I don't know when it is going to sink in that "I am a parent." I think "I am pregnant" has sunk in, especially since my little guy or gal has begun to make his/her presence known via some strong kicks (the baby actually kicked a patient through my belly today...hmmm...I think we need to have a talk about not touching strangers! Haha). But when will "I am a parent" sink in? At my 20 week ultrasound? When I am as big as a house? When I go into labor? When the baby is put in my arms for the first time? I'm sure it will at some point. Hopefully it will not be insanely overwhelming when it does. Really, I am in the easiest part of all parenthood at this moment. Sure, there's some physical discomfort...but all I have to DO is eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep (or try anyway). When the baby comes out...that's when the hard part begins.
Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to meeting my little one. I know there will be wonderful, joyous moments as well as challenging ones. But sometimes when I think too much about the insane amount of responsibility we have set ourselves up for, it feels not-doable.
I'm not talking about endless diaper changes, activities, driving places, doctor's appointments, feedings, or even nights spent walking the floor instead of sleeping. I'm not talking about tending the physical needs of my child, even though I know it can be easy to get caught up in that because it is so in demand, and RIGHT NOW.
Certainly, the emotional demands of caring for my child will be more challenging. Teaching him/her to deal with sorrow, joy, fear, etc. Helping him/her to feel truly loved (a great book on that topic is D. Ross Campbell's "How to Really Love your Child" by the way). Dying to self, putting aside what I need to tend to what his/her needs will be on an emotional level. But even that, as challenging as it will be, pales in comparison to the part that is truly the most "awesome responsibility" (and I do mean that in a breathtaking, unbelievably huge way, not in a "that's terrific!" way).
Parenting my child's soul. Leading him/her to Jesus. Pretending time is over, boys and girls.
For how can I teach my daughter beauty if I do not allow Jesus to heal my emotional and spiritual scars in this area-if I do not BELIEVE in Him for my beauty? How can I teach my son to be strong in the Lord if I live my life in fear and doubt? How can I teach my child to walk deeply with their God, to find their ultimate rest, peace, and fullness of joy in Him, if I am looking to other things for temporary relief (things that I know do not satisfy me)? THIS is the responsibility that makes me feel beyond utterly inadequate. For I am. I am not living life in utter, beautiful, restful communion with my Lord. There are many places in my heart that I have refused to give over to Him for restoration and healing.
I am so grateful for the promise that "My grace is sufficient for you, and My power is perfected in your weakness." For only the Lord can take this trembling, tenuous walk that I have and turn it into something strong, and beautiful. Only He can make me the kind of parent that will point my child to Him. I am kind of excited to see how He does it, honestly. This is going to have to be His venture, because it is not in me to fabricate it. I can't fake my way through this one.
In preparation, I am trying to be more focused about my time with Him. I'm giving Him the first part of each day, instead of trying to fit time in when and where I can...this so far has led to more consistent time in His Presence, which I hope to be the first step. I do find myself struggling with focus a little bit, but I hope that is a discipline that comes with time. Please, dear friends, pray with and for me (and Josh!) as we are in this time of preparation. Pray that our hearts will be ready-not ready for parenthood (as in prepared to handle it ourselves), but ready to throw our lot in with God, to trust Him and walk closely with Him and trust that He will make it rub off on our progeny. And feel free to keep me accountable!
PS Next time the topic will be a bit less heavy, I promise. I'm going to try to get Josh to make a video of our house so I can "show" it to you! Or at least take pictures...by the time I get home, it is too dark and they don't turn out very well.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Twas a dark and stormy night...
I was awakened by a thunderstorm VERRRYYYYY early this morning and then (as often happens to me these days) couldn't go back to sleep. My abdomen was very uncomfortable (that also often happens these days...I think it's from stretching and organs being displaced from their usual abode) so I was holding it with my hands with some pressure (helps...don't ask me why). All of a sudden, I felt something kind of "roll" under my hand! And that, dear friends, is the first time I have consciously touched my baby. :-)
Now, I have been palpating down there for a few weeks now, hoping to feel something (I can feel my uterus, but hoping to feel the baby). And I have felt things, but not the baby (did you know that you have a pulse in your abdomen? I don't know if that's always the case or if it's stronger right now because of increased blood flow to my uterus, but it's definitely there!). It made it a little harder that I wasn't quite sure what exactly I was feeling for. When you read about quickening, it almost always says "It is hard to describe" and then follows it with some rather unhelpful comparisons (butterfly wings, goldfish...yeah, like I know what a goldfish fluttering in my stomach would feel like!). I admit I was kind of skeptical...I mean, women have been feeling this for centuries, so can't they come up with a more definitive description?
Now I kind of understand. I'm sure it feels different for everyone, like many things with the human body. For me, it did not feel like butterflies or goldfish...it felt like I imagine a blanket would feel if someone poked their fist up through it and then dragged it along for a bit before dropping back down. That might be because I was feeling it with my hand (I've felt it twice today, and both times it was with my hand, not my belly...guessing the baby needs to be bigger/kick harder for me to feel it from inside my tummy).
So I lay there in the dark, listening to the thunder and feeling my baby swim and move and play. It was so beautiful...I look forward to feeling it more. :-)
Now, I have been palpating down there for a few weeks now, hoping to feel something (I can feel my uterus, but hoping to feel the baby). And I have felt things, but not the baby (did you know that you have a pulse in your abdomen? I don't know if that's always the case or if it's stronger right now because of increased blood flow to my uterus, but it's definitely there!). It made it a little harder that I wasn't quite sure what exactly I was feeling for. When you read about quickening, it almost always says "It is hard to describe" and then follows it with some rather unhelpful comparisons (butterfly wings, goldfish...yeah, like I know what a goldfish fluttering in my stomach would feel like!). I admit I was kind of skeptical...I mean, women have been feeling this for centuries, so can't they come up with a more definitive description?
Now I kind of understand. I'm sure it feels different for everyone, like many things with the human body. For me, it did not feel like butterflies or goldfish...it felt like I imagine a blanket would feel if someone poked their fist up through it and then dragged it along for a bit before dropping back down. That might be because I was feeling it with my hand (I've felt it twice today, and both times it was with my hand, not my belly...guessing the baby needs to be bigger/kick harder for me to feel it from inside my tummy).
So I lay there in the dark, listening to the thunder and feeling my baby swim and move and play. It was so beautiful...I look forward to feeling it more. :-)
Monday, January 16, 2012
I'm still alive!
But still no internet. At the moment I'm borrowing a neighbor's signal. Ours should get connected sometime this week though!
I'm still very much enjoying work, so far. The hours are reasonable, and the load is such that I can work and come home with a little energy left (I've finally hit 2nd trimester, so I'm sure that helps as well! But work was draining me long before I was pregnant).
Josh and I are looking for a church. No luck so far, so we'll keep trying! That was actually the thing that Josh selected as his thing that he was least looking forward to about moving. Me too. We aren't naturally social butterflies or very extroverted, and we're a little spoiled in that we just came from a really good church situation. However, it's only been 2 weeks, so I'm not giving up yet! We are at least getting some ideas of what we do/don't like and what we can/can't compromise on. We've made the mistake of "settling" in a church before, and don't want to do that again, so it will just take however long it takes.
I have had some disappointment recently in my interactions with some fellow believers, however. It makes me sad, and I'm not 100% sure how to deal with some of the comments. They all have related to the baby and our choices surrounding the baby. Some were solicited, some were not.
One category of comments, if you will, has arisen from my decision to birth in a hospital setting here. I have good reasons (I feel) for doing so, but you should hear some of the things I have heard as a response to that! Mostly they have come from people who don't know me well or at all as I have attempted to get a word of mouth referral to a doctor who will be natural birth friendly.
"Don't you know that you are immediately increasing your risk of a C section by at least 50% just by choosing to walk in the doors of a hospital?"
"I would think that if you really loved your baby and trusted God enough, you would do whatever you have to do (read: have it at home) to keep anything bad from happening."
"I just know that all the hospital birth stories I have heard were horrible, and all the home birth stories were amazing."
The second category of people is the one that finds out that my current plan is to go back to work after having the baby.
"Haven't you read all the verses about being a keeper of the home? Don't you know that it's better for you to raise the baby?"
"You really shouldn't have a child if you are planning to put your career first."
"Do you understand that having a child is not the same as having a pet?"
And my favorite. The Look. The one that means all of the above and more, but the person giving it has some social inhibitions against actually saying these things or something similar.
Now, obviously these are the worst of the worst comments. But I have had similar responses (just worded more nicely) from quite a few people.
I promise you, friends, I am not choosing a hospital birth because I want to harm my child. I'm not itching to have major abdominal surgery. I don't think that I love my child any less because I am planning a hospital birth.
Likewise, I am not going back to work because I don't want the responsibility of caring for my child. In fact, my preference would be to stay home. But we are not currently in a situation where that would be possible/wise. I think/hope I have fewer stars in my eyes about children and childcare than many people do with their first child. I understand that it is a lot of work. I fully expect to live in a land of exhaustion, where I work hard to earn money, then come home to pour out all that I have left and more for my husband and child(ren). I intend to do the all night thing just like everyone else. No, this isn't the way I imagined it would be when I was a naive little girl fantasizing about what life might look like. But it is the way that it turned out. Is it just the way life shakes out? Is it a result of my own and/or other people's sin? Perhaps a sign that we/I do not trust God enough? Would, indeed, my faith be bigger if I just quit my job with no other means of income in sight? Would God honor that by providing, or would it be the height of stupidity? He does call us to be wise, but also to trust...
I don't know. I just know that right now, this is our situation. If God opens a way for me to stay home, then I will gladly take it. For now, however, I am going to work 40 hours/week after my maternity leave and Josh/my Mom will tag team for baby care during that time. When I come home, I expect to be doing the majority of childcare so Josh can study (he's hoping to go back to school).
Anyway, that's where my conflicted thoughts have been lately! If any of you (especially the moms who I'm sure have heard input you may or may not have wanted along the way) have thoughts of how to respond/deal with these kind of comments, I am all ears! For now, I'm trying to believe and trust that there is more than one good way to raise a child, and that God will guide us and give us what we need when we need it.
I'm still very much enjoying work, so far. The hours are reasonable, and the load is such that I can work and come home with a little energy left (I've finally hit 2nd trimester, so I'm sure that helps as well! But work was draining me long before I was pregnant).
Josh and I are looking for a church. No luck so far, so we'll keep trying! That was actually the thing that Josh selected as his thing that he was least looking forward to about moving. Me too. We aren't naturally social butterflies or very extroverted, and we're a little spoiled in that we just came from a really good church situation. However, it's only been 2 weeks, so I'm not giving up yet! We are at least getting some ideas of what we do/don't like and what we can/can't compromise on. We've made the mistake of "settling" in a church before, and don't want to do that again, so it will just take however long it takes.
I have had some disappointment recently in my interactions with some fellow believers, however. It makes me sad, and I'm not 100% sure how to deal with some of the comments. They all have related to the baby and our choices surrounding the baby. Some were solicited, some were not.
One category of comments, if you will, has arisen from my decision to birth in a hospital setting here. I have good reasons (I feel) for doing so, but you should hear some of the things I have heard as a response to that! Mostly they have come from people who don't know me well or at all as I have attempted to get a word of mouth referral to a doctor who will be natural birth friendly.
"Don't you know that you are immediately increasing your risk of a C section by at least 50% just by choosing to walk in the doors of a hospital?"
"I would think that if you really loved your baby and trusted God enough, you would do whatever you have to do (read: have it at home) to keep anything bad from happening."
"I just know that all the hospital birth stories I have heard were horrible, and all the home birth stories were amazing."
The second category of people is the one that finds out that my current plan is to go back to work after having the baby.
"Haven't you read all the verses about being a keeper of the home? Don't you know that it's better for you to raise the baby?"
"You really shouldn't have a child if you are planning to put your career first."
"Do you understand that having a child is not the same as having a pet?"
And my favorite. The Look. The one that means all of the above and more, but the person giving it has some social inhibitions against actually saying these things or something similar.
Now, obviously these are the worst of the worst comments. But I have had similar responses (just worded more nicely) from quite a few people.
I promise you, friends, I am not choosing a hospital birth because I want to harm my child. I'm not itching to have major abdominal surgery. I don't think that I love my child any less because I am planning a hospital birth.
Likewise, I am not going back to work because I don't want the responsibility of caring for my child. In fact, my preference would be to stay home. But we are not currently in a situation where that would be possible/wise. I think/hope I have fewer stars in my eyes about children and childcare than many people do with their first child. I understand that it is a lot of work. I fully expect to live in a land of exhaustion, where I work hard to earn money, then come home to pour out all that I have left and more for my husband and child(ren). I intend to do the all night thing just like everyone else. No, this isn't the way I imagined it would be when I was a naive little girl fantasizing about what life might look like. But it is the way that it turned out. Is it just the way life shakes out? Is it a result of my own and/or other people's sin? Perhaps a sign that we/I do not trust God enough? Would, indeed, my faith be bigger if I just quit my job with no other means of income in sight? Would God honor that by providing, or would it be the height of stupidity? He does call us to be wise, but also to trust...
I don't know. I just know that right now, this is our situation. If God opens a way for me to stay home, then I will gladly take it. For now, however, I am going to work 40 hours/week after my maternity leave and Josh/my Mom will tag team for baby care during that time. When I come home, I expect to be doing the majority of childcare so Josh can study (he's hoping to go back to school).
Anyway, that's where my conflicted thoughts have been lately! If any of you (especially the moms who I'm sure have heard input you may or may not have wanted along the way) have thoughts of how to respond/deal with these kind of comments, I am all ears! For now, I'm trying to believe and trust that there is more than one good way to raise a child, and that God will guide us and give us what we need when we need it.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Thoughts...
Well, I think that pictures are going to have to wait until we get internet at our place! We're back and forth a lot between my parents' house and ours (the benefit of living only about 5minutes apart!) so we do get to use the internet, but pictures from my mom's computer are logisitically challenging for me, so we'll wait until I can do it from my computer.
We just have a couple of stubborn boxes to unpack. Yesterday we went furniture shopping and stimulated the Missouri economy, but I think that the pieces we got will go really great in our house and make it easier for us to have "a place for everything." Our house is very livable, though, so that is awesome. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight!
Today marks my 15th week of pregnancy, or rather the beginning of my 15th week (oh boy, I really need to get on top of finding a doctor for prenatal care...). I still don't think I look very pregnant...I can tell, but I think people who don't know me well probably just think I have a bit of a big belly normally! I have continued to lose weight...not on purpose, it's just happening. I'm not complaining, of course, as I had plenty of extra before this whole thing started. I could continue to lose at the same rate I have been so far (about 2 pounds/week on average) for the rest of the pregnancy and still finish it at a healthy weight for me and the baby. It is kind of odd to have everything shrink except my tummy, which is growing, though!
So far, regarding pregnancy:
Favorites: I actually like my tummy, strange as that probably sounds. The little roundness is a good/reassuring reminder that there is something really awesome going on in there.
I love the freedom I've had in not having to constantly think about food or weight. I have been praying about that being something that can continue after the baby comes...the amount of bondage/pressure I was living under constantly before cannot have been from God, and it's so relieving to not have to worry about it now.
Josh is very cute when he interacts with my belly. ;-)
Least favorite:
Going to the bathroom all. the. time. Really, I like that less than even the nausea (which is going away, thankfully!). I've been told that lets up some in the second trimester, so I hope that is the case.
Well, friends, that's your Sunday afternoon update...now I'm going to go watch football with a bowl full of cherries! :-)
We just have a couple of stubborn boxes to unpack. Yesterday we went furniture shopping and stimulated the Missouri economy, but I think that the pieces we got will go really great in our house and make it easier for us to have "a place for everything." Our house is very livable, though, so that is awesome. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight!
Today marks my 15th week of pregnancy, or rather the beginning of my 15th week (oh boy, I really need to get on top of finding a doctor for prenatal care...). I still don't think I look very pregnant...I can tell, but I think people who don't know me well probably just think I have a bit of a big belly normally! I have continued to lose weight...not on purpose, it's just happening. I'm not complaining, of course, as I had plenty of extra before this whole thing started. I could continue to lose at the same rate I have been so far (about 2 pounds/week on average) for the rest of the pregnancy and still finish it at a healthy weight for me and the baby. It is kind of odd to have everything shrink except my tummy, which is growing, though!
So far, regarding pregnancy:
Favorites: I actually like my tummy, strange as that probably sounds. The little roundness is a good/reassuring reminder that there is something really awesome going on in there.
I love the freedom I've had in not having to constantly think about food or weight. I have been praying about that being something that can continue after the baby comes...the amount of bondage/pressure I was living under constantly before cannot have been from God, and it's so relieving to not have to worry about it now.
Josh is very cute when he interacts with my belly. ;-)
Least favorite:
Going to the bathroom all. the. time. Really, I like that less than even the nausea (which is going away, thankfully!). I've been told that lets up some in the second trimester, so I hope that is the case.
Well, friends, that's your Sunday afternoon update...now I'm going to go watch football with a bowl full of cherries! :-)
Thursday, January 5, 2012
All things must have a beginning, I suppose...
So, yes, it is true, gentle readers...I have at last joined the modern world and started a blog. I know, crazy! We'll see how long/if I can keep up with it, but I thought it would be a fun way to keep up with people, post some pictures about life, etc. A word of warning/disclaimer (for some reason I often find it necessary to give disclaimers about things): some of you are wonderful writers. I do not claim this honor, nor do I think I at all merit it, so please forgive me if some of this is a bit...rough, shall we say. Truly, the purpose of this is to give me a platform to share life with you...for your literature/mind betterment, I'm afraid you'll have to stick to the tried-and-true classics: Moby-Dick, Oliver Twist, Grapes of Wrath, and the like.
So, we have almost kind of sort of completed the moving process! This is very exciting to me, as I feel we have been "in transit" for a long time. We were very sad to leave friends and family behind, but I do think this move will be good for us. Our things arrived yesterday, with fairly minimal damage (in all, 3 things are broken, only 1 of them irreparably), and thanks to help from friends/family and my very hard-working and determined husband, we are nearly unpacked! There is stuff everywhere, of course, but the boxes are mostly empty. Most of what is left to do is the "finishing touches"...putting up curtains, putting pictures on the wall, etc. It is at times like this that I am briefly jealous of people who have a natural gift for decorating. I do not have this gift, and my education (both formal and otherwise) was sadly lacking in this area. As a result, I feel my house can have a very "uncoordinated" look to it. Oh well, home is home, correct?
I have been at my new job for 3 days now (2 extraordinarily boring orientation days and 1 "real day" today) and so far I think I will like it. The pace seems much more relaxed than my former job, which is a very good thing! (and I am basing this on the way my new coworkers work, appear, and interact with each other as much as anything...I know I haven't been there long enough to have a good feel for it!)
I am certain there will be other posts which are more "contenty" than this one...but for now, that is our brief update! Hopefully I will be able to post some photos of our unpacked house soon!
So, we have almost kind of sort of completed the moving process! This is very exciting to me, as I feel we have been "in transit" for a long time. We were very sad to leave friends and family behind, but I do think this move will be good for us. Our things arrived yesterday, with fairly minimal damage (in all, 3 things are broken, only 1 of them irreparably), and thanks to help from friends/family and my very hard-working and determined husband, we are nearly unpacked! There is stuff everywhere, of course, but the boxes are mostly empty. Most of what is left to do is the "finishing touches"...putting up curtains, putting pictures on the wall, etc. It is at times like this that I am briefly jealous of people who have a natural gift for decorating. I do not have this gift, and my education (both formal and otherwise) was sadly lacking in this area. As a result, I feel my house can have a very "uncoordinated" look to it. Oh well, home is home, correct?
I have been at my new job for 3 days now (2 extraordinarily boring orientation days and 1 "real day" today) and so far I think I will like it. The pace seems much more relaxed than my former job, which is a very good thing! (and I am basing this on the way my new coworkers work, appear, and interact with each other as much as anything...I know I haven't been there long enough to have a good feel for it!)
I am certain there will be other posts which are more "contenty" than this one...but for now, that is our brief update! Hopefully I will be able to post some photos of our unpacked house soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)