I don't know when it is going to sink in that "I am a parent." I think "I am pregnant" has sunk in, especially since my little guy or gal has begun to make his/her presence known via some strong kicks (the baby actually kicked a patient through my belly today...hmmm...I think we need to have a talk about not touching strangers! Haha). But when will "I am a parent" sink in? At my 20 week ultrasound? When I am as big as a house? When I go into labor? When the baby is put in my arms for the first time? I'm sure it will at some point. Hopefully it will not be insanely overwhelming when it does. Really, I am in the easiest part of all parenthood at this moment. Sure, there's some physical discomfort...but all I have to DO is eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep (or try anyway). When the baby comes out...that's when the hard part begins.
Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to meeting my little one. I know there will be wonderful, joyous moments as well as challenging ones. But sometimes when I think too much about the insane amount of responsibility we have set ourselves up for, it feels not-doable.
I'm not talking about endless diaper changes, activities, driving places, doctor's appointments, feedings, or even nights spent walking the floor instead of sleeping. I'm not talking about tending the physical needs of my child, even though I know it can be easy to get caught up in that because it is so in demand, and RIGHT NOW.
Certainly, the emotional demands of caring for my child will be more challenging. Teaching him/her to deal with sorrow, joy, fear, etc. Helping him/her to feel truly loved (a great book on that topic is D. Ross Campbell's "How to Really Love your Child" by the way). Dying to self, putting aside what I need to tend to what his/her needs will be on an emotional level. But even that, as challenging as it will be, pales in comparison to the part that is truly the most "awesome responsibility" (and I do mean that in a breathtaking, unbelievably huge way, not in a "that's terrific!" way).
Parenting my child's soul. Leading him/her to Jesus. Pretending time is over, boys and girls.
For how can I teach my daughter beauty if I do not allow Jesus to heal my emotional and spiritual scars in this area-if I do not BELIEVE in Him for my beauty? How can I teach my son to be strong in the Lord if I live my life in fear and doubt? How can I teach my child to walk deeply with their God, to find their ultimate rest, peace, and fullness of joy in Him, if I am looking to other things for temporary relief (things that I know do not satisfy me)? THIS is the responsibility that makes me feel beyond utterly inadequate. For I am. I am not living life in utter, beautiful, restful communion with my Lord. There are many places in my heart that I have refused to give over to Him for restoration and healing.
I am so grateful for the promise that "My grace is sufficient for you, and My power is perfected in your weakness." For only the Lord can take this trembling, tenuous walk that I have and turn it into something strong, and beautiful. Only He can make me the kind of parent that will point my child to Him. I am kind of excited to see how He does it, honestly. This is going to have to be His venture, because it is not in me to fabricate it. I can't fake my way through this one.
In preparation, I am trying to be more focused about my time with Him. I'm giving Him the first part of each day, instead of trying to fit time in when and where I can...this so far has led to more consistent time in His Presence, which I hope to be the first step. I do find myself struggling with focus a little bit, but I hope that is a discipline that comes with time. Please, dear friends, pray with and for me (and Josh!) as we are in this time of preparation. Pray that our hearts will be ready-not ready for parenthood (as in prepared to handle it ourselves), but ready to throw our lot in with God, to trust Him and walk closely with Him and trust that He will make it rub off on our progeny. And feel free to keep me accountable!
PS Next time the topic will be a bit less heavy, I promise. I'm going to try to get Josh to make a video of our house so I can "show" it to you! Or at least take pictures...by the time I get home, it is too dark and they don't turn out very well.
This is super encouraging, Jenn! Putting God first in your day is an excellent habit to develop, and it will be invaluable throughout your parenting years.
ReplyDeleteI liked your questions about how you would teach things to your children that you struggle with yourself. I've wondered those same things about myself! Of course it will be the Lord's doing (I'm so thankful He's so faithful!) But if you're looking for resources and daily encouragement in your walk with the Lord, I've found Ann Voskamp's blog to be excellent. She's a good example for young wives and moms. You can find her at aholyexperience.com. I appreciate that she always points to truth in the Word rather than some new thing "to do." Her emphasis is definitely on the power in God's Word (and God, of course!).
What an encouraging post Jen. I believe you are gifted in best expressing yourself in writing. Thank you so much for sharing all this. It ministers to my soul dear friend! :) I have shared many of your same thoughts about my inadequacy as a parent. Which, speaking of, for me, I don't think it really set in that I am a parent until after Aleyah was born, perhaps several weeks to months after. It was a surreal feeling when it did sink in. My times with the Lord have been my saving grace. I'm encouraged to hear about the priority you've made that. The Lord will meet you there and speak to you!! I agree with Karina that Ann Voskamp is a great example and resource to moms. I don't follow her blog, as I'm following some others. In general, there are tons of moms out there using their blogs to reach out to moms in need of the Lord's encouragement. Thanks again for sharing!
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