Marathon vs Sprint?

I have had no less than 10 people ask me whose labor I preferred: Ben's or Hadassah's? While I hate to use overutilized running analogies, the 2 births can really only be compared to a sprint (Ben) vs a marathon (Hadassah). Same activity, roughly the same end result, but 2 very different methods of arriving! It's still hard to compare the 2, really, because some things were just intrinsically different with Hadassah because I had birthed before so I kind of knew what was going on (the hardest thing with Ben's birth was not knowing what was going on for much of it because it was outside of anything I had prepared myself for or read about). Still, for those of you who are morbidly curious, here goes!
How long was I in labor with each? With Ben, I was checked just as I started to feel contractions and was 1 cm dilated, 50% effaced, with baby at -1 station. 20 minutes later, I was complete and ready to push. 25 minutes after that, he flew into entered the world (yeah. 45 minutes. Told you it was a sprint.). With Hadassah, the question of how long I was in labor is a little harder to determine. If you count from when I started having contractions 3-5 minutes apart, 24 hours a day, it was 21 days. If you count from when things started to noticably pick up/become more intense, it was 32 hours. If you count (as I usually do) from the time of the first documented cervical change, it was 17 hours (I usually count from this one because that's when the "marathon" of standing, walking, squatting, swaying, bouncing, etc. began) with 15 minutes of pushing.
Both labors started on their own, neither were augmented with drugs in any way, I did not use pain medication/epidurals, etc. for either one, I spent my entire labor in the hospital with both, and both resulted in a healthy baby and a happy Mommy.
That said, I will take the marathon over the sprint any day.
The benefit of going quickly is that...well, it is over quickly. That's about it. Going from not being in labor straight into transition is really not fun, especially with your first birth-meaning you have no clue what is going on and just think you are being a giant wimp. The last 30-45 minutes of Hadassah's birth were very similar to Ben's birth in terms of how intense contractions felt (and how loud I was during them!) BUT I had hours of buildup beforehand AND even during the most intense part I had breaks between contractions (with Ben, once they started they just came on top of each other until I started pushing). I will say that I did not enjoy being stuck in transition for 4 hours with her, but I was able to manage it up until a few minutes before the decision was made to go ahead and rupture the sac and get her to come out.
Going slower is most definitely easier on Mama's body. With Ben, after I birthed him and the placenta, there was still over an hour of stitching to do (and a surgery 5 months after that). With Hadassah, I didn't need even 1 stitch. Can I tell you how deeply relieved I was when my doctor announced that no repair needed to be done?? I think my doula and I both cried. Yes, I am still a bit sore from her birth, but nothing like how I was with Ben, and this soreness responds to rest. After the quick birth, I just felt like I had JUST given birth for...well, until I recovered from the surgery.
A longer birthing process does mean less energy is left when you get to the pushing phase. I had planned to deliver Hadassah on all fours, like I did with Ben, but by the time I actually got there, I couldn't hold myself upright anymore and ended up finishing labor on my side and then on my back (which was a position I was actively planning to avoid-but it was what worked at the moment so you just go with it!). And I think I am still recovering (physically) from the effects of labor. I am thankful that I am in a job where I use most of my muscles a lot all day every day-that really helped prepare me for holding various positions for hours at a time (my nurse couldn't believe my arms were holding out as long as they were).
The longer process with Hadassah was very redeeming in the sense that I felt stronger through it. With the quick birth process, I felt like I had completely overestimated myself and was just being a big wimp because I was literally swept up into it and holding on for dear life (and quite literally climbing walls, screaming, etc.). With a longer birth, because I had time to build up to it and really didn't start getting to that point until I had been stuck at 9 cm and 90% effaced for over 3 hours. I still felt in control of myself (and my volume!) up until that point. The nurses and doctors were all very affirming as well in terms of how well I was handling it (well, except for the anesthesiologist who came to put in my IV-I didn't like him! First he threatened me with a central line, then he kind of laughed at my plan of giving birth unmedicated) which was nice. I still feel bad about the noise I was making at the end, but we're going to hope that most mamas get to that point eventually and they are used to it...if you know differently, don't tell me! Haha! Pushing her out was much more painful than pushing Ben out. I think some of that was because I was pushing through scar tissue (and purposely pushing in shorter bursts to try to minimize damage) and some of it was because of my frame of reference-with Ben, the pushing phase was actually when I got some time to breathe between contractions where I hadn't been able to before!
At the end of the day, both labors were completely worth it because the end result was my beautiful babies. I would gladly go through either again for them. If I have a choice, maybe we can go for a happy medium next time?

First holding Ben

First glimpses of Hadassah-they had SUCH better post birth policies in place at the hospital when she was born!

Miracle Birth-Hadassah Grace

As promised, here is my daughters birth story! We really feel the hand of God was evident throughout!
Hadassah came at 39 weeks, 2 days of gestation which was quite long compared to Ben's 36 week 6 days! My hope for her birth was that it could be longer, gentler, and hopefully healing instead of destructive-both physically and emotionally. To facilitate that, the plan was to have no pain meds and to prolong the pushing phase as much as possible since it is impossible to control speed of dilation (and based on Ben's birth we were assuming that could take mere minutes).
As her due date approached there were several false alarms-I was in prodromal/latent phase labor for the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy. This means I was having decently strong contractions every 3-5 minutes, 24 hours per day but my cervix was stubbornly staying at 3/30%. I had been having contractions for weeks but not regularly all day. I was becoming exhausted because these were difficult or sometimes impossible to sleep through, my abdomen was constantly sore and tender, and I wondered what strength would be required to actually start the process if these weren't enough! Due to my growing fatigue and several other factors, the decision was made to induce her on the 13th. While I felt very comfortable this was the right thing to do, I was also sad and scared of an induction and really praying she would come on her own before then.
On Saturday the 11th I started having a lot of watery discharge. We were concerned that maybe my water broke so even though the contractions were still about the same (aka what most people don't feel until they are actually in labor) we decided to go in for a check. We ate breakfast, packed some things, took Ben to Grandma's house, and the headed in.
When we got to the hospital, they swabbed to check for amniotic fluid, then did a cervix check-3 and 50%, baby at -3 (high). So there was finally a tiny bit of change but not enough for me to get my hopes up. Soon they were back saying they had every doc in the hospital look at my slides and it was inconclusive-it looked kind of like amniotic fluid but not really. So they wanted us to stay and we would recheck in about 2 hours. When they came for the recheck, I braced myself to hear "unchanged"-instead, the verdict was a definite 4/50/-3 and the cervix was moving anterior! I was in active labor, finally! It was 3 pm and we were staying!
It took a while to get admitted, mostly because it took 3 people 2 hours and 9 tries to get an IV in! But once we were admitted, they checked me again-5/75/-3. And that's how it went all night-they would check me every 2-3 hours and find a centimeter or so of change, maybe a little effacement. Just very slow and gradual but something always changed! As the hours ticked away, I was so thrilled-this was the part we couldn't control but also the part we think did the most damage last time, and it was happening slowly and steadily! I walked, rocked on a birthing ball, etc-but the crazy thing was, there was a bit more pressure than what I had been having for weeks but really not much, even as we approached 6, 7, 8 cm. Both my doula and nurse said they felt like they didn't have anything to do because I was calm, comfortable, still talking and laughing during contractions even as they started to get strong enough to trigger early decels.
Josh and my doula had been asleep for several hours when the intensity noticeably changed. Transition! I thought, excited because though I knew this meant the really tough and painful part was coming, it also meant we were almost done. As I said, I truly was thankful as the hours ticked away, but we were at a little over 12 now and I was starting to get exhausted from being up for days as well as shaky from lack of food.
Well, things kept getting more intense, I got checked and was 9/90/-2. Josh and my doula woke up to help, and we labored on. We soon realized I was stuck-my cervix did not change in over 4 hours (yes, of transition) and Hadassah was not moving down. I was not at the point of screaming despair and terror like with my last birth, though by then I was in just as much pain. My doctor suggested breaking my water (oh, forgot to tell you-it wasn't broken before!) to get her to drop her head. This would make things more intense but I didn't care-I was already having to yell during contractions and I could tell I was rapidly approaching my energy reserve endpoint and knew we needed to do something. So we waited for a break between contractions so I could roll onto my back, then my doctor ruptured my membranes. Boy, she wasn't kidding about increased intensity! My body took over and pushed, though I was in control enough to do short pushes instead of long sustained ones, and I was also able to stop between contractions. Even still, she was out in 15 minutes and her head and body came out in a single push just as I was absolutely sure I could take no more. I have decided that the sounds I make during this phase of labor most closely resemble a dying rhinoceros and tried between contractions to apologize.
And then she was here and on my belly and it was all absolutely worth it! I had to have an extensive exam of all of my internal and external tissues to assess the damage-and that was NOT fun-but the results of the exam made me cry-grade 1 lacs throughout! Nothing that required stitching or repair of any type but just enough to restore bloodflow to old scar tissue. Hopefully that plus Hadassah's passage through will jump start a healing process!
The reason she wasn't coming down is that she had a short cord which was wrapped around her body twice. So short they could only get her to my belly button while we waited for it to stop pulsing and be cut!
Really God's intervention was evident throughout the process but highlights to me
1. Even though it was a false alarm, the thought my water had broken got us into the hospital. If left to how I felt, we would have started heading in during transition.
2. There were 17 hours between the official start of active labor and delivery. Everything had time to stretch!
3. My doctor is so awesome-she came in even though it was the weekend and she wasn't on call. She labored with me through the night, providing counter pressure, reassurance, and the right call on breaking my waters.
4. No new tearing! I am on modified bedrest for a month to facilitate healing of old wounds but after that we are very hopeful!
5. My daughter is beautiful!
6. Other than transition and pushing, the word I would use to describe Hadassah's birth is "gentle." I kept wondering if I was actually in labor-all the way up to 8 cm! And even during transition and pushing there were breaks and moments to breathe and gather myself in between (this did not happen last time and it is soooo helpful!). And yes, I birthed unmedicated.

Thank you all for your prayers-they were heard and answered beyond what I dated to hope for!

Waiting on the World to Change

The downside of having Ben a little more than 3 weeks early is that gestating Hadassah feels like it is taking FOREVER-even though I still have a week and a half or so until my due date! I think what is making this more challenging/frustrating is that we were really hoping she would come similarly early-due to the postpartum complications and subsequent repair surgery I had last time, it would really be ideal for her to be on the smaller side. Ben would have been at least 10 pounds if he had gone to term, so the fact that we are closing in on that with her is a little scary! I keep trying to relax about it and remind myself that God is in control, both of when she comes and of her size, but it's a little hard. Another thing that is making it challenging is that I have been having early labor level contractions (aka strong enough to keep me from sleeping much, too strong to ignore, but not strong enough to change my cervix quickly and I can still work and interact with Ben through them) very regularly (every 5-10 minutes or so, 24 hours a day) for about 5 days now. We are most likely going to induce at 39 weeks if she hasn't come on her own by then (everyone pray she comes on her own by then!). This is not a choice I ever thought I would make-I am normally a big fan of letting babies choose their own birthdays. However, given the complications last time and my desire to avoid similar complications this time and hopefully emerge semi-intact, we think this is wisest. We are 100% sure of our dates (part of the consequences last time mean there was only really one possible time she could have been conceived) and the bigger she is, the more the risk for long term consequences.

Thoughts on the waiting...aside from the obvious discomfort factor! Haha! (I don't remember being quite this uncomfortable with Ben)
It is interesting to have absolutely no control over this. There is nothing I can do to "make" my body go into labor, or to control how and when it happens. I have thought through so many scenarios-knowing that even though this early part is lasting forever, once it finally kicks into active labor, things could go even more quickly than last time. This is emphasized by the fact that we would ideally like to do something with Ben besides having Josh hold him during delivery! It's so hard to know-when will it be time to call someone? Will we have time to take him somewhere? I just have to wait and trust that it will all work out the way it is supposed to! This is very difficult for the part of me that likes to plan for all contingencies and "have my ducks in a row."

I am wondering how/if we will know when it is time. I'm starting to ignore even pretty hard contractions-well, not ignore them, but something that would have (and did) sent me to the hospital to get checked a week ago is just a cue to breathe and keep going now. Hopefully we'll figure it out in time!

There are so few surprises left in life-true surprises. In some ways it's kind of neat to not know exactly when she is coming-at least when I'm not so consumed with being bored of being pregnant! :-)
I am doing my best to treasure these last few days as a family of 3. To enjoy my uninterrupted time with Ben, enjoy snuggling with him for naps on the weekends (yeah, I could leave him in the bed or I could stay and nap with him-guess what I pick every time?? Excuse to take a nap? Definitely!), playing with him when I get home, and morning nursing/snuggles. I am sure I will still do a lot of these things when she is here, but it will be different for all of us-a new normal will have to be established. Of course, I am nervous! But also excited and as ready as I think I can be.
Hopefully the next post will be her birth story! Prayers and encouragement are always appreciated! And I am an open book-if anyone wants to challenge me or know more of our reasons for planning an induction a week early, feel free to ask.

38 weeks with Hadassah and (right) 36.5 with Ben (4 days before he was borh)-she looks smaller, right???

Merry Christmas 2013!

So we are super lame and don't send out Christmas letters. Sorry, guys! There are lots of pictures of us (or at least of our adorable offspring) on Facebook, and here is our electronic version of a Christmas letter!
2013 was definitely a fun and crazy year for us, and involved a lot fewer medical problems and hospitalizations than 2012-hooray!
Josh is about to start his last semester of school. He will graduate in early May of 2014 with a Bachelor's degree in English. We aren't sure what will happen after that, or what may or may not change with our family dynamics or life situation, but we are super excited for him to achieve this milestone! He has worked really hard in the English program here and will graduate with an amazing GPA! I think he also feels that he has learned a lot about writing on the way, which will hopefully help him as he seeks to finish working on some books and other writing projects he had started. He is always looking for feedback, so if you are interested in reading something from him, let us know! He has been keeping pretty busy between school and being Ben's full time caretaker as well as all-around house despot (I haven't cooked a meal in a VERY long time, and let me tell you, he can cook circles around me anyway!).
I am doing okay-other than being extremely pregnant! (But thankful to have made it to this point of pregnancy, so even that is doing okay!) Still working for the university as a physical therapist and clinic supervisor of a freestanding clinic on the north side of town. Definitely still struggling to find the work/mom balance, if such a thing even exists. This year, I am happy to report that I have not been hospitalized once (and hopefully the only reason I would be hospitalized in the last remaining few days of the year is if Hadassah comes!) so that has really been very nice. I have been thoroughly enjoying Ben during the moments I do have with him, though I wish I had more time-he just grows up so fast! But I know from talking to my mom that is the case even if you stay home with your child.
Ben continues to grow and change at a very rapid pace! He is really at a very fun stage right now-walking and communicating (I'm not sure I can exactly say "talking"-he does have a big vocabulary in terms of number of words he knows, but he doesn't really string them together much) and very interactive. He gives hugs and kisses (on his own and by request) which is also wonderfully fun! He typically sleeps on his own without waking now, though sometimes he needs a little attention in the night-but the norm now is for him to sleep through the night or settle back down on his own, which is really very nice! The child eats constantly (which I'm sure is why he is so tall and also a reflection of the fact that he is really in perpetual motion)-and I am pretty sure he frequently eats more than I do in the course of any given day! Some of his favorite things include: eating, talking on the phone (Facetime), looking at photos and videos of himself on the phone, The Bellybutton Book, hugs, being held, being played with, hollering "Daddeeeeeee!!!" if the kitchen timer beeps, showers, nursing, his new carseat, and pushing buttons. I'm excited to see how he does as a big brother. I know it will be a big change for sure, but I really think he is the type of kid who will enjoy having siblings. I hope!
Hadassah is still cooking at the moment, though she has given us several false alarms (and I still have a sneaking suspicion she doesn't intend to stay in there too much longer-which is fine, as she is now at a "safe" gestational window to come). I am so excited to see this little girl's personality and hold her in my arms. I'm definitely looking forward to maternity leave (though dreading having to go through the "leaving my children to go back to work" stage again) for the sake of both her and her big brother. I know there will be lots of challenges and lots of joys with this new adventure of parenting childREN instead of just "little son"-and I pray that we have lots of grace to do so well and wisely in this coming year!
We love you all and miss those of you we haven't seen recently! Hopefully the next blog post will tell of Hadassah's safe arrival!

Family Update!

I always love it when I agree to come in earlier than I should be here to meet a patient who "can't come at any other time" and then they don't show up to their appointment! Oh well, now you get a family update!

We are doing well, generally speaking. Very busy with working, school, cooking babies, chasing toddlers, and...well, life! You know how it is, I'm sure!
Josh is doing well with school and Ben duties during the day. His load is a bit tougher this year, because he is a senior! If all goes well, he will graduate in early May, which is of course extremely exciting for all of us! However, that means he is taking junior and senior level classes, complete with capstone projects, intense papers, and teachers who think that it's quite reasonable to request hundreds of pages of reading to be completed between class sessions. We aren't sure what changes will or will not occur following graduation, but it is nice to see this chapter drawing to a close. As I am sure he would tell you, being the full time caregiver plus going to school is no easy task! Ben is at a very busy age, which is lots of fun but also not terribly conducive to getting homework done!
Ben is nearly 17 months old now, and such a sweet (and as mentioned, VERY busy!) bundle of joy. He walks and runs very well now, and is starting to climb on things. He definitely loves exploring his world, which is fine, except when we forget and leave certain doors open, and then it can be very messy (toilet paper everywhere, anyone?). He has started offering kisses and offering and requesting hugs and cuddles, which is just heart meltingly precious. He LOVES reading stories, particularly "Barnyard Dance" and "Pajama Time", and will toddle to his room, grab a book, and then toddle back to give it to you, after which he holds up his hands so he come come on your lap. He is talking and signing a bit more as well. He has some phrases that he says ("Where'd he go? There he is!") but is mostly still using single words. He signs to nurse, eat, and for more. He poops on the potty, and sometimes will pee on the potty as well, but that one is MUCH more iffy. I'm not pushing that for right now. If he does, great-if not, I'm not worried about it. I've heard lots of parents say their kid went through a toilet regression when the new baby was born, so I don't want to push him to potty train early and then have that frustration. He can identify his ears, nose, and chin and he is generally a pretty happy little boy. He definitely does want attention all the time-I hope this means he will really enjoy being a sibling once Hadassah is old enough to play with him! He often sleeps through the night now, which is just lovely! The nights when he does wake up, he usually comes over to our bed to cuddle for a while, and then goes back to sleep either in our bed or his bed (he sleeps in a bed that is wedged between our bed and the wall-partly because his room is really cold and partly because I like him being that close if he does need anything in the night or early morning-I'm too lazy/tired to get up and walk across the house!).
Hadassah and I are doing okay. I'm struggling with the requirements of my job-the clinic I run has gotten to a point of busy-ness where it would really be nice for us to have another therapist, but the hiring process takes a VERY long time here. We are still waiting on an approval that was requested several weeks ago, and only once that goes through can we start actually hiring. In the meantime, the patients must be seen, and I am not willing or able to overload myself in terms of numbers I see at once, so I have a tendency to come in early or stay late in order to fit them in. There is a part of me that is hoping things will actually slow down a little around the holidays, and then I will likely be on maternity leave shortly after that (and if we still don't have our other therapist, my boss very well may have to have 2 people come over to cover me). We are now at 29 weeks and all seems to be going very well. Hadassah is more active than I remember Ben being, and my abdomen is definitely more sensitive in that I am feeling a lot of her movements as cramping/pain where I really don't remember that so much with Ben. I am starting to think about/try to mentally prepare for birth again. I am so excited to have another sweet snuggly baby, but it is hard to know how to prepare for the birth process. I was reading through my birth plan from Ben and kind of laughing-I wrote it assuming that I would be in labor for a LONG time, so much of it ended up not applying to his actual birth. I'm not sure whether to make 2 birth plans-1 for another precipitous birth and 1 for a more regular birth-or what. I'll have to think about that one some more. I have laughingly said that maybe it would actually be good for me to go into labor at work, since my doctor's clinic is literally across the hall from mine-the nurses here don't think that is very funny.
Hope you all are doing well! There is our little update. We miss those of you that we don't see regularly!

Family Update

I don't remember the last slow day I had at work, but I'm having one now, so you get an update post (finally)! We are generally doing pretty well-enjoying the change of seasons as we move from summer into fall.
Josh is in his second-to-last semester of school! He is taking higher level English classes, including some writing classes, and seems to be (mostly) enjoying them. I think the light at the end of the tunnel is starting to feel a little more real! He is still doing a great job of taking care of Ben and meals while doing so much with school-I am so impressed by his ability to juggle all of it, as I think I would have had a hard time doing the same when I was in school. He is still helping with security and projection at church and seems to be enjoying that.
Ben is continuing to grow and get bigger (and cuter, not that I'm biased or anything!) each day. He is 100% convinced that he needs help to walk, but I have seen him stand and walk (and stand up unaided in the middle of the floor) when he is sufficiently distracted, so we'll see how long it takes him to figure out that he can do it on his own! He talks a little bit now, and I have a suspicion that he actually says more words than I give him credit for. His favorite game right now is to get up on Daddy's back (he says "Dahh--eee"-SO cute!) and say "Go go go!" while poking Josh in the back until he gets his desired result-a galloping piggyback ride! My siblings are teaching him all kinds of "cute" tricks, like how to burp on command, apparently. My sister drinks a bunch of water and then belches afterward (and that's how she taught him) so now he thinks anytime he drinks a lot of liquid, he needs to do the same (he doesn't actually burp, he just makes a growling kind of noise, but that's what he's trying to do). The funniest thing is when he pulls off after nursing and does it. He is still nursing about 3 times per day-I don't think he is going to wean, so we will probably be experiencing tandem nursing in a few months. He was dry nursing (ouch) for a while there, but now I think he is getting milk (or colostrum?) again. He is almost always sleeping through the night, which is amazing! He has started fighting sleep (naps and bedtime)-I think because he thinks we pull out the party hats when he goes to sleep (he would be disappointed if he saw what we actually do-I keep trying to tell him we are very boring people after he goes to bed, but he doesn't believe me!) but once he's down, he usually stays down-which is SO nice and helpful especially after so many months of waking 4-8+ times per night.
Hadassah and I are doing okay. We got rear ended on the way to work last week, which kicked off some fairly intense contractions and cramping that had all of us concerned for a while, but after monitoring and testing, it appears that all is well. She is certainly a VERY active little girl! More so than I remember Ben being at this age, though I know there are all kinds of things that can impact how much you feel movement (placenta placement, etc.). I am struggling with energy and endurance at work, but that is completely normal and expected. I'm afraid my "housekeeping" (read that as "lack thereof") is what shows that lack of energy the most. Oh well. At some stage of life, I will have a clean house for more than a few hours (ahahahahaha!!!!!! Aren't I hilarious! Or delusional...) Anyway, there's the short and sweet-hope you all are doing well! I can't promise more frequent updates, but know we love you all and miss the ones we can't see frequently!

It's a.....

Wow, my poor neglected blog! I'm so sorry, friends, I have really not done well at keeping up with posting here. I've thought of things I wanted to post but when it comes to sitting down and taking the time to actually write...well, that hasn't gone as well. I hope to get better with this-we shall see! I want to write an update post on our family, I want to blog about a recent whirlwind trip to see family...and yet time and energy are ever-fleeting, it seems.
Anyway, one thing I don't want to do with this baby is skip all the things I did with Ben due to busy-ness. I know I probably won't be able to do all the things we did during his pregnancy and infancy, but I'd like to do at least some of them! And so....

I am very excited to announce that we will be adding a little GIRL to our family in January-ish! (given her due date, she could conceivably come in December, January, or February) She looks very healthy so far. We would have (of course) been thrilled regardless. I was so torn-two boys super close in age would be a lot of fun and I would have absolutely loved that! My heart has always wanted a daughter, though! I am a little scared-I MAY have been guilty of buying a few adorable girly things even when I didn't have a girl (diapers, etc.), so I will have to use self control now that I actually have one to buy for. I always say, having a tight budget is a great incentive to maintain self control!
Her name is Hadassah Grace. Hadassah (pronounced Huh-DAH-suh) is the Hebrew name for Queen Esther from the Old Testament. Esther was a woman of great courage, strength, and ultimately was used by God to save His people from genocide at the hands of the Persians. Grace means-well, grace! We pray that she will be a girl/woman who has a deep understanding of the grace of God-I feel like I don't even have a beginning grasp on it-I want it to permeate her life and transform her. And we pray that she is a woman who has the faith, courage, and strength to make choices that may at times be hard, unpopular, or even dangerous. I am probably not explaining this well, but there you go.
If anyone has advice to give on raising girls, I am all ears! Oh, and thanks to my sister in law, Lydia, for giving me the truly special gift of a photo shoot with my growing family! Check her out-she is an amazing artist and creator- http://lydialark.blogspot.com/