I'm not sure whether to blame pregnancy, my own selfishness, or what, but I've been feeling particularly drained the last few weeks. It is easy for me to slip into self pity...thinking things like "I wish it was possible for me to stay home, or work part time, or just take a few days off!" (and then the thoughts can deteriorate from there) I don't think I can blame my job...it is MUCH more relaxed than my previous job: fewer hours (by about 25 per week), fewer patients (by 4-5 per day), and fewer administrative responsibilities. Overall, less stress. So why am I dragging myself from the bed to the car each day and then "pep talking" my way through until I can go home? True, I'm now in my third trimester, and feeling it. True, I have literally not had any time off since I started college (graduated college, 3 weeks later started PT school, graduated that, then started working immediately, followed less than a month later by working-and-a-residency, followed about 4 months later by work-and-a-residency-and-a-doctorate...and as soon as I'd finished those, took on the most intense job of my life). I just feel so desperately in need of rest.
This whole thing has made me ponder what exactly rest is. I doubt it is what I have traditionally defined as rest...laying around on the couch or in bed reading or napping or watching a movie. Not that it is wrong to do those things for seasons or short periods of time, but I doubt that God's will for me (even though it sounds awesome right now!) is to lie around doing nothing. At least, not full time (that would be a hilarious conversation: "What do you do?" "Well, I'm a professional rester."). I have heard it defined as doing things that are relaxing and enjoyable to you (mostly I've heard that referencing hobbies or things like gardening). That sounds great to me, but I'm not in a stage of life where I'm free to do that (or at least, Josh and I haven't seen God showing us a way for that to happen). So how do I rest in the midst of my normal, daily routine? How do I literally draw my strength from God...not just the strength to leap tall buildings with a single bound, but the strength to turn the key in the ignition, drive to work, give my best to my patients, come home, exercise, etc.?
In some ways, I'm kind of glad God has brought this up now...I think it's going to be crucial in the next few months as I get closer to bring a baby into this world (read: huger, more uncomfortable, and more exhausted) and in the months after that as I try to figure out how to work full time and mother full time. It would be easy to shove my own needs aside or deny them until I hit the point of burnout, emotional breakdown, or worse. I don't have all the answers (please pray for me in this! And if any of you have suggestions or thoughts, please share!), but we are told to take our strength from Him and that He will give us what we need to do what He has called us to (not necessarily extra, but we will have what we need). I know that this world is not home, so it is not necessarily true (or maybe even likely!) that I will always feel completely rested here...that's why verses that say things like "there remains therefore a rest for the people of God" (Hebrews 4:9) are so cool! I've been pondering and praying the infamous verse found in Isaiah 40:31:
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not grow faint."
I've heard that verse all my life...sung songs about it, the whole nine yards. And now more than ever, it seems to sum up what I need most...to be able to continue to run and walk where I am called without losing heart or growing faint. To have my strength renewed...not just to survive, but to soar. Only in His strength....
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