Freedom

So, the concept of freedom in Christ has always been a challenge for me. I am, by nature, drawn to legalism...to my "ability" to redeem myself...to doing more, being more, making myself more worthy. Sadly, this line of thinking leads to slavery and fear, rather than a joyful walk. In recent weeks, I have been pondering the concept of freedom...what exactly does it mean? How do I behave as someone who is free? Obviously it doesn't mean "just do whatever in the world you want-it doesn't matter" and yet, it is so easy for me to become caught up in self regulation, and that can be as much a form of slavery as choosing to live in overt sin patterns of some kind. Maybe more so, because it is easier to justify.
I don't have complete answers as to what walking in freedom looks like. My gut tells me it is probably like many other things in this life-meaning that it looks different for each person and possibly even in each situation. I do feel that God has been clearly telling me for several weeks now that His desire is not for me to live in slavery...of any kind. And yes, that does include the slavery of "I have to make myself _____." In many ways, this means I need to re-think how I have approached life, and especially the pursuit of holiness. It isn't acceptable for me to just make myself appear a certain way on the outside by following a strict list of rules and regulations. He wants ME...the real me...not the one that I present to Him after putting on layers of makeup and careful presentation. He wants my obedience to be the byproduct, not the end goal. He wants a daughter who knows Him, walks with Him, and is, ultimately, FREE in Him. The rest will come.
As I said, this is a radical way of thinking for me, with many implications. To be honest, part of me wasn't sure it was from God...I mean, surely He wants us to be disciplined, so what is wrong with the picture of me being very strict with myself in these areas? (Please note that I am not saying discipline has no place...I am saying that in my specific case, I can often turn discipline and self-regulation into god and that can actually keep me from pursuing my real God) Then, I read Colossians with our community group, and the following verses reassured me:
If with Christ you died to the elemental spirits of the world, why, as if you were still alive in the world, do you submit to regulations— ²¹  “Do not handle, Do not taste, Do not touch” ²² ( referring to things that all perish as they are used)—according to human precepts and teachings? ²³ These have indeed an appearance of wisdom in promoting self-made religion and asceticism and severity to the body, but they are of no value in stopping the indulgence of the flesh. Colossians 2:20-23
This is what I have been doing! Providing myself with a list of needlessly strict rules and regulations, trying to create my own salvation-and it does appear wise. But it is of no value-not because it is wrong to live a life of obedience, but because it doesn't address the root of the issue-that on my own, I will seek to indulge my flesh and fill my own voids instead of running to the Bread of Life. Heaven will be so amazing, won't it? When we can truly, without reservation, live in His love and know Him, and truly see Him as He is-and by that understand ourselves? For now, I pray that He will begin to teach me what it looks like in each situation to walk in freedom and joy-to seek His Face. I'm obviously still thinking through what that means, how it will look...and I know it is possible for the pendulum to swing too far the other way...but I really, really want to begin to understand what this means and how to live it out!