I'm not sure whether to blame pregnancy, my own selfishness, or what, but I've been feeling particularly drained the last few weeks. It is easy for me to slip into self pity...thinking things like "I wish it was possible for me to stay home, or work part time, or just take a few days off!" (and then the thoughts can deteriorate from there) I don't think I can blame my job...it is MUCH more relaxed than my previous job: fewer hours (by about 25 per week), fewer patients (by 4-5 per day), and fewer administrative responsibilities. Overall, less stress. So why am I dragging myself from the bed to the car each day and then "pep talking" my way through until I can go home? True, I'm now in my third trimester, and feeling it. True, I have literally not had any time off since I started college (graduated college, 3 weeks later started PT school, graduated that, then started working immediately, followed less than a month later by working-and-a-residency, followed about 4 months later by work-and-a-residency-and-a-doctorate...and as soon as I'd finished those, took on the most intense job of my life). I just feel so desperately in need of rest.
This whole thing has made me ponder what exactly rest is. I doubt it is what I have traditionally defined as rest...laying around on the couch or in bed reading or napping or watching a movie. Not that it is wrong to do those things for seasons or short periods of time, but I doubt that God's will for me (even though it sounds awesome right now!) is to lie around doing nothing. At least, not full time (that would be a hilarious conversation: "What do you do?" "Well, I'm a professional rester."). I have heard it defined as doing things that are relaxing and enjoyable to you (mostly I've heard that referencing hobbies or things like gardening). That sounds great to me, but I'm not in a stage of life where I'm free to do that (or at least, Josh and I haven't seen God showing us a way for that to happen). So how do I rest in the midst of my normal, daily routine? How do I literally draw my strength from God...not just the strength to leap tall buildings with a single bound, but the strength to turn the key in the ignition, drive to work, give my best to my patients, come home, exercise, etc.?
In some ways, I'm kind of glad God has brought this up now...I think it's going to be crucial in the next few months as I get closer to bring a baby into this world (read: huger, more uncomfortable, and more exhausted) and in the months after that as I try to figure out how to work full time and mother full time. It would be easy to shove my own needs aside or deny them until I hit the point of burnout, emotional breakdown, or worse. I don't have all the answers (please pray for me in this! And if any of you have suggestions or thoughts, please share!), but we are told to take our strength from Him and that He will give us what we need to do what He has called us to (not necessarily extra, but we will have what we need). I know that this world is not home, so it is not necessarily true (or maybe even likely!) that I will always feel completely rested here...that's why verses that say things like "there remains therefore a rest for the people of God" (Hebrews 4:9) are so cool! I've been pondering and praying the infamous verse found in Isaiah 40:31:
"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles. They shall run and not grow weary; they shall walk and not grow faint."
I've heard that verse all my life...sung songs about it, the whole nine yards. And now more than ever, it seems to sum up what I need most...to be able to continue to run and walk where I am called without losing heart or growing faint. To have my strength renewed...not just to survive, but to soar. Only in His strength....
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Things I didn't know about pregnancy...
Yesterday marked the beginning of my third trimester (boy, that sounds so strange to say!! Baby Ben will literally be here before we know it!). I've been thinking about all the surprises pregnancy has held so far....some of them probably sound silly to those of you who have been pregnant, and I'm surprised by how many surprises I've had...after all, I watched my mom go through this several times! Anyway, I thought it would be fun to put them down for posterity (hah! Yeah right...by the time our kids are old enough to read these kind of things, blogs will have probably evolved or become outdated).
1. Maternity clothes are the most comfortable things ever. Seriously. I used to wonder why all clothes couldn't be as comfy as pajamas...maternity clothes are. Which is great, because if I had to describe pregnancy using a single word, I would probably choose "uncomfortable."
2. I can interact with my baby already. He responds to several different things...me pressing on him, me rubbing him (pressing elicits a kick, rubbing elicits what I call "pushing" where he presses himself against my hand...which feels odd on the inside of my belly!). He becomes more active if he hears Josh's "reading voice." One of my favorite things right now is being still and feeling or watching him do flips. I can tell he is getting bigger and stronger!
3. Ben shows distinct preferences already. He doesn't like pressure (he kicks madly at the seat belt the whole time I'm in the car)...he much prefers the right side of my belly to the left (to the point where I am somewhat lopsided...weird!)...he tends to sleep when I walk and wake up when I sit or lie down.
4. Not sleeping through the night starts during pregnancy. Which is sort of nice, I guess...in the sense that hopefully I will be kind of used to it by the time I have to do midnight feedings/changing. On the other hand, these last few months probably represent my last opportunity to sleep all night for several years to come, so it would be nice to take advantage of that! Oh well...I'm becoming used to being tired.
5. I really, really like being pregnant. Even though it has led to nausea, fatigue, sleepless nights, and forced me to confront/continue to confront some fears and sorrows that I could otherwise shove to a back burner, it has been a wonderful experience so far. I hope that my experiences with my "outside baby" are similar...joyful and enjoyable even with the inevitable discomforts, fatigue, and struggles that being a mommy (especially a working mommy) entails.
1. Maternity clothes are the most comfortable things ever. Seriously. I used to wonder why all clothes couldn't be as comfy as pajamas...maternity clothes are. Which is great, because if I had to describe pregnancy using a single word, I would probably choose "uncomfortable."
2. I can interact with my baby already. He responds to several different things...me pressing on him, me rubbing him (pressing elicits a kick, rubbing elicits what I call "pushing" where he presses himself against my hand...which feels odd on the inside of my belly!). He becomes more active if he hears Josh's "reading voice." One of my favorite things right now is being still and feeling or watching him do flips. I can tell he is getting bigger and stronger!
3. Ben shows distinct preferences already. He doesn't like pressure (he kicks madly at the seat belt the whole time I'm in the car)...he much prefers the right side of my belly to the left (to the point where I am somewhat lopsided...weird!)...he tends to sleep when I walk and wake up when I sit or lie down.
4. Not sleeping through the night starts during pregnancy. Which is sort of nice, I guess...in the sense that hopefully I will be kind of used to it by the time I have to do midnight feedings/changing. On the other hand, these last few months probably represent my last opportunity to sleep all night for several years to come, so it would be nice to take advantage of that! Oh well...I'm becoming used to being tired.
5. I really, really like being pregnant. Even though it has led to nausea, fatigue, sleepless nights, and forced me to confront/continue to confront some fears and sorrows that I could otherwise shove to a back burner, it has been a wonderful experience so far. I hope that my experiences with my "outside baby" are similar...joyful and enjoyable even with the inevitable discomforts, fatigue, and struggles that being a mommy (especially a working mommy) entails.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The joys of spring!
Spring has made its way to central Missouri! Now, since we have lived in Texas the past few years, I had forgotten how this kind of spring looks and feels. Texas does have its own beauty in the spring (well, when it rains it does) with the wildflowers everywhere, and that is so awesome, but it is a very different kind of beauty, and a different process than what we have been seeing here the past few weeks.
First, the creeping colors start...it's really hard to describe exactly, but the branches start looking green, or yellow, or pink, or purple. There aren't leaves or flowers yet, but the actual wood starts looking the color of that which is to come. Then, a few days later, you can see buds. They aren't open into flowers yet, but you can see the shape of the bud, and the color is stronger. Then...beauty bursts forth. Bright yellow forsythia burst into flame....white Bradford pear trees (we had these in TX too, but here they are EVERYWHERE) and dogwood trees reach their pure puffiness to the sky...fuschia tulip trees and redbuds daintily scatter flower petals onto the breeze. The light, soft green of spring begins to fill in the gaps and soften the bare branches of winter. Birds are everywhere. And I get a gardening itch! I think we are not going to do a big garden this year...I'm not sure it's smart to commit to that with all the other changes that are happening in the next few months, but I will probably want to get a few herbs and veggies at least!
Oh, and the air smells really awesome. Very lightly sweet...not rich sweetness, like perfume, but just...fresh, with a light hint of fragrance. I'm not sure if I just smell this because I'm pregnant, but it is really awesome!
Hooray for spring, and renewal, and beauty...and the baby who is kicking, punching, and pushing away inside of me! He likes to poke his head into my belly button...which feels interesting, to say the least! I'd love to upload pictures, but I mostly see these things when I'm driving, sadly...maybe if we end up going for a walk this weekend (there are miles and miles of packed gravel trails around here) and see something...
First, the creeping colors start...it's really hard to describe exactly, but the branches start looking green, or yellow, or pink, or purple. There aren't leaves or flowers yet, but the actual wood starts looking the color of that which is to come. Then, a few days later, you can see buds. They aren't open into flowers yet, but you can see the shape of the bud, and the color is stronger. Then...beauty bursts forth. Bright yellow forsythia burst into flame....white Bradford pear trees (we had these in TX too, but here they are EVERYWHERE) and dogwood trees reach their pure puffiness to the sky...fuschia tulip trees and redbuds daintily scatter flower petals onto the breeze. The light, soft green of spring begins to fill in the gaps and soften the bare branches of winter. Birds are everywhere. And I get a gardening itch! I think we are not going to do a big garden this year...I'm not sure it's smart to commit to that with all the other changes that are happening in the next few months, but I will probably want to get a few herbs and veggies at least!
Oh, and the air smells really awesome. Very lightly sweet...not rich sweetness, like perfume, but just...fresh, with a light hint of fragrance. I'm not sure if I just smell this because I'm pregnant, but it is really awesome!
Hooray for spring, and renewal, and beauty...and the baby who is kicking, punching, and pushing away inside of me! He likes to poke his head into my belly button...which feels interesting, to say the least! I'd love to upload pictures, but I mostly see these things when I'm driving, sadly...maybe if we end up going for a walk this weekend (there are miles and miles of packed gravel trails around here) and see something...
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Cloth diapering and sales!
Josh and I have decided to cloth diaper primarily. This is mostly because we are allergic to spending money cheap and the thought of spending up to $2000 per year on disposable diapers seems a little hard to swallow. Cloth diapering can also be a financial challenge though (see above for our thoughts on spending money) because it is really expensive to get started. However, I am hopeful that we can use the same cloth diapers for multiple kids, and we are hoping to get diapers that can snap to multiple sizes so that the same diapers can fit Ben (and hopefully others!) through a long "life span."
When I asked some of my friends about places to learn about/buy cloth diapers, they pointed me to www.cottonbabies.com as a really good site both to buy diapers and to learn the ins and outs of cloth diapering. It's actually kind of complicated, as there are many types of cloth diapers, and many brands of each, all of which have their pros and cons. Also, the washing/cleaning process can be done several ways, and requires some special equipment (not a crazy amount, but still good to know about!). Imagine my surprise when I went to the website and found out that the physical location for Cotton Babies is in St. Louis, about 1.5 hours away! And imagine my further surprise/delight (don't forget about our allergy!) to find that they were having their semi-annual "garage sale" this weekend! This is an event where moms who are done with the "little kid" stage can come and sell their gently used diapers, diapering gear, toys, clothes, and more. The store also puts out "clearance" diapers, which are diapers that are either discontinued (the model or brand name), very lightly used, etc. We decided to go, figuring that we would save on the diapers themselves if we found any, save on the shipping, and I also kind of wanted to touch and look at the diapers as opposed to just ordering online. It seemed well worth the cost of gas.
And it was! I think we made out like bandits, if I do say so myself.
We found:
A Diaper Champ diaper pail for $15 (normally $50)
An ErgoBaby diaper bag (crimson...pretty, lots of pockets, and several ways to carry that are easier on your back/shoulders...yes, I know I'm a PT nerd) for $15 (normally $55)
5 Bumgenius Elemental 1 size diapers for $15 each (normally $25 each)
2 Bumgenius 4.0 All in One pocket diapers for $10 each (normally $18 apiece)
So we saved $141 on these items! Not bad, and definitely worth the approximately $20 in gas to get out there. We did buy a couple of full price items as well (some as gifts) because I figured we might as well save the shipping on those since we were already there. We have a total of 8 diapers, which isn't even 1/4 of what we will need, but it's a start at least! Oh, and they threw in a super cute frog swaddling cloth (bamboo, so it's light enough to use in the summer) for free since we bought over $75 worth of stuff.
In other news, I am growing (it seems like a LOT in this last week...I thought week 24 wasn't officially 3rd trimester yet!!!) and Ben is kicking up a storm. I think he's still breech because of where he kicks me usually, but he flips a lot still, so hopefully he'll settle into head down in the next week or two. Josh bought Rudyard Kipling's "Just So" stories to read to him...it's really cute...he pulls up my shirt, puts his mouth close to my belly, and reads with AWESOME intonation and enthusiasm. It may be just my imagination, but I think Ben moves more and differently when Josh does that. Work is still going well, though I find myself having dizzy spells because my blood pressure drops precipitously sometimes. The weather is starting to be truly lovely (we went for a 2 mile walk today on one of the dozens of woodsy trails that surround this town, and it was awesome!), and spring flowers are coming out!
When I asked some of my friends about places to learn about/buy cloth diapers, they pointed me to www.cottonbabies.com as a really good site both to buy diapers and to learn the ins and outs of cloth diapering. It's actually kind of complicated, as there are many types of cloth diapers, and many brands of each, all of which have their pros and cons. Also, the washing/cleaning process can be done several ways, and requires some special equipment (not a crazy amount, but still good to know about!). Imagine my surprise when I went to the website and found out that the physical location for Cotton Babies is in St. Louis, about 1.5 hours away! And imagine my further surprise/delight (don't forget about our allergy!) to find that they were having their semi-annual "garage sale" this weekend! This is an event where moms who are done with the "little kid" stage can come and sell their gently used diapers, diapering gear, toys, clothes, and more. The store also puts out "clearance" diapers, which are diapers that are either discontinued (the model or brand name), very lightly used, etc. We decided to go, figuring that we would save on the diapers themselves if we found any, save on the shipping, and I also kind of wanted to touch and look at the diapers as opposed to just ordering online. It seemed well worth the cost of gas.
And it was! I think we made out like bandits, if I do say so myself.
We found:
A Diaper Champ diaper pail for $15 (normally $50)
An ErgoBaby diaper bag (crimson...pretty, lots of pockets, and several ways to carry that are easier on your back/shoulders...yes, I know I'm a PT nerd) for $15 (normally $55)
5 Bumgenius Elemental 1 size diapers for $15 each (normally $25 each)
2 Bumgenius 4.0 All in One pocket diapers for $10 each (normally $18 apiece)
So we saved $141 on these items! Not bad, and definitely worth the approximately $20 in gas to get out there. We did buy a couple of full price items as well (some as gifts) because I figured we might as well save the shipping on those since we were already there. We have a total of 8 diapers, which isn't even 1/4 of what we will need, but it's a start at least! Oh, and they threw in a super cute frog swaddling cloth (bamboo, so it's light enough to use in the summer) for free since we bought over $75 worth of stuff.
In other news, I am growing (it seems like a LOT in this last week...I thought week 24 wasn't officially 3rd trimester yet!!!) and Ben is kicking up a storm. I think he's still breech because of where he kicks me usually, but he flips a lot still, so hopefully he'll settle into head down in the next week or two. Josh bought Rudyard Kipling's "Just So" stories to read to him...it's really cute...he pulls up my shirt, puts his mouth close to my belly, and reads with AWESOME intonation and enthusiasm. It may be just my imagination, but I think Ben moves more and differently when Josh does that. Work is still going well, though I find myself having dizzy spells because my blood pressure drops precipitously sometimes. The weather is starting to be truly lovely (we went for a 2 mile walk today on one of the dozens of woodsy trails that surround this town, and it was awesome!), and spring flowers are coming out!
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