The last week...

I am down to one week of maternity leave. I don't really have words to describe how the quick passage of time has been for me during leave. It's almost as if I am being dragged toward a precipice and no matter what I do, I WILL be thrown off the edge at a predetermined time-I still am kicking and dragging my feet and trying to make it go slower, but it doesn't matter, I'm going off no matter what.
I would like to just list a few things I have LOVED and have been so thankful for during maternity leave-aka, my stint of pretending to be a SAHM. I didn't know to appreciate these things with Ben because I didn't know what to compare them to. Now I know what I am in for and know to love these things for the sweet moments they have been. Oh, and for the record-at least for me, going back the second time is far, far worse than the first. Not only am I leaving TWO kids instead of one, I know with painful certainty how quickly time will fly and just how much I will miss.
1. I have so deeply enjoyed getting to know my son more deeply and teach him. He's at such a fun age where language is really starting to develop and it is SO fun to help him with that. The "fun" flip side is that there is also a lot of frustration and tantruming-but that is part of it, and I am learning with him how to deal with those. I am going to miss being able to help guide him on a daily basis.
2. It is nice to not RUSH all the time. Not that I'm not busy-I am amazed by how full my days are with the everyday (and how I LOVE even the mundaneness of everyday home life with my babies). But I have enjoyed not being jarred awake by the alarm, then stressing/rushing to get baby fed/changed and myself read (and maybe fed), out the door (do I have all the things I need? Especially pump parts), then rushing during my work day-stressing over which patient will be late at just the wrong time to make it impossible or difficult for me to pump, will I be able to do my paperwork fast enough to leave somewhat close to when I am supposed to be done, will an emergency come up that forces me to stay late, are my babies okay??? It is nice to BE and just take the day as it comes-with my kids.
3. I really love being able to go to the bathroom or take a shower by myself without crushing guilt. Now don't get me wrong-I can count the number of times I have showered alone these last 12 weeks on 1 hand (I am pretty sure 2 fingers, mayyyybe 3) and I don't often go to the bathroom alone either, but when I do, I don't feel horribly guilty the way I did when I was working (how dare I take away one more minute when I am already missing so much with them). When I am working, I feel the need to be 100% actively engaged with family every minute I am home, and when that just isn't possible, I struggle with immense guilt. It goes beyond not taking time for myself, as in crafts/hobbies, down time, etc.-I don't expect to have that in this stage of life, and I am okay with it. We're talking intense guilt over taking a 10 minute shower. Not fun.
4. I love that I have the weight of one or both of the kids in my arms nearly all the time. Hadassah has really been held for most of her life (mostly by me) and Ben also gets his fair share of snuggle time. I have so enjoyed holding them both, having quiet moments when one or both are drifting to sleep, whispered "I love yous". I will certainly still be able to hold them after I go back to work, but it will be in moments of beauty, not all day every day.
5. I love not feeling like a bad mom. When I was working, I felt like a bad mom all the time. I don't know if others thought that (I'm sure some did) but I felt like this imposter who wasn't really a mom or who was a mom in name only. I still have those moments as a faux stay at home mom, of course-we all do!-but not all day every day, constantly. I don't have to cringe right now when I hear comments about how people love their kids too much to not stay home with them, I can nod in agreement when I hear admonitions that no one ever said on their death bed that they wished they spent more time at work, and I can feel like I am one of the primary influences in my kids' lives, rather than just some person on the periphery who never does enough and certainly is never there enough.
6. I have enjoyed sleeping. I don't sleep a lot, but WAY more than after I went back to work last time (I would say I was probably sleeping an average of 3-4 hours per night in 30-45 minute stretches due to Ben's need to nurse and make up for lost mommy time all night).
I know we will be okay. No one died last time, and Ben seems fairly well adjusted. We are going to have a rough first 5 weeks (that's the overlap between me going back to work and Josh finishing this very intense semester) but then it will probably get better, at least from a logistical standpoint and definitely MUCH easier for Josh. Thankfully, the schedule works to where Hadassah can come nurse at lunch (and I'm sure Ben will want to nurse then too) so that will help some. And yet, the cliff looms, a mere vacation's length away, and this time next week will be here before I know it. Oh, children, babies, I am so sorry....

Month 2 of Having 2!

2 month photo!

Hadassah officially turned 2 months old yesterday (Ben turned 21 months old the day before that)! Goodness, time is passing so quickly. It is so fun to see her grow, and yet I want it to slow down...just a little...especially because by the time her next "month birthday" comes I will be back to being a full time absentee working mother.
I have so deeply loved being with my amazing, adorable, wonderful children these 2 months. It is so fun to form deeper bonds with them, and I have actually kind of enjoyed the challenge of trying to get the basic housework done with both of them. This month we have started venturing out a little bit (mostly to doctor's appointments, but also some to friends' houses, the park, etc.) which is definitely much more intimidating and challenging with 2 than 1! Especially because Ben is still young enough that he can't be trusted to necessarily stay with me in parking lots (or not throw a screaming fit in the middle of the doctor's office because I am directing him away from something he wants to explore). Thank goodness for babywearing. Seriously, I don't know how I would do the 2 babies without that! I can tie Ben to my back (double win-he loves it so no fits, I am in complete control of where he can and cannot go, and I am also able to limit what he can get into without fighting him-wait, that's a triple win!) and carry Hadassah in front. At times, I will tie Hadassah in front as well in order to mop the floor or do some other task that requires two hands.

Mopping day!

I am really actually enjoying having 2 close together. So many people (when I was pregnant and now) will give me horrified looks when they learn how close together they are and say something along the lines of "wow, you are busy" or something else that really means "you are crazy and I am so so sooooo glad it's you and not me!" While they are certainly entitled to feel that way, I honestly love having the two so close in age. Really, the biggest "inconvenience" is how stinking fast we go through diapers!  We were doing diaper laundry about every 2 days for a while-now it's about every 3, and I suspect it will stay there for a while-much more doable! But because they are both in baby stage still (less so with Ben, but still somewhat), there has been so much sweet time spent snuggling (either tandem nursing, or reading him a story while Hadassah nurses or sleeps), we have been able to triandem nap (love that!!), and the plus of 2 in diapers is we can just do big family diaper changes when the need arises!

Plus, these moments happen!

So far the biggest challenge for me is lack of sleep. Hadassah is still a night owl, while Ben is a (super super) early morning bird. So in addition to the waking up all night, I've got one who likes to party til all hours (often past midnight) and one who likes to be up before 6! In some ways I guess it's good training for going back to work, in others...well, I wish I could rest up now! (not that sleep carries over or anything) On a lot of mornings, my amazing husband takes Ben out so I can catch another catnap before getting up, which helps tremendously!
New things Hadassah is doing this month:
Smiling back! We still have to work pretty hard to get it out of her, but she will smile back at us. And oh goodness-this girl is beautiful anyway, but a smile transforms her face into a pretty angelic one. I keep trying to capture it photographically and so far have had limited success. One day, I will show you!
She also coos back at us when we talk to her, which is pretty darn cute!
She still really loves snuggling, especially with Mommy, but is starting to do much better with letting other people hold her and wear her (this kid LOOOVVESSS being worn and definitely shows a preference for which wrap she loves best...unfortunately her favorite one isn't actually mine! Thankfully the friend whose wrap it actually is won't need it herself till August, so worst case, we've got a little bit to try to get her to fall in love with one that belongs to us).
She isn't taking a pacifier very well. She doesn't suck fingers either. I'm a little concerned about this for when I go back to work, since sucking is clearly very soothing for her. But maybe she will for someone who doesn't smell like milkies.

Hadassah's favorite wrap-it has the Celtic symbol for motherhood woven into it

Oh, I love motherhood so much...I am so thankful to be in the "little babies" stage of my life. Of course it is not all sunshine and roses, there are challenges along the way, but overall I am truly thankful to be here right now!