as I like, and without apology! :-)
Okay, things that have surprised me so far:
1. Cloth diapering is a LOT easier than I thought it was. I think I was overly pessimistic about how hard it would be. It's really not that bad! I think part of that is that we have come a LONG way from the cloth diapers my grandmother used!! (she was telling me about them the other day...and I am so thankful to have the "new and improved" version instead! She was surprised by how straightforward they are, and different from the ones she had) It does add another step in that you have to wash them, but at least for this baby, I actually think cleaning him up after he goes to the bathroom is easier/works better with CDs than disposables since they are more absorbent.
2. Nursing is at once more challenging and more rewarding than I was expecting. I thought it would be easy, because I have known so many people who have done it, seemingly (from my perspective) without challenges or problems. Maybe this is just because I was looking at it from the outside and didn't really know to ask! The first few weeks were really hard...bleeding, labor breathing techniques, even crying while he was eating (what except a mother's love would prompt one to repeatedly volunteer for something so painful?!). I'm glad he wasn't old enough at that point to focus on my face and realize I wasn't happy! Now, it has gotten much better-not 100% pain free, ,but very tolerable (and no more bleeding!). And I love knowing that I am giving him something that is so good for him. It's fun to watch him gain weight and know that it's partly because he's eating good food. :-) And he makes the sweetest satisfied sounds while he eats. I really enjoy looking into his eyes (I know he's "too young" but I swear he sometimes smiles at me when we nurse, and only then!) and stroking his hair while he eats. Now, if I could just figure out why he sometimes spits up the entire feeding....
3. Getting up in the middle of the night is hard, but not as hard as I was afraid it would be. Part of this, I think, is that I am not working right now, so I can (and do) take naps with him during the day if needed. That will change when I go back to work, I'm sure. I don't necessarily love the fact that it's been FOREVER since I've slept more than 3-4 hours at a stretch (really not since the middle of my second trimester, I think!), but I do enjoy the quiet time with just the two of us while he eats. It's also nice prayer time. Note that I will not complain if he sleeps longer though!!!
4. I was absolutely shocked by how challenging postpartum recovery has been. I'm actually still struggling with a lot of pain, low energy, and inability to be very physically active-which is very weird for me. I haven't sat this much in...well, probably ever. While it does allow me to cuddle guilt free, it has been frustrating as well. For some reason, I was thinking I'd be back to normal in a week or two at most...instead here we are 4.5 weeks out from delivery and I don't feel even close! I'm not sure if I'm being a wimp, or what.
5. Wow this kid makes a lot of laundry! My definition of gross has changed ("Oh, it's just a little urine on my shorts...you can't even see it!") but still, between my clothes, his clothes, Josh's clothes, sheets, blankets...
Well, there are probably others, but they'll have to wait for another post...Ben is waking up and fussing, so it's time to do the diaper change/feed/snuggle thing again. :-) Hope all is well with everyone, and thanks for sharing this journey with us!
Newborn baby Ben...
And a photo taken last night! Holy cow, he's grown so much! And he's definitely his daddy's son...90th percentile for height (22 inches last week at his checkup) and 25th for weight-though I think he's put on a few ounces since then. :-)
Since I did several posts about things that surprised me about pregnancy, I thought I'd do one today about things that have surprised me about being a mother (so far). At first, I wondered if I needed to apologize that "baby" has taken over my blog and facebook...then I realized, they are MY blog and facebook, and baby is what is going on in my life right now. The reason I have the blog especially is to keep people who want to know updated on our lives. Also, everyone has the freedom to read or not read, to look or not look...so I'm just going to continue to reflect on baby as much as I like, and without apology! :-)
Okay, things that have surprised me so far:
1. Cloth diapering is a LOT easier than I thought it was. I think I was overly pessimistic about how hard it would be. It's really not that bad! I think part of that is that we have come a LONG way from the cloth diapers my grandmother used!! (she was telling me about them the other day...and I am so thankful to have the "new and improved" version instead! She was surprised by how straightforward they are, and different from the ones she had) It does add another step in that you have to wash them, but at least for this baby, I actually think cleaning him up after he goes to the bathroom is easier/works better with CDs than disposables since they are more absorbent.
2. Nursing is at once more challenging and more rewarding than I was expecting. I thought it would be easy, because I have known so many people who have done it, seemingly (from my perspective) without challenges or problems. Maybe this is just because I was looking at it from the outside and didn't really know to ask! The first few weeks were really hard...bleeding, labor breathing techniques, even crying while he was eating (what except a mother's love would prompt one to repeatedly volunteer for something so painful?!). I'm glad he wasn't old enough at that point to focus on my face and realize I wasn't happy! Now, it has gotten much better-not 100% pain free, ,but very tolerable (and no more bleeding!). And I love knowing that I am giving him something that is so good for him. It's fun to watch him gain weight and know that it's partly because he's eating good food. :-) And he makes the sweetest satisfied sounds while he eats. I really enjoy looking into his eyes (I know he's "too young" but I swear he sometimes smiles at me when we nurse, and only then!) and stroking his hair while he eats. Now, if I could just figure out why he sometimes spits up the entire feeding....
3. Getting up in the middle of the night is hard, but not as hard as I was afraid it would be. Part of this, I think, is that I am not working right now, so I can (and do) take naps with him during the day if needed. That will change when I go back to work, I'm sure. I don't necessarily love the fact that it's been FOREVER since I've slept more than 3-4 hours at a stretch (really not since the middle of my second trimester, I think!), but I do enjoy the quiet time with just the two of us while he eats. It's also nice prayer time. Note that I will not complain if he sleeps longer though!!!
4. I was absolutely shocked by how challenging postpartum recovery has been. I'm actually still struggling with a lot of pain, low energy, and inability to be very physically active-which is very weird for me. I haven't sat this much in...well, probably ever. While it does allow me to cuddle guilt free, it has been frustrating as well. For some reason, I was thinking I'd be back to normal in a week or two at most...instead here we are 4.5 weeks out from delivery and I don't feel even close! I'm not sure if I'm being a wimp, or what.
5. Wow this kid makes a lot of laundry! My definition of gross has changed ("Oh, it's just a little urine on my shorts...you can't even see it!") but still, between my clothes, his clothes, Josh's clothes, sheets, blankets...
Well, there are probably others, but they'll have to wait for another post...Ben is waking up and fussing, so it's time to do the diaper change/feed/snuggle thing again. :-) Hope all is well with everyone, and thanks for sharing this journey with us!
And a photo taken last night! Holy cow, he's grown so much! And he's definitely his daddy's son...90th percentile for height (22 inches last week at his checkup) and 25th for weight-though I think he's put on a few ounces since then. :-) Sunday, June 24, 2012
Cherish the Moment...
Because of Ben's precipitous birth, I've had a few postpartum complications. Apparently, although my tear was only second degree, it was very deep (degree only tells you length, not depth, and apparently I tore most of the way through my pelvic floor, requiring several layers of stitches)...which makes the long repair (over an hour) make much more sense! I've had quite a bit of ongoing pain (the doctor wanted to give me Percocet...I declined because I didn't want to be groggy, but I'm on high doses of Motrin) from that. A few days after we came home, I started bleeding more and also passing large clots. The doctor put me on modified bedrest-I'm allowed to sit up to feed the baby, stand up to go to the bathroom and shower, and other than that, I'm supposed to be reclined or lying down. I will admit that I "cheat" occasionally to change the baby's diaper or refill my water bottle as well. :-)
In some ways, complying with these restrictions is relatively easy-I am tired and standing or sitting are still quite painful. In other ways...well, let's just say I haven't been this physically inactive since I was a teen (I had just had surgery). I don't have a specific "end time" for this restriction-basically, when I can be up more without having sharp increases in pain and/or bleeding, I can slowly work my way back into activity. We're hoping just another week or so. Overall, though, I think this is a good thing. This has forced me to slow down. I could easily see myself pushing it physically...our messy house is driving me crazy, and there are lots of things that "need" to be done...I could see myself using this maternity leave time to get projects done, clean the house, be out and about, etc. And honestly, I desperately need/needed rest on a spiritual, physical, and emotional level!
Instead, I am "forced" to spend hours snuggling with my son. I love it. I love stroking his indescribably soft hair. I think I could look at his face forever. I love smiling down into his upturned smoky blue eyes while he nurses. I love softly stroking the dark hair on his shoulders and back (yeah, I birthed a Neanderthal) while whispering, "I love you." I love the way he snuggles against me and sighs contentedly after he has eaten and burped. Kissing his sweet cheeks, burying my nose in his hair, holding his hand...I think Josh thinks I am nuts. His comment the other day was, "I don't know if I would be that into someone who has pretty much just caused me pain and discomfort!" I don't know how to explain it, but I am!
Sometimes tears fill my eyes as I look at my precious baby and realize how quickly time is flying. How has he been here 2 weeks already??? And I know I will blink and it will be time to go back to work. That will be so hard for my heart...at least I now have a job with normal working hours. There is a part of me that dearly wishes we could freeze here for a while, that we could stay here, where my full time job is to love my baby and my husband, and there isn't much I can do to mess Ben up. His needs are pretty much purely physical right now-the hard part, I know, comes later. Perspective is a funny thing...a friend of mine answered the question of "What would you do if you had unlimited funds?" with "Hire a nanny!"...my answer to that question would be, "Stay home with my child(ren)!" I don't know if this is a "grass is greener" issue, my heart being rebellious against what I have to do to support my husband as the Lord commands, or hormonal. Or all of the above! Either way, I could use prayer here, clearly!
However, it is not for us to freeze time. Nor should we seek to do so...each season will have blessings and joy...how fun it will be when he smiles back at me, moves purposefully, whispers "I love you" back! Oh, and less pain will be nice too! I hope I will learn to be a better and better parent as he grows older and needs more than just physical parenting. For now, I will try to consciously choose to treasure each moment of the remaining 9 weeks of my maternity leave instead of mourning the separation to come!
Oh, and to be clear, I know SAHMs work hard and the rest thing is temporary either way!!
In some ways, complying with these restrictions is relatively easy-I am tired and standing or sitting are still quite painful. In other ways...well, let's just say I haven't been this physically inactive since I was a teen (I had just had surgery). I don't have a specific "end time" for this restriction-basically, when I can be up more without having sharp increases in pain and/or bleeding, I can slowly work my way back into activity. We're hoping just another week or so. Overall, though, I think this is a good thing. This has forced me to slow down. I could easily see myself pushing it physically...our messy house is driving me crazy, and there are lots of things that "need" to be done...I could see myself using this maternity leave time to get projects done, clean the house, be out and about, etc. And honestly, I desperately need/needed rest on a spiritual, physical, and emotional level!
Instead, I am "forced" to spend hours snuggling with my son. I love it. I love stroking his indescribably soft hair. I think I could look at his face forever. I love smiling down into his upturned smoky blue eyes while he nurses. I love softly stroking the dark hair on his shoulders and back (yeah, I birthed a Neanderthal) while whispering, "I love you." I love the way he snuggles against me and sighs contentedly after he has eaten and burped. Kissing his sweet cheeks, burying my nose in his hair, holding his hand...I think Josh thinks I am nuts. His comment the other day was, "I don't know if I would be that into someone who has pretty much just caused me pain and discomfort!" I don't know how to explain it, but I am!
Sometimes tears fill my eyes as I look at my precious baby and realize how quickly time is flying. How has he been here 2 weeks already??? And I know I will blink and it will be time to go back to work. That will be so hard for my heart...at least I now have a job with normal working hours. There is a part of me that dearly wishes we could freeze here for a while, that we could stay here, where my full time job is to love my baby and my husband, and there isn't much I can do to mess Ben up. His needs are pretty much purely physical right now-the hard part, I know, comes later. Perspective is a funny thing...a friend of mine answered the question of "What would you do if you had unlimited funds?" with "Hire a nanny!"...my answer to that question would be, "Stay home with my child(ren)!" I don't know if this is a "grass is greener" issue, my heart being rebellious against what I have to do to support my husband as the Lord commands, or hormonal. Or all of the above! Either way, I could use prayer here, clearly!
However, it is not for us to freeze time. Nor should we seek to do so...each season will have blessings and joy...how fun it will be when he smiles back at me, moves purposefully, whispers "I love you" back! Oh, and less pain will be nice too! I hope I will learn to be a better and better parent as he grows older and needs more than just physical parenting. For now, I will try to consciously choose to treasure each moment of the remaining 9 weeks of my maternity leave instead of mourning the separation to come!
Oh, and to be clear, I know SAHMs work hard and the rest thing is temporary either way!!
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
A great hospital birth experience
When I was pregnant, I read a LOT of birth stories. I guess it's just what was interesting to me, and also I wanted to have an idea of what to expect, especially since I was hoping for an unmedicated delivery. I was disappointed in what was available because there are VERY few positive natural birth stories out there that took place in the hospital. In fact, most hospital based stories end with "next time I will birth at home" and many homebirth stories start with a horror story about a past hospital delivery that convinced the mom that birthing at home was her only option. I found this kind of discouraging, so I want to list some of the ways that our hospital experience was really great (in fact, when it was all over, Josh and I both looked at each other and said, "I am so glad we were not at home for that!"). Now, please understand, I am NOT condemning homebirth at all-I think it is great if the woman is comfortable with that. I really think this is one of those areas where there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach...some women will do better at home, some at the hospital, some at a birthing center.
My original plan was to use a midwife-run birthing center in Austin. However, when we moved in the middle of my pregnancy, it became clear that the options were true homebirth or hospital birth. There is a birthing center here, but it is nearly 3 hours away-we didn't feel that would be a good option. I was just not comfortable doing a true home birth with my first child, so we decided to go with a hospital birth, and we tried to stack the odds in our favor as much as possible. We went with a family practice physician who is known to be very natural birth friendly (his wife had both of their children naturally) instead of OB-my reasoning being that since he can't do C-sections, hopefully he will know a lot about preventing them! We hired a doula who was a little expensive, but also is a lay midwife, and so is very knowledgeable about the birth process-and she has been a doula in many scenarios, including many hospital births. I read a LOT and tried to educate myself as much as possible.
Anyway, we were VERY pleased with our hospital experience, for the following reasons:
1. Even though we were having some kind of emergent situations there at first (see Ben's birth story for more details), everyone was very supportive of our desire to birth vaginally, and naturally. The OB resident read our birth plan very carefully, and I think that one of the reasons we were allowed to continue monitoring instead of just going to a C-section (provided Ben's heart stabilized within 5 minutes on its own-which it always did) is because she knew we wanted to birth vaginally if at all possible. She explained everything very thoroughly and made us feel that we were part of the process. She and the family practice resident were constantly working together to try to keep us up to date and try to go with as much as they could from our birth plan (we had to toss a few minor points out the window-I was attached to an IV and fetal monitor the whole time-but they did allow me to move around, change positions, etc.).
2. The nurses (both L & D and postpartum) were beyond great! The first one we had never chided me for changing positions, even though almost every time I did, she had to come back in and find the baby again with the fetal monitor. She helped me find comfortable positions, suggested ways to deal with the nausea, and even hand-held the monitor for about an hour because the only position that it would stay on the baby was no longer tolerable for me. Everyone was very attentive, helpful, suggested comfort measures, etc. On postpartum, our night nurse both nights was a lactation consultant, and really helpful in teaching Ben and me how to eat (I didn't know that was so complicated!). We are still having some mild issues with that, but she got us off to a good start. Everyone was so nice to us and really went out of their way to do everything we wanted. They knew we wanted to stay with the baby, so almost all tests and exams were done at my bedside instead of (their normal) the nursery. They also encouraged us to kangaroo care as much as we wanted (skin to skin) and though they caught us cosleeping several times, no one minded!
3. Our doctor was very encouraging and gentle during the whole birth process. Another great thing about him being family practice-he can take care of Ben too! It was so encouraging to have his gentle encouragement during pushing...when Josh said "Jenn, Dr. K is here!" it made me feel much better even though I was really pretty out of it at that point. There was no shouting, and he gave pushing tips but let me push how I wanted. He also helped me try different positions-we started in sidelying, then switched to quadruped when that wasn't comfortable anymore. I finally pushed the little guy out in tall kneeling because quadruped slowed the descent. They were working on getting a squatting bar up so I could try that, but Ben came too fast to get that installed.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I am so thankful that we had such a great experience at the hospital. I don't know if that hospital is just better than average, or it's because of the great management from our natural birth friendly doctor, or if it was just the hand of the Lord directing everything (or all of the above) but I really feel that for us, the hospital birth was the right choice. The hard things about the labor/delivery had to do with my perceptions (and the monitor!) more than the setting. I hope the last post didn't make it sound like I was disappointed or sad about the birth experience...I really wasn't, just was chronicling raw emotions as I felt them. And even now, just over a week out and still pretty sore and processing, I know I will want to do this again one day. :-)
Just for fun...3 days before I delivered Ben...(little did I know!)
And 4 days after....
And my treasure! Sooo worth it! :-)
My original plan was to use a midwife-run birthing center in Austin. However, when we moved in the middle of my pregnancy, it became clear that the options were true homebirth or hospital birth. There is a birthing center here, but it is nearly 3 hours away-we didn't feel that would be a good option. I was just not comfortable doing a true home birth with my first child, so we decided to go with a hospital birth, and we tried to stack the odds in our favor as much as possible. We went with a family practice physician who is known to be very natural birth friendly (his wife had both of their children naturally) instead of OB-my reasoning being that since he can't do C-sections, hopefully he will know a lot about preventing them! We hired a doula who was a little expensive, but also is a lay midwife, and so is very knowledgeable about the birth process-and she has been a doula in many scenarios, including many hospital births. I read a LOT and tried to educate myself as much as possible.
Anyway, we were VERY pleased with our hospital experience, for the following reasons:
1. Even though we were having some kind of emergent situations there at first (see Ben's birth story for more details), everyone was very supportive of our desire to birth vaginally, and naturally. The OB resident read our birth plan very carefully, and I think that one of the reasons we were allowed to continue monitoring instead of just going to a C-section (provided Ben's heart stabilized within 5 minutes on its own-which it always did) is because she knew we wanted to birth vaginally if at all possible. She explained everything very thoroughly and made us feel that we were part of the process. She and the family practice resident were constantly working together to try to keep us up to date and try to go with as much as they could from our birth plan (we had to toss a few minor points out the window-I was attached to an IV and fetal monitor the whole time-but they did allow me to move around, change positions, etc.).
2. The nurses (both L & D and postpartum) were beyond great! The first one we had never chided me for changing positions, even though almost every time I did, she had to come back in and find the baby again with the fetal monitor. She helped me find comfortable positions, suggested ways to deal with the nausea, and even hand-held the monitor for about an hour because the only position that it would stay on the baby was no longer tolerable for me. Everyone was very attentive, helpful, suggested comfort measures, etc. On postpartum, our night nurse both nights was a lactation consultant, and really helpful in teaching Ben and me how to eat (I didn't know that was so complicated!). We are still having some mild issues with that, but she got us off to a good start. Everyone was so nice to us and really went out of their way to do everything we wanted. They knew we wanted to stay with the baby, so almost all tests and exams were done at my bedside instead of (their normal) the nursery. They also encouraged us to kangaroo care as much as we wanted (skin to skin) and though they caught us cosleeping several times, no one minded!
3. Our doctor was very encouraging and gentle during the whole birth process. Another great thing about him being family practice-he can take care of Ben too! It was so encouraging to have his gentle encouragement during pushing...when Josh said "Jenn, Dr. K is here!" it made me feel much better even though I was really pretty out of it at that point. There was no shouting, and he gave pushing tips but let me push how I wanted. He also helped me try different positions-we started in sidelying, then switched to quadruped when that wasn't comfortable anymore. I finally pushed the little guy out in tall kneeling because quadruped slowed the descent. They were working on getting a squatting bar up so I could try that, but Ben came too fast to get that installed.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I am so thankful that we had such a great experience at the hospital. I don't know if that hospital is just better than average, or it's because of the great management from our natural birth friendly doctor, or if it was just the hand of the Lord directing everything (or all of the above) but I really feel that for us, the hospital birth was the right choice. The hard things about the labor/delivery had to do with my perceptions (and the monitor!) more than the setting. I hope the last post didn't make it sound like I was disappointed or sad about the birth experience...I really wasn't, just was chronicling raw emotions as I felt them. And even now, just over a week out and still pretty sore and processing, I know I will want to do this again one day. :-)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Not what I expected...the birth story of Beniah James
I'm writing this down now because I'm afraid it will be like my wedding day...I thought I would never forget a moment, but then details started slipping away. I haven't processed a lot of this, so don't expect any earthshattering or deep thoughts...this is pretty much historical only. Also, I'm not going to be ridiculously graphic, but I'm also not going to overly censor myself. So if you don't want to read words like "vernix, vagina, or mucous plug" don't proceed any further. It's also long! You have been warned!
So Sunday, June 10th, I noticed a change in my discharge that I thought MIGHT have been my water breaking. We called our doula (who is also a midwife) to ask her what she thought...I didn't want to be the boy who cried wolf and I have no idea what it actually would look or be like to have my water break. Internet searches don't help...you see everything from the "water main burst" that is popular in movies to the barest trickle that may not be detectable. She thought it sounded like that was maybe what was going on, so hopefully labor would start soon. We put the carseat in the car, looked up some Scripture to use during birth, and relaxed around the house for the rest of the day. Nothing happened.
Side note: I am GBS-positive, and apparently pretty heavily colonized. Not a huge deal, except that I was supposed to get 2 doses of IV penicillin during labor-this would prevent me from passing it to the baby. So our birth plan was to labor at home until we guesstimated that I was about 4 hours from delivery and then head to the hospital where I would get the penicillin and then push him out. Our goal was little monitoring, little intervention, and no pain medication.
Anyway, that evening she called us and said that since it had been 12 hours since my water might have broken, we should probably go to L&D triage to be assessed. If they hadn't broken, we could just go home (this is what we all thought would happen). If they had, we could look at our options then-it isn't good to have broken waters for too long with GBS because of the risk for infection. So we headed in.
As per the usual (I've been to L&D with what I thought were contractions several times this pregnancy), the nurse introduced herself, had me change to a hospital gown, and then hooked me up to a fetal heart rate monitor and a contraction monitor. "Hmmm," she said. "Can you flip to the left? Now the right? No, come back toward me." (I've read enough to know that this is not a great sign) Then she hit the red "panic" button and said in a scared voice, "I need help in here NOW!"
Within minutes there were at least 6 people in the room, making me flip, giving the baby a scalp massage through my vagina, pushing on my uterus from the outside, and making me sign consent forms for anesthesia while using words like "emergency crash Caesarean." Apparently, his heart rate had dropped into the 60s (less than half of what it should have been) and stayed there for about 5 minutes. Thankfully, it came back up and settled into what looked like a healthy pattern. In relieved voices, they told me that he looked stable for the moment, but I wasn't going home. They wanted to monitor me for 24 hours. If he didn't do it again, they would assume it was a coincidence or fluke and if he did, we might need to talk emergency C-section or at the very least, a labor induction. We called our doula and had her meet us there. They checked, and didn't think my waters broke, so at least that was ruled out as a potential problem. They checked my cervix, and I was dilated to a 1, 50% effaced, and he was at a -3 station-so pretty much not in labor.
Long story short, he "crashed" like that 3 more times in the next 4 hours, leading to alarms, panic, multiple people flipping, pushing, and shoving on me to get him to "come back", and had all the staff and our doula so convinced that we were going to have to crash section us to save his life that they had started medication preps (going so far as to hang but not start a general anesthetic) and prepared an OR. He recovered each time, but my doula was pretty sure that a crash section was in our future, and started preparing me for a surgical birth. At that point, I didn't care. I wanted him out safely and healthy, and would have done anything to make that happen.
He stabilized for the rest of the night, so they allowed me to start using the bathroom on my own (thank goodness-they had hyperhydrated me with 3.5 liters of IV fluid in the event of needing to do an emergency delivery). I became very uncomfortable around 3 AM, going to the bathroom what felt like every 5 minutes, not being able to find a comfortable position in bed, and having what felt like strong menstrual cramps with nausea. At first, I didn't think anything of this because I have had these symptoms on and off (but often at night) for weeks. I told the nurse, just so she would be up to date, but didn't figure it was anything significant. The contraction monitor wasn't picking up any contractions at all.
Soon I had to wake Josh up and have him apply some counterpressure to my low back. Then I started having to breathe through the cramps. They were still manageable but I really had to concentrate to get through them. They also started coming closer together-in fact, I remember thinking "Aren't I supposed to get a 5-10 minute break between contractions in early labor??" I couldn't have been getting more than 2 minutes in between 1 minute long cramps-at most. Still nothing on the contraction monitor.
Then around 7 AM, the physicians on call came in and started talking to me about induction of labor. With the multiple times Ben had crashed in the night, they just weren't comfortable sending me home. Also, my blood pressure was higher the last few readings (which were done in the middle of what I now know where contractions). I nodded to get them to go away, because I was concentrating on breathing through the now pretty painful and pressure-y cramping, but remember thinking "Why do you have to induce labor? I think I'm in labor!" My doula convinced them to check my cervix. 1.5 cm, 60% effaced, and baby at a -1 station. So not much change, except that he had moved down. Because of this, she convinced them to wait 1 hour and recheck. If I wasn't making progress, we could start talking about Pitocin. They agreed and left. It was probably about 7:45 AM.
Then I started really having intense pains that I couldn't just breathe through. I was moaning. I went to the bathroom (AGAIN!) and just started crying. All I could think was, "I am not even having real contractions yet (still nothing on the monitor) and I don't know if I can do this for 12-24 hours or longer! Was I insane to think I could birth unmedicated?" Josh followed me into the bathroom and I just leaned forward and cried on him. I whispered, "I don't think I can do this!" I felt awful-these were things women were supposed to think and feel in transition (8-10 cm of dilation), not the very beginning of labor-the "gentle part"! What was wrong with me? I have dealt with some pretty intense pain in my life (physically) and I really thought I would handle this better.
I tried kneeling, sitting, standing-nothing was comfortable, everything made more pressure, and I felt like someone was scraping my insides with a fork whose tines were made of razor blades. If anything, I was now having 30-60 seconds between contractions that lasted 90 seconds-and still nothing on the stupid monitor! I went to the bathroom again and couldn't get off the toilet. Suddenly, the contractions started coming on top of each other-literally. One would peak, and as it peaked, the next one started, and it peaked immediately after the peak for the prior one ended, and so on. I started screaming and begging Josh to help me, do something, get someone in there, I can't do this, I want an epidural NOW (remember, I'm still thinking I have a good 12-24 hours to go), please, I'll do anything you ask, I just need help! (I'm really kind of embarrassed about this part) My doula got the nurse and suggested we might want to hang the penicillin because it looked like I was in active labor and going fast. Then they got me on a birthing ball in an attempt to make me more comfortable (after at least 2 people peeled me off the toilet and dragged me back to the room because I could not do it myself). The nurse went to get the penicillin.
I did about 5 contractions on the ball...everyone kept telling me to relax between contractions-but there was no in between contractions. None whatsoever. I remember moaning, "I thought I was supposed to have little breaks" and crying, and begging some more. Still nothing on the monitor. My doula started palpating my contractions as she realized what was going on. The nurse walked back in with the penicillin and I suddenly lunged/leaped up off the birthing ball and leaned on the bed, shrieking (I did not choose to do this-my body did it for me). I felt like I had to push-badly. My doula said the baby was coming down so fast she could see the bones in my spine arching, rippling, and bulging out. She told the nurse we better check me again, and the nurse didn't seem convinced. It had only been 25 minutes since my last cervical check which showed almost no progress and her paper strips weren't showing her any contractions. But based on my doula's insistence and the way I was acting, she told me to get up on the bed so she could check.
Um. Not happening. I wasn't capable of doing anything except standing on the floor, leaning over the bed, and groaning/shrieking through contractions. She finally just checked it with me standing there. "Oh!" she said in kind of a panicky voice, "I don't feel any cervix, and his head is RIGHT HERE with no water bag!" (apparently it broke at some point)
Just then my doctor happened to walk in-he was doing his normal morning hospital rounds and came in to check on me. He didn't even know I was in labor-just that I was admitted to the hospital for monitoring. "Dr. K," the nurse said hurriedly, "She is complete and she needs to push."
I was helped/shoved up onto the bed on my side so he could check, and sure enough, I had gone from 1.5 to complete in 25 minutes. They said I could start pushing whenever I wanted. So I did. I made way more noise than I ever thought I would-I am not normally a loud person, but I couldn't help it! (my throat is still hoarse from all the screaming-so embarrassing!) Pushing took about 30 minutes, and I did tear because his heart rate started dropping again, so we had to get him out fast! Stitching up the tear actually took longer and was almost more painful than pushing (no anesthetic).
Anyway, he is here now! He is healthy, and I am sore and exhausted, but okay. So much for my birth plan! I think that all those decels were just Ben's/God's way of keeping us in the hospital-if we waited till we knew I was in labor to head in, he would have been born in the car or elevator. We are staying in the hospital for 2 days because there wasn't time for antibiotics, but we are okay. My doula (from her palpations) thinks I had the same number of contractions in that hour or so of really intense stuff as most women have over 12-24 hours.
Was it worth it? Yes. Absolutely. Would I do it again for him? Yes. Do I want to do it again soon? No way! Maybe someday, but not soon. Anyway, we are in love, and I think we had the best experience we could given what happened. The hospital staff has been great, and were very supportive of our birth plan, doing everything they could to stick with it (some things, like intermittent monitoring, had to go out the window because of the decels).
So Sunday, June 10th, I noticed a change in my discharge that I thought MIGHT have been my water breaking. We called our doula (who is also a midwife) to ask her what she thought...I didn't want to be the boy who cried wolf and I have no idea what it actually would look or be like to have my water break. Internet searches don't help...you see everything from the "water main burst" that is popular in movies to the barest trickle that may not be detectable. She thought it sounded like that was maybe what was going on, so hopefully labor would start soon. We put the carseat in the car, looked up some Scripture to use during birth, and relaxed around the house for the rest of the day. Nothing happened.
Side note: I am GBS-positive, and apparently pretty heavily colonized. Not a huge deal, except that I was supposed to get 2 doses of IV penicillin during labor-this would prevent me from passing it to the baby. So our birth plan was to labor at home until we guesstimated that I was about 4 hours from delivery and then head to the hospital where I would get the penicillin and then push him out. Our goal was little monitoring, little intervention, and no pain medication.
Anyway, that evening she called us and said that since it had been 12 hours since my water might have broken, we should probably go to L&D triage to be assessed. If they hadn't broken, we could just go home (this is what we all thought would happen). If they had, we could look at our options then-it isn't good to have broken waters for too long with GBS because of the risk for infection. So we headed in.
As per the usual (I've been to L&D with what I thought were contractions several times this pregnancy), the nurse introduced herself, had me change to a hospital gown, and then hooked me up to a fetal heart rate monitor and a contraction monitor. "Hmmm," she said. "Can you flip to the left? Now the right? No, come back toward me." (I've read enough to know that this is not a great sign) Then she hit the red "panic" button and said in a scared voice, "I need help in here NOW!"
Within minutes there were at least 6 people in the room, making me flip, giving the baby a scalp massage through my vagina, pushing on my uterus from the outside, and making me sign consent forms for anesthesia while using words like "emergency crash Caesarean." Apparently, his heart rate had dropped into the 60s (less than half of what it should have been) and stayed there for about 5 minutes. Thankfully, it came back up and settled into what looked like a healthy pattern. In relieved voices, they told me that he looked stable for the moment, but I wasn't going home. They wanted to monitor me for 24 hours. If he didn't do it again, they would assume it was a coincidence or fluke and if he did, we might need to talk emergency C-section or at the very least, a labor induction. We called our doula and had her meet us there. They checked, and didn't think my waters broke, so at least that was ruled out as a potential problem. They checked my cervix, and I was dilated to a 1, 50% effaced, and he was at a -3 station-so pretty much not in labor.
Long story short, he "crashed" like that 3 more times in the next 4 hours, leading to alarms, panic, multiple people flipping, pushing, and shoving on me to get him to "come back", and had all the staff and our doula so convinced that we were going to have to crash section us to save his life that they had started medication preps (going so far as to hang but not start a general anesthetic) and prepared an OR. He recovered each time, but my doula was pretty sure that a crash section was in our future, and started preparing me for a surgical birth. At that point, I didn't care. I wanted him out safely and healthy, and would have done anything to make that happen.
He stabilized for the rest of the night, so they allowed me to start using the bathroom on my own (thank goodness-they had hyperhydrated me with 3.5 liters of IV fluid in the event of needing to do an emergency delivery). I became very uncomfortable around 3 AM, going to the bathroom what felt like every 5 minutes, not being able to find a comfortable position in bed, and having what felt like strong menstrual cramps with nausea. At first, I didn't think anything of this because I have had these symptoms on and off (but often at night) for weeks. I told the nurse, just so she would be up to date, but didn't figure it was anything significant. The contraction monitor wasn't picking up any contractions at all.
Soon I had to wake Josh up and have him apply some counterpressure to my low back. Then I started having to breathe through the cramps. They were still manageable but I really had to concentrate to get through them. They also started coming closer together-in fact, I remember thinking "Aren't I supposed to get a 5-10 minute break between contractions in early labor??" I couldn't have been getting more than 2 minutes in between 1 minute long cramps-at most. Still nothing on the contraction monitor.
Then around 7 AM, the physicians on call came in and started talking to me about induction of labor. With the multiple times Ben had crashed in the night, they just weren't comfortable sending me home. Also, my blood pressure was higher the last few readings (which were done in the middle of what I now know where contractions). I nodded to get them to go away, because I was concentrating on breathing through the now pretty painful and pressure-y cramping, but remember thinking "Why do you have to induce labor? I think I'm in labor!" My doula convinced them to check my cervix. 1.5 cm, 60% effaced, and baby at a -1 station. So not much change, except that he had moved down. Because of this, she convinced them to wait 1 hour and recheck. If I wasn't making progress, we could start talking about Pitocin. They agreed and left. It was probably about 7:45 AM.
Then I started really having intense pains that I couldn't just breathe through. I was moaning. I went to the bathroom (AGAIN!) and just started crying. All I could think was, "I am not even having real contractions yet (still nothing on the monitor) and I don't know if I can do this for 12-24 hours or longer! Was I insane to think I could birth unmedicated?" Josh followed me into the bathroom and I just leaned forward and cried on him. I whispered, "I don't think I can do this!" I felt awful-these were things women were supposed to think and feel in transition (8-10 cm of dilation), not the very beginning of labor-the "gentle part"! What was wrong with me? I have dealt with some pretty intense pain in my life (physically) and I really thought I would handle this better.
I tried kneeling, sitting, standing-nothing was comfortable, everything made more pressure, and I felt like someone was scraping my insides with a fork whose tines were made of razor blades. If anything, I was now having 30-60 seconds between contractions that lasted 90 seconds-and still nothing on the stupid monitor! I went to the bathroom again and couldn't get off the toilet. Suddenly, the contractions started coming on top of each other-literally. One would peak, and as it peaked, the next one started, and it peaked immediately after the peak for the prior one ended, and so on. I started screaming and begging Josh to help me, do something, get someone in there, I can't do this, I want an epidural NOW (remember, I'm still thinking I have a good 12-24 hours to go), please, I'll do anything you ask, I just need help! (I'm really kind of embarrassed about this part) My doula got the nurse and suggested we might want to hang the penicillin because it looked like I was in active labor and going fast. Then they got me on a birthing ball in an attempt to make me more comfortable (after at least 2 people peeled me off the toilet and dragged me back to the room because I could not do it myself). The nurse went to get the penicillin.
I did about 5 contractions on the ball...everyone kept telling me to relax between contractions-but there was no in between contractions. None whatsoever. I remember moaning, "I thought I was supposed to have little breaks" and crying, and begging some more. Still nothing on the monitor. My doula started palpating my contractions as she realized what was going on. The nurse walked back in with the penicillin and I suddenly lunged/leaped up off the birthing ball and leaned on the bed, shrieking (I did not choose to do this-my body did it for me). I felt like I had to push-badly. My doula said the baby was coming down so fast she could see the bones in my spine arching, rippling, and bulging out. She told the nurse we better check me again, and the nurse didn't seem convinced. It had only been 25 minutes since my last cervical check which showed almost no progress and her paper strips weren't showing her any contractions. But based on my doula's insistence and the way I was acting, she told me to get up on the bed so she could check.
Um. Not happening. I wasn't capable of doing anything except standing on the floor, leaning over the bed, and groaning/shrieking through contractions. She finally just checked it with me standing there. "Oh!" she said in kind of a panicky voice, "I don't feel any cervix, and his head is RIGHT HERE with no water bag!" (apparently it broke at some point)
Just then my doctor happened to walk in-he was doing his normal morning hospital rounds and came in to check on me. He didn't even know I was in labor-just that I was admitted to the hospital for monitoring. "Dr. K," the nurse said hurriedly, "She is complete and she needs to push."
I was helped/shoved up onto the bed on my side so he could check, and sure enough, I had gone from 1.5 to complete in 25 minutes. They said I could start pushing whenever I wanted. So I did. I made way more noise than I ever thought I would-I am not normally a loud person, but I couldn't help it! (my throat is still hoarse from all the screaming-so embarrassing!) Pushing took about 30 minutes, and I did tear because his heart rate started dropping again, so we had to get him out fast! Stitching up the tear actually took longer and was almost more painful than pushing (no anesthetic).
Was it worth it? Yes. Absolutely. Would I do it again for him? Yes. Do I want to do it again soon? No way! Maybe someday, but not soon. Anyway, we are in love, and I think we had the best experience we could given what happened. The hospital staff has been great, and were very supportive of our birth plan, doing everything they could to stick with it (some things, like intermittent monitoring, had to go out the window because of the decels).
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