The crazy third trimester!

 Well, the third trimester is here, and I totally understand comments like "I feel like a beached whale!" We went to my doctor's appointment last week, and for the first time this pregnancy, I weighed more than when I started (by 10 lbs). The part of me that is a rational person knows that gaining weight is part of pregnancy and cannot be avoided. The part of me that is a woman who has struggled with weight related issues all her life has a hard time not letting this spin me into a self-deprecating funk. I try to tell myself that it's all going to the baby, since I haven't really noticed a big difference in my face (which is usually where I first see weight loss/gain), legs, etc...and my hips, while wider, do not seem to have extra bulk. But this could be wishful thinking!
 I could have up to 9 weeks left in this pregnancy, or as few as 4, just depending on when the little guy decides he wants to come. I just hope I don't gain too much more between now and then. Let's face it...we've come a long way from the picture in black (16 weeks, and this was probably my thinnest since I lost a bunch of weight in the first tri from morning sickness) to the picture  in gray (taken this morning)!

 I have begun working on baby preparations. I don't think I am nesting, per se, because I do not have a surge of energy (at least, if this is a surge of energy, I want my money back!!!). I just have a realization that this kid could be here terrifyingly soon, and I probably should do as much as possible before I become even less mobile and more exhausted. Already, simple things are becoming not-so-simple (who knew getting up from a chair or the floor was so complicated!). Also, we have wonderful, generous friends and family, so there is actually stuff to organize! Additionally, I think there will be more people coming through our home in the near future than there have been to date, and I don't want to be embarrassed when they do!

 

Baby diapers!! I think we now will have enough-thanks everyone who contributed!

 

Top: Ben has a library started already!!! Bottom: Beautiful homemade gifts: a blanket spun, designed, and knitted by Granna, a crocheted elephant from Aunt Rebecca, and an adorable corduroy bunny from Aunt Lydia!

We have had two showers now! This was a huge, unexpected blessing...because of the timing of our move from Austin to Columbia, I figured we might not have a shower at all...we moved before I was "pregnant enough" from Austin, and I didn't figure anyone would know us well enough here before the baby came. I was sad, mostly because I had always looked forward to celebrating this time with friends and family. Later, it hit me that gifts are also useful-for being so tiny, baby stuff is sure expensive!

 Then, an opportunity came up for us to go to Austin for a weekend, and our wonderful church family there contacted me to say they wanted to throw us a shower! It was such a wonderful thing-we were able to see so many more of our closest friends and family than we could have if we were trying to visit each one individually during such a short visit! They did a storybook theme-how perfect for us! Everything was so beautifully and tastefully done-from a story-oriented game to food themed after various books...and we have a really good start on a library for Ben which includes many of the books that I remember my siblings loving when they were young! Truly one of the highlights of our trip, and we felt so loved even though we don't live there any more!

Our small group here in Columbia also requested to throw us a shower, despite having only known us for 3 weeks at the time! We were so grateful and honored that they would do that after only having known us for a short time! This shower was much more intimate-our small group and my family, as well as a friend from college (who ended up just a few hours away even though both of us went to school in Alabama! How crazy is that?). It was also a really fun time with friends and family, and beautifully planned. That will show me to doubt God, or be sad about something I think I'm losing because of doing something He leads us to...now, I'm not saying He will always give 2 showers when you thought you would have none, but it was so sweet that He chose to this time!

All right, this is becoming a book, so I'll close for the moment. Sorry for the lack of posting...we have been busy, but not necessarily with exciting things lately. Soon there will be lots of cute pictures to share, though-we hope!

Freedom

So, the concept of freedom in Christ has always been a challenge for me. I am, by nature, drawn to legalism...to my "ability" to redeem myself...to doing more, being more, making myself more worthy. Sadly, this line of thinking leads to slavery and fear, rather than a joyful walk. In recent weeks, I have been pondering the concept of freedom...what exactly does it mean? How do I behave as someone who is free? Obviously it doesn't mean "just do whatever in the world you want-it doesn't matter" and yet, it is so easy for me to become caught up in self regulation, and that can be as much a form of slavery as choosing to live in overt sin patterns of some kind. Maybe more so, because it is easier to justify.
I don't have complete answers as to what walking in freedom looks like. My gut tells me it is probably like many other things in this life-meaning that it looks different for each person and possibly even in each situation. I do feel that God has been clearly telling me for several weeks now that His desire is not for me to live in slavery...of any kind. And yes, that does include the slavery of "I have to make myself _____." In many ways, this means I need to re-think how I have approached life, and especially the pursuit of holiness. It isn't acceptable for me to just make myself appear a certain way on the outside by following a strict list of rules and regulations. He wants ME...the real me...not the one that I present to Him after putting on layers of makeup and careful presentation. He wants my obedience to be the byproduct, not the end goal. He wants a daughter who knows Him, walks with Him, and is, ultimately, FREE in Him. The rest will come.
As I said, this is a radical way of thinking for me, with many implications. To be honest, part of me wasn't sure it was from God...I mean, surely He wants us to be disciplined, so what is wrong with the picture of me being very strict with myself in these areas? (Please note that I am not saying discipline has no place...I am saying that in my specific case, I can often turn discipline and self-regulation into god and that can actually keep me from pursuing my real God) Then, I read Colossians with our community group, and the following verses reassured me:
If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations— ²¹  “Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch” ²² ( referring to things that all perish as they are used)—according to human precepts and teachings? ²³ These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh. Colossians 2:20-23
This is what I have been doing! Providing myself with a list of needlessly strict rules and regulations, trying to create my own salvation-and it does appear wise. But it is of no value-not because it is wrong to live a life of obedience, but because it doesn't address the root of the issue-that on my own, I will seek to indulge my flesh and fill my own voids instead of running to the Bread of Life. Heaven will be so amazing, won't it? When we can truly, without reservation, live in His love and know Him, and truly see Him as He is-and by that understand ourselves? For now, I pray that He will begin to teach me what it looks like in each situation to walk in freedom and joy-to seek His Face. I'm obviously still thinking through what that means, how it will look...and I know it is possible for the pendulum to swing too far the other way...but I really, really want to begin to understand what this means and how to live it out!

Living things...

Time for another picture post!

We have a yard for the first time, which means we can also have a garden! So this is our "eensie weensie" first garden. There are 3 growing seasons here, so this little bed just has a bunch of "cool season" plants...spinach, lettuce, and broccoli. I've never grown any of these things before, so we'll see what happens! We've had them for about 3 weeks now and they are growing quickly (faster than the weeds!) so hopefully that is a good sign!

This is the view from our back yard...our yard itself is pretty small, but we back up to a huge farm (there are cows back there!) so we get the look of having acreage without the upkeep. Kind of nice (though I do wish we had acreage for one reason: I want a baby alpaca!).

 Mattie is positive the backyard is her domain. She lets us come in it, but it is unquestionably hers. I seriously don't know how she survived as an apartment dog...she LOOVVESSS the yard so much!

The college here has an agriculture school, and several times a year, they sell the plants that the students have raised (that's actually where we got our garden plants as well). We got these 2 lovely house plants! I don't remember the name of the one above, but I really like it-the leaves are almost as pretty as the flowers! The one on the left  is a geranium-but I have never seen a geranium in these colors before!

Of course, baby Ben is growing! (sorry for the slightly messy bathroom by the way) What is hilarious to me is that I STILL get people who say, "Oh, are you pregnant?" in a kind of shocked tone of voice (not the "Oh, I thought you might be, but didn't want to take a chance" voice but the truly "Oh wow, I had no idea!" voice). I just took these photos today (I am 27 weeks, 1 day today) and this scenario happened to me today when I met a neighbor! Now I understand none of these people have ever seen me not pregnant, but I think it's kind of obvious at this point...maybe not, though. To me it is most obvious from the side, and you really can't tell from the back (front is not as obvious, but I think you can still tell from the front)...BUT...I feel like I should be getting "so, when are you due?" more often than "Oh wow, are you EXPECTING??!!" at this point. Who knows...I decided I think it's funny (no point in getting upset or offended, right?).

I tried to take pictures of our fish tank, but the fish never stop moving, so all the pictures are blurry. So instead, you get this lovely little video! I get a probably unreasonable amount of enjoyment from this tank-I find it so relaxing to sit and watch them...kind of like a piece of living artwork, I guess!
So yep, not much substance here today, but you have to have a "fun post" every once in a while to balance out the heavy philosophical ones, right??

Run and don't grow weary...

I'm not sure whether to blame pregnancy, my own selfishness, or what, but I've been feeling particularly drained the last few weeks. It is easy for me to slip into self pity...thinking things like "I wish it was possible for me to stay home, or work part time, or just take a few days off!" (and then the thoughts can deteriorate from there) I don't think I can blame my job...it is MUCH more relaxed than my previous job: fewer hours (by about 25 per week), fewer patients (by 4-5 per day), and fewer administrative responsibilities. Overall, less stress. So why am I dragging myself from the bed to the car each day and then "pep talking" my way through until I can go home? True, I'm now in my third trimester, and feeling it. True, I have literally not had any time off since I started college (graduated college, 3 weeks later started PT school, graduated that, then started working immediately, followed less than a month later by working-and-a-residency, followed about 4 months later by work-and-a-residency-and-a-doctorate...and as soon as I'd finished those, took on the most intense job of my life). I just feel so desperately in need of rest.
This whole thing has made me ponder what exactly rest is. I doubt it is what I have traditionally defined as rest...laying around on the couch or in bed reading or napping or watching a movie. Not that it is wrong to do those things for seasons or short periods of time, but I doubt that God's will for me (even though it sounds awesome right now!) is to lie around doing nothing. At least, not full time (that would be a hilarious conversation: "What do you do?" "Well, I'm a professional rester."). I have heard it defined as doing things that are relaxing and enjoyable to you (mostly I've heard that referencing hobbies or things like gardening). That sounds great to me, but I'm not in a stage of life where I'm free to do that (or at least, Josh and I haven't seen God showing us a way for that to happen). So how do I rest in the midst of my normal, daily routine? How do I literally draw my strength from God...not just the strength to leap tall buildings with a single bound, but the strength to turn the key in the ignition, drive to work, give my best to my patients, come home, exercise, etc.?
In some ways, I'm kind of glad God has brought this up now...I think it's going to be crucial in the next few months as I get closer to bring a baby into this world (read: huger, more uncomfortable, and more exhausted) and in the months after that as I try to figure out how to work full time and mother full time. It would be easy to shove my own needs aside or deny them until I hit the point of burnout, emotional breakdown, or worse. I don't have all the answers (please pray for me in this! And if any of you have suggestions or thoughts, please share!), but we are told to take our strength from Him and that He will give us what we need to do what He has called us to (not necessarily extra, but we will have what we need). I know that this world is not home, so it is not necessarily true (or maybe even likely!) that I will always feel completely rested here...that's why verses that say things like "there remains therefore a rest for the people of God" (Hebrews 4:9) are so cool! I've been pondering and praying the infamous verse found in Isaiah 40:31:
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not grow faint."
I've heard that verse all my life...sung songs about it, the whole nine yards. And now more than ever, it seems to sum up what I need most...to be able to continue to run and walk where I am called without losing heart or growing faint. To have my strength renewed...not just to survive, but to soar. Only in His strength....

Things I didn't know about pregnancy...

Yesterday marked the beginning of my third trimester (boy, that sounds so strange to say!! Baby Ben will literally be here before we know it!). I've been thinking about all the surprises pregnancy has held so far....some of them probably sound silly to those of you who have been pregnant, and I'm surprised by how many surprises I've had...after all, I watched my mom go through this several times! Anyway, I thought it would be fun to put them down for posterity (hah! Yeah right...by the time our kids are old enough to read these kind of things, blogs will have probably evolved or become outdated).
1. Maternity clothes are the most comfortable things ever. Seriously. I used to wonder why all clothes couldn't be as comfy as pajamas...maternity clothes are. Which is great, because if I had to describe pregnancy using a single word, I would probably choose "uncomfortable."
2. I can interact with my baby already. He responds to several different things...me pressing on him, me rubbing him (pressing elicits a kick, rubbing elicits what I call "pushing" where he presses himself against my hand...which feels odd on the inside of my belly!). He becomes more active if he hears Josh's "reading voice." One of my favorite things right now is being still and feeling or watching him do flips. I can tell he is getting bigger and stronger!
3. Ben shows distinct preferences already. He doesn't like pressure (he kicks madly at the seat belt the whole  time I'm in the car)...he much prefers the right side of my belly to the left (to the point where I am somewhat lopsided...weird!)...he tends to sleep when I walk and wake up when I sit or lie down.
4. Not sleeping through the night starts during pregnancy. Which is sort of nice, I guess...in the sense that hopefully I will be kind of used to it by the time I have to do midnight feedings/changing. On the other hand, these last few months probably represent my last opportunity to sleep all night for several years to come, so it would be nice to take advantage of that! Oh well...I'm becoming used to being tired.
5. I really, really like being pregnant. Even though it has led to nausea, fatigue, sleepless nights, and forced me to confront/continue to confront some fears and sorrows that I could otherwise shove to a back burner, it has been a wonderful experience so far. I hope that my experiences with my "outside baby" are similar...joyful and enjoyable even with the inevitable discomforts, fatigue, and struggles that being a mommy (especially a working mommy) entails.

The joys of spring!

Spring has made its way to central Missouri! Now, since we have lived in Texas the past few years, I had forgotten how this kind of spring looks and feels. Texas does have its own beauty in the spring (well, when it rains it does) with the wildflowers everywhere, and that is so awesome, but it is a very different kind of beauty, and a different process than what we have been seeing here the past few weeks.
First, the creeping colors start...it's really hard to describe exactly, but the branches start looking green, or yellow, or pink, or purple. There aren't leaves or flowers yet, but the actual wood starts looking the color of that which is to come. Then, a few days later, you can see buds. They aren't open into flowers yet, but you can see the shape of the bud, and the color is stronger. Then...beauty bursts forth. Bright yellow forsythia burst into flame....white Bradford pear trees (we had these in TX too, but here they are EVERYWHERE) and dogwood trees reach their pure puffiness to the sky...fuschia tulip trees and redbuds daintily scatter flower petals onto the breeze. The light, soft green of spring begins to fill in the gaps and soften the bare branches of winter. Birds are everywhere. And I get a gardening itch! I think we are not going to do a big garden this year...I'm not sure it's smart to commit to that with all the other changes that are happening in the next few months, but I will probably want to get a few herbs and veggies at least!
Oh, and the air smells really awesome. Very lightly sweet...not rich sweetness, like perfume, but just...fresh, with a light hint of fragrance. I'm not sure if I just smell this because I'm pregnant, but it is really awesome!
Hooray for spring, and renewal, and beauty...and the baby who is kicking, punching, and pushing away inside of me! He likes to poke his head into my belly button...which feels interesting, to say the least! I'd love to upload pictures, but I mostly see these things when I'm driving, sadly...maybe if we end up going for a walk this weekend (there are miles and miles of packed gravel trails around here) and see something...

Cloth diapering and sales!

Josh and I have decided to cloth diaper primarily. This is mostly because we are allergic to spending money cheap and the thought of spending up to $2000 per year on disposable diapers seems a little hard to swallow. Cloth diapering can also be a financial challenge though (see above for our thoughts on spending money) because it is really expensive to get started. However, I am hopeful that we can use the same cloth diapers for multiple kids, and we are hoping to get diapers that can snap to multiple sizes so that the same diapers can fit Ben (and hopefully others!) through a long "life span."
When I asked some of my friends about places to learn about/buy cloth diapers, they pointed me to www.cottonbabies.com as a really good site both to buy diapers and to learn the ins and outs of cloth diapering. It's actually kind of complicated, as there are many types of cloth diapers, and many brands of each, all of which have their pros and cons. Also, the washing/cleaning process can be done several ways, and requires some special equipment (not a crazy amount, but still good to know about!). Imagine my surprise when I went to the website and found out that the physical location for Cotton Babies is in St. Louis, about 1.5 hours away! And imagine my further surprise/delight (don't forget about our allergy!) to find that they were having their semi-annual "garage sale" this weekend! This is an event where moms who are done with the "little kid" stage can come and sell their gently used diapers, diapering gear, toys, clothes, and more. The store also puts out "clearance" diapers, which are diapers that are either discontinued (the model or brand name), very lightly used, etc. We decided to go, figuring that we would save on the diapers themselves if we found any, save on the shipping, and I also kind of wanted to touch and look at the diapers as opposed to just ordering online. It seemed well worth the cost of gas.
And it was! I think we made out like bandits, if I do say so myself.
We found:
A Diaper Champ diaper pail for $15 (normally $50)
An ErgoBaby diaper bag (crimson...pretty, lots of pockets, and several ways to carry that are easier on your back/shoulders...yes, I know I'm a PT nerd) for $15 (normally $55)
5 Bumgenius Elemental 1 size diapers for $15 each (normally $25 each)
2 Bumgenius 4.0 All in One pocket diapers for $10 each (normally $18 apiece)
So we saved $141 on these items! Not bad, and definitely worth the approximately $20 in gas to get out there. We did buy a couple of full price items as well (some as gifts) because I figured we might as well save the shipping on those since we were already there. We have a total of 8 diapers, which isn't even 1/4 of what we will need, but it's a start at least! Oh, and they threw in a super cute frog swaddling cloth (bamboo, so it's light enough to use in the summer) for free since we bought over $75 worth of stuff.
In other news, I am growing (it seems like a LOT in this last week...I thought week 24 wasn't officially 3rd trimester yet!!!) and Ben is kicking up a storm. I think he's still breech because of where he kicks me usually, but he flips a lot still, so hopefully he'll settle into head down in the next week or two. Josh bought Rudyard Kipling's "Just So" stories to read to him...it's really cute...he pulls up my shirt, puts his mouth close to my belly, and reads with AWESOME intonation and enthusiasm. It may be just my imagination, but I think Ben moves more and differently when Josh does that. Work is still going well, though I find myself having dizzy spells because my blood pressure drops precipitously sometimes. The weather is starting to be truly lovely (we went for a 2 mile walk today on one of the dozens of woodsy trails that surround this town, and it was awesome!), and spring flowers are coming out!