Because of Ben's precipitous birth, I've had a few postpartum complications. Apparently, although my tear was only second degree, it was very deep (degree only tells you length, not depth, and apparently I tore most of the way through my pelvic floor, requiring several layers of stitches)...which makes the long repair (over an hour) make much more sense! I've had quite a bit of ongoing pain (the doctor wanted to give me Percocet...I declined because I didn't want to be groggy, but I'm on high doses of Motrin) from that. A few days after we came home, I started bleeding more and also passing large clots. The doctor put me on modified bedrest-I'm allowed to sit up to feed the baby, stand up to go to the bathroom and shower, and other than that, I'm supposed to be reclined or lying down. I will admit that I "cheat" occasionally to change the baby's diaper or refill my water bottle as well. :-)
In some ways, complying with these restrictions is relatively easy-I am tired and standing or sitting are still quite painful. In other ways...well, let's just say I haven't been this physically inactive since I was a teen (I had just had surgery). I don't have a specific "end time" for this restriction-basically, when I can be up more without having sharp increases in pain and/or bleeding, I can slowly work my way back into activity. We're hoping just another week or so. Overall, though, I think this is a good thing. This has forced me to slow down. I could easily see myself pushing it physically...our messy house is driving me crazy, and there are lots of things that "need" to be done...I could see myself using this maternity leave time to get projects done, clean the house, be out and about, etc. And honestly, I desperately need/needed rest on a spiritual, physical, and emotional level!
Instead, I am "forced" to spend hours snuggling with my son. I love it. I love stroking his indescribably soft hair. I think I could look at his face forever. I love smiling down into his upturned smoky blue eyes while he nurses. I love softly stroking the dark hair on his shoulders and back (yeah, I birthed a Neanderthal) while whispering, "I love you." I love the way he snuggles against me and sighs contentedly after he has eaten and burped. Kissing his sweet cheeks, burying my nose in his hair, holding his hand...I think Josh thinks I am nuts. His comment the other day was, "I don't know if I would be that into someone who has pretty much just caused me pain and discomfort!" I don't know how to explain it, but I am!
Sometimes tears fill my eyes as I look at my precious baby and realize how quickly time is flying. How has he been here 2 weeks already??? And I know I will blink and it will be time to go back to work. That will be so hard for my heart...at least I now have a job with normal working hours. There is a part of me that dearly wishes we could freeze here for a while, that we could stay here, where my full time job is to love my baby and my husband, and there isn't much I can do to mess Ben up. His needs are pretty much purely physical right now-the hard part, I know, comes later. Perspective is a funny thing...a friend of mine answered the question of "What would you do if you had unlimited funds?" with "Hire a nanny!"...my answer to that question would be, "Stay home with my child(ren)!" I don't know if this is a "grass is greener" issue, my heart being rebellious against what I have to do to support my husband as the Lord commands, or hormonal. Or all of the above! Either way, I could use prayer here, clearly!
However, it is not for us to freeze time. Nor should we seek to do so...each season will have blessings and joy...how fun it will be when he smiles back at me, moves purposefully, whispers "I love you" back! Oh, and less pain will be nice too! I hope I will learn to be a better and better parent as he grows older and needs more than just physical parenting. For now, I will try to consciously choose to treasure each moment of the remaining 9 weeks of my maternity leave instead of mourning the separation to come!
Oh, and to be clear, I know SAHMs work hard and the rest thing is temporary either way!!
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
A great hospital birth experience
When I was pregnant, I read a LOT of birth stories. I guess it's just what was interesting to me, and also I wanted to have an idea of what to expect, especially since I was hoping for an unmedicated delivery. I was disappointed in what was available because there are VERY few positive natural birth stories out there that took place in the hospital. In fact, most hospital based stories end with "next time I will birth at home" and many homebirth stories start with a horror story about a past hospital delivery that convinced the mom that birthing at home was her only option. I found this kind of discouraging, so I want to list some of the ways that our hospital experience was really great (in fact, when it was all over, Josh and I both looked at each other and said, "I am so glad we were not at home for that!"). Now, please understand, I am NOT condemning homebirth at all-I think it is great if the woman is comfortable with that. I really think this is one of those areas where there isn't a one-size-fits-all approach...some women will do better at home, some at the hospital, some at a birthing center.
My original plan was to use a midwife-run birthing center in Austin. However, when we moved in the middle of my pregnancy, it became clear that the options were true homebirth or hospital birth. There is a birthing center here, but it is nearly 3 hours away-we didn't feel that would be a good option. I was just not comfortable doing a true home birth with my first child, so we decided to go with a hospital birth, and we tried to stack the odds in our favor as much as possible. We went with a family practice physician who is known to be very natural birth friendly (his wife had both of their children naturally) instead of OB-my reasoning being that since he can't do C-sections, hopefully he will know a lot about preventing them! We hired a doula who was a little expensive, but also is a lay midwife, and so is very knowledgeable about the birth process-and she has been a doula in many scenarios, including many hospital births. I read a LOT and tried to educate myself as much as possible.
Anyway, we were VERY pleased with our hospital experience, for the following reasons:
1. Even though we were having some kind of emergent situations there at first (see Ben's birth story for more details), everyone was very supportive of our desire to birth vaginally, and naturally. The OB resident read our birth plan very carefully, and I think that one of the reasons we were allowed to continue monitoring instead of just going to a C-section (provided Ben's heart stabilized within 5 minutes on its own-which it always did) is because she knew we wanted to birth vaginally if at all possible. She explained everything very thoroughly and made us feel that we were part of the process. She and the family practice resident were constantly working together to try to keep us up to date and try to go with as much as they could from our birth plan (we had to toss a few minor points out the window-I was attached to an IV and fetal monitor the whole time-but they did allow me to move around, change positions, etc.).
2. The nurses (both L & D and postpartum) were beyond great! The first one we had never chided me for changing positions, even though almost every time I did, she had to come back in and find the baby again with the fetal monitor. She helped me find comfortable positions, suggested ways to deal with the nausea, and even hand-held the monitor for about an hour because the only position that it would stay on the baby was no longer tolerable for me. Everyone was very attentive, helpful, suggested comfort measures, etc. On postpartum, our night nurse both nights was a lactation consultant, and really helpful in teaching Ben and me how to eat (I didn't know that was so complicated!). We are still having some mild issues with that, but she got us off to a good start. Everyone was so nice to us and really went out of their way to do everything we wanted. They knew we wanted to stay with the baby, so almost all tests and exams were done at my bedside instead of (their normal) the nursery. They also encouraged us to kangaroo care as much as we wanted (skin to skin) and though they caught us cosleeping several times, no one minded!
3. Our doctor was very encouraging and gentle during the whole birth process. Another great thing about him being family practice-he can take care of Ben too! It was so encouraging to have his gentle encouragement during pushing...when Josh said "Jenn, Dr. K is here!" it made me feel much better even though I was really pretty out of it at that point. There was no shouting, and he gave pushing tips but let me push how I wanted. He also helped me try different positions-we started in sidelying, then switched to quadruped when that wasn't comfortable anymore. I finally pushed the little guy out in tall kneeling because quadruped slowed the descent. They were working on getting a squatting bar up so I could try that, but Ben came too fast to get that installed.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I am so thankful that we had such a great experience at the hospital. I don't know if that hospital is just better than average, or it's because of the great management from our natural birth friendly doctor, or if it was just the hand of the Lord directing everything (or all of the above) but I really feel that for us, the hospital birth was the right choice. The hard things about the labor/delivery had to do with my perceptions (and the monitor!) more than the setting. I hope the last post didn't make it sound like I was disappointed or sad about the birth experience...I really wasn't, just was chronicling raw emotions as I felt them. And even now, just over a week out and still pretty sore and processing, I know I will want to do this again one day. :-)
Just for fun...3 days before I delivered Ben...(little did I know!)
And 4 days after....
And my treasure! Sooo worth it! :-)
My original plan was to use a midwife-run birthing center in Austin. However, when we moved in the middle of my pregnancy, it became clear that the options were true homebirth or hospital birth. There is a birthing center here, but it is nearly 3 hours away-we didn't feel that would be a good option. I was just not comfortable doing a true home birth with my first child, so we decided to go with a hospital birth, and we tried to stack the odds in our favor as much as possible. We went with a family practice physician who is known to be very natural birth friendly (his wife had both of their children naturally) instead of OB-my reasoning being that since he can't do C-sections, hopefully he will know a lot about preventing them! We hired a doula who was a little expensive, but also is a lay midwife, and so is very knowledgeable about the birth process-and she has been a doula in many scenarios, including many hospital births. I read a LOT and tried to educate myself as much as possible.
Anyway, we were VERY pleased with our hospital experience, for the following reasons:
1. Even though we were having some kind of emergent situations there at first (see Ben's birth story for more details), everyone was very supportive of our desire to birth vaginally, and naturally. The OB resident read our birth plan very carefully, and I think that one of the reasons we were allowed to continue monitoring instead of just going to a C-section (provided Ben's heart stabilized within 5 minutes on its own-which it always did) is because she knew we wanted to birth vaginally if at all possible. She explained everything very thoroughly and made us feel that we were part of the process. She and the family practice resident were constantly working together to try to keep us up to date and try to go with as much as they could from our birth plan (we had to toss a few minor points out the window-I was attached to an IV and fetal monitor the whole time-but they did allow me to move around, change positions, etc.).
2. The nurses (both L & D and postpartum) were beyond great! The first one we had never chided me for changing positions, even though almost every time I did, she had to come back in and find the baby again with the fetal monitor. She helped me find comfortable positions, suggested ways to deal with the nausea, and even hand-held the monitor for about an hour because the only position that it would stay on the baby was no longer tolerable for me. Everyone was very attentive, helpful, suggested comfort measures, etc. On postpartum, our night nurse both nights was a lactation consultant, and really helpful in teaching Ben and me how to eat (I didn't know that was so complicated!). We are still having some mild issues with that, but she got us off to a good start. Everyone was so nice to us and really went out of their way to do everything we wanted. They knew we wanted to stay with the baby, so almost all tests and exams were done at my bedside instead of (their normal) the nursery. They also encouraged us to kangaroo care as much as we wanted (skin to skin) and though they caught us cosleeping several times, no one minded!
3. Our doctor was very encouraging and gentle during the whole birth process. Another great thing about him being family practice-he can take care of Ben too! It was so encouraging to have his gentle encouragement during pushing...when Josh said "Jenn, Dr. K is here!" it made me feel much better even though I was really pretty out of it at that point. There was no shouting, and he gave pushing tips but let me push how I wanted. He also helped me try different positions-we started in sidelying, then switched to quadruped when that wasn't comfortable anymore. I finally pushed the little guy out in tall kneeling because quadruped slowed the descent. They were working on getting a squatting bar up so I could try that, but Ben came too fast to get that installed.
Anyway, just wanted to say that I am so thankful that we had such a great experience at the hospital. I don't know if that hospital is just better than average, or it's because of the great management from our natural birth friendly doctor, or if it was just the hand of the Lord directing everything (or all of the above) but I really feel that for us, the hospital birth was the right choice. The hard things about the labor/delivery had to do with my perceptions (and the monitor!) more than the setting. I hope the last post didn't make it sound like I was disappointed or sad about the birth experience...I really wasn't, just was chronicling raw emotions as I felt them. And even now, just over a week out and still pretty sore and processing, I know I will want to do this again one day. :-)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Not what I expected...the birth story of Beniah James
I'm writing this down now because I'm afraid it will be like my wedding day...I thought I would never forget a moment, but then details started slipping away. I haven't processed a lot of this, so don't expect any earthshattering or deep thoughts...this is pretty much historical only. Also, I'm not going to be ridiculously graphic, but I'm also not going to overly censor myself. So if you don't want to read words like "vernix, vagina, or mucous plug" don't proceed any further. It's also long! You have been warned!
So Sunday, June 10th, I noticed a change in my discharge that I thought MIGHT have been my water breaking. We called our doula (who is also a midwife) to ask her what she thought...I didn't want to be the boy who cried wolf and I have no idea what it actually would look or be like to have my water break. Internet searches don't help...you see everything from the "water main burst" that is popular in movies to the barest trickle that may not be detectable. She thought it sounded like that was maybe what was going on, so hopefully labor would start soon. We put the carseat in the car, looked up some Scripture to use during birth, and relaxed around the house for the rest of the day. Nothing happened.
Side note: I am GBS-positive, and apparently pretty heavily colonized. Not a huge deal, except that I was supposed to get 2 doses of IV penicillin during labor-this would prevent me from passing it to the baby. So our birth plan was to labor at home until we guesstimated that I was about 4 hours from delivery and then head to the hospital where I would get the penicillin and then push him out. Our goal was little monitoring, little intervention, and no pain medication.
Anyway, that evening she called us and said that since it had been 12 hours since my water might have broken, we should probably go to L&D triage to be assessed. If they hadn't broken, we could just go home (this is what we all thought would happen). If they had, we could look at our options then-it isn't good to have broken waters for too long with GBS because of the risk for infection. So we headed in.
As per the usual (I've been to L&D with what I thought were contractions several times this pregnancy), the nurse introduced herself, had me change to a hospital gown, and then hooked me up to a fetal heart rate monitor and a contraction monitor. "Hmmm," she said. "Can you flip to the left? Now the right? No, come back toward me." (I've read enough to know that this is not a great sign) Then she hit the red "panic" button and said in a scared voice, "I need help in here NOW!"
Within minutes there were at least 6 people in the room, making me flip, giving the baby a scalp massage through my vagina, pushing on my uterus from the outside, and making me sign consent forms for anesthesia while using words like "emergency crash Caesarean." Apparently, his heart rate had dropped into the 60s (less than half of what it should have been) and stayed there for about 5 minutes. Thankfully, it came back up and settled into what looked like a healthy pattern. In relieved voices, they told me that he looked stable for the moment, but I wasn't going home. They wanted to monitor me for 24 hours. If he didn't do it again, they would assume it was a coincidence or fluke and if he did, we might need to talk emergency C-section or at the very least, a labor induction. We called our doula and had her meet us there. They checked, and didn't think my waters broke, so at least that was ruled out as a potential problem. They checked my cervix, and I was dilated to a 1, 50% effaced, and he was at a -3 station-so pretty much not in labor.
Long story short, he "crashed" like that 3 more times in the next 4 hours, leading to alarms, panic, multiple people flipping, pushing, and shoving on me to get him to "come back", and had all the staff and our doula so convinced that we were going to have to crash section us to save his life that they had started medication preps (going so far as to hang but not start a general anesthetic) and prepared an OR. He recovered each time, but my doula was pretty sure that a crash section was in our future, and started preparing me for a surgical birth. At that point, I didn't care. I wanted him out safely and healthy, and would have done anything to make that happen.
He stabilized for the rest of the night, so they allowed me to start using the bathroom on my own (thank goodness-they had hyperhydrated me with 3.5 liters of IV fluid in the event of needing to do an emergency delivery). I became very uncomfortable around 3 AM, going to the bathroom what felt like every 5 minutes, not being able to find a comfortable position in bed, and having what felt like strong menstrual cramps with nausea. At first, I didn't think anything of this because I have had these symptoms on and off (but often at night) for weeks. I told the nurse, just so she would be up to date, but didn't figure it was anything significant. The contraction monitor wasn't picking up any contractions at all.
Soon I had to wake Josh up and have him apply some counterpressure to my low back. Then I started having to breathe through the cramps. They were still manageable but I really had to concentrate to get through them. They also started coming closer together-in fact, I remember thinking "Aren't I supposed to get a 5-10 minute break between contractions in early labor??" I couldn't have been getting more than 2 minutes in between 1 minute long cramps-at most. Still nothing on the contraction monitor.
Then around 7 AM, the physicians on call came in and started talking to me about induction of labor. With the multiple times Ben had crashed in the night, they just weren't comfortable sending me home. Also, my blood pressure was higher the last few readings (which were done in the middle of what I now know where contractions). I nodded to get them to go away, because I was concentrating on breathing through the now pretty painful and pressure-y cramping, but remember thinking "Why do you have to induce labor? I think I'm in labor!" My doula convinced them to check my cervix. 1.5 cm, 60% effaced, and baby at a -1 station. So not much change, except that he had moved down. Because of this, she convinced them to wait 1 hour and recheck. If I wasn't making progress, we could start talking about Pitocin. They agreed and left. It was probably about 7:45 AM.
Then I started really having intense pains that I couldn't just breathe through. I was moaning. I went to the bathroom (AGAIN!) and just started crying. All I could think was, "I am not even having real contractions yet (still nothing on the monitor) and I don't know if I can do this for 12-24 hours or longer! Was I insane to think I could birth unmedicated?" Josh followed me into the bathroom and I just leaned forward and cried on him. I whispered, "I don't think I can do this!" I felt awful-these were things women were supposed to think and feel in transition (8-10 cm of dilation), not the very beginning of labor-the "gentle part"! What was wrong with me? I have dealt with some pretty intense pain in my life (physically) and I really thought I would handle this better.
I tried kneeling, sitting, standing-nothing was comfortable, everything made more pressure, and I felt like someone was scraping my insides with a fork whose tines were made of razor blades. If anything, I was now having 30-60 seconds between contractions that lasted 90 seconds-and still nothing on the stupid monitor! I went to the bathroom again and couldn't get off the toilet. Suddenly, the contractions started coming on top of each other-literally. One would peak, and as it peaked, the next one started, and it peaked immediately after the peak for the prior one ended, and so on. I started screaming and begging Josh to help me, do something, get someone in there, I can't do this, I want an epidural NOW (remember, I'm still thinking I have a good 12-24 hours to go), please, I'll do anything you ask, I just need help! (I'm really kind of embarrassed about this part) My doula got the nurse and suggested we might want to hang the penicillin because it looked like I was in active labor and going fast. Then they got me on a birthing ball in an attempt to make me more comfortable (after at least 2 people peeled me off the toilet and dragged me back to the room because I could not do it myself). The nurse went to get the penicillin.
I did about 5 contractions on the ball...everyone kept telling me to relax between contractions-but there was no in between contractions. None whatsoever. I remember moaning, "I thought I was supposed to have little breaks" and crying, and begging some more. Still nothing on the monitor. My doula started palpating my contractions as she realized what was going on. The nurse walked back in with the penicillin and I suddenly lunged/leaped up off the birthing ball and leaned on the bed, shrieking (I did not choose to do this-my body did it for me). I felt like I had to push-badly. My doula said the baby was coming down so fast she could see the bones in my spine arching, rippling, and bulging out. She told the nurse we better check me again, and the nurse didn't seem convinced. It had only been 25 minutes since my last cervical check which showed almost no progress and her paper strips weren't showing her any contractions. But based on my doula's insistence and the way I was acting, she told me to get up on the bed so she could check.
Um. Not happening. I wasn't capable of doing anything except standing on the floor, leaning over the bed, and groaning/shrieking through contractions. She finally just checked it with me standing there. "Oh!" she said in kind of a panicky voice, "I don't feel any cervix, and his head is RIGHT HERE with no water bag!" (apparently it broke at some point)
Just then my doctor happened to walk in-he was doing his normal morning hospital rounds and came in to check on me. He didn't even know I was in labor-just that I was admitted to the hospital for monitoring. "Dr. K," the nurse said hurriedly, "She is complete and she needs to push."
I was helped/shoved up onto the bed on my side so he could check, and sure enough, I had gone from 1.5 to complete in 25 minutes. They said I could start pushing whenever I wanted. So I did. I made way more noise than I ever thought I would-I am not normally a loud person, but I couldn't help it! (my throat is still hoarse from all the screaming-so embarrassing!) Pushing took about 30 minutes, and I did tear because his heart rate started dropping again, so we had to get him out fast! Stitching up the tear actually took longer and was almost more painful than pushing (no anesthetic).
Anyway, he is here now! He is healthy, and I am sore and exhausted, but okay. So much for my birth plan! I think that all those decels were just Ben's/God's way of keeping us in the hospital-if we waited till we knew I was in labor to head in, he would have been born in the car or elevator. We are staying in the hospital for 2 days because there wasn't time for antibiotics, but we are okay. My doula (from her palpations) thinks I had the same number of contractions in that hour or so of really intense stuff as most women have over 12-24 hours.
Was it worth it? Yes. Absolutely. Would I do it again for him? Yes. Do I want to do it again soon? No way! Maybe someday, but not soon. Anyway, we are in love, and I think we had the best experience we could given what happened. The hospital staff has been great, and were very supportive of our birth plan, doing everything they could to stick with it (some things, like intermittent monitoring, had to go out the window because of the decels).
So Sunday, June 10th, I noticed a change in my discharge that I thought MIGHT have been my water breaking. We called our doula (who is also a midwife) to ask her what she thought...I didn't want to be the boy who cried wolf and I have no idea what it actually would look or be like to have my water break. Internet searches don't help...you see everything from the "water main burst" that is popular in movies to the barest trickle that may not be detectable. She thought it sounded like that was maybe what was going on, so hopefully labor would start soon. We put the carseat in the car, looked up some Scripture to use during birth, and relaxed around the house for the rest of the day. Nothing happened.
Side note: I am GBS-positive, and apparently pretty heavily colonized. Not a huge deal, except that I was supposed to get 2 doses of IV penicillin during labor-this would prevent me from passing it to the baby. So our birth plan was to labor at home until we guesstimated that I was about 4 hours from delivery and then head to the hospital where I would get the penicillin and then push him out. Our goal was little monitoring, little intervention, and no pain medication.
Anyway, that evening she called us and said that since it had been 12 hours since my water might have broken, we should probably go to L&D triage to be assessed. If they hadn't broken, we could just go home (this is what we all thought would happen). If they had, we could look at our options then-it isn't good to have broken waters for too long with GBS because of the risk for infection. So we headed in.
As per the usual (I've been to L&D with what I thought were contractions several times this pregnancy), the nurse introduced herself, had me change to a hospital gown, and then hooked me up to a fetal heart rate monitor and a contraction monitor. "Hmmm," she said. "Can you flip to the left? Now the right? No, come back toward me." (I've read enough to know that this is not a great sign) Then she hit the red "panic" button and said in a scared voice, "I need help in here NOW!"
Within minutes there were at least 6 people in the room, making me flip, giving the baby a scalp massage through my vagina, pushing on my uterus from the outside, and making me sign consent forms for anesthesia while using words like "emergency crash Caesarean." Apparently, his heart rate had dropped into the 60s (less than half of what it should have been) and stayed there for about 5 minutes. Thankfully, it came back up and settled into what looked like a healthy pattern. In relieved voices, they told me that he looked stable for the moment, but I wasn't going home. They wanted to monitor me for 24 hours. If he didn't do it again, they would assume it was a coincidence or fluke and if he did, we might need to talk emergency C-section or at the very least, a labor induction. We called our doula and had her meet us there. They checked, and didn't think my waters broke, so at least that was ruled out as a potential problem. They checked my cervix, and I was dilated to a 1, 50% effaced, and he was at a -3 station-so pretty much not in labor.
Long story short, he "crashed" like that 3 more times in the next 4 hours, leading to alarms, panic, multiple people flipping, pushing, and shoving on me to get him to "come back", and had all the staff and our doula so convinced that we were going to have to crash section us to save his life that they had started medication preps (going so far as to hang but not start a general anesthetic) and prepared an OR. He recovered each time, but my doula was pretty sure that a crash section was in our future, and started preparing me for a surgical birth. At that point, I didn't care. I wanted him out safely and healthy, and would have done anything to make that happen.
He stabilized for the rest of the night, so they allowed me to start using the bathroom on my own (thank goodness-they had hyperhydrated me with 3.5 liters of IV fluid in the event of needing to do an emergency delivery). I became very uncomfortable around 3 AM, going to the bathroom what felt like every 5 minutes, not being able to find a comfortable position in bed, and having what felt like strong menstrual cramps with nausea. At first, I didn't think anything of this because I have had these symptoms on and off (but often at night) for weeks. I told the nurse, just so she would be up to date, but didn't figure it was anything significant. The contraction monitor wasn't picking up any contractions at all.
Soon I had to wake Josh up and have him apply some counterpressure to my low back. Then I started having to breathe through the cramps. They were still manageable but I really had to concentrate to get through them. They also started coming closer together-in fact, I remember thinking "Aren't I supposed to get a 5-10 minute break between contractions in early labor??" I couldn't have been getting more than 2 minutes in between 1 minute long cramps-at most. Still nothing on the contraction monitor.
Then around 7 AM, the physicians on call came in and started talking to me about induction of labor. With the multiple times Ben had crashed in the night, they just weren't comfortable sending me home. Also, my blood pressure was higher the last few readings (which were done in the middle of what I now know where contractions). I nodded to get them to go away, because I was concentrating on breathing through the now pretty painful and pressure-y cramping, but remember thinking "Why do you have to induce labor? I think I'm in labor!" My doula convinced them to check my cervix. 1.5 cm, 60% effaced, and baby at a -1 station. So not much change, except that he had moved down. Because of this, she convinced them to wait 1 hour and recheck. If I wasn't making progress, we could start talking about Pitocin. They agreed and left. It was probably about 7:45 AM.
Then I started really having intense pains that I couldn't just breathe through. I was moaning. I went to the bathroom (AGAIN!) and just started crying. All I could think was, "I am not even having real contractions yet (still nothing on the monitor) and I don't know if I can do this for 12-24 hours or longer! Was I insane to think I could birth unmedicated?" Josh followed me into the bathroom and I just leaned forward and cried on him. I whispered, "I don't think I can do this!" I felt awful-these were things women were supposed to think and feel in transition (8-10 cm of dilation), not the very beginning of labor-the "gentle part"! What was wrong with me? I have dealt with some pretty intense pain in my life (physically) and I really thought I would handle this better.
I tried kneeling, sitting, standing-nothing was comfortable, everything made more pressure, and I felt like someone was scraping my insides with a fork whose tines were made of razor blades. If anything, I was now having 30-60 seconds between contractions that lasted 90 seconds-and still nothing on the stupid monitor! I went to the bathroom again and couldn't get off the toilet. Suddenly, the contractions started coming on top of each other-literally. One would peak, and as it peaked, the next one started, and it peaked immediately after the peak for the prior one ended, and so on. I started screaming and begging Josh to help me, do something, get someone in there, I can't do this, I want an epidural NOW (remember, I'm still thinking I have a good 12-24 hours to go), please, I'll do anything you ask, I just need help! (I'm really kind of embarrassed about this part) My doula got the nurse and suggested we might want to hang the penicillin because it looked like I was in active labor and going fast. Then they got me on a birthing ball in an attempt to make me more comfortable (after at least 2 people peeled me off the toilet and dragged me back to the room because I could not do it myself). The nurse went to get the penicillin.
I did about 5 contractions on the ball...everyone kept telling me to relax between contractions-but there was no in between contractions. None whatsoever. I remember moaning, "I thought I was supposed to have little breaks" and crying, and begging some more. Still nothing on the monitor. My doula started palpating my contractions as she realized what was going on. The nurse walked back in with the penicillin and I suddenly lunged/leaped up off the birthing ball and leaned on the bed, shrieking (I did not choose to do this-my body did it for me). I felt like I had to push-badly. My doula said the baby was coming down so fast she could see the bones in my spine arching, rippling, and bulging out. She told the nurse we better check me again, and the nurse didn't seem convinced. It had only been 25 minutes since my last cervical check which showed almost no progress and her paper strips weren't showing her any contractions. But based on my doula's insistence and the way I was acting, she told me to get up on the bed so she could check.
Um. Not happening. I wasn't capable of doing anything except standing on the floor, leaning over the bed, and groaning/shrieking through contractions. She finally just checked it with me standing there. "Oh!" she said in kind of a panicky voice, "I don't feel any cervix, and his head is RIGHT HERE with no water bag!" (apparently it broke at some point)
Just then my doctor happened to walk in-he was doing his normal morning hospital rounds and came in to check on me. He didn't even know I was in labor-just that I was admitted to the hospital for monitoring. "Dr. K," the nurse said hurriedly, "She is complete and she needs to push."
I was helped/shoved up onto the bed on my side so he could check, and sure enough, I had gone from 1.5 to complete in 25 minutes. They said I could start pushing whenever I wanted. So I did. I made way more noise than I ever thought I would-I am not normally a loud person, but I couldn't help it! (my throat is still hoarse from all the screaming-so embarrassing!) Pushing took about 30 minutes, and I did tear because his heart rate started dropping again, so we had to get him out fast! Stitching up the tear actually took longer and was almost more painful than pushing (no anesthetic).
Was it worth it? Yes. Absolutely. Would I do it again for him? Yes. Do I want to do it again soon? No way! Maybe someday, but not soon. Anyway, we are in love, and I think we had the best experience we could given what happened. The hospital staff has been great, and were very supportive of our birth plan, doing everything they could to stick with it (some things, like intermittent monitoring, had to go out the window because of the decels).
Monday, June 4, 2012
Waiting and seasons
It has been interesting to experience different people's reactions as I draw ever closer to my due date. To me, in some ways, the time feels like it is creeping on, while at other times, it seems to fly. I'm 36.5 weeks along now, which means that in just a few days I will be considered "term"...and according to the doctor and the guesstimated size of my son, it would be just fine for him to come whenever he is ready.
In some ways, I am beyond ready. I will admit that I am not a huge fan of swollen feet (my multiple ankle surgeries make this extremely painful, though I'm sure it's not comfortable for anyone!), and even though I've only gained 12 pounds to date, the extra weight is also not very fun for my multi-surgical ankles to drag around during my "I-stand-all-day" job. It will also be nice to be able to bend over, reach my shoes, and not lurch up from chairs as if I was an overweight behemoth doing the hokey-pokey. In other ways, I want to treasure these last few days that just Josh and I have together. Once Ben comes, our identities will change-no longer will we be just husband-and-wife; we will be mommy-and-daddy. We certainly have a goal of keeping husband-and-wife as our primary relationship, but I know that this new step will require much less selfishness on both our parts! Which of these two feelings has the upper hand at the moment changes constantly, and is also somewhat dependent on how I feel physically (I'm in a pattern of feeling pretty wretched-meaning nauseated, crampy, contracting a lot, and exhausted-about every other day...the good thing about this is that the days where I am merely uncomfortable and very tired feel amazing by comparison!). It is interesting to live life so day to day. I definitely still schedule things, but each day I wake up wondering, "Could it be today?" And it could! So my current operating mode is, if it is today-wonderful! I will look to Jesus for strength to get through a very intense and painful experience. If it is not today, I will look to Him for strength to get through a 9 hour day on my feet-which can also be an intense and painful experience!
Anyway, the comments I get from others vary widely, but just today, included:
"Are you ever going to drop that baby, girl?"
"You have been pregnant forever! WHEN are you due?"
"You look great...for being 9 months pregnant." (not entirely sure what that one means!)
"Are you ready for that baby to come out?"
"What's the plan for getting peanut out of there?" (ummm...well, I figured I'd probably go into labor and then, you know, birth him. The way thousands of women have done for thousands of years)
"Oh man, you think you're tired now...just wait!"
"These kids, always wanting to have babies...don't you realize that your 'before children' phase was the best time of your life?"
Plus a whole plethora of birth horror stories.
It's kind of interesting how people tend to want to one-up other people in terms of "how much life stinks." Get a group of people together and start hearing birth stories...they get more and more horrific and tough the longer the conversation goes! Most people are happy to wax eloquent about how much better life was "B.C." I am not naive enough to think that this journey we are embarking upon is easy or all smooth sailing, but really...how is this encouraging or helpful? I am comforting myself by reminders that I have heard this kind of talk before. I heard it in college ("this is the most carefree and stress free time of your life!"), graduate school ("at least you don't have to deal with the real world yet! Put that off as long as possible!"), right after marriage ("oh man, the first few years suck majorly! Get ready for the honeymoon phase to end!"), and also at other times. So far, each of these seasons has been accompanied by both blessings and beautiful, wonderful times and struggles and deeply difficult times. I am hoping this is the nature of seasons of life. There isn't a "better season" that we should strive to stay in for the rest of our existence. I think it would be naive and prideful to say I am "ready" for this new season. I think I can say that I am looking forward to it. I look forward to deepening my relationship with my husband through it-I know we will have to be more intentional about making that happen now that there will be a little one in the picture-but I refuse to think that it is impossible because he will be in the way (which is how some other people seem to see it). I choose to enter this new season with joy, embracing the challenges along with the sweet times.
I shall keep you all updated! :-)
In some ways, I am beyond ready. I will admit that I am not a huge fan of swollen feet (my multiple ankle surgeries make this extremely painful, though I'm sure it's not comfortable for anyone!), and even though I've only gained 12 pounds to date, the extra weight is also not very fun for my multi-surgical ankles to drag around during my "I-stand-all-day" job. It will also be nice to be able to bend over, reach my shoes, and not lurch up from chairs as if I was an overweight behemoth doing the hokey-pokey. In other ways, I want to treasure these last few days that just Josh and I have together. Once Ben comes, our identities will change-no longer will we be just husband-and-wife; we will be mommy-and-daddy. We certainly have a goal of keeping husband-and-wife as our primary relationship, but I know that this new step will require much less selfishness on both our parts! Which of these two feelings has the upper hand at the moment changes constantly, and is also somewhat dependent on how I feel physically (I'm in a pattern of feeling pretty wretched-meaning nauseated, crampy, contracting a lot, and exhausted-about every other day...the good thing about this is that the days where I am merely uncomfortable and very tired feel amazing by comparison!). It is interesting to live life so day to day. I definitely still schedule things, but each day I wake up wondering, "Could it be today?" And it could! So my current operating mode is, if it is today-wonderful! I will look to Jesus for strength to get through a very intense and painful experience. If it is not today, I will look to Him for strength to get through a 9 hour day on my feet-which can also be an intense and painful experience!
Anyway, the comments I get from others vary widely, but just today, included:
"Are you ever going to drop that baby, girl?"
"You have been pregnant forever! WHEN are you due?"
"You look great...for being 9 months pregnant." (not entirely sure what that one means!)
"Are you ready for that baby to come out?"
"What's the plan for getting peanut out of there?" (ummm...well, I figured I'd probably go into labor and then, you know, birth him. The way thousands of women have done for thousands of years)
"Oh man, you think you're tired now...just wait!"
"These kids, always wanting to have babies...don't you realize that your 'before children' phase was the best time of your life?"
Plus a whole plethora of birth horror stories.
It's kind of interesting how people tend to want to one-up other people in terms of "how much life stinks." Get a group of people together and start hearing birth stories...they get more and more horrific and tough the longer the conversation goes! Most people are happy to wax eloquent about how much better life was "B.C." I am not naive enough to think that this journey we are embarking upon is easy or all smooth sailing, but really...how is this encouraging or helpful? I am comforting myself by reminders that I have heard this kind of talk before. I heard it in college ("this is the most carefree and stress free time of your life!"), graduate school ("at least you don't have to deal with the real world yet! Put that off as long as possible!"), right after marriage ("oh man, the first few years suck majorly! Get ready for the honeymoon phase to end!"), and also at other times. So far, each of these seasons has been accompanied by both blessings and beautiful, wonderful times and struggles and deeply difficult times. I am hoping this is the nature of seasons of life. There isn't a "better season" that we should strive to stay in for the rest of our existence. I think it would be naive and prideful to say I am "ready" for this new season. I think I can say that I am looking forward to it. I look forward to deepening my relationship with my husband through it-I know we will have to be more intentional about making that happen now that there will be a little one in the picture-but I refuse to think that it is impossible because he will be in the way (which is how some other people seem to see it). I choose to enter this new season with joy, embracing the challenges along with the sweet times.
I shall keep you all updated! :-)
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