Because of Ben's precipitous birth, I've had a few postpartum complications. Apparently, although my tear was only second degree, it was very deep (degree only tells you length, not depth, and apparently I tore most of the way through my pelvic floor, requiring several layers of stitches)...which makes the long repair (over an hour) make much more sense! I've had quite a bit of ongoing pain (the doctor wanted to give me Percocet...I declined because I didn't want to be groggy, but I'm on high doses of Motrin) from that. A few days after we came home, I started bleeding more and also passing large clots. The doctor put me on modified bedrest-I'm allowed to sit up to feed the baby, stand up to go to the bathroom and shower, and other than that, I'm supposed to be reclined or lying down. I will admit that I "cheat" occasionally to change the baby's diaper or refill my water bottle as well. :-)
In some ways, complying with these restrictions is relatively easy-I am tired and standing or sitting are still quite painful. In other ways...well, let's just say I haven't been this physically inactive since I was a teen (I had just had surgery). I don't have a specific "end time" for this restriction-basically, when I can be up more without having sharp increases in pain and/or bleeding, I can slowly work my way back into activity. We're hoping just another week or so. Overall, though, I think this is a good thing. This has forced me to slow down. I could easily see myself pushing it physically...our messy house is driving me crazy, and there are lots of things that "need" to be done...I could see myself using this maternity leave time to get projects done, clean the house, be out and about, etc. And honestly, I desperately need/needed rest on a spiritual, physical, and emotional level!
Instead, I am "forced" to spend hours snuggling with my son. I love it. I love stroking his indescribably soft hair. I think I could look at his face forever. I love smiling down into his upturned smoky blue eyes while he nurses. I love softly stroking the dark hair on his shoulders and back (yeah, I birthed a Neanderthal) while whispering, "I love you." I love the way he snuggles against me and sighs contentedly after he has eaten and burped. Kissing his sweet cheeks, burying my nose in his hair, holding his hand...I think Josh thinks I am nuts. His comment the other day was, "I don't know if I would be that into someone who has pretty much just caused me pain and discomfort!" I don't know how to explain it, but I am!
Sometimes tears fill my eyes as I look at my precious baby and realize how quickly time is flying. How has he been here 2 weeks already??? And I know I will blink and it will be time to go back to work. That will be so hard for my heart...at least I now have a job with normal working hours. There is a part of me that dearly wishes we could freeze here for a while, that we could stay here, where my full time job is to love my baby and my husband, and there isn't much I can do to mess Ben up. His needs are pretty much purely physical right now-the hard part, I know, comes later. Perspective is a funny thing...a friend of mine answered the question of "What would you do if you had unlimited funds?" with "Hire a nanny!"...my answer to that question would be, "Stay home with my child(ren)!" I don't know if this is a "grass is greener" issue, my heart being rebellious against what I have to do to support my husband as the Lord commands, or hormonal. Or all of the above! Either way, I could use prayer here, clearly!
However, it is not for us to freeze time. Nor should we seek to do so...each season will have blessings and joy...how fun it will be when he smiles back at me, moves purposefully, whispers "I love you" back! Oh, and less pain will be nice too! I hope I will learn to be a better and better parent as he grows older and needs more than just physical parenting. For now, I will try to consciously choose to treasure each moment of the remaining 9 weeks of my maternity leave instead of mourning the separation to come!
Oh, and to be clear, I know SAHMs work hard and the rest thing is temporary either way!!
ohhh, here's the postpartum complication explained. :) Sorry, been out of town for a couple weeks. :) Well that totally explains why your postpartum recovery is longer!!! GIIIIRRRRLL, let your body do what it needs to do to heal! crazy girl. :) Glad to hear you're forced to not push yourself, because I know you otherwise would. :) So encouraging to hear that you're resting and just enjoying these "now" moments. :) It's beautiful to see your love for Ben. And thanks for the SAHMs shout out, because the rest thing is true. I mentioned a similar comment to a grandmother-friend of mine very recently and her response back was, "Yeah well it's no different going into the office." Wow, that was helpful for me to hear. There are obviously differences between working outside of the home vs inside the home, but the little rest and hard work general aspects are definitely similar.
ReplyDeleteJust now catching up on blogs...my goodness, Jenn, I didn't know about the complications and bed rest! I like that you're actually resting (It'd be hard for me not to cheat either!) and spending so much time with Ben. Your description of your time together snuggling was beautiful. :)
ReplyDelete