In which I am painfully honest

Brutally, even. If you are not a pretty close friend, this won't be an enjoyable post for you to read. Even if you are, it will likely not be enjoyable, but maybe helpful/good. And if anyone is not up for brutal honesty and seeing my raw/painful side....that is okay. I think I'm partly writing this for me anyway.
I am a little over halfway through my maternity leave. Which means I still have almost 6 weeks left-WAY longer than I would ever be able to take off under any other circumstances and "should" mean I'm not struggling with going back yet! BUT I have been struggling with (dreading, crying, begging God for rescue) going back to work since day 1. I thought it would be easier the second time-I already survived it once. But it's not. It's harder. I think partly because I now have to leave 2 of the most amazing kids on the planet, partly because I am now painfully aware of just how  much I am missing and how fast time flies, and probably partly postpartum hormones.
When I was a little girl, people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I used to answer all kinds of crazy things when I was really little...but my answer from the time I was old enough to know what I was saying until I was basically forced to choose a career or training path was..."mother." I passionately love children, especially young children. I have looked forward to this part of my life since I can remember-the part where I got to have babies of my own to love, hold, raise...and yes, get frustrated with, deal with tantrums, etc. I knew that was part of it. I grew up as the oldest of 7-I did not have a romanticized idea of what raising children was like.
And now I find myself in this part of life...and I love it. I love it so much. It's not a perfect fantasy world. My 20 month old throws screaming tantrums when something doesn't go his way. We have to discipline him for kicking people when he doesn't want his diaper changed (I have no idea what that phase is about). My 1 month old sometimes screams non stop from 9 until well after midnight and just about always keeps me up super late while the 20 month old is up well before 7 without fail. But I still love it. The last 6 weeks have been beautiful. I love hugging and playing, even figuring out how to fit in a much needed floor cleaning or diaper laundry load. And yet...through choices made by myself, others, and just "the way life is"...I find myself missing the vast majority of their baby lives. I get to be with them for 12 all too brief weeks and then, for all intents and purposes, hand their care and raising over to others. I am SO lucky that I can give that sacred trust to people who love them, and I believe that Josh is a phenomenal Dad and my mom is an amazing grandmother....but I want to do it. I want to be there to kiss the boo boos, to see the first roll over, to hear the first time they say a new word. I don't want just pictures and videos. I HATE that one of the first lessons they have to learn is "Mommy and milk are sometimes here and sometimes not-for no understandable reason."
I know. I know that I sound like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. I feel that way sometimes too. I am also incredibly blessed that I love what I do. I am very highly trained, (not to toot my own horn but it is true) very good at most aspects of what I do, and one of only a few therapists in the country with my exact skill set. I am not miserable all day at work, and heaven knows I am not bored. But my heart yearns for my children, especially right now, during their young years. Maybe I wouldn't really feel different if they were 15, but I kind of feel like I might. I struggle with feeling cheated.
You know all those memes that say things like "no one ever looked back and said 'I wish I spent less time with my kids and more at work'" etc.? Those always hit me hard in the gut. I KNOW I will regret spending this time at work. I already regret it, grieve it, deeply. But the almighty dollar dictates that I must. I hate it, because in theory, of course I would not want to trade time with my children for something as silly as money....but in reality, that isn't really a choice I have. I also find that many "mommy advice or encouragement" blogs or articles are geared toward encouraging moms who stay home, helping them realize how valuable what they do is despite the lack of paycheck, etc. Those also feel a bit like a stab in the heart. Maybe I need to stop reading them....
I am still halfheartedly begging God for rescue. And there may be rescue on the horizon. There is a possibility that Josh and I could switch once he finishes school in May, or that I could at least cut back somewhat on my hours. I am terrified to hope, though-how much more will it hurt if it doesn't come to be? And we don't know if it is really a possibility or when.
Anyway, if you have made it this far, thanks for taking the time. Now you know the "ugly me"-the selfish me, the whiny me, the me that I try to keep under the surface. I want to be real, though...and I would appreciate prayers or encouragement, if you have any (but please know that for me, saying things like "they will get over it" or "they will learn" doesn't actually encourage me, it just makes me feel horribly guilty and reinforces the feeling that I am abandoning them). I really don't want to spend the next 5.5 weeks fixating on the coming return to work-I want to cherish my time with my children. I am kind of hoping that getting this out on "paper" will help me do that. And I hope that, regardless of what ends up happening, I will be able to do what I am called to do to the best of my ability-whatever balance that ends up being between working in and out of the home. I want to give the best that I am to my children and my patients-I now echo the plea of all mothers around the world-I think I need another me!

Hadassah Grace-the First Month

My precious girl is a month old! I can hardly believe it-the last few weeks have truly flown. It is crazy how the last few days and weeks of pregnancy drag by and yet the first few of outside life pass in the blink of a sleep deprived eye!
So far she still loves to snuggle and she only has a few longer awake periods, though those have increased the last few days.  I am soaking up the snuggle time as much as I can!
She is pretty vocal both when awake and asleep. She has a groaning noise (which can quickly escalate to full in crying) for when her diaper is wet. The child absolutely despises having a wet or dirty diaper-in fact I think more of her night wakings are related to this than hunger (she often wants her diaper changed 4 times or more at night)-wish I could figure out how to do a diaper change without sitting up!! She also makes the sweetest little mmmm-mmmm noise while nursing, which is clearly her favorite activity!
I think this girl has some fire in her veins! She gets frustrated pretty quickly (mostly with nursing/latching and waiting for a letdown). This is getting better as she gets better at nursing-hopefully we will be able to help her channel all that passion and do amazing things with it! She is also such a sweet snuggly baby.
She definitely has a preference for Mommy right now-totally normal for a little baby. Josh has dubbed himself "the boobless one" and says she is unimpressed with him. I know that will change as she gets older and for right now I am snuggling her as much as I can. Josh pointed out that I am touching her at least 23 hours per day- probably true. I think a part of me desperately hopes that she can somehow store up the snuggles and love for when I abandon her...errr, return to work....just 8 short weeks from now. It kills me to know that I can't be there for her then. Anyway, that could be a blog post of its own, and may be one day, but not today.
The rest of us are doing famously! I am over my infection and just have a few weeks left of intense pelvic rest but already I feel so much better and have so much less pain than before she was born which is very encouraging! I am still struggling with energy but my dr thinks that is normal and a cumulative effect of the craziness my body has gone through the last 2 years, so she recommended rest and listening to my body, and we expect things will be much better there soon! I am absolutely loving being home with my kids-living my dream job even just for a little...snuggling my baby, playing and reading with my toddler, trips to the potty, snacks, and lots of hugs and cuddles and nursing!
Josh is incredibly busy with school. This is his last semester and it is a full one! He literally spends all day every day doing schoolwork and writing papers-I am so proud of how hard he is working! We don't know what is ahead when he is done but it is exciting to be almost there!
Ben is adapting to his big brother role beautifully! He is so sweet with his sister- the two of them pretty much melt my heart daily! His vocabulary expands daily though we are still working on using words instead of tantrums if things don't go our way...ongoing work in progress!! He will be so happy when winter is over as he clearly misses playing outside! He nurses about 5 times a day right now-I think it is helping the transition so not placing limits yet, though I will eventually. His favorite song is Jesus Loves Me and his favorite activity is taking baths or showers. Random, but hey, he's clean!
We love you all!