I have a very hard time believing in the goodness of God. I don't mean believing in that concept. I mean deep down, at the heart level, where it transforms my life and heart. I absolutely can believe in His righteousness, and in the concept of His justice. It is easy for me to see Him as Lord, but hard to see Him as Father. I don't know if this is just my nature, partially my upbringing, or just because I am (shocking, I know!) human. I like to try to take control, earn my own way, make myself right in His eyes FIRST-and then come to Him. I like to work hard to make my life turn out the way I want it to be (or the way I think He wants it to be)-to control the details of timing, etc. I like to try to wash myself clean and make myself "presentable". It's hard for me to grasp that I have it backwards-that I have to let go of that control and come to Him, let Him change me from the heart out, and then my actions will reflect what is inside.
I am SO thankful to say that my Father, rather than getting impatient and throwing me in time out (which I think is what I as a parent would be tempted to do with such a recalcitrant child) has been gently and graciously teaching me about His goodness, and the value of release. Some examples:
I spent years agonizing over the fact that I wanted children, but "couldn't" have them right now. We weren't in a life situation where I could stay home with them, and therefore, it "wasn't time." We weren't ready. He encouraged us to stop trying to prevent and allow Him to decide the timing-and gave us a beautiful, wonderful, deeply treasured little boy. Is it hard being a working mother? Oh my heavens, yes. Harder than being a stay at home mom? I don't know. I think the struggles are different, so it may be hard to compare the two. Is it better to be a working mother than to not be one at all? Absolutely.
I spent years struggling to lose weight. And I mean that I tried everything. Diet, exercise, extreme forms of both-and the only thing that worked in nearly 5 years was the weeks of fasting imposed by my morning sickness. Weight struggles are so hard on an emotional and spiritual level as well as a physical one. After Ben was born, I dropped pretty quickly to about 3 pounds below my prepregnancy weight and then stayed there. I didn't really try to lose weight, honestly-I was scared, and didn't want to go back to the bondage and mental struggles that I had been dealing with prior to pregnancy. I spent a lot of time talking to my Father about this, and really felt Him asking me to let go, stop finding my worth in what *I* do or do not look like in this area, and allow Him to be good to me. In January, I did. Since then, I have lost 27 pounds-and without the ridiculous striving that characterized my life before (I am eating healthy and exercising-but in balance, not the extremes of exercising 2-3 hours/day and counting calories like a fiend). It feels like magic to me, because VERY extreme measures did not work before-and now I am just doing what "normal people" do to lose weight, and it is working! Even more significant to me, is that while I am enjoying the process of watching the scale creep down (and loving my "new" wardrobe of clothing that I haven't been able to wear in years!), I am not obssessing over my workout schedule, food, or the way I look as I have in the past. I still feel the freedom and joy I had in pregnancy-I am able to lose weight with a balanced mindset. I don't know that I have EVER been able to do that.
I have a dear friend who has deeply struggled with infertility. She and I have spent time praying about it together, and I have spent countless hours crying out on her behalf as well. She recently found out she is expecting!
Now, I absolutely AM NOT a health and wellness gospel believer. I do not believe that if God is happy with you, then all of your problems go away and you are magically this super happy and healthy person. I know there is a fine line to be walked there. The thing with that philosophy is that it is STILL dependent on you. Is YOUR FAITH strong enough, are YOU PRAYING well enough or in the right way, etc. And heaven knows there are still deep struggles in my day (finding the alertness to get through a work day after a sleepless night comes to mind!). But I am so grateful that my Father is teaching me how to walk with Him in a new way-a way that trusts Him and believes that He can be good to me. I don't always do well with it. Especially in the area of my weight, it is SO easy to turn it back into I, and me...to stress about whether I exercised enough that day, etc. I'm not perfect here by any means. But I do see His hand working in my life, gently and lovingly teaching Me that He is on my side (even if that doesn't always look the way I think it should look), and that is enough. He is enough.
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