Wow, we do like to label ourselves, don't we? We even have cool acronyms-SAHMs, WAHMs, WOHMs...and we all seem to be threatened by each other. In response to that threatened feeling, maybe we are defensive, maybe we say some things strongly or in a way we don't quite mean in order to defend ourselves.
I obviously can't speak for all WOHMs (moms who work outside the home), but please know this: when I see a SAHM or am talking to you, I am NOT sitting there thinking about how you are wasting your life, not being productive, lazy, not contributing to society, etc. In fact, I think that the choice you made to stay home with your child during his/her formative years is a very wonderful and noble one-and unbelievably, incalculably valuable when it comes to contributing to society. Our children are really the only lasting legacy we leave, and you have chosen to spend your time, energy, and resources pouring into them on a full time basis. Judge you? Far from it-I have to really watch myself to keep from envying you!
Now, maybe you are not judging me either, but some of the comments you have made directly to me would lead me to believe otherwise. I would like to explain myself.
I don't work because I don't love my son enough to stay home with him. I don't work because I think I would be bored at home, or because I feel a need to be a member of the workforce in order to contribute to society. I don't work because I need/want time to myself, nor because I just love my career too much to give it up. I don't work because it is easier than staying home and entertaining a high maintenance toddler all day.
I work because we have bills, a mortgage, and a "powerful need to eat sometime this month" (to quote our favorite TV show-bonus points if you know what it is!). That's it. Pure and simple.
When I was a child, if someone asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I almost always said, "A mother." I grew up in a large family with a SAHM, and I naturally thought I would follow in my mother's footsteps. I have always dearly loved children (especially small ones) and looked forward to the day when I could have my own brood to love, teach, be driven crazy by, and play with.
Fast forward to actual adulthood-I was married and a physical therapist. I did a lot of extra training-not because I was career building or trying to climb some corporate ladder (though both of those did happen as incidentals) but because I have this perfectionist drive that makes me want-no, NEED-to be the best at what I do. Combine that with struggles in the area of defining boundaries, and I ended up with a lot of training and experience at a very early point in my career.
Through a series of events, some of which could maybe have been altered, and some of which could not, when we actually did have a child, we found ourselves in a position where the options were for me to work full time and my husband to stay home with the child/go to school, or for both of us to work and put the baby in daycare. WOHMs who do have your child in daycare, this is NOT a judgment on you-please don't read that. I think the right answer for every family is different-but for us, it made more sense to have someone home with the baby, and Josh is able to do that and go to school full time (with a lot of help from Grandma!). The idea of "well, Josh should just go to work" is great-but that would not result in me coming home at this juncture. Both of us would love for me to be able to be home (or be home more), but we just aren't in that spot right now. If you know of some magical job that we don't, we are all ears!
I don't necessarily think that my job or life is a lot harder than yours-I do think that both have challenges, and the challenges are very different. For example:
I work all day at my job, come home at night and become/resume "mom"-I am literally "on" 24/7, just like you. The difference is, I can't really sleep train my child because he needs milk and snuggles at night-because he hasn't had them during the day. I am sure as he gets older, his needs for these will decrease, but please don't give me crazy looks when you find out he rarely sleeps more than 1.5-2 hour stretches at night. He eats and goes back to sleep. He is healthy. I am only somewhat awake and with it, but we manage. I know many of you SAHMs and WAHMs don't have the opportunity to get naps during the day either-but that is definitely not ever on my radar!
I have to walk away from my child every day. On many days he is okay with it (which is somewhat heartbreaking in and of itself), but on many others he cries, reaches, and says "mamamamamamum"-and I have to leave anyway. You see, I also love my child too much to (want to) leave him all day-but I don't have an option.
The advice out there to help moms stay sane doesn't really apply to me. For example, "Take some time in your day to do something just for you." I don't feel like that is really an option for me (unless you count my work day as something just for me-or maybe my commute time). Ben already doesn't get to see me for the vast majority of the day 5 days per week-it doesn't feel right to take more time away from him. And I certainly am not going to take time away from my marriage! My husband has been wonderful the last few weeks and allowed me to sleep in (Ben wakes up at 6 on the dot every day of the week, which is totally our fault) until 7:30/8ish on Saturdays, and that is so nice! But other than that, I don't feel like it's right for me to take more time for "just me." Maybe later, when the kids are all older.
My house is a train wreck all the time. I know yours is probably not a Southern Living catalogue either, but I really, really struggle to get just the basics done on the weekends...because housework, for me, has to be crammed into either evenings or weekends only. I don't have the option to do a little bit throughout the day each day-so I tie my son to my back (usually) and we wash clothes, clean, mop, etc. if we can. Sometimes I'm too tired (or that's my excuse anyway) and so the chaos is allowed to reign a little longer than usual. Yes, I'm embarrassed by it-but I haven't fixed it. Maybe that means I'm a bad wife/woman, maybe it just means I'm overwhelmed too.
I ask myself daily (just like you, I'm sure): Am I doing something valuable? I hope I am-but I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that being with my son would be more valuable.
I could go on, but the point is just this: my life isn't automatically easy because I don't "have" to take care of my baby during the work day. I don't think yours is automatically easy because you "get" to be home all day. I strongly feel that moms need to support each other-no matter what our lifestyle, and no matter how we got there. Are you a stay at home mom, by choice or necessity? Wonderful. You struggle, let's band together based on our commonalities (to start, we both have kids). Do you work outside the home, by choice or necessity? That's great-again, let's come together for mutual support. Do you stay home but run some type of business out of your home? That's hard too-let's try to help each other out!
I have thought before about starting a blog or facebook page that is a support system for working moms-because as I said, much of the support and advice out there seems very geared toward stay at home moms. I haven't yet because I'm not sure I have energy for another project, and because I'm not sure if it would further divide us.
Anyway, thanks for reading! Stay at home moms, I salute you! You are doing something wonderful, and deeply valuable and needed. Working moms, you don't have it easy either-hang in there! I really hope a day will come when we can all just be moms-and be each other's backup and support as we all navigate the daily challenges AND JOYS of motherhood. It is so worth it.
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