Since Ben was born, lots of people have asked me if he is a good baby. I am always a bit unsure of how to answer this question. I usually settle for, "I think he is a wonderful baby!"-which is utterly true. However, I am not answering the question that I know they are REALLY asking.
When people ask if Ben is a good baby, they really mean "Is he an easy baby?" The answer to that probably depends on your perspective. From an eating angle-yep, he's pretty easy, unless you consider wanting to eat and/or nurse very frequently (he is a growing boy!!) to be difficult. From a sleeping perspective-I'd say he wasn't ever really an easy baby, and still isn't-naps are a bit of a challenge still, but thankfully night sleeping has gotten incredibly better. Yet, I really can't blame him for that one-his previously extremely wakeful nights were directly tied to me going back to work. From a play perspective-yeah, this kid doesn't like to play alone. He is really happiest if he is touching someone all the time. He CAN play alone, and will for short periods, but I definitely can't plunk him down somewhere and leave him for an hour. From a diaper perspective-I think he's about as easy as it gets! He has unfailingly pooped in the potty since he was about 6 or so months old, with only one accident between now and then (and that was because he asked to go when we were in the middle of nowhere, and there was literally nothing that could be done about it). He's going through a pretty extreme clingy/stranger anxiety/separation anxiety phase, so that's not that easy either...
But he is a truly wonderful little boy-cheerful, happy, and interactive most of the time! His sweet little voice chatters away, mostly baby babble still, but with a few words mixed in, as he charges about the house exploring his world. He gives the sweetest hugs, and his face lights up when he sees someone he loves. He plays peekaboo and "clap your hands" when we sing the clapping song. He has the sweetest laugh, and it is readily extracted. His snuggles are priceless.
I wonder what it says about our culture when the words "good" and "easy" mean the same thing in any context. Really, very few of the truly good and worthwhile things in my life have been easy, in the traditional sense. But they have all been worth it, and my precious son is no exception.
Friday, May 31, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
11 Months!
Thsi past weekend, my sweet son officially became an 11 month old. As insane as this is to imagine, next time I write a blog post update on his age he will be A YEAR OLD! Whew. Fastest/craziest/great year of my life.
New things he is doing:
He DEFINITELY has more stranger anxiety and a MUCH stronger preference for Mommy and Daddy (and other people he knows). He's pretty good about going to my parents and siblings since they watch him while Josh is in school. The nursery is a bit more iffy, and he is definitely not thrilled when strangers try to hold him. Fair enough!
He sleeps in his own bed at least part of every night now (the thing that determines when/if he goes back into his own bed is whether I am awake enough to put him back in there after he nurses). He's actually really good about going to sleep there at night.
He is walking around like crazy-he still needs hands, but I have noticed a definite improvement in his balance-I think he'll be walking around with no problem really soon! His favorite thing is to walk-and preferably outside. He LOVES putting his shoes on because he knows that usually means we are going outside (I don't like him to walk barefoot outside because he has a habit of dragging the top of his toes on the pavement and scraping them up).
He has become more vocal again (he wasn't talking much when he first started walking but has recently started again). He says "Daddy" very clearly and definitely knows what it means. He says "Mamamama" too, but I have yet to determine if that means me or if it means "nurse."
He has become much more affectionate-he gives hugs really frequently (which is SO heartwarming and sweet), and he sometimes gives kisses too.
My favorite new development is that he has started becoming MUCH better about sleeping at night! He has had several nights where he woke up only 1-2 times. He does still have nights with 4-6 or more wakeups, but we are about 50/50 with good nights and tough ones now-so I am hoping this trend continues to move toward fewer and fewer awakenings! Mama definitely feels better on the nights when he sleeps longer!
He has 4 teeth now.
He still loves cheese.
I think those are the big things-time is still flying by far too quickly, and I feel like I am constantly trying to grasp the tender, wonderful moments and this life rushes by!
New things he is doing:
He DEFINITELY has more stranger anxiety and a MUCH stronger preference for Mommy and Daddy (and other people he knows). He's pretty good about going to my parents and siblings since they watch him while Josh is in school. The nursery is a bit more iffy, and he is definitely not thrilled when strangers try to hold him. Fair enough!
He sleeps in his own bed at least part of every night now (the thing that determines when/if he goes back into his own bed is whether I am awake enough to put him back in there after he nurses). He's actually really good about going to sleep there at night.
He is walking around like crazy-he still needs hands, but I have noticed a definite improvement in his balance-I think he'll be walking around with no problem really soon! His favorite thing is to walk-and preferably outside. He LOVES putting his shoes on because he knows that usually means we are going outside (I don't like him to walk barefoot outside because he has a habit of dragging the top of his toes on the pavement and scraping them up).
He has become more vocal again (he wasn't talking much when he first started walking but has recently started again). He says "Daddy" very clearly and definitely knows what it means. He says "Mamamama" too, but I have yet to determine if that means me or if it means "nurse."
He has become much more affectionate-he gives hugs really frequently (which is SO heartwarming and sweet), and he sometimes gives kisses too.
My favorite new development is that he has started becoming MUCH better about sleeping at night! He has had several nights where he woke up only 1-2 times. He does still have nights with 4-6 or more wakeups, but we are about 50/50 with good nights and tough ones now-so I am hoping this trend continues to move toward fewer and fewer awakenings! Mama definitely feels better on the nights when he sleeps longer!
He has 4 teeth now.
He still loves cheese.
I think those are the big things-time is still flying by far too quickly, and I feel like I am constantly trying to grasp the tender, wonderful moments and this life rushes by!
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Dear SAHMs-an explanation from a WOHM
Wow, we do like to label ourselves, don't we? We even have cool acronyms-SAHMs, WAHMs, WOHMs...and we all seem to be threatened by each other. In response to that threatened feeling, maybe we are defensive, maybe we say some things strongly or in a way we don't quite mean in order to defend ourselves.
I obviously can't speak for all WOHMs (moms who work outside the home), but please know this: when I see a SAHM or am talking to you, I am NOT sitting there thinking about how you are wasting your life, not being productive, lazy, not contributing to society, etc. In fact, I think that the choice you made to stay home with your child during his/her formative years is a very wonderful and noble one-and unbelievably, incalculably valuable when it comes to contributing to society. Our children are really the only lasting legacy we leave, and you have chosen to spend your time, energy, and resources pouring into them on a full time basis. Judge you? Far from it-I have to really watch myself to keep from envying you!
Now, maybe you are not judging me either, but some of the comments you have made directly to me would lead me to believe otherwise. I would like to explain myself.
I don't work because I don't love my son enough to stay home with him. I don't work because I think I would be bored at home, or because I feel a need to be a member of the workforce in order to contribute to society. I don't work because I need/want time to myself, nor because I just love my career too much to give it up. I don't work because it is easier than staying home and entertaining a high maintenance toddler all day.
I work because we have bills, a mortgage, and a "powerful need to eat sometime this month" (to quote our favorite TV show-bonus points if you know what it is!). That's it. Pure and simple.
When I was a child, if someone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I almost always said, "A mother." I grew up in a large family with a SAHM, and I naturally thought I would follow in my mother's footsteps. I have always dearly loved children (especially small ones) and looked forward to the day when I could have my own brood to love, teach, be driven crazy by, and play with.
Fast forward to actual adulthood-I was married and a physical therapist. I did a lot of extra training-not because I was career building or trying to climb some corporate ladder (though both of those did happen as incidentals) but because I have this perfectionist drive that makes me want-no, NEED-to be the best at what I do. Combine that with struggles in the area of defining boundaries, and I ended up with a lot of training and experience at a very early point in my career.
Through a series of events, some of which could maybe have been altered, and some of which could not, when we actually did have a child, we found ourselves in a position where the options were for me to work full time and my husband to stay home with the child/go to school, or for both of us to work and put the baby in daycare. WOHMs who do have your child in daycare, this is NOT a judgment on you-please don't read that. I think the right answer for every family is different-but for us, it made more sense to have someone home with the baby, and Josh is able to do that and go to school full time (with a lot of help from Grandma!). The idea of "well, Josh should just go to work" is great-but that would not result in me coming home at this juncture. Both of us would love for me to be able to be home (or be home more), but we just aren't in that spot right now. If you know of some magical job that we don't, we are all ears!
I don't necessarily think that my job or life is a lot harder than yours-I do think that both have challenges, and the challenges are very different. For example:
I work all day at my job, come home at night and become/resume "mom"-I am literally "on" 24/7, just like you. The difference is, I can't really sleep train my child because he needs milk and snuggles at night-because he hasn't had them during the day. I am sure as he gets older, his needs for these will decrease, but please don't give me crazy looks when you find out he rarely sleeps more than 1.5-2 hour stretches at night. He eats and goes back to sleep. He is healthy. I am only somewhat awake and with it, but we manage. I know many of you SAHMs and WAHMs don't have the opportunity to get naps during the day either-but that is definitely not ever on my radar!
I have to walk away from my child every day. On many days he is okay with it (which is somewhat heartbreaking in and of itself), but on many others he cries, reaches, and says "mamamamamamum"-and I have to leave anyway. You see, I also love my child too much to (want to) leave him all day-but I don't have an option.
The advice out there to help moms stay sane doesn't really apply to me. For example, "Take some time in your day to do something just for you." I don't feel like that is really an option for me (unless you count my work day as something just for me-or maybe my commute time). Ben already doesn't get to see me for the vast majority of the day 5 days per week-it doesn't feel right to take more time away from him. And I certainly am not going to take time away from my marriage! My husband has been wonderful the last few weeks and allowed me to sleep in (Ben wakes up at 6 on the dot every day of the week, which is totally our fault) until 7:30/8ish on Saturdays, and that is so nice! But other than that, I don't feel like it's right for me to take more time for "just me." Maybe later, when the kids are all older.
My house is a train wreck all the time. I know yours is probably not a Southern Living catalogue either, but I really, really struggle to get just the basics done on the weekends...because housework, for me, has to be crammed into either evenings or weekends only. I don't have the option to do a little bit throughout the day each day-so I tie my son to my back (usually) and we wash clothes, clean, mop, etc. if we can. Sometimes I'm too tired (or that's my excuse anyway) and so the chaos is allowed to reign a little longer than usual. Yes, I'm embarrassed by it-but I haven't fixed it. Maybe that means I'm a bad wife/woman, maybe it just means I'm overwhelmed too.
I ask myself daily (just like you, I'm sure): Am I doing something valuable? I hope I am-but I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that being with my son would be more valuable.
I could go on, but the point is just this: my life isn't automatically easy because I don't "have" to take care of my baby during the work day. I don't think yours is automatically easy because you "get" to be home all day. I strongly feel that moms need to support each other-no matter what our lifestyle, and no matter how we got there. Are you a stay at home mom, by choice or necessity? Wonderful. You struggle, let's band together based on our commonalities (to start, we both have kids). Do you work outside the home, by choice or necessity? That's great-again, let's come together for mutual support. Do you stay home but run some type of business out of your home? That's hard too-let's try to help each other out!
I have thought before about starting a blog or facebook page that is a support system for working moms-because as I said, much of the support and advice out there seems very geared toward stay at home moms. I haven't yet because I'm not sure I have energy for another project, and because I'm not sure if it would further divide us.
Anyway, thanks for reading! Stay at home moms, I salute you! You are doing something wonderful, and deeply valuable and needed. Working moms, you don't have it easy either-hang in there! I really hope a day will come when we can all just be moms-and be each other's backup and support as we all navigate the daily challenges AND JOYS of motherhood. It is so worth it.
I obviously can't speak for all WOHMs (moms who work outside the home), but please know this: when I see a SAHM or am talking to you, I am NOT sitting there thinking about how you are wasting your life, not being productive, lazy, not contributing to society, etc. In fact, I think that the choice you made to stay home with your child during his/her formative years is a very wonderful and noble one-and unbelievably, incalculably valuable when it comes to contributing to society. Our children are really the only lasting legacy we leave, and you have chosen to spend your time, energy, and resources pouring into them on a full time basis. Judge you? Far from it-I have to really watch myself to keep from envying you!
Now, maybe you are not judging me either, but some of the comments you have made directly to me would lead me to believe otherwise. I would like to explain myself.
I don't work because I don't love my son enough to stay home with him. I don't work because I think I would be bored at home, or because I feel a need to be a member of the workforce in order to contribute to society. I don't work because I need/want time to myself, nor because I just love my career too much to give it up. I don't work because it is easier than staying home and entertaining a high maintenance toddler all day.
I work because we have bills, a mortgage, and a "powerful need to eat sometime this month" (to quote our favorite TV show-bonus points if you know what it is!). That's it. Pure and simple.
When I was a child, if someone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I almost always said, "A mother." I grew up in a large family with a SAHM, and I naturally thought I would follow in my mother's footsteps. I have always dearly loved children (especially small ones) and looked forward to the day when I could have my own brood to love, teach, be driven crazy by, and play with.
Fast forward to actual adulthood-I was married and a physical therapist. I did a lot of extra training-not because I was career building or trying to climb some corporate ladder (though both of those did happen as incidentals) but because I have this perfectionist drive that makes me want-no, NEED-to be the best at what I do. Combine that with struggles in the area of defining boundaries, and I ended up with a lot of training and experience at a very early point in my career.
Through a series of events, some of which could maybe have been altered, and some of which could not, when we actually did have a child, we found ourselves in a position where the options were for me to work full time and my husband to stay home with the child/go to school, or for both of us to work and put the baby in daycare. WOHMs who do have your child in daycare, this is NOT a judgment on you-please don't read that. I think the right answer for every family is different-but for us, it made more sense to have someone home with the baby, and Josh is able to do that and go to school full time (with a lot of help from Grandma!). The idea of "well, Josh should just go to work" is great-but that would not result in me coming home at this juncture. Both of us would love for me to be able to be home (or be home more), but we just aren't in that spot right now. If you know of some magical job that we don't, we are all ears!
I don't necessarily think that my job or life is a lot harder than yours-I do think that both have challenges, and the challenges are very different. For example:
I work all day at my job, come home at night and become/resume "mom"-I am literally "on" 24/7, just like you. The difference is, I can't really sleep train my child because he needs milk and snuggles at night-because he hasn't had them during the day. I am sure as he gets older, his needs for these will decrease, but please don't give me crazy looks when you find out he rarely sleeps more than 1.5-2 hour stretches at night. He eats and goes back to sleep. He is healthy. I am only somewhat awake and with it, but we manage. I know many of you SAHMs and WAHMs don't have the opportunity to get naps during the day either-but that is definitely not ever on my radar!
I have to walk away from my child every day. On many days he is okay with it (which is somewhat heartbreaking in and of itself), but on many others he cries, reaches, and says "mamamamamamum"-and I have to leave anyway. You see, I also love my child too much to (want to) leave him all day-but I don't have an option.
The advice out there to help moms stay sane doesn't really apply to me. For example, "Take some time in your day to do something just for you." I don't feel like that is really an option for me (unless you count my work day as something just for me-or maybe my commute time). Ben already doesn't get to see me for the vast majority of the day 5 days per week-it doesn't feel right to take more time away from him. And I certainly am not going to take time away from my marriage! My husband has been wonderful the last few weeks and allowed me to sleep in (Ben wakes up at 6 on the dot every day of the week, which is totally our fault) until 7:30/8ish on Saturdays, and that is so nice! But other than that, I don't feel like it's right for me to take more time for "just me." Maybe later, when the kids are all older.
My house is a train wreck all the time. I know yours is probably not a Southern Living catalogue either, but I really, really struggle to get just the basics done on the weekends...because housework, for me, has to be crammed into either evenings or weekends only. I don't have the option to do a little bit throughout the day each day-so I tie my son to my back (usually) and we wash clothes, clean, mop, etc. if we can. Sometimes I'm too tired (or that's my excuse anyway) and so the chaos is allowed to reign a little longer than usual. Yes, I'm embarrassed by it-but I haven't fixed it. Maybe that means I'm a bad wife/woman, maybe it just means I'm overwhelmed too.
I ask myself daily (just like you, I'm sure): Am I doing something valuable? I hope I am-but I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that being with my son would be more valuable.
I could go on, but the point is just this: my life isn't automatically easy because I don't "have" to take care of my baby during the work day. I don't think yours is automatically easy because you "get" to be home all day. I strongly feel that moms need to support each other-no matter what our lifestyle, and no matter how we got there. Are you a stay at home mom, by choice or necessity? Wonderful. You struggle, let's band together based on our commonalities (to start, we both have kids). Do you work outside the home, by choice or necessity? That's great-again, let's come together for mutual support. Do you stay home but run some type of business out of your home? That's hard too-let's try to help each other out!
I have thought before about starting a blog or facebook page that is a support system for working moms-because as I said, much of the support and advice out there seems very geared toward stay at home moms. I haven't yet because I'm not sure I have energy for another project, and because I'm not sure if it would further divide us.
Anyway, thanks for reading! Stay at home moms, I salute you! You are doing something wonderful, and deeply valuable and needed. Working moms, you don't have it easy either-hang in there! I really hope a day will come when we can all just be moms-and be each other's backup and support as we all navigate the daily challenges AND JOYS of motherhood. It is so worth it.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
10 months old
This past week, my favorite kid in all the world turned 10 months old. He has now been outside of my body considerably longer than he was inside it (especially since he made his entrance 3 weeks ahead of schedule!). This month, more than any before it, my child has changed and transitioned. He is leaving infancy and going headlong into toddlerhood. I watch with a mixture of delight and a tiny taste of sorrow. I've had a few moments of wondering, "I wonder how many more times we will get to do this?" and as has frequently been the case this year, the fleeting nature of time is impressed upon me. And yet it is SO FUN to see his personality emerge, and to watch as he discovers his world. His smiles and giggles light up my day, and time spent with him, while not as frequent or as long as I would often like, is so awesome.
Ahem. Sorry. I really like my son.
New things he is doing this month:
The biggest thing is walking. He doesn't walk independently yet, but he wants to walk holding hands ALL THE TIME and everywhere. He's pretty fast, too! He likes to walk around the house and chase the dog (he plays a game where he shrieks at her, she comes, he laughs, then she leaves and he follows...crazily, she comes more reliably for his shrieking than when we call her! I told Josh we should just start shrieking at her when we want her, but he's not convinced...). He also LOVES to walk outside. Outside is his favorite place in the whole world! He likes to test out different surfaces (grass, concrete, bark, etc.) and look at the neighbor kids and dogs. He has figured out that if he walks us over to the door and then stops and lets go of one of our hands, we will usually open the door. We then go through and he stops and lets go of our hand again to let us shut the door. It's a little scary how smart he is...
Along with walking comes a fascinating side effect-we get to see what he is interested in! It's kind of fun to see what things catch his attention and what he comes back to. He loves balls (which he mostly sees at my work since we don't have any at home, but maybe we should get one...), banging on things, licking things (ick! I try not to let him lick anything TOO gross, but he sometimes is too quick for me-why does he even want to lick the dog food bag???), blinds, strings, and "stuff I'm not supposed to have."
He has definitely become more verbal and communicative this month. Not very many words, though I swear I heard him say "Daddy" as clear as can be yesterday, but he definitely can get his point across! Sometimes we don't get it fast enough, which leads to frustration/tantrums on his part. He is also signing, which is awesome. Sometimes I think he doesn't sign because he knows we know what he wants.
He goes in the church nursery now and charms all the workers who say he is so sweet!
He had his first hair cut this month. It's a little crooked, but cutting his hair was like an intricate choreographed dance with scissors near my baby's head/eyes/ears etc so considering that, I think I did well!! He looks so much older now...
He loves nursing still, though he eats all kinds of solids! If anything, I think he's nursing more (my guess is it's because he is more active and thus burning more calories) than he did before. Which is fine with me-this is one of those things that I know is for such a short time, and though there are some challenges with it (mostly the fact that he is still nursing anywhere from 4-9 times at night) I treasure these moments I have with him snuggled close.
I think those are the main new things. I have so enjoyed the last 10 months, and look forward to many more getting to know the sweetest kid on earth! ;-)
Ahem. Sorry. I really like my son.
New things he is doing this month:
The biggest thing is walking. He doesn't walk independently yet, but he wants to walk holding hands ALL THE TIME and everywhere. He's pretty fast, too! He likes to walk around the house and chase the dog (he plays a game where he shrieks at her, she comes, he laughs, then she leaves and he follows...crazily, she comes more reliably for his shrieking than when we call her! I told Josh we should just start shrieking at her when we want her, but he's not convinced...). He also LOVES to walk outside. Outside is his favorite place in the whole world! He likes to test out different surfaces (grass, concrete, bark, etc.) and look at the neighbor kids and dogs. He has figured out that if he walks us over to the door and then stops and lets go of one of our hands, we will usually open the door. We then go through and he stops and lets go of our hand again to let us shut the door. It's a little scary how smart he is...
Along with walking comes a fascinating side effect-we get to see what he is interested in! It's kind of fun to see what things catch his attention and what he comes back to. He loves balls (which he mostly sees at my work since we don't have any at home, but maybe we should get one...), banging on things, licking things (ick! I try not to let him lick anything TOO gross, but he sometimes is too quick for me-why does he even want to lick the dog food bag???), blinds, strings, and "stuff I'm not supposed to have."
He has definitely become more verbal and communicative this month. Not very many words, though I swear I heard him say "Daddy" as clear as can be yesterday, but he definitely can get his point across! Sometimes we don't get it fast enough, which leads to frustration/tantrums on his part. He is also signing, which is awesome. Sometimes I think he doesn't sign because he knows we know what he wants.
He goes in the church nursery now and charms all the workers who say he is so sweet!
He had his first hair cut this month. It's a little crooked, but cutting his hair was like an intricate choreographed dance with scissors near my baby's head/eyes/ears etc so considering that, I think I did well!! He looks so much older now...
He loves nursing still, though he eats all kinds of solids! If anything, I think he's nursing more (my guess is it's because he is more active and thus burning more calories) than he did before. Which is fine with me-this is one of those things that I know is for such a short time, and though there are some challenges with it (mostly the fact that he is still nursing anywhere from 4-9 times at night) I treasure these moments I have with him snuggled close.
I think those are the main new things. I have so enjoyed the last 10 months, and look forward to many more getting to know the sweetest kid on earth! ;-)
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Let Me Be Good to You...
I have a very hard time believing in the goodness of God. I don't mean believing in that concept. I mean deep down, at the heart level, where it transforms my life and heart. I absolutely can believe in His righteousness, and in the concept of His justice. It is easy for me to see Him as Lord, but hard to see Him as Father. I don't know if this is just my nature, partially my upbringing, or just because I am (shocking, I know!) human. I like to try to take control, earn my own way, make myself right in His eyes FIRST-and then come to Him. I like to work hard to make my life turn out the way I want it to be (or the way I think He wants it to be)-to control the details of timing, etc. I like to try to wash myself clean and make myself "presentable". It's hard for me to grasp that I have it backwards-that I have to let go of that control and come to Him, let Him change me from the heart out, and then my actions will reflect what is inside.
I am SO thankful to say that my Father, rather than getting impatient and throwing me in time out (which I think is what I as a parent would be tempted to do with such a recalcitrant child) has been gently and graciously teaching me about His goodness, and the value of release. Some examples:
I spent years agonizing over the fact that I wanted children, but "couldn't" have them right now. We weren't in a life situation where I could stay home with them, and therefore, it "wasn't time." We weren't ready. He encouraged us to stop trying to prevent and allow Him to decide the timing-and gave us a beautiful, wonderful, deeply treasured little boy. Is it hard being a working mother? Oh my heavens, yes. Harder than being a stay at home mom? I don't know. I think the struggles are different, so it may be hard to compare the two. Is it better to be a working mother than to not be one at all? Absolutely.
I spent years struggling to lose weight. And I mean that I tried everything. Diet, exercise, extreme forms of both-and the only thing that worked in nearly 5 years was the weeks of fasting imposed by my morning sickness. Weight struggles are so hard on an emotional and spiritual level as well as a physical one. After Ben was born, I dropped pretty quickly to about 3 pounds below my prepregnancy weight and then stayed there. I didn't really try to lose weight, honestly-I was scared, and didn't want to go back to the bondage and mental struggles that I had been dealing with prior to pregnancy. I spent a lot of time talking to my Father about this, and really felt Him asking me to let go, stop finding my worth in what *I* do or do not look like in this area, and allow Him to be good to me. In January, I did. Since then, I have lost 27 pounds-and without the ridiculous striving that characterized my life before (I am eating healthy and exercising-but in balance, not the extremes of exercising 2-3 hours/day and counting calories like a fiend). It feels like magic to me, because VERY extreme measures did not work before-and now I am just doing what "normal people" do to lose weight, and it is working! Even more significant to me, is that while I am enjoying the process of watching the scale creep down (and loving my "new" wardrobe of clothing that I haven't been able to wear in years!), I am not obssessing over my workout schedule, food, or the way I look as I have in the past. I still feel the freedom and joy I had in pregnancy-I am able to lose weight with a balanced mindset. I don't know that I have EVER been able to do that.
I have a dear friend who has deeply struggled with infertility. She and I have spent time praying about it together, and I have spent countless hours crying out on her behalf as well. She recently found out she is expecting!
Now, I absolutely AM NOT a health and wellness gospel believer. I do not believe that if God is happy with you, then all of your problems go away and you are magically this super happy and healthy person. I know there is a fine line to be walked there. The thing with that philosophy is that it is STILL dependent on you. Is YOUR FAITH strong enough, are YOU PRAYING well enough or in the right way, etc. And heaven knows there are still deep struggles in my day (finding the alertness to get through a work day after a sleepless night comes to mind!). But I am so grateful that my Father is teaching me how to walk with Him in a new way-a way that trusts Him and believes that He can be good to me. I don't always do well with it. Especially in the area of my weight, it is SO easy to turn it back into I, and me...to stress about whether I exercised enough that day, etc. I'm not perfect here by any means. But I do see His hand working in my life, gently and lovingly teaching Me that He is on my side (even if that doesn't always look the way I think it should look), and that is enough. He is enough.
I am SO thankful to say that my Father, rather than getting impatient and throwing me in time out (which I think is what I as a parent would be tempted to do with such a recalcitrant child) has been gently and graciously teaching me about His goodness, and the value of release. Some examples:
I spent years agonizing over the fact that I wanted children, but "couldn't" have them right now. We weren't in a life situation where I could stay home with them, and therefore, it "wasn't time." We weren't ready. He encouraged us to stop trying to prevent and allow Him to decide the timing-and gave us a beautiful, wonderful, deeply treasured little boy. Is it hard being a working mother? Oh my heavens, yes. Harder than being a stay at home mom? I don't know. I think the struggles are different, so it may be hard to compare the two. Is it better to be a working mother than to not be one at all? Absolutely.
I spent years struggling to lose weight. And I mean that I tried everything. Diet, exercise, extreme forms of both-and the only thing that worked in nearly 5 years was the weeks of fasting imposed by my morning sickness. Weight struggles are so hard on an emotional and spiritual level as well as a physical one. After Ben was born, I dropped pretty quickly to about 3 pounds below my prepregnancy weight and then stayed there. I didn't really try to lose weight, honestly-I was scared, and didn't want to go back to the bondage and mental struggles that I had been dealing with prior to pregnancy. I spent a lot of time talking to my Father about this, and really felt Him asking me to let go, stop finding my worth in what *I* do or do not look like in this area, and allow Him to be good to me. In January, I did. Since then, I have lost 27 pounds-and without the ridiculous striving that characterized my life before (I am eating healthy and exercising-but in balance, not the extremes of exercising 2-3 hours/day and counting calories like a fiend). It feels like magic to me, because VERY extreme measures did not work before-and now I am just doing what "normal people" do to lose weight, and it is working! Even more significant to me, is that while I am enjoying the process of watching the scale creep down (and loving my "new" wardrobe of clothing that I haven't been able to wear in years!), I am not obssessing over my workout schedule, food, or the way I look as I have in the past. I still feel the freedom and joy I had in pregnancy-I am able to lose weight with a balanced mindset. I don't know that I have EVER been able to do that.
I have a dear friend who has deeply struggled with infertility. She and I have spent time praying about it together, and I have spent countless hours crying out on her behalf as well. She recently found out she is expecting!
Now, I absolutely AM NOT a health and wellness gospel believer. I do not believe that if God is happy with you, then all of your problems go away and you are magically this super happy and healthy person. I know there is a fine line to be walked there. The thing with that philosophy is that it is STILL dependent on you. Is YOUR FAITH strong enough, are YOU PRAYING well enough or in the right way, etc. And heaven knows there are still deep struggles in my day (finding the alertness to get through a work day after a sleepless night comes to mind!). But I am so grateful that my Father is teaching me how to walk with Him in a new way-a way that trusts Him and believes that He can be good to me. I don't always do well with it. Especially in the area of my weight, it is SO easy to turn it back into I, and me...to stress about whether I exercised enough that day, etc. I'm not perfect here by any means. But I do see His hand working in my life, gently and lovingly teaching Me that He is on my side (even if that doesn't always look the way I think it should look), and that is enough. He is enough.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Happy 0.75!
This month, my sweet son turned 9 months old. Wow. I know that each month I say time flies by-but I mean it. If you are pregnant right now, or have a small baby-be warned. You are going to blink and your baby will be a big boy/girl! It is overwhelmingly exciting and wonderful to watch them grow, but slightly heartbreaking at the same time, and each stage has both challenges and wonderful joys!
This month more than any previous month, Ben has become very interactive. He has been smiling a lot and laughing, but now he is playing games with us. He loves to play peekaboo (he has liked this for a while, but now he is "hiding" and "finding" himself) and we just discovered a new game where he shakes his head back and forth ("no") and we tickle his tummy, he giggles, we stop, and he shakes his head again. He is DEFINITELY experimenting with cause and effect. If we do something in response to something he does (and he likes it) he is very likely to try again to see if hisperforming monkeys parents will do the same trick twice. It is so fun to play with him like this!
He has started demonstrating excitement when he sees a parent, which is so fun. :-) When he comes to see me at lunch, the biggest smile breaks over his face! And the same when he sees his daddy (this boy is head over heels, crazy in love with his daddy-seriously, he thinks his daddy is the best person in the WORLD! It's the sweetest thing...). He also looks for people if he doesn't see them (and I can ask him "where is daddy" and he will look for him in the places he normally is-smarty pants!).
He has started reaching for us and showing anxiety when we walk away. However, we can walk away if we keep talking to him and reassuring him we are coming back (if I put him down to go to the bathroom or something like that).
He is signing a little bit-mostly to nurse. Josh is signing with him, so hopefully soon we will see some other signs.
He can scoot/army crawl a bit, but isn't really crawling on hands and knees yet. He is sitting and will transition from sitting to tummy (though that scares me a bit on our hardwood floor). He isn't really pulling up either. The kid definitely prefers to be held, though we can now put him down to play for a while depending on his mood. I'm okay with this-I figure he will be all over the place before we know it and for now, I don't mind knowing that he will be approximately where I put him down when I come back to get him.
He is eating a wider variety of food-still mostly fruits and veggies, but occasionally he will want to self feed some cheerios or something similar. He definitely prefers foods with flavor (he would way rather eat a cooked carrot out of my soup/stew versus a regular cooked carrot).
Happy 0.75, baby son! We are SO incredibly blessed to take care of you every day!
This month more than any previous month, Ben has become very interactive. He has been smiling a lot and laughing, but now he is playing games with us. He loves to play peekaboo (he has liked this for a while, but now he is "hiding" and "finding" himself) and we just discovered a new game where he shakes his head back and forth ("no") and we tickle his tummy, he giggles, we stop, and he shakes his head again. He is DEFINITELY experimenting with cause and effect. If we do something in response to something he does (and he likes it) he is very likely to try again to see if his
He has started demonstrating excitement when he sees a parent, which is so fun. :-) When he comes to see me at lunch, the biggest smile breaks over his face! And the same when he sees his daddy (this boy is head over heels, crazy in love with his daddy-seriously, he thinks his daddy is the best person in the WORLD! It's the sweetest thing...). He also looks for people if he doesn't see them (and I can ask him "where is daddy" and he will look for him in the places he normally is-smarty pants!).
He has started reaching for us and showing anxiety when we walk away. However, we can walk away if we keep talking to him and reassuring him we are coming back (if I put him down to go to the bathroom or something like that).
He is signing a little bit-mostly to nurse. Josh is signing with him, so hopefully soon we will see some other signs.
He can scoot/army crawl a bit, but isn't really crawling on hands and knees yet. He is sitting and will transition from sitting to tummy (though that scares me a bit on our hardwood floor). He isn't really pulling up either. The kid definitely prefers to be held, though we can now put him down to play for a while depending on his mood. I'm okay with this-I figure he will be all over the place before we know it and for now, I don't mind knowing that he will be approximately where I put him down when I come back to get him.
He is eating a wider variety of food-still mostly fruits and veggies, but occasionally he will want to self feed some cheerios or something similar. He definitely prefers foods with flavor (he would way rather eat a cooked carrot out of my soup/stew versus a regular cooked carrot).
Happy 0.75, baby son! We are SO incredibly blessed to take care of you every day!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
A Weighty Matter
Okay, so that's a bad pun. Take it back-that's an awful pun! My husband would be ashamed. However, this is my blog, not his, so too bad! Of note-I am happy for anyone who wants to read this blog to go ahead and read it-but if we are just casual acquaintances, you will probably find it boring. You have been warned!
So, some of you know this, some don't, but shortly before Josh and I got married, I made the worst medical mistake of my adult life-I took hormonal birth control. I thought that was just what you do-we are about to get married, not ready for kiddos yet, so this is the responsible adult thing to do. Well, to say it wreaked havoc on my body is to put it VERY mildly. The first one I was on made my hormones swing like crazy. Ask Josh-I literally spent an ENTIRE WEEKEND sobbing on the couch in his apartment-for no identifiable reason. I didn't even know it was possible for an adult to cry that long (or any human for that matter!) and I had no answer to the question of "what's wrong???" After that, we both agreed that I was changing pills. That was NOT an experience we wanted to repeat!
The next one I took was better from the hormone standpoint (at least the ones that make you crazy and emotional) so we thought we were good. We got married, came back to Texas, and I started clinical rotations. Then all of a sudden, I started gaining weight. Fast. And a lot of it. In fact, in the first 3 months we were married, I put on 50 lbs. Now, sometimes we are most blind when it comes to our own lives and bodies. I had heard and read of people "letting themselves go" after marriage, and figured maybe that was the problem. Never mind the fact that we were eating exactly the same and I had become MORE active (I went from sitting in a chair 8+ hours/day to standing, walking, running, and lifting that same amount of time), not less. Eventually, I realized that couldn't be it. Well, maybe I was stressed? I was in the clinical rotation from hell, after all. Nope...the gain did not end when the rotation did. So I started seeing doctors. The first one I tried was positive I had an eating disorder I was trying to hide (because people who are trying to hide conditions seek medical care). The second told me in words that are seared into my soul to this day, "I know you are just wanting to sit on the couch and eat chocolate all day, and I am not going to give you a medical excuse to do that." No one mentioned birth control as a possibility.
My sister in law got off of her birth control around that time and mentioned how much better she (eventually) felt. She had been having some of the same fatigue symptoms that I had been having, so I wondered if that would help me. So I got off of mine. It took about 5 months, but finally, FINALLY my weight gain stabilized and I stopped gaining (almost 80 lbs more than I had been at the beginning of all of this). However, no matter what I did, it would not come off.
You know how you watch those extreme weight loss shows and see a contestant who hasn't lost the right amount of weight...and then the trainer gets in their face and says, "Math doesn't lie! If you were doing xyz and only eating this many calories, you would have lost this much weight!" Well, I can't tell you for sure how it is for those people, but for me, the math lied. There were points in time where I was doing 2-3 2 hour workouts per day and eating 1400 calories or sometimes slightly more-and my weight did not budge. It didn't even really redistribute very much. I won't elaborate on the emotional struggles involved with this, but any of you who are women or who have spent any time talking to women, will know what I mean.
Finally, one of my parents' friends (a family practice physician) got involved. And I FINALLY, after over a year at this point, had answers. Apparently this is a fairly common side effect of birth control (about 5% of women who start birth control, especially at a point multiple years past puberty have this "side effect"-which I think is a high enough number to warrant a warning and/or recognition by the medical community!). It essentially can "turn off" your body's ability to process food-and instead it starts storing EVERYTHING you eat...the net impact is that even though you are gaining weight, your nutrition levels are similar to someone who is starving to death, because everything is being stored rather than used. Oh, and it doesn't really matter what you eat, healthiness, calories burned, etc.-it isn't going to come off and you will keep gaining.
So I got on medication-several medications, actually, which were intended to turn my metabolism back on and make my body start processing food correctly again. There were some side effects of those, but I was SLOWLY starting to lose weight. I was eating healthy, taking the meds, and doing P90X-and at the end of the 90 days, I had dropped about 10 pounds. Not much...just a drop in the bucket, really...but it was the first time I had been able to lose weight in almost 3 years.
Then I got pregnant. I was soooo happy, and weight was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I loved my body while I was pregnant. For the first time, I didn't feel like I had to constantly berate myself for my weight and I didn't feel like people were judging me (for the record, both of those are my issues, not due to anyone else!). However, when I got pregnant I almost immediately dropped 20 lbs despite the fact that I stopped exercising. I was quite ill and unable to eat much. I was okay with that, but really not worried about my body-I figured I'd start the whirlwind and craziness again once the baby came.
I gained a total of 12 pounds during my pregnancy (over my prepregnancy weight). In fact, I walked out of the hospital weighing only 3 lbs more than I did before I got pregnant. People had mentioned the possibility of pregnancy hormones "resetting" my metabolism, which made sense since I had gained the weight hormonally, but I didn't hope for it. However, the weight continued to slowly come off, even though I wasn't trying (there was a lot going on postpartum). 2 months ago, I was FINALLY cleared to exercise, and then the weight started coming off more quickly. It was like magic!
The math is finally working. It's crazy.
I am so thankful-it is so freeing to actually have things work the way they are supposed to! As of today, I weigh 21 pounds less than I did before I got pregnant, and in the last month I've been dropping an average of 2 pounds per week. I definitely feel a lot better, and I can fit in clothes that didn't even fit before I was pregnant! I'm not sure if it will continue doing this (part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop) but I am so thankful to the Lord for giving me this gift.
So, some of you know this, some don't, but shortly before Josh and I got married, I made the worst medical mistake of my adult life-I took hormonal birth control. I thought that was just what you do-we are about to get married, not ready for kiddos yet, so this is the responsible adult thing to do. Well, to say it wreaked havoc on my body is to put it VERY mildly. The first one I was on made my hormones swing like crazy. Ask Josh-I literally spent an ENTIRE WEEKEND sobbing on the couch in his apartment-for no identifiable reason. I didn't even know it was possible for an adult to cry that long (or any human for that matter!) and I had no answer to the question of "what's wrong???" After that, we both agreed that I was changing pills. That was NOT an experience we wanted to repeat!
The next one I took was better from the hormone standpoint (at least the ones that make you crazy and emotional) so we thought we were good. We got married, came back to Texas, and I started clinical rotations. Then all of a sudden, I started gaining weight. Fast. And a lot of it. In fact, in the first 3 months we were married, I put on 50 lbs. Now, sometimes we are most blind when it comes to our own lives and bodies. I had heard and read of people "letting themselves go" after marriage, and figured maybe that was the problem. Never mind the fact that we were eating exactly the same and I had become MORE active (I went from sitting in a chair 8+ hours/day to standing, walking, running, and lifting that same amount of time), not less. Eventually, I realized that couldn't be it. Well, maybe I was stressed? I was in the clinical rotation from hell, after all. Nope...the gain did not end when the rotation did. So I started seeing doctors. The first one I tried was positive I had an eating disorder I was trying to hide (because people who are trying to hide conditions seek medical care). The second told me in words that are seared into my soul to this day, "I know you are just wanting to sit on the couch and eat chocolate all day, and I am not going to give you a medical excuse to do that." No one mentioned birth control as a possibility.
My sister in law got off of her birth control around that time and mentioned how much better she (eventually) felt. She had been having some of the same fatigue symptoms that I had been having, so I wondered if that would help me. So I got off of mine. It took about 5 months, but finally, FINALLY my weight gain stabilized and I stopped gaining (almost 80 lbs more than I had been at the beginning of all of this). However, no matter what I did, it would not come off.
You know how you watch those extreme weight loss shows and see a contestant who hasn't lost the right amount of weight...and then the trainer gets in their face and says, "Math doesn't lie! If you were doing xyz and only eating this many calories, you would have lost this much weight!" Well, I can't tell you for sure how it is for those people, but for me, the math lied. There were points in time where I was doing 2-3 2 hour workouts per day and eating 1400 calories or sometimes slightly more-and my weight did not budge. It didn't even really redistribute very much. I won't elaborate on the emotional struggles involved with this, but any of you who are women or who have spent any time talking to women, will know what I mean.
Finally, one of my parents' friends (a family practice physician) got involved. And I FINALLY, after over a year at this point, had answers. Apparently this is a fairly common side effect of birth control (about 5% of women who start birth control, especially at a point multiple years past puberty have this "side effect"-which I think is a high enough number to warrant a warning and/or recognition by the medical community!). It essentially can "turn off" your body's ability to process food-and instead it starts storing EVERYTHING you eat...the net impact is that even though you are gaining weight, your nutrition levels are similar to someone who is starving to death, because everything is being stored rather than used. Oh, and it doesn't really matter what you eat, healthiness, calories burned, etc.-it isn't going to come off and you will keep gaining.
So I got on medication-several medications, actually, which were intended to turn my metabolism back on and make my body start processing food correctly again. There were some side effects of those, but I was SLOWLY starting to lose weight. I was eating healthy, taking the meds, and doing P90X-and at the end of the 90 days, I had dropped about 10 pounds. Not much...just a drop in the bucket, really...but it was the first time I had been able to lose weight in almost 3 years.
Then I got pregnant. I was soooo happy, and weight was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I loved my body while I was pregnant. For the first time, I didn't feel like I had to constantly berate myself for my weight and I didn't feel like people were judging me (for the record, both of those are my issues, not due to anyone else!). However, when I got pregnant I almost immediately dropped 20 lbs despite the fact that I stopped exercising. I was quite ill and unable to eat much. I was okay with that, but really not worried about my body-I figured I'd start the whirlwind and craziness again once the baby came.
I gained a total of 12 pounds during my pregnancy (over my prepregnancy weight). In fact, I walked out of the hospital weighing only 3 lbs more than I did before I got pregnant. People had mentioned the possibility of pregnancy hormones "resetting" my metabolism, which made sense since I had gained the weight hormonally, but I didn't hope for it. However, the weight continued to slowly come off, even though I wasn't trying (there was a lot going on postpartum). 2 months ago, I was FINALLY cleared to exercise, and then the weight started coming off more quickly. It was like magic!
The math is finally working. It's crazy.
I am so thankful-it is so freeing to actually have things work the way they are supposed to! As of today, I weigh 21 pounds less than I did before I got pregnant, and in the last month I've been dropping an average of 2 pounds per week. I definitely feel a lot better, and I can fit in clothes that didn't even fit before I was pregnant! I'm not sure if it will continue doing this (part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop) but I am so thankful to the Lord for giving me this gift.
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